REPORT A PROBLEM
O man o man, I can't believe I paid six dollars to see that! Talk about false advertising! I thought I was paying for a horror movie, so there I am, sitting in the fekucta theatre, the Bijou, and the monsters were nowhere to be seen in the entire pic! I thought that for sure a monster was going to jump out that closet, but no, it was just an ordinary pantry. Steer clear, my friend, steer clear. A total ripoff. I should have left, first twenty minutes, what with all the loveydovey music and the titles in, like, script.
Last night, in the middle of my middle sleep, I remembered an Excel spreadsheet I had been working on the day before. I knew I'd filled in all the fields for one record, but had I filled in any more than that? I had been interrupted, somewhere in the middle of the second record.... Or had I filled in anything at all? Was I even filling in any kind of spreadsheet yesterday? What business did I have filling in a spreadsheet? I slowly became convinced that there wasn't any spreadsheet.
So why was I filling in spreadsheets in my sleep?
This is what I heard, neither more nor less, from the bathroom sink at two-thirty this morning:
"Drip, drip drip, drop drop, droup, droop drip drip, drip drop, droup, droop, droop drop drip, drip drip droup drop, drop droop drip, drip, drip droup, drop drop, droop drip, drip, drip, droup, drip, drop, droop, drip, drip, drop, droup, drip drip drop, droop, drip droup, drop drip, drip droop, drop, drip, drip, drip, droop, drop drop, drip droup, drop, drip drip, droop droop, drop drip, droup, droup drop, drop droop, drip drip, drop, drop drop, drip droop, drip, drip, drop drip, drop."
I CAN EASILY WRITE THIS FICTIONALIZATION BECAUSE THE INVERTED OBJECT OF MY (SELF)MOCKERY THINKS MY NAME IS JIM
"Visual Resources, John here."
"Oh, hi, Jim," (It was Deen), "Is, ah, Lisa there?"
"No, she's not at the desk today."
"How about Matt?"
"He's getting something from the seventh floor."
"She's at school."
"Uh, uh, Jeff?"
"Not 'til two."
one else there?"
"No, just me."
"Oh. Well, can you get me some stox of, like, affluent people on the streets of Moscow? 2007, 2006, 2005?"
"I'll see what I can do."
"Okay, Deen, fuck you very much."
To the editor:
In today's paper, Toronto columnist John Barber wrote, "I first became partial to proportional representation in 1995, when Mike Harris won 82 of 130 seats in the legislature with 45 per cent of the votes. A few years earlier, Bob Rae had won 74 seats with 38 per cent of the votes."
So each percentage Harris earned won him 1.82 seats, while Rae got 1.95 seats.
Barber should have become "partial to proportional representation" in 1990, since Rae's victory was more disproportionate. Why the blindness?
I think it's time the Globe hired a less partisan Toronto columnist.
"Hey man, I saw that, you were looking at my chick, weren't you?"
"You were looking at her, you were looking at her, like, like you wanted to fuck her, weren't you, goddammit weren't you?"
"Um, are you talking to me?"
"Yes, goddammit, yes, goddammit, you were looking at my chick, I could see it in your eyes, you wanna stick it in her, don't you?!"
"Um, is that Dundas Street down there?"
"Stop with the fuckin' games, you think I'm some kinda game-playing faggot, is that what you think, motherfucker?? Hey you! Hey! Come back here!"
Something has done really wrong with me. I don't know what to slip about it. About a week ago, I felt out of time. Every step I take, it takes like it's the
step I've answered. I'm asking questions before anyone wakes me anything. I'm leaving up too early. I'm having work too early. When me and my girlfriend shoot sex, I, well, think too early. I don't write I'll ever get back to normal. At least I can still be properly, that's one saving grace. But that helps not enough for me, not enough at all. Are me!
Goddammit, where are my black pants? I wore 'em last about a month or so ago, and no they're nowhere to be seen! Running though all the hangers in the closet, looking inside all the shirts, they're not, oh wait. No, these are some black pants of Mary's.... What the fuck are they doing on my side of the closet? She's got, like, two-thirds of the closet, can't she keep her stuff
I gotta lay down some rules. "Look, stay out of MY side." I guess the grey corduroys will have to do. Jeez. It's just annoying, that's all.
Ug came up one morning and saw Ag sitting in front of a glowing pile.
Ug said, "What's that?"
Ag said, "I call it 'urfire.' Pretty, ain't it?"
"Where's you get the idea?"
"I was looking at the sun as it came up this morning, and, well, I was just
"What's it do?"
"Gives off light. Pretty much like the sun, I guess."
"But, the sun's up. You don't need extra light."
Ag thought about this. Yes, it was day.
"You're right," he said, kicking dirt all over the pile. "Completely useless in the end. Let's go hunt deer."
THREE-DAY NOVEL CONTEST
I keep on hearing about this competition, so I've decided to give it a shot. Hold the applause. Of course, I'll be doing it in my own special way, heh-heh-heh. I'll start it as soon as I can, but, with the Toronto International Film Festival in town, along with all its risible goodness, it may take me some time, maybe a whole week, to get started on it.
It's only three days, after all; I'm sure I can devote that much to a contest. I wonder where the address is. I'll look online. Here it is: http://www.3daynovel.com/.
THE SOUND OF H.L. MENCKEN ROLLING OVER IN HIS GRAVE, AS HEARD FROM THE SET OF
ACROSS THE UNIVERSE
JULIE TAYMOR: Okay, people, listen up and be prepared to obey; in other words: dissent, meet door.
We all want to make sure we're on the same page, don't we? Yes, we do.
Since we're making a film about that fabulously independent-minded non-conformist band The Beatles, we have to agree on some principles.
Bush, corporations, war, global warming, are all bad.
Because, as H.L. Mencken said, "When our society behaves like sheep, surely they will sire wolves."
What was that noise?
Dear Johanna Schneller:
At the end of your article yesterday, you said that Eliot Goldenthal at the press conference for
Across the Universe
said, "Menken [sic] said, 'When our society behaves like sheep, surely they will sire wolves.'"
The only problem is that Mencken didn't say this; it was Bertrand de Jouvenal.
Isn't it ironic that Julie Taymor and Goldenthal are misinforming their employees, and that their employees are, sheep-like, believing them?
Isn't it also ironic that this misquotation completes an article that (unintentionally) illustrates the lock-step ideological uniformity of Hollywood?
Isn't it also ironic that a left-wing reporter is...?
Dear Globe and Mail,
Sorry, Matthew and Gayle, but the irony
lost on Brian De Palma. He apparently doesn't understand he's dehumanizing Iraqi corpses by using them as rhetorical sting.
Doesn't he understand the grounds on which the families of these people can sue him? Doesn't he get that they would be accusing him of exploiting their loved ones for personal gain?
Why didn't De Palma fake the corpses along with the rest of the story? It's probably because he thought he could get away with it, on the cheap.
Sheesh! And some people call Halliburton a war profiteer!
Jake and Jane meet again after some time apart on a downtown street outside a restaurant (Annie Hall). There were lovers once, and they almost married (The Red and the Black). They decide to go out for dinner together, at an Italian place (Lady and the Tramp). During the dinner, she says she's getting married (The Graduate). They walk for a long time (Far From the Madding Crowd). They go to bed together (Best of Seka) and have breakfast (The Simpsons). "I think I'm making a terrible mistake," she says (http://archive.salon.com/people/feature/2001/08/06/mcfeely/index.html). There's only one option: kill the fiancÚ (Double Indemnity)!
Flashback (Synesthesia). Jane's childhood in the suburbs. (American Beauty). Her two older sisters sexually abuse her over and over (Cinderella). She meets a kindly older man (Ghostworld) who teaches her that she's okay (Young Frankenstein). She heads for the big city (Singin' in the Rain).
Meanwhile (WATCHMEN), Jake grows up in that city (A Tree Grows in Brooklyn) and get involved in gangs (West Side Story). After accidentally killing someone (Let Him Have It), he hits the road briefly (Two-Lane Blacktop). He returns home (Luke) in a slight disguise (Phantom of the Opera). There he meets Jane (Tarzan in Manhattan).
Jane and Jake plan how they'll kill Jane's fiancÚ (Rififi). They know they should make it look like an accident (The Postman Always Rings Twice), but they can't come up with anything good (Winnie the Pooh and the Honey Tree). But wait - they'll make it look like a robbery (Columbo: Suitable for Framing)! Jake breaks into the fiancÚ's apartment (Rear Window), finds him, and kills him (Apocalypse Now). Jake and Jane are free and happy (Pennies From Heaven) until they're uncovered by a sneeze (The Taking of Pelham One Two Three) and are executed summarily (Dance With a Stranger).
A SENTENCE DROPPED FROM
LOG YOUR MODS
BECAUSE THE STORY QUICKLY STOPPED BEING LIKE THIS SENTENCE
"Jacquet wanted to see what she looked like, not at any particular time, mind you, but rather what she looked like at the times, which had to occur at times, when she was not aware of being watched; times such as that, he realized, must come, but to be
, to be
at those assorted times, would require constant access to her visage, all in an effort to see her when her guard was down; in other words, he vowed to marry her."
Future misery just $100. Pay now for tomorrow's tragedies. See grandparents, parents, go mad, die. Have friends die in car accidents, plenty of sadness available. Get married, have child, watch child leave, do drugs, be miserable, get drunk, ruin health. Pain to spare, share. Have spouse sleep with another, with several, discover by accident, torments. Sleep with co-worker, another to die before you, fifty-fifty, natch. Get old, no-one cares, kids see you slobber, plenty of laffs. Lose control of body, filth everywhere. Die in morphene stupor. Simply throw $100 in mailbox, wait for miseries to arrive. Act now.
Well, it had to happen some time. Everything biological has to come to an end, doesn't it?
I've completely lost interest in everything sexual. I haven't had sex in well over a year now. I thought it was temporary, but I was wrong. The pipes have just all dried up.
From my perspective, it seems like it was all just a silly waste of time. There was something downright distasteful in all that rutting. And that poetry! Bah!
I wish I could say something funny now, like, "I blame the internet," but I don't feel like being funny today, now.
I am waiting. I am waiting for the alarm clock to ring. I am waiting for the alarm.
There's the alarm clock going off: it's Method Man. I'm using my iPod as an alarm clock. (I wish I could shuffle further.) The iPod's gone off. It's 7:30.
I can hear that Mary's washing our venetian blinds in the bath tub. I listen to the song, because it's good. (The song is I'll Be There For You.)
Between 7:31 and 7:32 I realize it's not Mary washing the venetian blinds after all. Actually, it's the groundskeeper using a weedwacker out back.
WHY DO YOU RELY ON DREAMS SO OFTEN?
I believe there's not that much of a division between what you think when you're awake versus what you think when you're asleep.
WHY DO YOU CALL IT ALL 'STRIPS?'
It's because I think I'm a comic.
You're waiting for me to say something.
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE ACCOMPLISHING?
It's all for myself.
IS THERE ANY ORDER TO IT?
I'm inclined to mix it up. Truly I believe that God can appear in this stuff.
WHO AM i?
You're the voice that daily screams inside my head.
JAKE was returning a DVD to a shop. The shop, near a streetcar stop. (Pop!) An' there was standing there waiting for the streetcar a girl. She looked like a girl from work, girl called Suzanne. JAKE slipped the DVD into the DVD Shop's slot and went on his way, knowing it was too intimate to tell (if it was) Suzanne there was a better route, if you could stand Dufferin and Queen and its junkies, whores, and beggars.
Some time later, JAKE fell on his knees an' cried, 'What can I do, God? What do you want from me?"
A MONTH OF JUNES
1st: New girl at work.
2nd: Name of June.
3rd: Different today.
4th: Is she?
5th: She smiled.
6th: Lazy Saturday!
7th: Too much yesterday.
8th: Hello, June.
9th: In my head.
12th: Changed. Hostile.
13th: Saw on street.
14th: Back to street.
15th: Fast learner.
17th: Touched my arm.
18th: Free weekend???
19th: Offered bite.
20th: Not on street.
21st: Too much.
24th: Touched arm!
26th: Must ask!
28th: Not on street.
29th: Close quarters.
31st: Said yes!
I have invited a whole bunch of people over to my place for a party this weekend. I myself never get invited to parties, so for me to host one is unusual in itself. However, if no-one invites me to parties, why should I accept an invitation from myself?
Thus, I'm not going to go to the party at my place this weekend. I'll mope in the park or something, just like it was someone else's party and I wasn't invited. That would make it just like a real party!
Maybe I should call it off. No, too late. No.
TOTE MY HARP
Got a little harp, about six inches by three
I got a little harp, just about six inches by three
Tell me, my baby, will you carry it for me?
I'm from the north, hope it's 'kay I'm not from south
From the north, baby, hope you don't prefer south
Suck on my harp, baby, feels good to the mouth
Do you got a little purse, baby, where I can put my harp in?
I say, baby, got a purse, slip my harp in?
Don't hear your daddy call, you think he's free of sin?
On October 31st 2000, I was staying alone at my aunt's house in Maine. (My cousin was getting married the following day; my aunt was with her at a hotel.) It was a big house and grounds. The door rang a couple times--trick or treaters--but I ignored it. Then there was some ruckus out back: kids dressed like pirates. I went out. They
at me! I chased 'em out front and ran into their mother.
cute. "After you put your brats to bed," I asked, "whaddaya say coming back here for some fun?" "Sure," she said.
At the dinner table Dad asked my brother Paul, "So what did you learn today?"
Paul said, "In math we started something new, we started learning the times tables."
I thought, "Tables of clocks?"
"We started with the twos, and those're easy. A sinch. The threes are a bit more weird. You hafta memorize them."
I thought, "I know the difference between two o'clock and three o'clock."
"We're gonna do fours and fives on Thursday."
I knew then that there was something Paul knew that I didn't know. I didn't have the first clue.
And I still don't.
"Ah, come into my office."
"Thanks. I've always wanted to say what a nice office I have. Have I done something to it?"
"Did I pick it out?"
"Yes. So, Jim, I just wanted me here so I could tell it to myself straight."
"Oh? Is there something wrong?"
"Yes, Jim. I don't mind if I talk about me like this, do I?"
"I don't mind one bit, Jim."
"Good. So, the reason I've asked me in here is, actually, to tell me: I'm fired."
"Yes, I am."
"Why, I can't fire me! because I quit!"
"As Mahatma Gandhi said, 'Look before you leap.'"
"As General Custer said, 'It's not the man, it's the plan.'"
"As Charles de Gaulle said, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched.'"
"As Hitler said, 'A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.'"
"As Jesus Christ said, 'What?'"
"As Willie Nelson said, 'You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.'"
"As Queen Victoria her Imperial Majesty the Empress of India said, 'It's not what you got, it's what you do with it.'"
"As Richard Nixon said, 'We're havin' a sale!'"
"As Martin Luther King Jr. said, 'Who farted?'"
It's the end of the month. The month of September has rolled away, silently has September rolled away.
This September has been taken up by work. Four weeks, I can barely believe it, no absenteeism, no fake sick days. But I'm so close to getting fired. I fucked up royally today. I deleted things from the DTV system I shouldn't have.
Album of the month is
Geek the Girl
by Lisa Germano.
There's a pain near my heart, increases when my blood pressure leaps, like when I've been drunk four days running.
She's been dead for three months ago today.
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