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10/01 Direct Link
MATH QUESTION

a) A boy is born on his father's 30th birthday. At a certain age, the boy will be 2/3rds his father's age.

b) The boy in question is the final instance of a long chain of generations upon generations, going back several million years. When he dies, so dies all of the effort that went into creating him at this particular time. And then, 'suddenly,' the era of his existence is finished, and he is buried, cremated, or otherwise disposed of. After some time, he is entirely forgotten.

How may these interrelated phenomena be expressed using numbers alone?
10/02 Direct Link
The Ghost stalks silently through the noisy home, the noisome streets, the nosy office; gazes avert as he passes amongst the living.

The Ghost is used to having streetcar people almost sit on him. The Ghost has a bank account into which is directly deposited his paycheck. The Ghost has been ordering through amazon.ca the complete Motown singles. The Ghost creeps through the world, gathering information and sending it to some distant mysterious plane.

Sometimes an unlucky or naïve person happens to speak to the Ghost, and the Ghost invariably replies, "Who are you to talk to me like that?"
10/03 Direct Link
EXECUTIVE EDITOR: Okay, Senior Editors and Junior Editors, listen up: People are starting to catch on to the outrageous bias of our operations.

SENIOR EDITOR: You mean how we all love socialism because it's linguistic and not mathematical?

EE: Precisely. But I for one do not want to let go of the invites to the cocktail parties of the elite. Thus, we must disguise our communist bias. Any ideas how?

JUNIOR EDITOR: Why don't we call our most insanely partisan items, "Reality Checks?"

EE: Reality Check? Excellent! Truly good deception! We can probably milk a couple extra months from that! Excellent!
10/04 Direct Link
THE BURNING MIRROR

I've taken an old mirror out of storage now that we have more room here in this bigger house. I've hung it on a wall in the living room.

It's got a wood frame painted gold.

I know chemistry. I know that light changes everything. I know that silver oxide backing, even reflective silver oxide, reacts to light. After all, no reflection is perfect. There's always a bit of light that changes the mirror.

If I stare carefully enough, I can see the past in it. I have to be able to. That's the way science works.
10/05 Direct Link
Strange, but he could always see people muttering, muttering away, one, two, three a day; he'd see them mutter, then he'd realize he'd seen peripherally that the mutterer had been looking at him in the instant before. What were they muttering? They were muttering something short, of three or four syllables at the most, sometimes to someone sitting beside them, sometimes to the book being read. He'd watch them as they appeared to lose interest. Recently, there came a day when he couldn't stand it anymore. He stood up and said, "I'm not muttering, I'm not speaking, I'm not crazy."
10/06 Direct Link
My mother telephoned me. My father's in the hospital again. He fell, his head hit a drawer handle in the kitchen. Where will he go? Back to the apartment, to a nursing home?

He finally failed an Alzheimer's test last month. I understand he's reaching for things that aren't there, and referring to events past like they were happening today.

But when he dies, it won't be so bad. Everyone's dying in the proper order: no children before parents.

Except for my eldest sister, who died as a baby.

Well now, isn't this gravely ironic. I can't remember her name.
10/07 Direct Link
Instead of taking a trip to Europe I decided to build a theme park model of it in my back yard.

I dug a deep pit right in the middle. Then over a winter I saved all my shit and dumped it in in the spring.

I started looking for dead dogs. I threw in all I could find. There it was, shit and dead dogs: it was really coming along!

I hired a surly gatekeeper who insisted on bribes. My model was complete.

The irony is that the only people to visit my theme park were Europeans: delighted Europeans.
10/08 Direct Link
Spruce pine
cedar maple Larch
Hemlock maple Poplar
maple Fir oak cedar oak
hickory Willow Walnut maple
Sycamore birch Sumac elm aspen
maple Ash oak Redbud oak Poplar
Plum spruce Oak ash pine oak
Mulberry cherry         aspen Maple
hickory maple                 hickory
Hawthorn                           Elm poplar
cherry                                       sumac
birch                                     birch maple
Pine oak                           Aspen Ash
Spruce oak                       hickory Pine
Spruce Larch                hemlock pine fir
Cedar Willow             maple oak Walnut ash
Sycamore Sumac     Redbud poplar oak
Maple Ash Plum oak hickory Mulberry
maple Maple sumac oak Hickory
cedar Spruce Hawthorn cherry
spruce Elm elm oak maple
Cherry Birch aspen
maple pine
oak ash
10/09 Direct Link
I get a lot from dreams. Some folks take them as nightmares. Here's the nightmare I just woke up from.

I said to Mary, "I don't think we're getting along." She said, "You're right. I want to break up." I said, "Can't we discuss it?" She said, "No."

We were in a restaurant. She wanted me to move out as soon as possible. I thought about costs, books, and storage. I made sure she knew what she was saying. "Yes."

Tony was there. I couldn't tell him. He was just leaving. I asked her again. Then I woke up crying.
10/10 Direct Link
Compte Surmontagne, having been dismissed, was cleaning out his bureau when Bishop Reale came up.

Said the Bishop, "Monsieur, are you leaving us?"

Said the Compte, "I have been dismissed due to a pun."

"Praytell?"

"I punned on our Sovereign's epithet, L'une, by saying be was often a L'unatique."

"Heavens! You're lucky to escape with your life!"

"Ah, Compte, remember when he was merely in the running for the throne? He seemed to have such potential for goodness. Now he is a bloodthirsty tyrant."

"True. So, where will you go?"

"I think I'll cross the ocean, and settle in France."
10/11 Direct Link
DRUNKBLOGGING: "Alison"

Sweetr-beginning

Melanciolfuy
Pull fo your party drenn
Sticky
Not my nmine

This world is jillong you

By-ain

Pretty bfinger in whiding csmk tsle asll ut takr

Cut uot like skill
Alison killing yiou
My aime it truw'

My ain lis tris
My ai is true

My aim is truew\

Evr3eone's breathign pown one breaking soinme one ;s alafy
anothrh home

Kike anoterh's es home oeons looking into ioneo another s eyeys

Still gati lalonmg ehat to go home
gon ont gklomnggg

Sed tpo t be disgsuuteded anfels redfdhiws=d echoe ans wqaga brus ways blues wan t sdriop blue
10/12 Direct Link
A four-person documentary film crew shows up in a small isolated community to make a documentary about the making of a zombie film which had been made in the community twenty years before. The locals do or do not remember the film. The filmmakers are sophicated, condescending, snobs. Sabotage takes place and hostilities rise. A two-person crew of even more condescending snobs show. One is appearing in a campy musical based on the movie. In the end, the locals surround the motel in which the filmmakers are staying, and things get rather bloody. There's even a report of some cannibalism!
10/13 Direct Link
THE ICHY NEWS
(Canada's Random Aggregator)

Stone: 'W' sheds light on Bush's impact

B & E stopped by owner

SenoRx Announces Claim Construction Hearing Held in Pending Hologic V. SenoRx Litigation

Reynolds breaks strikeout record

A winless weekend for field hockey

Can the iPhone connect to Draft-N networks like the PSP?

Risiko: Berufsunfähigkeit! Jetzt Versicherungen kostenlos beim fünffachen Testsieger vergleichen!

Boruc: I Made A Mistake

This Week In New York: T.I., Ben Folds, Nelly, Mary J. Blige

Gustav damage to roads, bridges placed at $200K

EuroTrash Thursday!

I'm looking for good looking guy rather than someone challenging, admits Kelly Brook
10/14 Direct Link
It's good when you have a place to go to when everything gets to be a little too much.

Holiday_A

You wake up, a little before dawn. You get out of bed, find a cigarette, and go out onto the covered porch. You go outside, and sit down on the steps. You light the cigarette, and look into the lightening darkness. The moon has gone down. The water of the lake is making noises: a fish or a bird. You can see dawn deep in the lake. You think, What's happening down in the city? but only for a moment.
10/15 Direct Link
THAT LITTLE RED ROOSTER

You seen my little red rooster
Hasn't seen me for days and days
You seen my little red red rooster
I hasn't seen it for days and days
If you see my little red rooster
Tell 'em his hen hasn't laid, been laid, for days

He's looking for his li'l red rooster
Missing from the yard for days and days
Where's that red rooster? I moan
But my man, so strange, just can't say
If you find my man's little red rooster, that rooster,
Why don't you send him on home with his rooster to me.
10/16 Direct Link
My father's a painter--(should that be in the past tense?)--and so, I suppose, he's not afraid of describing his visual impulses. So he tells my mother all about his hallucinations. He tells her about seeing kittens in the corner, and he's seen me pulled away from his bedside by nurses, and he's seen nothing at one point when some nasty boys on Monday night took him from his bed and into the woods.

Today: "He seemed to only hallucinate once today. He looked up at the ceiling. Then he said, 'No, that's not right,' and brushed it away."
10/17 Direct Link
Seems that if you say you're for hope and change you can be as hateful and reactionary as you want.

He is hurling us to damnation, thinking it salvation.

People tend to overestimate their buddies. For the sake of Liberty, let's hope the media are no different.

AP/YAHOO! poll
predicts
a shining death camp
upon a hill

THE PLUMBER: Context is needed every time the crucifying media drive a nail into Joe: and so the papers are forced to contextualize the encounter: and during their contextualization, they have to reveal Obama as the socialist he is. Karl Rove, you genius!
10/18 Direct Link
I had excuses before. "I can't go bowling. I've got appointments." And I felt that was all right. I was fulfilling my obligations. "I have previous plans." And at the time I regretted not being able to go. Man, I would have loved to have gone, but....

But now there's another invite, and I have no excuse.

What am I gonna do?

How can I get out of it?

Please!

Please!

Help me!

But you are so far away!

You won't see this til (at the earliest) Nov. 1st!

and if 100words fucks up again, maybe not til much later!
10/19 Direct Link
THE FISH SHOP SKETCH

I went into a fish shop. I said to the guy, "You got any fresh tilapia?"

Guy said, "I don't know. Is that freshwater or tropical?"

I said, "I dunno. It's fish."

Guy said, "We got goldfish and tetras and stuff."

I said, "Tetra. Is that like tilapia?"

Guy said, "I don't know. I've never heard of tillapiya."

I said, "It's good eating. White fish. Nice fried."

Guy said, "You're in the wrong place, sorry, these aren't food fish, they're fish-tank fish, you know?"

I yelled, "I'm so duped!"

I'm telling you, I was so mad!
10/20 Direct Link
FISH SHOP: ALTERNATE BEGINNING

Into a fish shop I went. I said to the guy, "You got any fresh tilapia?"

Guy said, "I don't know. Is that freshwater or tropical?"

I said, "I dunno. It's fish."

Guy said, "We got goldfish and tetras and stuff."

I said, "Tetra. Is that like tilapia?"

Guy said, "I don't know. I've never heard of tilapia."

I said, "It's good eating. White fish. Nice fried."

Guy said, "You're in the wrong place, sorry, these aren't food fish, they're fish-tank fish, you know?"

I yelled, "I'm so duped!"

I'm telling you, I was so mad!
10/21 Direct Link
PORNOGRAPHY TAXONOMY ROUNDTABLE

LORD LACKWILLY: Blimey, those frogs. Raping women, abusing them.... Typical Frenchies, really. Tally ho!

FONTAIN LEPEW: Ze Germains, zey laugh at zex! Oo can laugh during sex? I would loose my de Gaulle!

BURGOMEISTER THROCK: Ach! All zese zircus Eyetie freaks, disproportionatal women, dwarfs even. Mater!

GIACOCO - What do Japs know of l'amore? Ten schoolgirls and one scared boy with glasses? That's not arte!

TOKOYAMA ISUZU - I want live in America. They such big eyes! Ai! Ai!

JOE BAZOOKA - Well, I'll be. Lookit the purdy porny limey burd. OH MY GOD LOOKIT 'ER TEETH!
10/22 Direct Link
4 January 2008

"Because we aren't a collection of red states and blue states. We are the United States, of the Ruler and the Ruled. We are that place where one man can wield supreme power over an entire nation. Lemme put it another way: We are a nation of the Boot, and the Faces, the Faces of the People, onto which we can push the Boot. Yes, literally, a Boot: the Boot of the State that shall stomp on the counter-revolutionary... Oh, sorry, I'm reading the wrong speech. This one's for November."

***

Trends in Art: is an oxymoron!
10/23 Direct Link
After the performance, a young man came into the tuning room. I was swabbing my neck. He said, "That was a great show."

I said, "Oh? Tell me, did you prefer Rejoice in the Lamb, or Festival Te Deum?"

"Whatever. You know what you should use?"

"What?"

"Vocoders."

"Vocoders?"

"You hook your singing up to an electric guitar through a tube. Then you all wail away on the 'lecs, still singin', but it'll rock, fuckin' wail it."

"Sorry, wait. You're an idiot, right?."

"Eric Clapton or someone used it. Can you feel like we do."

"You're an idiot. Goodbye."

Kids!
10/24 Direct Link
GPokr report

5s 8s.
Fold.
9c 8h.
Fold.
6d 7d.
Call.
Call.
Call.
BUSTED!
4d Js.
Fold.
2d 3d.
Call.
Fold.
4h 5h.
Call.
Call.
Fold.
Qd 5s.
Fold.
2s Kd.
Fold.
3s 4s.
Call.
BUSTED!
6d 10d.
Call.
Bet.
Bet.
Call.
2c Kc.
Call.
Call.
Call.
BUSTED!
change table
Kh 8s.
Fold.
7s 10s.
Call.
Call.
Call.
Call.
Fold.
2d 10h.
Fold.
8s 6s.
Call.
10s 9d.
Call.
Call.
BUSTED!
Kh Js.
Raise.
Call.
Raise.
Call.
(I win here.)
7d 4s.
Fold.
6h 8d.
Fold.
Ah 10s.
Raise.
Call.
Raise.
(I win here.)
10c 2c.
Fold.
2d 7s.
Fold.
10/25 Direct Link
I, Darienne, said, "I'm so tired of this."

Alfonse said, "What you referring to?"

"I'm tired of stamping the needed word blues to all this good music. I have to print on the label Rooster Blues, Corinna Blues, Restless Blues. Going Home Blues, Trippin' Blues, Firehouse Blues, Red Light Blues, Ramblin' Blues, Whorehouse Blues, I'm getting tired of stamping the characters B-l-u-e-s."

He said, "You know what you got?"

I said, "No, what I got?"

He said, "Know what you got?"

I say, "What I got?"

"What you got."

"What I got."

"What you got."

"What I got."

"What you got."
10/26 Direct Link
Greetings From Mexico!

-Where did this come from?
-What is it?
-It's a postcard.
-Let me see it. I don't recognize it.
-It got here somehow.
-It's stamped. A Mexican stamp.
-Who do you know in Mexico?
-No one. It's old, Jimmy. It's old.
-Where could it have come from?
-Maybe it was here before us.
-What?
-In the house before we moved in.
-I don't remember ever seeing it before.
-Neither do I. Never.
-I can't make out the last name.
-John Sssomebody?
-I guess so.
-What should we do with it?
-Who's it addressed to?
-Ah! This house.
10/27 Direct Link
Meanwhile, on the Planet of the Cows....

Bess was going through that difficult stage.

"I'm not eating human beings any more."

Her father cried, "What!"

"I think it's savage, and primitive. Only barbarians eat people. I'm becoming a vegetarian."

"You'll starve! You'll have an iron deficiency!"

"I'll take pills. Iron supplements."

"Flossie, are you hearing what your daughter is saying?"

"Yes, dear."

Bess said, "Look, Dad, I saw a movie about the factory farms they're raised on. It's horrendous!"

"They don't know any difference! They're just people!"

"It's horrid!"

"Look: if they could eat us, don't you think they would?"
10/28 Direct Link
There she lay, sleeping so peacefully. One corner of her mouth was slightly open, and through it hissed deep breath. In the middle of the night she was in the middle of something else altogether; but what? What was going on inside of her? If I woke her at that moment, perhaps she'd be able to tell me; but how could I be certain of that? It was better not to disturb her. A corner of the top blanket was touching the floor. I left it there. She needed her sleep. I put the pistol to my temple and fired.
10/29 Direct Link
300

is the number in the line above, and it's how many words, counting from its place, I have left of October. Then, it's all over. 274 is all that's left now.

I don't know what the next one will be. It's unwritten. That's the truth. Also, it is, in fact, the 29th of October. I'm right on schedule.

What'll happen tomorrow? What's left in store for you? Believe me, if I knew, I would tell you.

After the following aphorism, there will only be 200 to go. Only 200 left!

***

Art is the application of meanings onto things.
10/30 Direct Link
Recognitions

"What's this under the glass here? It looks to be a poem. Italian?" "Yes, it's sonnet, by Michelangelo." "What in Heavens does it mean?" "I have it here somewhere, a translation." "But, my dear, why is this under glass?" "It's the original." "You perverse thing! You seem to value the original over the copy! Do you hear that, Throck?" "Hrrmm hrrmmm." "My dear, have you not a copy? Preferably, a translation?" "Darling, my bohemian darling, show my mother a replica." "Very well." "There we are. You perverse thing! Let us read the True Roman. Nantucket from where she was..."
10/31 Direct Link
  K-nock, k-nock?
 Oh, hello? Are you the locksmith?
 Yes, I'm the sociopathic maniac. Oops! Forget you heard that! Ahem. Yes, I'm the locksmith.
 Great! Because we need one, today!
 And that's why I'm here.
 Glad we settled that.
 As. Am. I.
 We're having trouble with our front door.
 Is this your front door here?
 Yes.
 What's the trouble?
 It's open. And we don't know how to close it. Honey!
 Yes, dear?
 This is the locksmith.
 Hello.
 Hello.
 I was just telling him about our door troubles.  Yes, we don't know how to close a door.
 We're from Bulgaria.
 Or Taiwan.