30th – Anticipation floods through me now, fulfilling hopes of hurdling over those last spaces I ensured remained
between us. The fear is still present, of course. Always. But this is how
it felt then; this is how it felt before everything perfect fell to pieces. And
the potential, the high likelihood, of that happening again… that freezes my
hands, terrifies my mind, and forces a shiver through my being. You ask for the
truth and so I obey, knowing it’s fruitless to avoid, but also aware that the
odds of us continuing on this path are unbelievably unlikely.
30th – I made a childish mistake that night; a
mistake I knew better than to commit. And yet I did so out of fear of pain. I
felt that twinge and I played it safe, something I’ve never done in that
particular setting – sure, it could have ended badly if I’d given in to my
instincts, but now that fear is present, which will make tonight even harder.
This brings me unbelievable happiness, despite my mistakes and stumbles; this
brings me simplistic beauty.
But that twinge? It’s nearing permanence now, scaring the hell out of
this once-fearless girl.
30th - Falling is so much harder when you know they won’t be
standing to catch you – and yet it happens every fucking
day. I knew better; I knew better than to feel something. But here you are,
frozen at a crossroads while I steadily march away from you, not allowing even
the smallest glance backwards. I will not let you hurt me anymore. I will not
let myself feel this. You can keep whatever laughs and memories you want, but
leave me alone with my pain and my walls. There’s no one to blame for this but
30th - It hurts to hear him say he doesn’t want me – something I
was already well aware of – but what hurts more is how I put myself on the
line and allowed the truth to permeate our relationship, and how I ended up
alone, my walls firmly in place and my heart hardening instinctively for the
future. So yes, the truth scares me. And yes, honesty means more to me
than most know. But handing uninhibited truths to others with the intention of
bettering my situation? That’s unbelievably rare for me. And this, right here,
is exactly why.
7/3 – Even this interrogation does nothing to dislodge the
steel I am now surrounded by. Physical and emotional numbness floods my system,
making truth and my previous preference for openness seem like impossible
dreams of others that came before me – of others that lived in simpler times.
I feel as though I keep repeating myself during my responses
to his ever-flowing inquiries, but it has all been the truth tonight. I have
been telling him the truth and he has hated and disagreed with nearly every bit
Let’s make this simpler: I will leave before I am left.
I’m scared for his reaction to all of this, concerned that this unedited truth will drive another wall between us, but
I’m also ecstatic that my emotions are out in the open. I cried
when I read those posts earlier today, but now? The lying has ceased – for the
moment – so I am safe and he is safe and there is still a “we.” But once I read
his posts – and see how he truly feels about what he read, as opposed to the
edited version I’m sure to receive – that ecstasy is sure to fall away.
Tanner and I could never work. We’re too
similar in some ways and too different in others; besides, I’m leaving in less
than two months. Yes, I’m aware that a time frame isn’t a hopeful
situation, but it’s the one I find myself in and it’s the one I must learn to accept and embrace as reality. But I still catch myself wanting his hug or craving his laugh, and I’m forced to condemn and reject those feelings. There is no place
for commitment here; no place for ties to this city.