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05/01 Direct Link
SHE YELLS AT HER CAT

MAXY, what is it with you? Why are you sitting there of all places? Why did you choose just that spot, just that little bit, what's the big attraction to that spot, you never sat there before, so why are you sitting there now? It drives me crazy how you choose your spots, there's no reason for them, can't you think, can't you ever think? How can you just decide where, why are you staring at me like that, what's going through that walnut brain of yours? Why did you choose that exact spot? WHY?
05/02 Direct Link
Jim was smoking too much and drinking too much and one day his wife said to him, "Jim, I'm tired of how much you're smoking and I'm tired of you drinking all the time and I think you're not picking up your clothes off the floor enough to be fair and why do you have to buy so much pornography and the hard drugs are getting out of hand the cocaine especially and you understand that and I insist you make a bit of an effort about some of this stuff," so Jim vowed to cut down on the smoking.
05/03 Direct Link
We asked the new guy if he wanted to come out with us after work.

"Sure!" he cried. "Conviviality increases life expectancy!"

He came by after the rest of us had started. We offered to buy him a drink.

"Red wine!" he cried, still standing. "Just one! It increases life expectancy!"

We showed him the menu and told him the special was steak.

"Are you nuts?" he cried. "You know what that does to your life expectancy?"

We asked why he wasn't sitting down.

"Sitting decreases your life expectancy!!"

We all jumped up with our knives and proved him wrong.
05/04 Direct Link
She got on the bus and sat down on the seat behind the rear doors. She turned and scanned the faces of the folks sitting behind her. She turned to watch the people as they got on, all the time expecting him, the love-of-her-life, to get on. She'd only seen him once, six months earlier, on that very bus, and she really wanted to see him. She needed him so very badly. She was undefeated in her perseverance. She was determined to see him again, and forever. The love-of-her-life was sitting right behind her. For the second time that week.
05/05 Direct Link
From The Complete Works of David Smookler


Thee day was sunny and bright. Thee girl named Ann was out playing.

There was a thunderstorm! Then it went away.

Ann put on a green hat. Ann was afraid of stuff.

Ann has a cat named Thore. She likes to sleep in the window.

Suddenly, thee wolves appeared. Ann hid in her room. They went away.

Ann's mama told her she could have ice cream if she ate "Everything on thee plate".

Ann ate everything on thee plate and laughed.

Something was wrong.

She saw thee ice cream truck and she screamed.
05/06 Direct Link
BlackBerry co-CEO Jim Balsillie today announced he had made an offer to buy the Phoenix Coyotes and relocate the team to the Southern Ontario region.

As we reported yesterday, and last Friday, and the Tuesday before and the Tuesday before that Tuesday, and that Tuesday's yesterday and five days before that Monday, and two weeks before that Monday, and indeed 86 times in the last half year, Balsillie has been trying to purchase a dying sports team with his billions and billions.

Coming up, a "splainer," as we in the news business call it: JIM BALSILLIE: WHO GIVES A FUCK?
05/07 Direct Link
Today there was a flurry of email. Lots of my co-workers had their bank accounts accessed and money stolen. Three of my acquaintances, plenty more. The fog of information passed throughout the day as the ripped-off recounted where they had used their cards. Soon it became apparent that the source was a salad bar in the food court.

A guy came by. He said, "Looks like the salad bar was the place."

I said, "Well, anyone who eats salad deserves what he gets."

"I eat at that salad bar all the time!" he huffed.

Geez, can't people take a joke???
05/08 Direct Link
FRIDAY EPHEMERA


So I hear that a certain beauty contest winner from a western state recently came out against same-sex marriage and now bloggers have uncovered some revealing semi-naked photos. Word is he might be stripped of his presidency.

***

Vegetarians eat what they are.

***

"Hi! The Princess Bride and Spaceballs are my favourite movies! Wanna date?"

***

One of my girlfriends is a black girl. The first time after we got freaky, I rubbed her face. "It doesn't come off." Then she rubbed my face. "Yours doesn't come off either."

***

I want to make Smookler hate me.
05/09 Direct Link
THE INTERNET LOTTERY SUICIDE TRICK


Hey kids! Want to drive someone to suicide? Here's a trick you can do!

1. Take control of a major media organization.

2. Find out the lottery numbers your 'enemy' uses.

3. Publish those numbers on the website of you major media organization, all the while calling them 'unofficial' numbers. (Just in case there's an inquest.)

4. Sit back and watch! Your enemy will come into your workplace and strut and crow about winning the lottery! Bask in the glory of your evil. He will tear his hair. He will throw himself off a bridge.
05/10 Direct Link
A phenomenon takes place.

There are an undetermined number of particles involved. Each particle has several sets of particles orbiting it. The nearest set has the smallest number; the most distant set has an infinite number. Each particle, theoretically or virtually, connects to all other particles. This is the system.

Each particle has manifest spin, ie objects.

A particle separates, temporarily, but leaving a spin behind to be reclaimed later. If the particle returns to find its spin gone, what is a particle to do?

The particle sits. It waits for its spin to return. The particle can wait forever.
05/11 Direct Link
I have to say, I like being this part of it. Everyone thinks the showy bit is the best part, but think of it: what's so great about being so exposed? what's so great about leaves and birds?

I'm flashy, the other roots are too, even though we pretty much do everything for ourselves and no-one else. BUT everyone knows that we grow just as quickly as the upper part. Plus, we have to more ingenious as we dig and dig and dig.

So let the branches and leaves grow. I'm staying down here, with the dirt and the food.
05/12 Direct Link
THE ROUND OF A GAME OF WORD ASSOCATION (IN AN ABSURD FORMAT) THAT RESULTED IN AN UNWANTED THOUGH HAPPY PREGNANCY

"Hair."
"Hair."
"Forehead."
"Forehead."
"Eyebrows."
"Eyebrows."
"Eyes."
"Eyes."
"Irises."
"Irises."
"Nose."
"Nose."
"Nostrils."
"Nostrils."
"Ears."
"Ears."
"Earlobes."
"Earlobes."
"Mouth."
"Mouth."
"Mouth."
"Mouth."
"Mouth."
"Mouth."
"Chin."
"Chin."
"Neck."
"Neck."
"Shoulders."
"Shoulders."
"Arms."
"Arms."
"Shoulders."
"Shoulders."
"Hands."
"Hands."
"Palms."
"Palms."
"Fingers."
"Fingers."
"Thumbs."
"Thumbs."
"Nails."
"Nails."
"Chest."
"Breast."
"Nipples."
"Nipples."
"Belly."
"Belly."
"Groin."
"Groin."
"Genitals."
"Genitals."
"Penis."
"Vagina."
"Prick."
"Pussy."
"Dick."
"Box."
"Joint."
"Twat."
"Cock."
"Cunt."
"Testes."
"Ovaries."
"Out."
"In."
"In."
"Out."
"In."
"Out."
"In!"
"Out!"
"In!"
"Out!"
"Aah!"
"Aah!"
"Aah!"
"Aah!"
05/13 Direct Link
One day, Jimmy got an invite from his old college buddies. It was an invite to a necktie party. Gee, I guess they've let bygones be bygones, he concluded.

He thought back on those long-ago days at the Institute. Boy, was I ever rotten back then! Of course, he'd changed since then. He'd changed a great deal, yes.

He rifled through his collection. He had a lot of ties. Most were stolen. (Let's not go into from where.) He picked out a long striped one which had belonged to Steph's husband and put it on. It was time to go!
05/14 Direct Link
Matt sat atop the tor. He could hear near zombies ascending and far zombies masticating. His entire village had been wiped out. He was all alone, and the zombies could smell him.

He looked to the skies and cried, "God, send a great rain, forty days and forty nights, to wash the zombies away!"

The rains began, a terrible downpour. The zombies were washed down the slopes and drowned. (Zombies can drown.)

Matt looked around. He realized he had no food. His fertile valley was already under water.

"God, send some food!"

A voice replied, "No helicopters for you, son."
05/15 Direct Link
Greg and I were cleaning the LPs urgently. We were drenching them in distilled water and rubbing and rubbing with soft cloths as quickly as we could. Greg cried, "Look! It's not coming off!" I grabbed the disk from him and looked closely. "You're right! Rub harder!" I cried, throwing it back to him. "Harder! Harder!"

He fell to the ground in hysterics. "It's no use! I can't get this one clean!" I took it from him! "Look!!" I shouted! "It's not dirt! It's the shadow of the other side's LABEL!!!" He took the record up, looked, and laughed insanely!!!
05/16 Direct Link
COME ON DOWN to the Broadview Public Library on Saturday the 16th of May and meet the hottest new undiscovered writer of his generation!

JOHN SKAIFE will be signing computer printouts of his 'poems' for any and all, and he will be reciting for anyone who will listen some of his 'contemporary classix.'

JOHN SKAIFE holds degrees in Communications, English, and Library Science, and he is an expert on music, literature, film, recording technology, computers and the internet, barbecuing, Cajun cookery, 'Golden Age' pornography, optical illusions, origami, cruciverbalism, alcohol and marijuana, Half Life, and married women of a certain age!
05/17 Direct Link
house news, week twelve


STRANGE PUDDLE

A strange puddle was discovered on the stairs. Many believed it was merely cat upchuck. It was cleaned up by the authorities.


NEW SEASON

A new season of Deep Space Nine started yesterday night. Reviews were generally positive.


BREASTS SEEN

At breakfast, Carmen leaned over the table, revealing her breasts--though not to the nipple--to your correspondent.


RIDING TO SCHOOL, URBAN DECAY WITNESSED

Spotted on Jarvis, a prostitute at eight-thirty in the morning.


AMBIGUOUS THOUGH OMINOUS SOUNDS HEARD

Late at night were heard voices. "No, I can't stay." "Why not?"
Many hate them.
05/18 Direct Link


--I've decided to re-create Jorges Luis Borges's thing about Pierre Menard.

--What??

--I've decided to re-create Jorges Luis Borges's thing about Pierre Menard.

--How?

--By living like him, by dressing like him.

--Who? I've lost track.

--Borges.

--Borges.

--Borges, that's right.

--I've lost track. What's your thing?

--I have to write like Borges!

--So, go.

--I stuck spikes in my eyes to be blind.

--For Borges it was congenital.

--Congenital?

--So you're not going to come close. Ever.

--I've wasted my entire life!
05/19 Direct Link
ASSHOLE: I can see the future.

DUPE: Hwat? How?

-I look across the room and I see how things were a millisecond ago.

-Wow.

-And when I look to the skies I look back in time.

-That's pretty wild, dude.

-Yeah. It's how things were, just looking at the sky.

-Wow. So, what's this thing about the future?

-I don't thing you're ready for this.

-Aw, you tease!

-Okay. Look.

-Oh wow, he's, he's, like, turned his eyes around! If looking forward meant seeing the past, then looking backwards means seeing the future! Far out!

-Gimme a thousand dollars!

-Sure!
05/20 Direct Link
The First Shot is the Cheapest

Bob West, the American actor who provided the voice of Barney the Purple Dinosaur and sang the hit single 'I Love You,' was found dead in his West Los Angeles apartment early Tuesday morning. West had several bullet holes through his skull (which lay, scooped clean of brain, nine feet from his torso), every single one of his fingers was broken, his legs were ripped from their sockets, his genitalia was horribly mutilated, beside him in blood were scrawled the words, "MY KILL," and half his liver was missing. Foul play is not suspected.
05/21 Direct Link
(adagio)
Hey jude (Judy-Judy-Judy!) don't make it bad (strangle zem!)
Take a sad song (boo-hoo-hoo!) and make it better (yippee!)
Remember (bang!) to let her into your heart (thub-dub, thub-dub)
Then you can start (Beetlebaummmmmm) to make it better (doc I'm kyoyd!)

(presto)
Hey jude (JudyJudyJudy) dont be afraid (mu-hu-ha-ha-ha!)
You were made to go out and get her (masher!)
The minute you let her (humma humma humma) under your skin (ow!)
Then you begin (bang!) to make it better ([bottle opening] Ah!)

Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na hey jude
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na hey jude
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na hey jude
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na hey jude
(turn the page, ya fathead!)
05/22 Direct Link
DAY_ONE


I got $100 American from a bank-machine in Fort Erie, Ontario. American money's funny. It doesn't look like it's worth anything. Maybe money really is just paper until you try to spend it.

We got lost in Buffalo, maybe because Bernard was driving on the wrong side of the road. We found ourselves in "the bad part of town." (It looked like our own neighbourhood.) A criminal who looked like me gave us directions out.

After a meal in a restaurant I put down $60 American. The waitress said, "Think you can fool me?" and tore up the papers.
05/23 Direct Link
DAY_TWO


DRIVER: Do we go through Olean to reach Allegany?

PASSENGER: Yeah, looks like it.

BACKSEAT: ...

DRIVER: Do they seem like Halifax and Dartmouth?

PASSENGER: No, these places are much smaller.

BACKSEAT: (snigger)

DRIVER: But are they pretty much the same place?

PASSENGER: No, they've got separate spots.

BACKSEAT: (whew!)

DRIVER: Okay, where are we going?

PASSENGER: I think we have to go ... east. West.

BACKSEAT: (You got maps with your invitations, and then BOTH forgot them!)

DRIVER: ...

PASSENGER: ...

DRIVER: How's it going back there?

BACKSEAT: I'm having a good time, pointing and laughing at you.
05/24 Direct Link
DAY_THREE


I was talking to a fictional character yesterday and he told me, "It was the bottom of the ninth, Yankees were down three, bases loaded, Mantle was up, popped--bam!--to the right field, and a man and a woman both stood up to catch it, and these two people became my parents. If Mantle hadn't popped that homer (winning the game, incidentally), I wouldn't be here today."

"Wow," I said. "But, you know what's even stranger?"

"What?"

"No-one would note your non-existence."

He didn't like this answer.

***

Bye-bye, America! If my frequency holds, see you in 2024!
05/25 Direct Link
THE MESSAGE

Once, a very old lady meeting a middle-aged man with curly hair said, "Oh, your hair, it's gorgeous, I want to run my fingers through it!" and the man clutched her by the throat and screamed, "Hah! This can't be new! You must have always wanted to run your fingers through a man's curly hair! but as a younger woman you were too vain to say so! Tell your graddaughters to be bolder so that young curly-haired men won't feel so freakish!" but he had been clutching her throat too tightly, and thus the message died with her.
05/26 Direct Link
"Ten years ago there was in Florence a Duke of the House of Medici who was married to Madame Marguerite, the natural daughter of the Emperor."

Marguerite de Navarre, The Heptameron

A beautiful woman who's been to court a few times has a child. Husband goes off to war. Child gets sick. She summons the apothecary but she cannot pay him. He requests something else. She tells him to come in the night. A Franciscan shows up somehow and tell her the child has a demon. He can summon the demon, but the demon needs to be exorcised through sex....
05/27 Direct Link
-Hi, Mary!

-Hi, Helen!

-What's cooking?

-Just a little something for the potluck!

-Wow! Sure is colourful!

-Sure!

-What is it?

-I call it ... Rombauer Surprise!

-Neat! What's in it?

-Liptauer cheese spread, bacon, fish, poppy seeds, fruit punch, and shortening!

-Wow! How'd you come up with that?

-The ingredients were chosen at random from the index of The Joy of Cooking!

-Wow! And you just mixed stuff randomly?

-Yes! It's a part of my theory of food. See-

-No time for theories and stuff! Gimme a taste! Yum!

-Good?

-Wonderful! Give it a French name and you're set!
05/28 Direct Link
LIBERAL: Run a deficit.
CONSERVATIVE: No.
LIBERAL: Run a deficit.
CONSERVATIVE: I said no.
LIBERAL: Get with the program!
CONSERVATIVE: No.
LIBERAL: I got friends.
NDP: Look what I found in my nose!
CONSERVATIVE: No.
LIBERAL: I know you want it.
CONSERVATIVE: I don't.
LIBERAL: C'mon, pussycat.
CONSERVATIVE: No. Don't call me that.
LIBERAL: Run a deficit.
CONSERVATIVE: No.
LIBERAL: I'm turning blue.
CONSERVATIVE: No.
NDP: I read books!
LIBERAL: You're getting sleeeepy.
CONSERVATIVE: No.
LIBERAL: I'll arrange an election.
CONSERVATIVE: No!
LIBERAL: I swear I will.
CONSERVATIVE: Okay. I'll run a deficit.

LIBERAL: You've run a deficit!
CONSERVATIVE: Aaargh!
05/29 Direct Link
The Terrace at Night

The floor os covered with interlocking rubber squares, all sorts of colours. Around the perimiter there's a bench. There's a bag of soil and two potted romato plants. In a cafe table sits a barbecue about a month oldl I trie dto get it to work but I dodnt supple enough oxygen to the combustioon. Oh, and there's somerhting I can;'t describer in the far cfoirner. NBear the barbecue there's a bottle lpog of lighter fluid a raccoon has made holes in. It 's leakoinjgh.

I guess that's what I get for writing in the dark.
05/30 Direct Link
At the corporate head office of the California branch of PepsiCo Inc.:

All the executives were on tenterhooks waiting for their new hotshot advertising guru, recommended by Richard Florida himself, to make his presentation.

The guru stood.

"Gentlepeople. Our revenues are falling. This is calamitous for us! We've tried re-branding, but the consumer knows what's in the bottle is the same as ever. So let's do something really bold! Let's re-name the product! I think we should call it...

"COCA-COLA!"

...a crickety pause...

The CIO said, "Um, you were involved with the NoOnProp8 campaign, right?"

"How'd you know?"

"Wild guess."
05/31 Direct Link
The old man came into my home last night and sat down by the fire. His bones creaked, he moaned. He'd lived an awful long time. How can I tell you what the old man said to me? He told me I was still young, that I have lots of time ahead of me. I said, But time is passing faster and faster. It looks like half, but it's more like an eighth.

He said I was being generous with myself. "Hate to tell you this, son," he said, "But you've only got about a thirty-half left.

"Use it wisely."