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I guess having April Fool's Day fall on a Sunday takes away part of the joy because the only people available to play jokes on are one's close family and friends and it's hard to find suitable jokes that aren't offensive or taken wrongly and besides it just seems that the office is set up for jokes rather than at home or with friends because the joke takes consideration and there's never really time for that because one is always thinking about what's next on the agenda whereas at work there's time to think about what's coming up to do.
There's something so special about not working on a Monday. All day felt like a Saturday to me. I was in such a mood that I ended up doing mostly the same things that I normally do on a Saturday, nap included. It was a rather leisurely day except that I did start chipping away at the mountain of stuff that has accumulated. I decided that today I would tackle piles of paper so I was a shredding maniac for a couple of hours. I have already noticed a significant dent in the pile. Tomorrow, I'll continue with the paper.
Went to lunch with a friend today and then came home with a food coma and slept for three hours. When I woke up I was just as full as when I passed out. My friend told me later that her blood pressure had shot up from all the food. I think that was my wake up call that it's time to monitor the food intake and start working on moving this big lumbering body. When I find myself lying in bed thinking about ordering food for delivery at 10:30 at night I know I'm in trouble big time.
I'm not following through on my project. I started out with great expectations and then I hit a wall. I need to just start again and pick away at this pile o'stuff. I just want to take a little nap and think about it later, but in the meantime I need to consolidate and organize. It's gone far too long. I have shredded an incredible amount of paper and I have organized a little bit, but there's a whole lot more to do. I'm going to take it one day at a time and not beat myself for going slowly.
What a wild weird wacky day! I managed to do mostly nothing, but toward the end of the day, His Royal Smallness did something horrendous to his cellular phone necessitating a two-hour trip to the cell phone store to buy a new one transfer my old one sign a lot of papers that say we'll pay money to those shysters for another two years and pray that the technology doesn't leapfrog ahead. Meanwhile, there are still hours more work that needs to be done to both phones to make them truly the smart phones they can be. That's life.
As I sit here tippy tapping into my trusty MacBook Pro 17, my sister and Scott, her husband, are driving from their home upstate. They're coming for Passover with her son's family. We'll be over there tonight and tomorrow night. Tomorrow night, Scott's sister and niece arrive and they'll join us for second night Seder. I'm not sure what happens when the first Seder falls on Shabbat. I guess we're in for a real treat! And then tomorrow, who knows what will happen and Sunday I'm scheduled for a coffee meeting at Starbucks. They don't know that yet. We'll see.
Today, I went through the motions of my usual Saturday routine except that my sister was accompanying me. It was a surreal experience and I rather floated through the day. I was glad Sis and Hubby were only here for two nights and that both of those nights were Passover nights at someone else's house. So, I only had to entertain for one day. Well, I decided that I was going to made that entertainment a participation in my routine rather than doing something out of the ordinary. So, we visited Helly, went to Costo, napped and had Passover afterward.
I let myself get offended too easily. As Dr. Wayne Dyer likes to say, people are always looking for a reason to be offended. Sometimes you don't even have to look for a reason because other people's actions can be quite hurtful. I was upset this morning because I thought that my house guests were going to spend a few minutes with me but they decided it was more important to get back on the road than spend some extra time with me (after hosting them at my house). I got over it, but I couldn't help but be upset.
I made a resolution way back at the beginning of 2012 that I was going to eat better for the year. I've never come even close! I'm sitting here with heartburn, again, and thinking, I've really got to get with it on that resolution! I'm tired of feeling like shite because I've been eating shite. I smoked one million cigarettes during Passover when my sister was here and I'm still feeling lethargic for that. I need to rededicate myself to making myself better. I'm in the mood and I deserve it. This is my declaration to eat better going forward.
Awake in the middle of the night. Is it too late to take a pill? Why did I get up and turn on the laptop? If I had just lay there I probably would have fallen back to sleep. How do you quiet a restless mind? The body has already gotten its needed rest, but the mind needs many more hours to recuperate. So why am I sitting here tippy tapping into my trusty MacBook Pro? Because I got up and opened the laptop and started reading emails and journals and blogs and cetera. Half a pill should do it.
Today was the last day of a 10-day reprieve from the factory. I didn't think about that place except for the times when I sneaked on to the computer and logged in to check e-mail. I even answered a couple of 'em while I was gone. But today, I'm already thinking (awfulizing) about going back. The fact that I'm having such a visceral reaction tells me that it's not a good thing. I'm just running in place and dancing as fast as I can. This is just ridiculous! I need to shite or get off the pot already!
I owe. I owe. It's off to work I go. I actually arrived right on time today. As soon as I sat at my desk, I wondered what the hell I was doing there! I wanted to just get up and get back in the car and drive back home. Sitting at that desk today earned me about $200. I have to ask myself, "How would I earn $200 otherwise?" I keep telling myself the answer is to open my own business. I could possibly even earn more than just $200 a day. So why do I procrastinate? Hard decision.
OMG, it's Friday the 13th. I used to be more weird than usual on these days. Now I just find it's a fascinating thing to behold. I wonder what bad luck shall befall me today. Luck is a lady? I'm feeling lucky. Are you, punk? Where is this going? I need to find a ladder so I can walk under it. Where's that black cat? Please walk across my path. Maybe I'll go to the dollar store today and buy a cheap mirror and then break it! Oh, how I love to tempt fate. It's time for a reality check.
I moved the tax returns just a notch closer to being finished. Today was pretty routine. The only difference was that I had to drive directly to Costco to fill the car with gas because the low fuel light had come on the day before and I was getting nervous that it was getting too low. It actually cost $79 to fill the car. Wow. I was going to play 7900 on Play 4 but I didn't. I visited Helen, back to Costco, home for a nap and later to the art walk with Scott. It was a good day.
Started the day at the ghetto farmer's market, came home, made breakfast and ate with Scott and Isora. I made apple pancakes, scrambled eggs with thyme and turkey sausage. We drank orange juice. Afterward, Raoul and I went to the Miami Beach Gay Pride Parade. Maybe next year, we'll ride in the legacy float. My goodness, we'll be able to say we've been together almost 35 years. We came home and I filed our income tax returns. I'm glad that's over. I don't know why I always wait until the last minute. Maybe next year I can be timely. Harrumph.
Mean and hateful. Angry, tired and grumpy. I'm all those negative things. Awfulizing over every little thing. Nothing is good. Everything is useless. It's all too beautiful. I've had the time of my life. I enjoy simple joys. What's it all about, Alfie? Is it all about lather, rinse and repeat? I hope not. But that sure is what it feels like. What a trip long strange it's been. I wish I could do it all over. But, I've made it this far. Now what? Just keep going. One day at a time. Tomorrow is another day, isn't it Scarlett?
Lather, rinse, repeat. Sometimes that's what it seems like. I get up in the morning, shave and shower and slug down a cup of coffee and head out the door for my half hour commute to the factory. I sit at the factory for eight hours making beautiful things for folks who barely appreciate it and then I come home to dinner and vegging in front of the television. This is not living. I need something to break out of this horrid routine. I try to make myself do new things but the joy isn't there. I need my bliss.
Humpty, hump, hump, hump. It's just another day. Once again, I'm in the lather, rinse, repeat routine. It's time for something new. Am I the one who will create that something or will it fall in my lap? I know I have talent and I am ready to share it with the world. But how and where and when? I feel like I'm treading water these days. You know, letting the days go by, etc.? Soon it will be Christmas Day! I know it's only April; the year will soon fly and before you know it we'll be saying 2013.
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. One hundred words is not very much. As a matter of fact, I can sit here and just think for a second and start typing and before I know it, I have cranked out 100 words. It's a good exercise because I've been using it for some serious self-introspection. I just wish I could move those thoughts to the next level - action! I just go through the motions all the time wondering, "Is that all there is?" I miss the good old days of last week. Tomorrow is another day. Try again.
I knew it was coming but I was hoping it wouldn't happen. I got notice today that my contract would not be renewed, so I join the ranks of the unemployed at the end of June. It's not very comforting in these uncertain times, but it provides me with a good swift kick to get back on the horse and stop effing off. I went through the range of emotions pretty quickly, sadness, anger, thoughts of doing bad things, but I also quickly realized that none of those feelings were going to help me get through this so I'm stoic.
It's strange to analyze routines. They are routine because that's truly comforting. Why do we have routines? Every Saturday for years, I've been visiting Helen in the nursing home. The last year has been really difficult because the communication is mostly gone. I do love asking a sour-faced old lady, "Do you want an Oreo?" and watching her face light up! Who knew a cookie could mean so much? So, I visit on Saturday, talk a little, share a lunch time and that's it. Then I'm off to Costco and the rest of the day is a wild card.
As the month comes to a close, the days begin to blur. Life is changed in ever so subtle ways. But the beat goes on. The pace slows and the seasons change. Soon it will be blazing hot and we'll run for our air conditioned comfort. Now, there's nothing but flowers. It's too hot down here to grow much in the summer time. Brutal, it is. The heat is unrelenting. Just writing this is making me hot. Why am I already obsessing about summer heat and it isn't even May? Time for a nice tall cool beverage on ice quickly.
I think people are think primarily because of genetics. Those who aren't genetically blessed with the thin countenance must endure the pains of hunger. I believe that some folks actually get to a place where that is an enjoyable sensation. I, on the other hand, am happy to walk around perpetually bloated and full. If I eat a small meal of chicken, I become a gas bubble. Onions and milk products tend to make me blow up too. I must learn to love the pangs of hunger. I want to make a vow to eat only whole foods for awhile.
35 years ago, our bundle of love came into this world. It's hard to believe that many decades have passed. I'm starting to think like an old person, and soon I will have completed my sixth decade, so I am bona fide mature. Just telling people that I have a 35-year-old son makes them look at me kinda sideways and wondering if I'm related to Dick Clark. Yes, I have the perpetual look of someone much younger. I feel it has to do with outlook. I learned so long ago the best motto is "Don't Worry Be Happy!"
The end of April has been an odd time for me for many many years. Long long ago in another life, I experienced a great tragedy on April 27, but also a great blessing a few years later on April 24. Since it's typically around Easter and Passover, it's also filled with all sorts of religious imagery. I like springing into summer. I can feel the change a-coming. Even though today is starting off cooler than usual, the warm and hot weather are soon coming. May is a cruel month in Florida. I'm prepared. Weather can't keep me down!
I'm so stuck. Even though I've been set free, I'm still stuck. You'd think I'd be jumping for joy but instead I just dread everything. It's obvious what I must do, but I don't want to do anything. I just want to sleep. This, my friend, is a classic symptom of depression. Why did I ever stop taking anti-depressants? I'm a good American. I should be in debt up to my ears and chewing anti-depressants on a regular basis. I'm too normal and that brings me down. I need some excitement. I must create my own excitement today.
April 27, 1974. The day the music died. Regina Ann Ehling. My darling, my hamburger. She was my childhood sweetheart and she died only days before her 22nd birthday. It was leukemia. Back in the '70s, the cancer scare was truly scary. Chemotherapy was brand new and sometimes did more harm than good. In Regina's case, I'm a firm believer that the chemotherapy was wrong and she died as a result. I'll never get over it. Almost 40 years later and it seems like last year to me. Why did that pain never truly heal? It still hurts very bad.
Had a grueling board meeting this morning that wasn't as bad as I had awfulized it. The worst part was paying $7.50 for parking after an $8 parking day yesterday for the doctor. Now, where did I put those prescriptions? I went to visit Helly in the home way later than usual. So she was just sitting by the garden with the nurse, blathering away. When I got there, she was startled and was super sweet for a few minutes, then super sour and back to sweet within 15 minutes. Quick visit then on to Costco. Naptime afterward. Natch.
Hard to believe this month is almost over. Four months into 2012 and what a year it's been. I'm in transit. Life is fluctuating. And the beat goes on. I love a rainy day. I can sit around a do nothing even though there are one million projects that I should be working on, but I can't be bothered. It's gray gloomy moist and no matter how cold I make the air conditioner, it still feels all wet in here. Any minute now, I can feel a nap coming on. I need a drink and a quick decision. That's nice.
We've been having some serious non-stop rain again. All day. All night. I wonder what it would be like for 38 more days. Meanwhile, I spent the majority of the day in bed enjoying the sound of the rain tapping on the windows. Of course, this was punctuated with periods of intense napping. Yes, it's Monday and yes, I called in sick. I wasn't well for working and I knew it long before the dawn broke. As a matter of fact, I'm so not well that I already e-mailed that I can't come in to work tomorrow either!
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