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12/01 Direct Link
I decided to start December by buying a new leather coat. The one I had was beat up and torn and the zipper was busted so I figured now was a good time.

I haven't smoked in a month, that could be another reason.

I wanted to get out of the house, that's another.

So I've got a new coat. Lambskin, with a fake fur collar. It's wonderfully warm.

I chose it quickly. I saw it, knew it was for me. I think the salesman was surprised at how quickly I knew what I wanted.

Hurray for my new coat!
12/02 Direct Link
I ran into Max today. He said, "Man, I've found just the greatest code!"

"Secret code?"

"Secretest code, man! You see, the feds expect a code, but whuzzabout a gorythmic code?"

"Speak."

"Everytime I'm about to write 'e,' I write down 'e' instead. Get it?"

"Not quite."

"Each letter, symbol, I'll replace with a thing that's, like, exactly the same! All esses look like esses, all vees like vees, fuck, man, no-one'd crack that code!"

"So, for example, 'dog?'"

You see 'dog,' but it don't mean 'dog.' What you see, and what I write, two different things altogether!"

Oh Max.
12/03 Direct Link
I wore my magic coat to work today. There's been lots of snow and it's been cold.

Everyone on the street was looking at my new magic coat. I had magically become a better person. Poof! Just like that!

In the middle of the afternoon the fire alarm went off. I grabbed my coat and put it on and went downstairs. I talked with S-, and with K-, and with J-, and with C-. I talked to four girls!

The magic had pretty much vanished by the end of the day. But I'm certain the magic will start again tomorrow!
12/04 Direct Link
PHONE FUN! 1

"Something's wrong here."

But what's the problem? Is it the router? Is it the adapter? Is it the phone line? or the soft-, the hard-ware?

So you call up Customer Service because one technological aspect of your life has gone wonky.

And then there's a pre-recorded voice, and this is what it says, on the 1-800: "Your call may be recorded for training purposes."

And you wait...

And you wait...

And you wait...

And once you finally reach someone, be sure to say, "I just want you to know I'm recording this call. For purely personal purposes."
12/05 Direct Link
PHONE FUN! 2

So, you're on the streetcar, just goin' to work, an' there's a woman (it's almost always a woman), an' she's blabbing on her cellphone. So, what do you do? Your brains are bustin' out yer head with anger! So what you do?

It's the oldest trick in the book! You did it do your sister! Repeat everything she says!

I'm heading in to work.

I'm heading in to work.

He doesn't care.

He doesn't care.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Are you done?

Are you done?

What's your problem?

What's your problem?

Stop it!

Stop it!

Aagh!

Aagh!
12/06 Direct Link
Sex is merely a sleep-aid.

I think someone worried about polar bears should be given a chance to meet one. Like in a cage. With bright flashing lights all around.

I glanced at the horoscope scrolls in the drug store today. It appears Aries are the most gullible.

My beauty is in two eyes only.

It's like eating a pile of shit, puking it up, then eating the puke!

the red wheelbarrow
the handsaw

The unwanted child becomes the unwanted adult.

If I get fired, and disappear, let it be known it was because I was not a good propagandist.
12/07 Direct Link
SIMPLIFY, THEN EXAGGERATE: 1

Karlheinz Schreiber testified yesterday he used a Swiss bank account containing "success fees" from projects that moved forward under the Mulroney government to make his 1993 and 1994 cash payments to Brian Mulroney.

In seemingly unrelated news, John Skaife was overheard this morning telling an unnamed colleague that he intended to draw an undisclosed segment of his wages from a bank account code-named "JOHNSKAIFE" to get "royally shit-faced" that evening, despite his employer's alleged commitment to responsible and mature drinking. His employer could not be reached for comment.

--The Globe and Mail, December 7, 2007
12/08 Direct Link
It was supposed to be a simple Monday morning round of brain surgery. I cut through the skull, pulled off the cap, exposed the brain. At that moment I felt an odd stirring. This had never happened before. As I probed the folds in search of the tumor, I had a full and strong erection. I was afraid one of the nurses could see, and I bent over slightly. It was worse than the worst math class hard-on! I happily left the sewing-up for a student.

The surgery over, I looked at the patient's chart. It was my cousin Bren!
12/09 Direct Link
It's not easy running a hotel, let me tell you.

While ago, my and the wife were in the office. The weather was looking bad. Two couples came in simultaneously. The couple I booked in first were Germans. It was tough to get a credit card number from them. By the time I had the number, thunder and lightning had started. I hustled everyone to rooms, deciding I'd get the second couple's booking later.

Weeks after, I learn the couples have collaborated on a pamphlet. It's called JOHN SKAIFE IS A FEARFUL MOUNTAIN SWIMMER. What the hell does that mean?
12/10 Direct Link
I wasn't feeling at all well on Friday. I thought I was just blue because of certain circumstances. On Saturday, I felt really crappy, and it was just because of all the drinking the night before. There was just something wrong with me. Sunday was very much the same, though there were a few moments during which I thought I was okay. As far as today went, I got up, washed my hair, and then stood in the middle of the living room, examining myself, wondering if what I was feeling was what I was feeling. I called in sick.
12/11 Direct Link
1: NO DEPRESSION IN HEAVEN

I'll keep my moaning and groaning brief this year. If asked, "Are you going to the Christmas Party?" what will my answer be?

My answer might be, "I don't know. My moods are so uncertain, I won't know if I'm going until I get there. I could make it all the way to the place, this Bar Wellington, and turn around on the doorstep. I can't know what I will do until I do it. I'm funny that way."

Why did I phrase the above as, "My answer might be?" Same answer, more or less.
12/12 Direct Link
2. SINGLE GIRL, MARRIED GIRL

I was very depressed leaving work a while ago. I knew I was incapable of going to the party. I met up with Mary as usual, and after I wept and so on, I asked her about her day. She said she'd gone off to a bar with everyone from work, and that she'd gone even through she didn't really want to.

"If you didn't want to go, why did you?"

She said, "I never even considered not going."

"You didn't have to go."

"Of course I did."

"You had a choice."

"No, I didn't."
12/13 Direct Link
3: BUDDIES IN THE SADDLE

A crummy snowy day. The flakes were the size of nerfballs still in their packages. I slept some, and, as I slept, my nerve ebbed away. The party was so far away... they won't miss me... I'm happily unimportant... and so on. Soon, it was five o'clock, and Mary would be home soon. I wasn't showered, wasn't shaved.

And Lords above, she was happy to see me! she was happy I didn't go to the party after all!

We went down to the Abbey restaurant. Part of my deepfried fish was rotten--but so what?
12/14 Direct Link
"Sometimes I wish I could become invisible."

"Oh, so you could, what? O, so you could, like, shoplift stuff, out of a convenience store or some place like that? Or maybe, or maybe you'd wanna change test scores like in that movie by Chachi? Oh hell yeah like that Chachi thing where he goes invisble into the girls room an' he sees them taking off their clothes and going into and throwing the soap around? An' then, like in this porn movie I saw, man, there they be, sucking his dick--"

"No, really; just so people couldn't see me."
12/15 Direct Link
Kwa-kwa-kwa-kwa-kwa-kwa....

You know what that sound is, don't you?

It's the sound of a cat throwing up.

It's the sound of my cat throwing up.

She's over there, somewhere in the darkness, throwing up.

She had been on the bed with me. I'm glad she went away.

Kwaaaaaaaaaaa....

There it goes.

There's a wet and fresh pile of puke nearby. Somewhere in the vicinity.

It must be three in the morning. Or thereabouts.

It'll still be there in the morning.

She's back on the bed now.

Pussycat, pussycat....


P.S. It's the following night and I still haven't found the puke.
12/16 Direct Link
1. Well, isn't that strange!

2. I know; I got there at about 12:30, but it seems everyone had left by then.

3. What's there to miss?

4. Don't you remember? We talked for, like, a half-hour! Of course, you were really drunk....

5. Oh, I thought it was to be held on December 13 2008!!!

6. Mary needed me more ... as I found out.

7. I couldn't find the place.

8. I'm sorry.

9. Something came up, an illness in the family.

10. I just can't do that kind of thing.

11. I was too drunk to go.
12/17 Direct Link
"I never understood why the streetcar was always packed during snowy days until today when Mary said, 'It's because people leave their cars at home.' I said, 'Oh, that's right! I never thought of that!'

"And it was true. I never think or cogitate upon the fact that there are people in all those cars I find such a nuisance. There are people in them. Driving them. The cars are not just robots; those round things inside them, those things that are often bobbling on a communication device, why, those aren't the CPUs of the robots. Rather, they're people's heads."
12/18 Direct Link
"I mean, I'm not the absolute shyest person in the world. I know someone who's even shyer. Yes, I do, believe it or not. He's the doorman in my apartment building. Day in and day out, there he sits near the front door. He won't even say anything in response to anything you might say on your way out or in; maybe his name is known by other tenants, but not by yours truly. Now that's shy. I think of him when I'm in one of my typically embarrassing situations. Of course, being dead, things are much simpler for him."
12/19 Direct Link
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SURPRISE YOURSELF and in so doing perhaps SURPRISE YOUR FRIENDS if you have any!

JUST LIKE BEING PUNCHED!!!

(MUTTERED THREAT expansion kit sold separately.)
12/20 Direct Link
I gave it up too easy, that's all I got to say. Why didn't I resist? Why didn't I realize it was a mistake, this sexual intercourse stuff?

I liked her well enough, but really, there was no way it could have gone anywhere.

Then--poof--it was all gone, and I'd never be innocent again.

I writhe in depravity where I was swimming in purity.

I only had it once, then it was gone. Now it's like trying to become weightless without falling more.

Kids, don't wind up with misery like me
Don't too easy give up your virginity
12/21 Direct Link
A stranger on the street today passed me a slip of paper and this is what was on it:

"There was a King and a Queen. The Queen's hair was the envy of the Kingdom. The King said:

"'The beauty of your hair frightens me. I recall a parable:

"'"The sad man is he who digs a well with a ladle."

"'That is what I fear.'

"The Queen smiled, and cut off her hair."

I passed the paper back to the stranger and said:

"I'm sorry. They taught me to write ... but they never taught me how to read!"
12/22 Direct Link
SHE: Oh goddammit please please please fuck me, fuck me hard, fuck me really fucking hard! My cunt is all hot, it needs a nice hard cock in it, fuck, c'mon baby, fuck me, I want to feel your balls slapping against my, I've never been this horny before, it's a surprise to me too how much I want it, I'm dying for it, omigod I'm going fucking crazy! please cmon baby, get it out, get it in, your hot cock I need your hot hard cock in my pussy!

HE: I know that is not what you really want.
12/23 Direct Link
The alarm clock went off when it felt like it, therewith marking the time to turn back.

The shower water shimmied between slightly cool uncomfortable and its opposite, and that was the time to turn back.

And the toast?
The toast, counter to culinary physics, was stale even though it was, well, toast. Is this, I asked, the time to turn back?

At the corner a bus arrived. People were hanging out the windows. The driver spoke Spanish this was the time to turn back.

I waited for the next bus. Then I realized that I could really turn back.
12/24 Direct Link
I went down into my parents' basement. It was where I was to sleep. It was much larger than I remembered it from adolescence, contrary to the rules of memory, if you will. Where my mattress had been earlier there stood a triple-winged table, and on top of it all were eight chairs. My clothes had been removed by then. My brother, I knew, was in the furnace room. I talked to him through an intercom. "Can you help me?" He said, "I'm busy right now." He said, "Happy New Year."

How did he know a new year was coming?
12/25 Direct Link
NOTES TOWARDS A CHRISTMAS STORY

An old landlord forecloses on a young couple. He tells them, "Leave the stuff you don't want, and then get out."

He goes to the house after they've left. He finds they've left a cat behind. A mangy old rotten mean cat.

He takes the cat home, the cat's still mean and rotten. They fight a lot. They hate each other. A lot.

One day he comes home and the cat's not there. Good riddance! Then he discovers it's trapped in a tree.

He goes to the scene to burn the tree down.

Etc. etc.?
12/26 Direct Link
This is a panel cartoon I sketched out for Mary about a week ago and which I'll flesh out some time in the next couple days, probably on January 1st at work.

It's the interior of a Catholic church. A wall, signified by brickwork suggestions. At the top of the panel is the name of the church, say, ST. ALOYSIUS HOLY ROMAN CATHOLIC CHURCH. Below that is a sign giving directions. There's an arrow pointing left, and below it is the word, "CONFESSIONS." Under that, there's an arrow pointing right, and below it is the word, "APOLOGIES."

That's about it.
12/27 Direct Link
Today's top stories: the King Street streetcar was oddly crowded this day after Boxing Day, and I had to stand for most of the trip. I wrote a 100Words at work. Lisa told me she was going to pick up a kitten that evening, but later reported that the arrangement fell through. Mary and I went out for dinner, and we watched The Godfather. We didn't get off the couch once.

In other news: an Alberta man had been found dead after a three-day search, Benazir Bhutto was assassinated, and the Canadian Polystyrene Recycling Association plant in Malton is closing.
12/28 Direct Link
I went to the beer store today.

I needed my evening's beer.

I got in line.

A woman was clerking.

As I ordered, "Two bottles of Wells," I looked up at her, and our eyes met intensely.

She went into the back to get my beer.

The radio was playing "Free Bird."

Our eyes had met. I noted this again.

She came out with my bottles of beer, and I'm pretty sure she said, "Here, honey."

Our eyes met once more. I was slightly confused, or maybe more precisely shied.

I must make a note to mention her some day.
12/29 Direct Link
CONCLUSIVE PROOF THAT THE SO-CALLED "GOSPEL OF JESUS" IS A FORGERY

In Ch. 3 v. 16, Christ summons his disciples by email. Email was not invented until the 1965.

Ch. 6 v. 7 reads "And blessed be the sore of foot; for only Nixon coul go to China." This is a quotation from Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country, though it could well predate that motion picture.

In Ch. 9 v. 18, it is stated in parable that Lazarus met a man who "pwned" a thousand acres.

I'd go so far as to hazard that the forger is a nerd.
12/30 Direct Link
VARIATIONS

10 Places You Must Visit Before You Die
100 Epistolary Poems You Must Read Before You Eat Dinner
75 Riots You Must Participate In Before You Square the Circle
1,000,000 Heartbeats You Must Kiss Goodbye Before Ovarian Cancer Strikes
6 Bitches You Jus' Gotta Fuck Before the Equinox
18 Four Hour Art Films You Must Endure Before You Get to the Next Level of Donkey Kong
1,000 Commercials You Must Sit Through Before You Get to See the Movie
50 Ways You Must Enumerate Before You Leave Your Lover
20 Miles You Must Drive Before You Get to Loredo
12/31 Direct Link
Something that I notice every year about this time, just at the end of the year and the beginning of the next, as winter eats into my bones, as I look back and imagine my self just a year before and consider the huge gap between then and now, as I look ahead to the next year and count the days--366 this time around--until the sun is where it now is once again and my age has gone up by one once again, is that every year that goes by, things just get a little worse for me.