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Friday has become such a special day for me because I've convinced myself that the work week is pure drudgery. A Friday is extra special when we end it with the Ross Family for a Shabbat dinner. That's what we did today. It was such a lovely way to end the week. It's such a beautiful way to begin the week.
Today, I'm planning to go to a car sale for which I've already been pre-approved. It's the credit union having a special sale and I feel compelled to check it out. Will we have two cars later today?
I'm disappointed with myself right now. Today was the day I was supposed to go check out the car sale being put on by the credit union and I finally just blew it off. I'm too uncertain about the near future and I want to be sure of a few things before I get onboard with a new monthly payment for three four five or even six years.
So, I'll take the current vehicle for a look see at the mechanic and spend a big chunk of change all at once and have peace of mind instead of monthly payments.
It was a Sunday much like any other. We began the day softly drinking foamy sweet coffee, reading the newspaper. Raoul fed Isora, the birds, the cats and walked the dog. Then we went to the produce stand. It was a great day for finding abandoned furniture and I declared that I would find 10 sofas and gosh darn it all to heck - I did! That made my day.
Then we came home and turned a large leftover salmon filet into empanadas using Pillsbury GrandsŪ biscuits that I rolled out flat and used a pastry dough. Heavenly was our invention.
Letting the days go by. It's funny how easily a comfortable routine can morph into a horrible drudgery. Life is good. I can't complain.
Although I'm eternally unhappy at my job, I have to admit that it's a pretty good routine. I go there for eight hours every day and they give me a paycheck every two weeks that barely covers the living expenses that I incur.
I live in a beautiful house in one of the most desirable locations on the planet. And I have a partner who is loving and giving. So what's the complaint here? There's none.
Today I realized how horribly stuck in my routine I've become when I got home and ate dinner and then came upstairs to spend a few hours on the Internet and was horrified to learn that a power surge earlier in the day had blown out the modem.
I was totally freaked out that I wouldn't be able to get onto my beloved Internet. So, I called for a new modem and was appalled at the nerve of the AT&T representative to tell me that I would have to pay for a replacement. I think not. Cancel my service!
Springtime is fleeting in these parts. Beautiful winter weather, but spring is when the mercury starts rising mercilessly. And we're already having some days with record high temperatures. The only saving feature of the springtime season is that night time temperatures are really quite soothing.
Soon, it will be hot day and night. Today, I read that there are 11 hurricanes predicted for the 2011 season. I'm thinking about hurricanes and it's not even May. Rushing the cadence, I'd say.
I want to go for a ride on the Deco Bike, but I keep coming home too late. Tomorrow maybe?
Nice quiet day. Nothing special. Nothing out of the ordinary. My mind is not quiet, but everything around me is peaceful and easy.
Meanwhile, I photograph abandoned furniture and look for photo opportunities.
Isora and I went to the park and the community garden after work. I picked all the beets and we ate them with avocado and scallions.
Raoul made a cool chicken dinner with celery and olives that was really good. Then we watched TV and ate ice cream.
I'm so glad tomorrow is Friday. I need some weekend. I also can't put off the taxes any longer.
I'm emotional tonight. Why? Because I see or read things that bring back painful memories. The losses. The wonderings. The interior motives. The unbearable lightness of being.
I'm just plains wired. The more similarity you know the differences. It's about how I go there with you. I got rhythms. But it's a white boy's rhythm.
The flowers, they speak to me. The plants, they whisper.
I keep repeating, "Do what you want, the money will come." I want to believe. I'm trying to make myself believe.
But, nevertheless, I'm still emotional. It's all about the feelings du jour. Sorta sad.
The highlight of today was having lunch with an old friend. Although I went to Costco, it was only to gas up the car.
I also visited with Helly who was in a much better mood. When I came home in the afternoon, Raoul and Isora joined me for a trip to the credit union for a car sale. That was a grand waste of time as the selection was quite limited. After all, the sale was almost over!
We came home and crashed. I woke up too late to go to a friend's birthday party.
The beat goes on.
The shitty committee in my head is playing games with me. They keep telling me those horrible stories about what a terrible person I am, how I'm not good enough and that no one likes me and really, why even try any more because for all intents and purposes life is over.
What's the point? There's no there there. I've lost the will to live. Don't go calling any intervention hotlines, because I'm not suicidal, I'm just in one of the most horrible funks ever.
Nothing is right. Everything needs to change. And I wish I knew where to start.
Another Monday. This is what it feels like letting the days go by. Lather, rinse, repeat. Just another day, eh? That's what today was for me. I woke up and went to work. I worked for eight hours. Since Raoul took the car to the mechanic, I rode public transit home. Riding public transit is an adventure. I like seeing the city from a different perspective. After dinner, I went over to Melinda's house because Nick was having a problem with the new air conditioner and he thought I might be able to help. I couldn't help him. Bye Monday.
I'm really learning to loathe Tuesday. Although the day started with a fun violin performance, the rest of the day was filled with anxiety and stress. I keep thinking that I need a new routine. I just wish I could figure out what it should be. Because I'm not satisfied with my current occupation. It's occupying my time, but not in a good way. I keep thinking I want to have my own business, but starting it is the hardest part. Taking that first step is a giant leap of faith. I just gotta jump and start my new life.
I went to Publix after dinner tonight. It's always a good idea to go to the grocery store when one is full. I spent very little and bought nothing on impulse.
Okay, I did buy a package of bacon because I've been jonesing lately for a hefty BLT. I may even make one for breakfast tomorrow! That's how much I've been wanting that sandwich.
But the thing that made me so excited was seeing Coke with sugar. If it's Passover, it means that the 2-liter bottles with the yellow caps are made with sugar instead of HFCS. Love it.
I can't get motivated to file our income tax returns this year. I don't know what's gotten into me, but I'm actually avoiding it. I'm especially discouraged, because I already tried to do mine once with TurboTax and it told me that I owe $23.
WTH? Last year I had almost $2000 refund, so what did I do different this year? I think I didn't lie as much! So, I'm going to do them this weekend because I'm so glad the government extended the deadline to Monday. Meanwhile, today was one of the most horrible days at work ever ever.
Tax day is Monday and I still haven't filed. Oh well. Today was a totally POETS day. I didn't care about anything. Goofed off at work most of the day. Came home and made a fantastic dinner of scallops, mashed potato and carrots and salad.
Now, Raoul and I are watching a movie and I sit here tippy tapping into my trusty Mac Book Pro. Tomorrow I plan to get creative with the tax returns so that I can maximize our refund. We need some extra spending money. Who doesn't? It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, dontcha think so?
Big day. I started out on the bicycle sharing program and rode to South Beach to have coffee with friends. Afterward, I rode over to Ocean Drive for the Gay Pride Parade, mostly to take some outrageous photographs (which I posted to flickr.com/mlpa). After four hours in the blazing sun, I rode the bike home and slugged down a liter of Passover Coke. Then Raoul and I fought over tax returns for awhile and now I'm sitting here watching an SNL show on VH1. Tonight, I am hoping to stay up to watch the current version of SNL.
The tax man calls. Although the government already had all the money they were going to get from me, they still want my personal accounting of why they weren't going to get any more. So, I sat very patiently and did my taxes using TurboTax. Yay, although they already took $5,000 out of my paychecks, I get back $150! Doing Raoul's taxes has always been challenging. I was surprised upon completion of his return to find that he would get $450 back. But, back from what? He paid $200 into taxes last year. Where did that $250 come from?
Monday again. Mondays lately only serve to remind me how much I hate my job. I would quit if I had confidence that things would be okay. But my mind just goes to this downward spiral scenario when I think of myself jobless. Plus, being unemployed in this economy seems like one of the worst possible things that could happen. I know a lot of folks who have been unemployed for a long time and they're barely making ends meet. So, I dragged myself to the factory and tried to put on a brave face for another week of drudgery.
Lather, rinse, repeat. That's what life feels like these days. I wake up in the morning and try to put on a happy face. And then I go through the morning routine - drink coffee, watch morning news on TV, check out the Interwebz, shower, get dressed and drive to work. There I put in eight hours of watching the clock and dreaming of better days. I come home to two people who are in varying states of the same type of mood. Just another day. The beat goes on. We need a new routine. And we think of hurricane season.
Today I started super early because Raoul had to take Isora to Mount Sinai for two procedures. She was having a colonoscopy and an endoscopy. Last night was a real trial for both of them as she wasn't making the preparations easy for either of them. So, we were up before the crack of dawn and off to the hospital in record time. That meant I arrived at the factory a half hour early and then just watched the clock for eight hours. What a dreadful existence! I took a pill around 8 pm and passed out hard and fast.
Life is but a dream. Today we worked for only two hours. I spent most of that time schmying around the Internet. Then the electric went out. Most of my time at the office is on the computer. So I did spring cleaning and then I was out of there for a long weekend (we get Good Friday off). I drove around for awhile and passed by a building that I've dreamed about for years and noticed a new for sale sign. I called and spoke to the owner. I'm dreaming of a new business. I can dream, can't I?
TGIGF. I like having a day off from the factory. I just did my Saturday routine a day early. Woke up and fiddly farted around, took a shower, visited Helly, went to Costco and came home. Then I took Raoul to his doctor's appointment to sign all the final papers for his operation on Tuesday. Then I had a rendezvous with Roy at Haulover, came home and made a simple dinner for the three of us. Afterwards, I came upstairs and spent some time on the computer and passed out rather early, making it a very good very routine day.
When I start noticing little things, it makes me think it's because I'm about to die and little things mean a lot. That doesn't make sense, but the point is that I've been thinking about what the future holds besides the inevitable. I'm trying to do some creative visualization and lying here daydreaming is all fine and good but it isn't making those dreams into a reality. I keep telling myself that I need a plan, but in reality I need a whole bunch of different plans. Could I just sit down and make a to-do list of things?
Easter - just another day. As a matter of fact, we went to the grocery store because we forgot it was closed for the holiday. Justin's 34th birthday - not just another day. I can't help but think of what life was like for me on my 34th birthday when Justin was nine years old. It's sad to say but life really was easier back then. Life in the 21st century has become a great big hassle. But the beat goes on. The pace quickens. And the tune remains the same. Love is all around. It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood.
The beat goes on. It's when the pace quickens like this that I have to just stop to take a deep breath and then move on. Raoul is at fever pitch for his knee operation. The next couple of weeks will be interesting, to say the least. Meanwhile, we go through the day as though nothing is out of the ordinary. It was just another day at the office, and I came home to a rather routine evening. Salad and eggplant parmesan followed by a good eight hours of sleep. I don't like Mondays and this one was no exception.
I'm still amazed at how easily I can change my outlook on life with just a moment to put everything into perspective. I've learned to listen to my still soft inside voice. It is my direct connection to the divine nature of being. I'm floating, flipping, flying, tripping.
Raoul had his knee operation today and he seems to be doing fine. All my awfulizing was for nothing. There are no worries. I'm truly amazed at how good life is! What a piece of work I am. Life is good. I'm happy and what more could I ask for, sweetie darling?
April 27 was the day that Regina, my first wife, died of leukemia at 21. That day has been etched into my memory for 37 years. I can remember it like it was yesterday. That year, April 27 was Palm Sunday. I brought Regina a lily to cheer her up in the hospital. We had a sweet visit. I drove home. When I arrived at the house, the telephone was ringing. I ran to answer and it was the hospital imploring me to return. When I got back, she was already gone. Seeing a lily makes me think of her.
100 words a day sounds like it would be an easy thing to do, but once it's out there, it's out there! So, today, I'm thinking about the whole writing process. How, so many times, I come here to www.100words.com and begin writing. Many days, this is a 100-words diary entry. Sometimes, it's a mini-rant. Other days (such as this one) it's an exercise in automatic writing. I like coming here to think about things. And it's even better to write down those thoughts, however inane they may seem at the moment. It's 100 words, baby!
A low-key TGIF kinda day. Spent the morning awfulizing over my 12:40 exam. I was sure that the eye doc was going to find something horrible. She said everything looked good. What a relief! Chided me for not going there since July 2008. I was surprised that I could procrastinate for two years! Even with insurance, the two-hour ordeal ended up costing me $100 and that was with the El Cheapo fugly glasses. They managed to get me to pay an extra $45 because the doc recommended anti-glare. I would have passed on that extra charge.
Ugh, another Saturday at the mechanic. I really hate dealing with car issues. I gotta admit that I have been extremely lucky for the past eight years. This car has been maintenance free other than tires and brakes and a couple of odd things. But still, taking it in for any little thing means hundreds of dollars and hours of inconvenience. Luckily, Raoul's brother lent me his car so I went to see Helen and came back. He said it would take him about three hours, but when I came back after four, I still had to wait another hour.
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