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I didn't go to work today. There was no good reason for it. I just didn't want to sit there for four hours looking like a post card. That's what Raoul says it would be like to open our own shop. He's not going to sit there looking like a post card just waiting to be held up. Isn't that a lovely thought? No wonder he loves the murder TV! I never said "Rabbit, rabbit" the entire day. I wonder if that will make this month unlucky. I haven't said it in decades. Who am I fooling? It's a shonda.
It's only days until the Fourth of July and I'm not feeling it. I wonder when I lost all affection for this holiday. I used to feel wonderful about it, but I think sometime around the time I had the broken knee and everyone left for fireworks and I had to stay in bed, all crippled, may have been the turning point. I like the fireworks part of the holiday but that seems to be the most important thing. That and the barbecue. I wonder what we'll char on the grill this year. I'm in the mood for grilled tofu!
I woke up with a puffy eye so I didn't go to work. I don't get paid for the holiday tomorrow because I'm only part time and I have absolutely no company benefits with my paycheck. I'm making a flat amount of money and it's leaving me flat. I don't want to do it anymore and I'm demotivated. I was never motivated. Okay, maybe for five minutes a year ago but then I found out they didn't want to hire me after eight months of volunteering. That they called me back a year later was like jumping into a jumble.
Don't wait for awesome. It's sitting right in front of you. Whether you're sitting waiting for someone to die or you're sitting after they die, you have to ask yourself, "What the hell are we doing?" Life is for the living. That's what Mother told me. When I was moping around after my wife died, Mom told me to get out and do something. Of course that led to meeting the mother of My Son. So, in a way, she was right. But it's hard when you're in the moment. Just gotta put one leg in front of the other.
We sat together. I remembered the old days when we would sit together and drink coffee with friends. But today was different. Today I fed her as much as she would eat. I'm so glad that we discovered the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. If it weren't for that, I don't think she would be getting enough to eat. She won't eat meat. She won't eat vegetables. She loathes the soup. And she won't eat the canned fruit. Thank goodness for ice cream. It's sad for me to go there and feed her but I do it every single Saturday.
It's not easy being on death watch. And it's a lot more difficult when the person making the decisions is in denial. Melinda is dealing with her Aunt Ruth's demise. It's a very sad situation for everyone. I wish her a lot of strength because we've been there before and there's nothing easy about any part of it. I keep touching the old lady because I remember what someone said that when they're gone you can't touch them anymore. It's so sad, but I learned from my spiritual advisor Rae that death shouldn't be sad. It's totally just like birth.
I wanted to cut today but I sucked it up and went to the office. What a horrendous day. I'm so over this job that I just want to walk out. The pay is ridiculous and the rewards are minimal. Since I'm working part time I'm not getting any of the company benefits. I need to renegotiate my working conditions. I don't like what the job is and I need to talk about making it more of what I want. I think I have a future but I could just as easily be out the door at a moment's notice.
Another miserable day at the office. I need to just give them notice that I'm going to quit. I am way too focused on not having that job. It's officially worn me down in just two months. I'm not cut out for that bureaucratic nonsense. It just didn't make sense. The wheel spinning. The buck passing. It was totally yucky. I'm glad it's over. Oh wait. I'm not out of there yet. I haven't actually quit. Only in my mind. I'll be out of there sooner rather than later. I have a life. Stay classy, dude. That's the ticket, meng.
I didn't go to work today because I went to visit Ruth. Going to see that little old lady made me so sad that I came home and took a four hour nap. I didn't want to accept it. It's hard to believe that little old lady is checking out. She's just more actively doing it than the rest of us. We're all terminally ill. That's a fact of life. Some are more terminal than others. I sometimes wonder how much longer until my expiration date. Why can't we know? I think it would make a big difference. Right on.
I didn't go to work again today. I did go visit Ruth and it was a very unpleasant experience because I realized it would probably be my last visit with her. It's not easy to visit a woman who is so visibly uncomfortable just being alive. It's sad to realize that she is finally ready to die. She was so afraid of death for so many years and now she has accepted it and it won't come. What a fucker, that death thing. It's different for everyone and it always teaches us something about life. Why is life so difficult?
Three days in a row, or as Raoul would say it, "Three days on the road." I also liked it when he would order a round of drinks in the bar and he would tell the waiter, "Another round trip." Linda and I were laughing it up tonight over his use of the word hospice. The way he pronounced it was hysterical. The worst part is that no matter how many times you correct him, he continues to use the wrong word. That's my Raoul. After all these years, I'm used to his way of speaking. None of it phases me.
It's Saturday, but just barely. It's 4:30 in the morning. This day is only four and a half hours old. I'm sitting wide awake tapping out words on my trusty laptop. I ate dinner some seven hours ago and I'm still having heartburn. It's from those freaking salamis. I know it. Those things are dangerous for old people! I guess they're so spicy. I don't think of them that way, but they must be. Or it's just that the spices they use don't work with my system. Plus I ate lots of gluten - challah bread and after dinner cookies.
Pizza day number two. Scott and I went to meet his brother at the Villa Rosa pizza place in Hollywood. That's been there since 1957. It was good. It was thin crust and it was greek style. As soon as we left, Scott said we should compare Frankie's Pizza in Miami so we went there today with Isora. Raoul was at home with Melinda sitting shiva. We were having a pizza party. We brought home a lot of pizza and then we were having spaghetti and meatballs. Scott and I even had a couple of slices of pizza with meatballs!
I'm totally awfulizing about today. It's now about 5:30 in the morning and I've been awake for about an hour. I've been reading crap on the Internet and I already wrote today's 750 words. As soon as I'm done with this 100 word exercise, I'm going to back to bed and hopefully I'll be able to get a little bit of sleep before I head out the door to the 9 to 5 place. Except that I'm only working 9 to 1. I love that part time thing. I hate the small paychecks. I wonder why I'm doing this.
I just did the one word dot com challenge and today's word was "frazzled." It's a word for mental people like me so it's no wonder that I was able to churn out a bunch of words in no time. Well, actually one minute because that's all you get over there. Here, there's no time limit at all! I love this place. I write at least 851 words a day. That's pretty amazing. First, 750 words dot com is adamant about those words being done every single day. This site is here waiting for 100 words but you get forever!
Happy hump day. One of those days where I pretty much know what's going to happen. I have a horrible meeting at work. I get off work and take His Royal Smallness to his volunteer work and I sit at Starbucks and swill coffee for a couple of hours. Then we come back home and I prepare something for dinner and then we go to bed. Oh my, when it's stated like that it sounds rather dreadful. It's a good thing I infuse everything I do with joy. Life is a job. It's not easy. But you gotta do it.
It's Thursday. What a strange day, eh? It's not the middle of the week and it's not yet Friday. No wonder "they" have started calling it "almost Friday." I'm going to work and just sit there and go through the motions. I'm not thrilled but it's better than sitting home for a few hours just letting the time pass by. I have to ask for a raise. What else do I have to do? I have to take a dump. Isn't that charming information? They're talking about leaving children in hot cars on the Today Show. It's a lovely subject.
I just read something about a six word story. Well, that's not a story. That's a statement. I wonder if 100 words is enough to tell a story. Of course it is. Once upon a time, there was this guy who tried to tell a story in 100 words. No more, no less. Exactly 100 words. Well, that's a challenge, he thought to himself. He thought, self, you can do this. And he's been doing it for years already. What once were habits have become vices. Or is it the other way around? Whatever. This is today's story. Liked it?
It was a day, that's for sure. What a day that was. Today was a day that was. That was the day that was. Today was a good day. Today is a good day to die. There are still 15 more minutes left today. That's right. It's only 2345. So what? That's the big deal. It's not a big deal. It's no big deal. I am successful. So what? That's not the big deal. What's the big deal? It's been a good day. Every day that's vertical above the ground is a good day. I wasn't horizontal below the ground.
I've looked at clouds from both sides now, from up and down, and still, somehow, it's cloud illusions I recall. I really don't know clouds at all. When I first saw clouds on the top side, I was mesmerized. It was so amazing to see a layer of clouds just hovering there. What was holding them in place? I couldn't stop staring at them. Even now when I fly, I find myself just staring at the clouds. They're hypnotic. What's the point of writing about clouds? I'm in a cloudy mood. Feeling rather hazy. Life goes on, but it's difficult.
Today I decided not to hate on my job anymore. I need to make it a real job. I need to feel it. I go in there and I only have four hours. I need to make it a real place. I need to make it a fun time. Four hours is nothing. I'm enjoying myself. I don't need to tell myself that I'm miserable. I just need to get through the day. I have a lot to do and I'm going to do it. I just know that it's going to be all right. If I make it there!
It's 2:30 a.m. That means that it's truly the middle of the night. I decided to write about the day ahead. I am going to go to work and I'm going to like it. Should I walk for a little while this morning? I should just get off my fat ass and walk for at least half an hour. An hour would be great. Let's see how late I sleep after having stayed up in the middle of the night for a couple of hours. But I think I fell asleep early. It's going to be fun, yeah!
I feel sort of deceitful right now. I am at work and typing into my 100 words dot com. It's a social tasking website and instead of doing the work I'm being paid to do, I'm sitting here tapping words into my computer. I have to remember to close the site and delete the history. I feel sort of paranoid. I'm in a mood but that's okay. If I have to deal with one more idiot, I'm going to scream. That's what my job is - to deal with idiots all day. It's such a joy to deal with angry bureaucrats.
The days, they fly. I can't believe that another month is coming to an end. I guess this is what they mean when they say that time flies even quicker as you get older. I'm about to start collecting Social Security and all I can think is, "How did that happen?" I don't feel like I'm turning 62, but that's what the calendar says. It's the march of time. It goes on and on. I just sit and marvel at its passage. I have to get back to work already and stop fooling around on this social tasking website. Ok!
Yay for Friday. I didn't go to work yesterday and today I sit here and type into 100 words dot com instead of doing the mundane work I'm paid to do. I don't want to work. I want to bang on the drum all day. I'm supposed to be taking training classes, but I don't even want to do that. I spend all my time looking at crap on the Internet. I should at least be looking for a decent job if I hate this one so much. Oh well, another day, another dollar. Or, in this case, more nothing.
Candy was here and went with me to Helen. It took a lot longer to get her ready so I was happy that someone opened the door to the activity room so we could visit with the kitty who is a spitting image of my little old lady kitty. That cat sat in my sister's lap and purred like there was no tomorrow. I was typing here before and it wasn't counting the words. What the hell was that about? So I came back and pasted in the words I already typed and the counter worked. There is a Gd.
Today was the last day of my sister's visit. We didn't spend much time together during the day, but we ended the day having a birthday dinner for Raoul. That was fun. Lady D joined us as well as Danee and her girls. It was extra fun because the restaurant gave us a private room and it was like we were having a private dining experience at a burger place. Well, these weren't your ordinary burgers. When a hamburger costs more than $10, that means you're in a fancy restaurant. Isn't that a hoot in a holler. Go figure. Yeah.
I went work today filled with exuberance and cheer. That lasted all of five minutes until I started to receive phone calls and read the e-mails. This job is a suck. That's all there is to it. I can try all I want to be positive but this job will continue to suck the life from me. I don't know how much longer I can go there, but I will do it as I can. I left about 15 minutes early which is becoming my new method of operation. I know that a new CEO will arrive shortly. Hm.
I couldn't go to work. I wouldn't end up doing much of anything. I just laid around the house and smoked way too much pot. I never even left the house. I didn't realize that fact until I went to bed later and then suddenly I realized that I hadn't left the house all day. What a shut in. I was in a totally funky mood so it's probably better for the entire world that I stayed in and did nothing. I was going to pay bills but I didn't even do that. I did take a good long nap!
I was thinking that today is the last day of the month but I realized that there's one more day. And then we get to my favorite month of the year. My birthday month in which I get to celebrate the day of my birth on the last day of the month. It's going to be a scorcher of a month. I know that by how hot it's already been for July. I used to think that August was the hottest month but now I think it's actually September. And then October, you'd think it would start to cool off.
End of the month. Yay. Another one bites the dust. That's a good one. I liked that. I see what you did there. Oh no, you di'n't! That's a new one. There goes another one. Whoopsie. This is so profound. N'est-ce pas? Yes, that's the ticket. I'm ready for my close up. Can you believe that this is so ridiculous. Will people read this 100 years from now and wonder, "Is this what people did for entertainment in the era of digital enlightenment?" That's a hoot in a holler. Go figure. Go know. And get out from this city.
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