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BY Auddits

12/01 Direct Link
Wednesday. The middle of the week. It's annoying whether to think, "Yes, the school week's almost over," or "Crap, I didn't do that one thing."
I have a friend who looks like a carrot. No, he's not orange and has green hair. But, he sure looks like a carrot to me. Before I'd give him hugs but I didn't see him at all today. Sometimes I feel like he's avoiding me.
There was choir practice today. I strained my voice up to the point where it felt all "loosey-goosey". I couldn't stop singing on the way home.
12/02 Direct Link
Ranting.
For the past and the present, the memories still lie embodied in the fat of a baby seal.
Curse this world for the fabricated heartbeats, elaborated reasons for treasons, and the piercing spear of an unflinching man or woman who penetrates the walls of those with minds of one who came from their mother's womb so fresh--
It punctures the young seed like a fork to a piece of meat--Killing them. They create such fiction to keep themselves from falling, latching onto another to use as a host like rheum by an eye.
12/03 Direct Link
With a small smile, he looked out into the plain distance; a faint show of blankness poured throughout his face.

"I remember waking up," he said, with sadness in his voice.
"There was a beautiful girl next to me, smiling at me."
"She was just like me; just as scared and lonely as I was. I held her hand, and she held mine--then we held each other in our embrace."
"But then, a bright light hit the room, and I woke up."
"Because that girl, that reality I want-- it's just only a dream."

12/04 Direct Link

It is a brick wall
Standing in front of me 
There’s no place to turn
There’s no place to hide from it

It creeps up to me
Stalking me, a ninja
Quietly, it creeps
Creeping closer and closer

And then suddenly
It sticks its hand into me
Up and down my spine
Softly touching my organs

It then finds my heart
And grabs it as if it fell
Its hard grip tightens
I start suffocating

Sweat beads on my face
My skin begins to pale
I bite my lip down
My eyes search for an answer

I thrash through papers
And my brain begins to burst
“I can’t think,” I say
“I can't finish this task.”
12/05 Direct Link
I was still mad at my dad. It's not just teen angst, really. He never respects me, he makes fun of me, and calls me stupid when I do something wrong. What kind of Father demoralizes his daughter every chance he gets? 
I strongly believe in Treat others how you want to be treated. I don't believe parents should be an exception to that. Sure, I'm a roman catholic and believe in the commandments, but how can I honor thy mother and thy father if they treat me like shit? Why should I be servile to them?
12/06 Direct Link
Anger, hate, rebelliousness;
It doesn't matter at all.
No one will learn their lesson, 
No one will be successful.
Nothing will change.

All it's full of is hurtful looks,
Angry gazes and sheer, brute swaggers
A useless game to glare 
Glare in an oblique angle
Away from the feelings in their eyes.

The act of ignoring,
The act of false hate,
The act of pretentious anger
Built on the foundation of
Misunderstandings. Depression.

It doesn't matter at all.
No one will learn their lesson,
The cycle will repeat.
No one will be successful,
Nothing will ever change
Always ending with the finale of tears.
12/07 Direct Link
It was a hot summer day in what looked like a third world country. Where it was, I didn't know. Sitting out on the porch was a rocking chair, creaking on the dry, rotting wood. The roof had some sort of goldenrod yellow hay. The sun was hot, the dirt and every single form of life was dry-- but it seemed to have a tropical feel. Here I was, wearing a filthy t-shirt and shorts. I was smaller than usual. I was seven. My eyes were bawling, I was sad; until you said, "Come to my house." 
12/08 Direct Link
I was late to school today. Oh well. I was blamed for my actions, even though it wasn't my fault. It was the Witch's fault. Did I ever tell you of the witch that lives under my bed? The one that steals my shit?

She's evil, vile and wicked.
She's old, moldy and wretched.
She has no morals to abide--
Her heart's cobide
Her face's offside
Oh so, glass-eyed
Is she.

At night, morning or noon;
She takes things like basoons;
And hides them in her secret place
Her little base
Nearby your face
Yes, your headspace--
Your bed.

That's the witch;
A Conniving bitch.
12/09 Direct Link
I felt so close to you, I secretly wanted to tell you to pick me up and carry me. Why are you bigger than me now? I remember everyone was my height back in the day. Back then, your head was round. But, you still smile the same. Why didn't I remember you? I was elated when you cared about the past as I did. Did you know, after all these years, that makes us childhood friends? Isn't that cool? I think that's snazzy. But sometimes if I think too much, there's this lingering feeling that leaves me agitated. 
12/10 Direct Link
Water. Water's so incredibly important to us. We must intake water. It has to be water. 

"No, not just water," I believed. "Bacon, eggs, ham and rice! Cocoa with extra marshmallows!"

Deep inside my conscience gurgles, "Penalty".

When the time struck one and on my toes I was. Push-ups. Sit-ups. Bodybuilders. Flutterkicks. Running in place.

One Set, Two Set, Three Set, Four.

I was dying. Sweat dribbled down my face as if someone poured a water bottle on me. 

 Embarrassing. I needed water so bad.

But, I couldn't give out then. He was watching.
12/11 Direct Link
I guess it's a good day today. Slightly productive. No, not really. I got back in coding. HTML, CSS... I've missed you. Blegh... My sibling and I... we're suffering from something called PTTD. Post-Traumatic-Tetris-Disorder. We're not even kidding. We look at a place and find small crevices, screaming, "PURPLE BLOCK!" "BLUE PENIS!" "YELLOW SQUARE!"... My molar is hurting. I hope my decays aren't coming back again. Ahh, my teeth... I think it's only because I need to brush and floss... mostly floss because I always brush, just never floss. If this keeps hurting, I'm gonna be sad.
12/12 Direct Link
What is it exactly, that changes our perspective on various things? It is the interaction with people. People push others into pressure to remain in a state of neutrality or "normal". Those who break this stage and strive to be "unique" get utterly punished-- tortured day by day with calls of unkind words and gestures and sit in a state called "loser". Another group lurks in the shadows. They are seen, heard, and known by some--but how they function is a mystery; a mystery no one but themselves know the answer to, but no one cares about the answer.
12/13 Direct Link
Life is like a maze; in order to get to the end, you have to keep trying to find a logical way to get through. Like mapping through this maze, making decisions is like going left or right, trudging forward or running along backward. People study and work hard to get what they want. They do all these for happiness.
Studying, working, achieving happiness-- for what?
To provide for those we "love"? To make the present more livable, or the "future"?
All there is in the future is death. Everyone dies in the end. That's the end of the maze.
12/14 Direct Link
Lots of people say it's good to think. Thinking, having such an imagination as to think of inventions to make life easier is wonderful. To think of ways to benefit the world is wonderful. So incredibly wonderful that everyone will be smiling blissful smiles--
 
But thinking isn't wonderful. Creativity is a positive word to explain the painful calls of this artist who sinks so deep in such pains as to fall into a pit darker than black itself. 

Pain-- What is pain? The hurt, sadness and desperation to live that carries with it-- is this feeling pain?
12/15 Direct Link
A creature with features of both monkey and frog sat sitting on a rock. Its head hung low and sadness compelled within its heart. 
"You seem sad," a mouse said as she looked at this creature. "Don't be sad! I'll bring something for you, I'll be right back!" 

Then the mouse left. 

The monkey-frog continued to sit glumly. A duiker comes over and plops down next to the odd creature. 

"Is there something wrong?"
The monkey-frog did not reply. The duiker thought for a moment then responded: "Sing a song, monkey-frog."

 
12/16 Direct Link
Angry feelings go nowhere. Sadness goes nowhere. Any feeling one feels goes nowhere, because people don't really care. Today was blegh. I know it was blegh. I was still sad and the day dragged on. I don't know what exactly was great about today. I personally don't know what to write. I feel really negative and angry. I hate that I'm not able to do the things I want to do. I wished things were more exciting. Maybe then I'll be happy. But then again, a dose of adrenaline don't mean a thing if I feel this crappy. Damn it.
12/17 Direct Link
Worrying, Worrying. 
What does this mean?
The feeling inside me, puzzling
Buzzing and beating--
Beating? What beating?
This beat within the cage of my chest;
It's normal, it's normal!
 
My brain, trying to find the answer--
Illogical? Logical? Illogical? Logical?
Thinking, thinking, thinking--
This feeling inside feeling so ancient
I know it, but I don't
This feeling inside me, puzzling
Buzzing and beating--
Beating? What beating?
This beat within the cage of my chest;
Ba-dump, ba-dump

My heart, compelled with sadness
My head, wondering why
My hands, shaking 

Why? Why? Why?

I hate this feeling.
I love this feeling.
What is this feeling?
12/18 Direct Link
I had a dream about beating up zombie gangsters. I was a man in my dream. It was set up like a video game with realistic movie bits. It was swell. I was with a homey I've already forgotten the name of.

I'll just call him Joe. Joe and I lived in a place with zombie gangsters. Only the gangsters were zombies, no one else. We had assigned missions from this chick who thought she was a flight stewardess. She always told me and Joe to get to this one place to buy stuff. She was a useless chick. 
12/19 Direct Link
I had another dream that was real swell. But I can't remember it now. I went to choir today and I heard I was missed. That made me happy that someone actually did remember my existence. My mom kept asking me which page we turn to for music, which was really stupid considering that I haven't been to practice for three days. That put me in a crappy mood. We went off to Sam's Club where I played with rocking horses. If you squeezed its ears, it would neigh and make clopping noises. I wanted to buy it so bad.
12/20 Direct Link
It's a day that seems like a normal, regular day. I guess I'm going to go paint something or do some coding. Maybe I should just draw something new. I don't know. Life seems to drag today. I'm in the mood to eat chocolate. I like chocolate. Oh, right, something did happen today. I'm trying to make myself seem like a douche bag to make this female get the hell away from me. She thinks I'm a guy, and she keeps asking me to be her boyfriend. I say I'm not, but she says I'm "pretending". I don't understand females.
12/21 Direct Link
It's a day that seems to drag. I made a snowman today. My brother and I named him Christopher Jackson and made him a backstory of how he came to be. I planned to cut my nails today. My nails are really long now. They're like claws. I've been invited to go watch a movie and have dinner with some... friends. I don't know if I should call them friends because they ditched me before. No, they're not friends. Only one of them is, 'cause she apologized and made up for it. The other ones didn't even give a damn.
12/22 Direct Link
Today was a very good day. I was able to make the painting look good enough for my best friend for almost ten years. Even though there were quite a lot of potholes in our friendship to me, she's still one of the only people I'll really open up to. Secretly, I drew what she wanted. But, I told her different. I told her that I painted it on my wall, and it was a dinosaur. Well, I'm not really lying. It's on a canvas. That's like my wall. It's a nebula. ...Well, there's no relation to a dinosaur. :P 
12/23 Direct Link
I checked my missed calls and saw I missed a call from Lauren. I haven't talked to her in forever, and I still feel like crap that I missed her party. I wish I had the option to ditch my ROTC duties. She seemed really down about it. I'll draw her a gift for Christmas. One that shows something she likes a lot yet also be something I made. 

Yesterday and today, a friend of mine... Well, not really like a friend per-se, more of an acquaintance... Tells me to go to sleep when he does. 
12/24 Direct Link
This whole day I kept thinking about him. This was odd.
I kept telling myself that it was just a spur of the moment, nothing to it at all. Two days in a row, though. Tonight I waited. Maybe at one, maybe at two-- 1 or 2am, he'll tell me to go to sleep. 1:05am he just went off to bed without a word. Oh well.

I guess if you tell yourself enough times it'll really do come true. All that thinking was for nothing. Oh well. 

Him and me... Blah, who am I kidding? Me? That's impossible.
12/25 Direct Link
How was Christmas for you?

Mine started out bad... This morning was the Christmas Day mass, and because my whole family is in the choir, we had to wake up early... I got up late and I overheard my mom wanting to ditch me and just go. I felt like crap a little, but I was a little glad that my brother defended me and said that he can get me to get up and change in ten minutes. 

We were late in the beginning anyway. My mom acted as if I didn't hear a thing. It was sickening. 
12/26 Direct Link
Happy St. Stephen! Did you guys know that after Christmas, there's a holiday for someone named St. Stephen? He was stoned for blasphemy. Today's tiring. I'm still childishly avoiding my mom. I felt like shit at Church when we all shake hands with our neighbors. I pretended I didn't see her outreached hand. It hurts to pretend you don't see a person.

I wish I could quit this childish tomfoolery, but I'm forced to stand my ground in this way. Without these actions, I won't be able to resist people stepping on me and be pushed down all the time.
12/27 Direct Link
Nothing. Happened. Today.

My mom's being really stubborn. She's probably ignoring that she was wrong...
I really want to just end this idiotic charade of a lifetime movie. But, I don't want to go back to pretending her words don't hurt me. I feel conflicted, but, I don't think I should be. I should be strong with my own judgement and stand my ground.
Because I have to continuously ignore her, eating hasn't been well... I miss eating chicken and cooked meals. But, I won't let my stomach turn my decision. I'll starve if it means she'll repent to me.
12/28 Direct Link
I watched Mulan today. My break's just wasting away. There's nothing new happening, nothing good to look forward to, just roadkill and being bored.

I decided to watch Mulan today because that song kept playing in my head when I wanted to draw something cool. Obviously, it's the song, "I'll Make a Man Out of You". That's my favorite song ever in that movie. Oh, my favorite part's when Mushu and the Cricket dress up and ride a panda to deliver a fake message. Ahh, I didn't understand Mulan when I was little, but now it does.
12/29 Direct Link
Nothing again. Everyday's slipping by and all it's resulting to is nothing. Everyday is merging together for a day that continues to stretch every long blink one has when they lie down. The new year's coming, and there's going to be nothing new about it. 
 
I wish I did something useful today. Like study more French. I'm just gonna watch more Disney movies and have epiphanies like how in Mulan everyone's extremely sexist and all women can do is be a bride. 

I'm gonna stay up tomorrow--or today, so I could get on track sleeping. 
12/30 Direct Link
The ignoring finally ended today.
 
Through tears and explanation, I think I got through my mom. 
But, I did this also with one threat. 

If she were to forget the promise to stop hurting my feelings, along with my dad and everyone else in my house, I'll ditch them.
I'll go to a college far away and never contact them again. Even if I needed money, I'll never go to them. If they were to break it while I'm in high school, I'll ignore them forever. I don't care that it's childish. It's the only way.
12/31 Direct Link
New Year.

Hopefully this new, upcoming year would begin another epoch in the era of happiness.
There has been so many disappointments within this year. I remember distinctly on New Year's Day of last year (or January of this year) that I was angry.
In the end, I ended up angry-- On trivial matters, just like before.

The phrase I remember whining about was "I won't believe that it's 2010 until I get a flying car".

I'm still kind of disappointed that I never did get one, or saw one with my bare eyes. Well, you got another year, Japan.