06/01 Direct Link
This excitement is ridiculous at this point in time. Sure, there's the potential for a disappointment - I'm sure this single weekend can't reroute my life every year - but that potential is such a tiny sliver in the scheme of what tomorrow night will bring... It's completely irrelevant, really. I'm combining two worlds tomorrow. Two worlds that I love; two that need each other. He needs them and I know they will always welcome more. If we somehow survive this weekend, I will know that there's a chance for us to last. Maybe this friendships won't end with the changing seasons...
06/02 Direct Link
(20th) A part of me wants it to be August 19th so I can leave for college - pack up this life, head out to Pennsylvania, unpack with no past, and never come back to Missouri in any permanent manner. But the rest of me is regurgitating good advice, saying it won't do me any good to run away, and that I should embrace our time together rather than wish it away for no reason other than to avoid more pain via self-inflicted separation. I just don't want this to hurt so much - to affect me so much - anymore.
06/03 Direct Link
(20th) I hate that he has so much influence over my moods, and that I let another person in too close. I could manage the ones I had, but now...

I hate that this makes me think of last summer; I hate that I keep making that terrible comparison because the situations are completely different - and yet this feeling of losing and hurting has returned, just the same...

I hate how much thoughts of what we need to talk about flood my mind, blocking out the task at hand...

I hate that this will be taken as cliche teenager angst.
06/04 Direct Link
(20th) The worst part of all of this? How quickly it fell apart. A month ago I was ecstatic with each and every day. I was finishing the last days of high school and enjoying myself every other minute of the day. I had normal finals stress and nothing else to worry about.

Now, though, it just feels wrong. I feel detached from the world again - a feeling I thought I had finally expunged from my everyday life. I smile and I laugh and I say what's expected, but I don't feel it like I did in that recent past.
06/05 Direct Link
(20th) So much of this is probably caused by me.

I'm scared to death - I'll admit that. I don't want to lose him - I couldn't take losing him after all of this - and yet I feel myself slipping further and further down, waiting for the walls he destroyed to come back and protect who I really am.

But they won't. That part of me still knows (thinks, really) that this is a good situation for me. And so the walls remain stubbornly out of sight. Useless and disabled from their usual position.

And so I feel it all.
06/06 Direct Link
This feels wrong. We're detached from each other; this phantom pain is now filling my heart - replacing where he was just a few days ago. I don't know what was the cause of this. Too close for comfort? Definitely. But we have been all along and, somehow, we consistently sucked it up and got over our walls, our inhibitions, and our fears. Now, though, we're like strangers that just happen to know each others pain and secrets. We're each under the other's mask and maybe that's it... He's inside of me now. Maybe that's why this hurts so fucking much.
06/07 Direct Link

30th Anticipation floods through me now, fulfilling hopes of hurdling over those last spaces I ensured remained between us. The fear is still present, of course. Always.But this is how it felt then; this is how it felt before everything perfect fell to pieces. And the potential, the high likelihood, of that happening again that freezes my hands, terrifies my mind, and forces a shiver through my being. You ask for the truth and so I obey, knowing its fruitless to avoid, but also aware that the odds of us continuing on this path are unbelievably unlikely.

06/08 Direct Link
I read my other entries, unable to keep from smiling as the optimism and happiness float across my mind's eye, but also unable to keep my heart from stumbling, like it skipped a step going down the stairs, because of how we are now. There was a glimmer of hope for a moment - but it was quickly overshadowed by short, one word answers and forced interest. It feels so unbelievably wrong to act like this with him. I've faked it enough. I thought he was different; I though we could be different. But it's merely last summer all over again...
06/09 Direct Link
Nothing can do more internal damage than the knowledge that the one you've allowed in - the one you've opened up for time and time again - doesn't want you around anymore. We've gone from thisclose to take it or leave it... and it's clear he's moved on from what was supposed to last. His choice only serves to prove my defeatist attitude that has been challenged repeatedly. For once, though, I wish I were wrong. For once, I want someone else to take control and guide my heart back to that momentary world where safety and happiness thrive... But I'm right.
06/10 Direct Link
It's so strange to feel okay now. After a week of unknowns and silence, I can smile when I think about him. Yes, my stomach still twists into painful knots when I recall the darkness that penetrated my now-broken walls in his absence, but it has become bearable; so long as he remains in tooclose, it is all bearable. Those walls are down and I did manage to tell him that, but there is still that stubborn chunk of me, though, that wants to keep him out of the loop in payback for the thoughts he made me consider.
06/11 Direct Link
I turn 19 tomorrow... I still haven't fully realized that I'm 18 - never purchased a cigar or even a lottery ticket - and now I'm suddenly an entire year older. The best part? This means I can legally drink in just two years; two college years that will fly by. But right now, I'm simply with family, three generations under the same roof, enjoying each other's company until the morning brings a roadtrip to Oklahoma that will end with gambling alongside the Indians. It still doesn't feel like My Day, but that will hopefully change for tomorrow. I love my family.
06/12 Direct Link
I'm older than Garrett know - blatantly and obviously older. It's been true for months, but no one but mom, dad, and I noticed. Now, though, everyone can realize it: Madison is older than Garrett. I've reached an age he never got the chance to, and that hurts like hell. But spending today with family in the Indian casinos... he would have loved that. It ended up a successful trip, to say the least, but the happiness that ensued was worth any price. Out of the ordinary, yes, and beautifully different from my usual birthdays, today was truly an amazing day.
06/13 Direct Link

30th I made a childish mistake that night; a mistake I knew better than to commit. And yet I did so out of fear of pain. I felt that twinge and I played it safe, something Ive never done in that particular setting sure, it could have ended badly if Id given in to my instincts, but now that fear is present, which will make tonight even harder. This brings me unbelievable happiness, despite my mistakes and stumbles; this brings me simplistic beauty. But that twinge? Its nearing permanence now, scaring the hell out of this once-fearless girl.

06/14 Direct Link

30th - Falling is so much harder when you know they wont be standing to catch you and yet it happens every fucking day. I knew better; I knew better than to feel something. But here you are, frozen at a crossroads while I steadily march away from you, not allowing even the smallest glance backwards. I will not let you hurt me anymore. I will not let myself feel this. You can keep whatever laughs and memories you want, but leave me alone with my pain and my walls.Theres no one to blame for this but myself.

06/15 Direct Link

30th - It hurts to hear him say he doesnt want me something I was already well aware of but what hurts more is how I put myself on the line and allowed the truth to permeate our relationship, and how I ended up alone, my walls firmly in place and my heart hardening instinctively for the future. So yes, the truth scares me. And yes, honesty means more to me than most know. But handing uninhibited truths to others with the intention of bettering my situation? Thats unbelievably rare for me. And this, right here, is exactly why.

06/16 Direct Link
Last summer was perfect until it ended and those changes came. Truthfully? We were perfect, Taylor and I. But then fall arrived and we fell apart due to his distance and my walls. I'm still stuck there, though, between complete and unbelievable happiness and that torture my heart went through as we fell, slowly but surely, into nonexistence. I need to get over this, I know, but it's a part of me. It affected a huge portion of last year and is already an influence on this summer. I just want to stop thinking and for it to stop hurting.
06/17 Direct Link
7/1 - This is a good place. Laughter stains the plain white walls, only ever interrupted by a moment of hard work and a smiling picture or two. The window keeps even my closed off area open for viewing, encouraging connections and reassuring (even me) that we can grow closer here. Questions are consistently appreciated - they like to know we're interested, listening, and intrigued.

For the first time in a long time, I can laugh around them and truly feel happy; I can lose myself in moments of mulch and paint and good company. This couldn't have worked out better.
06/18 Direct Link
7/1 - An act of trust just occurred. One I have, truly, never committed before today. Reassuring for the other, I'm sure, but somehow reassuring for me as well.

This has taken the place of my journal, allowing a sense of accomplishment to come after only 100 are printed - proving that pages and pages of The Same aren't necessary to sort through it all. If anything, this makes it simpler; it breaks down that imagined necessity to fill space with word after word for the sake of looks and presence.This creates a chance for acts of trust.

Access granted.
06/19 Direct Link
7/2 - Even surrounded by those who know me, and are used to seeing me wide open, I felt nothing last night. When I laughed, I meant it. When I rolled my eyes, or made a face, or any other gesture - it was for their benefits. Sadly, many fell for it, but we were more wrapped up in the childish game than in the emotions that I kept away.

My walls are back; they're solid and they now know what happens if ever they fall again. Strong. Unyielding. Impossible. Now, any attempt at truth turns to mirthless laughter and avoidance.
06/20 Direct Link
I feel better overall after talking with Matt about all of this yesterday. I have at least some sort of handle on my thoughts now. But there's still so much that needs to be said; there's still so much that Ryan and I have to talk about with one another and no one else. I dread the actual conversation, yes, because covering all of this will hurt me... so much. This discomfort and confusion will be lifted off of me upon the talk's completion, though, so I don't want to continue avoiding it forever. I just need to survive it.
06/21 Direct Link
7/2 - If we don't cover this topic before I leave for a week, I truly believe even he'll be prepared for the ending that August will bring. I'm scared to lose contact and, according to others, he is as well - but even that isn't enough confirmation for someone like me.

I expect endings. I can handle endings - abrupt or gradual. But long term relationships with someone who knows my secrets? It's too much for me to handle; it's too new for me to understand.

I don't want this beautiful trip to end some of the best parts of my current situation.
06/22 Direct Link

7/3 Even this interrogation does nothing to dislodge the steel I am now surrounded by. Physical and emotional numbness floods my system, making truth and my previous preference for openness seem like impossible dreams of others that came before me of others that lived in simpler times.

I feel as though I keep repeating myself during my responses to his ever-flowing inquiries, but it has all been the truth tonight. I have been telling him the truth and he has hated and disagreed with nearly every bit of it.

Lets make this simpler: I will leave before I am left.

06/23 Direct Link
7/4 - I asked for this.I asked for my defenses to be ripped to shreds for the sake of a single entry. I asked for his words to tear apart the defenses that kept me hidden from the world that shows no mercy.I asked for the chance to feel something.

I can only wish I had asked for it sooner. Then today could have meant something more. The fireworks at the cemetery would have made me cry, and the fact that he's still not here to celebrate would have brought me crashing to my knees.
06/24 Direct Link
7/4 - The necessity for more tears weighs heavy on me. It would prove that I'm slowly returning to who I hoped to remain - that girl with an open heart and a mind willing to feel agony for even a fleeting moment of Better.

And here they come. The lyrics, combined with his words and the pressure that has been laid upon me, prompt them to flood and then flow. I guess this proves I can still feel - against my better judgment.

"I'm strong on the surface, not all the way through. I've never been perfect, but neither have you."
06/25 Direct Link
He wants us to fight. He says I have to fight him back. And so I'll fight; I have more than enough pent-up anger to combat whatever he has to say. But I don't want to fight because that proves love... AndI don't want anyone to know I need them.

And so I'll hide it all. I'll never hear those words again. I'll fight because he needs me to show some emotion, and I'll fight because these walls have already hurt my endeavors and my dreams, and I'll fight for the future I know we can never have.
06/26 Direct Link
7/5 - This particular promise doesn't reek of instability and malice. Instead, it speaks softly but powerfully, always holding onto the strength necessary to withstand any situation. Any situation that can be constructed by my unspoken words and my want for the stupidity that is safety - this can survive all of that.

Lasting now seems like a tangible reality; the potential for Forever can consider existing in my mind. Questions and unsure thoughts will soon follow (I know that much about my own mind) but this accomplished feeling will permeate those doubts, tearing them into pieces - just where they should remain.
06/27 Direct Link
(28th) Nothing lasts. Everything falls by the wayside, taking with it my happiness and hope. A long term future with someone, loved or not, is nothing more than a distant dream, instilled in us all by the big screen and novels. And this isn't only true for all romantic relationships - it's true for all friends as well. Because we change and they never change with us; they never accept us again, instead choosing to fake it for our sake when we would much rather have the truth and end it ourselves instead of falling slowly into a lonely oblivion.
06/28 Direct Link
I read back and realize I promised myself I would hide things from him. The one individual I've been able to reveal truth to in-person with little to no fear, I'm planning on hiding emotions to make him happy.

And he'll know; I know he will. He always does. But, truthfully, I'm not terribly tempted to try something else.So the plan remains the same: distance myself as much as I can so the move to Pennsylvania hurts as little as possible.

I'll do what will make him happy before I go - he's less invested in this, anyways.
06/29 Direct Link

Im scared for his reaction to all of this, concerned that this unedited truth will drive another wall between us, but Im also ecstatic that my emotions are out in the open. I cried when I read those posts earlier today, but now? The lying has ceased for the moment so I am safe and he is safe and there is still a we. But once I read his posts and see how he truly feels about what he read, as opposed to the edited version Im sure to receive that ecstasy is sure to fall away.

06/30 Direct Link

Tanner and I could never work. Were too similar in some ways and too different in others; besides, Im leaving in less than two months. Yes, Im aware that a time frame isnt a hopeful situation, but its the one I find myself in and its the one I must learn to accept and embrace as reality.But I still catch myself wanting his hug or craving his laugh, and Im forced to condemn and reject those feelings. There is no place for commitment here; no place for ties to this city.