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Having completed my first batch for this site, December, the last month of last year, an idea came to me: that I would start writing here and see where it goes to. There is no excuse for not writing 100 words a day! Even on those days when my computer is being stroppy and unhelpful. Even when I'm somewhere with no computer. Even if I am sick or busy, or don't feel like witing. I spent New Years Eve asleep. Twelve hours of being in another world, which is an essential part of this one. I woke up feeling reborn.
Well, today I am feeling zombified. I shall reveal why, but I warn anybody who happens to read this , that it will be a rant! I am extremely pi$$ed off at this idiot young man and his friends who stay in the downstairs flat when the parents, who own the flat, are away. They play loud music; the monstrous beat shakes the whole house and getting sleep is a luxury denied anyone even two floors above. The noise begins at 2am on their return from clubbing, and if it happens again tonight, I may call police or a hitman!
I don't think cats have plans. Or keep diaries.Or make appointments for tomorrow or next week.. They really and truly live in the moment. But hey...hold on a minute!! Just watch a cat hunched and trembling in anticipation, preparing to pounce!Totally focused on it's PLAN to pounce! On either a moving or immobile prey or toy. Surely the cat has a plan! Of catching and eating it's prey or of playing with it. Having fun. Cats must surely work out intricate strategies towards achieving their goal. So they do plan! My cat,Lucy,is a strategic genius.
It's after midnight. So it's officially the next day. I know we can't write ahead, but I am in fact now writing the next day from the day before. Which is completely logical, isn't it? I do wonder sometimes,if my logic is different to other people's, if my way of making sense of my life's events could be at odds with most people's perception of the world. I read somewhere about a woman whose husband and child were drowned in a boating accident. She said :" To survive such an event your brain has to be different to other people's."
I've invited a few people to come to a party on Sunday and I'm getting in a panic about what food to be providing. There is an open fireplace in my flat, so that can be very welcoming, and I guess a glass of wine with some snacks would do the trick to make everyone feel relaxed. Actually, even though I love seeing my friends, I get in such a state of stress and exhaustion with the preparations, that it somehow cancels out the joy of seeing my guests. And there is never enough time to talk properly to everyone.
egy ketto harom negy ot hat het nyolc kilenc tiz tizenegy tizenketto, tizen harom, tizennegy, tizenot. That's counting up to fifteen in Hungarian. someone suggested today that I could apply for a job as a translator. That's not a bad idea, so I might look into it. I sometimes ponder that we think something is nonsense, if we do not understand the language. Or if you excuse yourself too much, you are sounding guilty...."Qui s'excuse, plus s'accuse" I am not excusing myself now, I am exhausted and much rather go to bed than type nonsensical words on this page.
Oh I'm so relieved! Spicy pizzas from the pizzeria will be served up to my guests on Sunday! As well as finger food I shall make: cheddar cheese with pineapple chunks, stuck with toothpicks, my favourite stand-by for a party. It has the sweetness of the fruit and the cheesy protein all in one tasty bite. And some veggie samosas which I'll pick up from the local deli. So my mind is at rest about the food! Today I'm scrubbing up the flat; got as far as the greasy kitchen tiles, and dusting the shelves. A real cleaning marathon!
Yikes! I'm behind with this, as with most of my chores! I feel very bad about it.... So it's catching up time,and all I did yesterday was scrub the place some more. The common hallway with it's antique tiles started looking halfway revived from their usual grubbiness, and I too felt better for the gymnastics involved in this activity. For most of my life, I've been aware that cleaning your own house, has some significant spiritual effect, as against employing others to do it. My mother once employed an ancient cleaning lady, I remember feeling upset by her presence...
Pain coursing through my insides, searing stomach ache in my abdomen, coming on in waves. I can't face cancelling the friends whom I'd invited earlier this week, and mostly all are coming! I haven't seen them for ages, so today is important... Since early morning, I've been cutting up raw carrots, peppers and celery and arranged these with salad on pretty dishes and decorated with parsley. I do love an artistic presentation of food! Though now I'm now munching a little burnt white toast with black tea; hoping with such simple nourishment,this bug won't cause mayhem in my tummy....
As morning light filters through my bedroom curtain, motley thoughts streak through my awakening mind. Each one shouts: "Remember me!" Reminding myself to pay heed to this useful admonition, before getting up, I adjust the height of my bedside lamp. It is perched on books of various thickness, for better night reading light. So I do my usual random opening a book, and read a paragraph. It happens to be about different languages being more or less profuse; how too many adjectives can overdose or confuse. But right now I'm totally exasperated: I can't remember ONE word ......Where's my Thesaurus!!!
Yesterday, I went to bed too late again. I was deeply upset about the food industry. I only buy free range eggs, as I'm aware of the misery of battery farming. Tasting eggs laid by hens from local farms is incomparable to mass produced. But last night, on the internet, I came upon an undercover investigation, showing male chicks being killed daily, in an atrocious manner. They are treated as inanimate objects, not sentient creatures, disposed of as rubbish. I cried. I have also watched films about slaughter houses, and cannot eat meat since. Now I can't buy eggs anymore.
I've been intending to write since early this morning. But meditated instead... Kind of like a cat nap. Excellent routine to get into...It just happened like that today. It irons out the mind of its creases, like crumpled linen revived to it's original texture and smoothness. I used to meditate, like the Beatles in the 60's. Even met the Maharishi Mahesh Yogi! Then I got busy having my baby daughter and eleven years later, my baby son. So that was what's called Karma Yoga; living life, raising children and loving them is a meditation in itself. Just live love!
Windows open both sides of the flat, to let fresh air blow through. To me, it's a very necessary way of cleansing this dwelling. Some people say: "Brrr...it's cold in here!" So the simple answer to that is: "Dress warm!" --as I do! This house has some problems... We live under the same roof with some people, who are difficult. I felt very weak and tired this morning, but watched a good French film on TV, so felt much better. Totally refreshed... Today's schedule: getting paperwork finished and sent off. Keeping positive and strengthened by veg soup I'm cooking.
Am now being very structured about my daily intake of food and fresh air. As my blood pressure tends to shoot up to levels which alarm doctors; and am being monitored for my higher than desirable cholesterol,so I've decided to take full responsibility for keeping dis-ease at bay, and live my life with as little distress as possible. I do take medical advice with due attention, but also with a pinch of salt, so to speak. I am and always have been very much aware of my body, and how my spirit has an influence on it's functioning.
"Los milagros son cambios de pespectivo." MIRACLES ARE CHANGES IN PERSPECTIVE. These words came, sent me from somewhere by someone."Solamente tenemos que estar atentos para ver que nuestra vida esta llena de milagros" This was proved to me the following days, miraculously,(!) to be true. We only have to be aware that our life is full of miracles. By the early sixties, the New Age had arrived of course, with a fanfare of promises for enlightenment, its therapists, life coach gurus and zen ashrams. Half a century later, nothing has changed, but I know there are angels among humanity.
I feel sick at the thought of having to meet some people. Actually, a couple of people.... When I was a child, certain people reminded me of certain animals or insects. Children are very perceptive in a basic way. In my mature years, I seem to be getting more like that. Is this being hyper-sensitive? It has its advantages, but also it's painful moments. The persons I am referring to now, are like a couple of spiders. I'm aware that spiders serve their purpose in the ecology of the world, but there are some which are poisonous to humans.
If I were to live as a recluse in a cave on a mountain,I might avoid problems with people in a house in a city. But I live in a house in a city. It is next to green fields, and I love the fresh air and the facility of walking on grass. I've lived here for almost half my life. But I'm still considered "new kid on the block" by the people who give me relentless hassles. Could move to a mountain; maybe not to a cave but to another house. A house not infected by bad vibes....
I got a phone call from DL, saying his mother had died last week. She had been a ballet dancer a long time ago, and was a lovely, very eccentric lady. She had four cats. Strangely, I had thought of calling her last week or the week before, to have a chat. But I didn't... I knew she was lonely and not too well. I was grateful for her being there for me with the dancing classes, during that year after my daughter died. Her son was my daughter's first boyfriend. They were very much in love many years ago.
Oh God! So much has suddenly happened -- but it is boring and a hassle so I don't even want to write here about it. It's to do with cracks in my living room ceiling, which the buildings insurance has suddenly got into a holy panic about, and although the cracks have been there for over a year and the ceiling has not fallen down yet, they want me to get it fixed at my own expense of course, and immediately or they won't insure the building, which has got everyone around here going apoplexic. So I've been busy writng emails!
Was pushing furniture around this morning, and behind one large trunk which I use as coffee table and storage unit, I spotted something fallen behind it. The photo must have been there for a while, as it is a heavy trunk, which sits in its place and not moved around. I looked at it without my glasses on, and could make out a few figures on the photo, and then I realized I was on it too. It was taken decades ago, and the lovely girl with long auburn hair sitting with friends at the Mermaid Inn was actually me.....
I've realized that there are deep truths lurking in fairy tales. Carl Jung has stated this ,in theories about collective unconscious and archetypes. My life seems to fit patterns of fairy tales a little too precisely for comfort. But I've had to adjust to this and the perception makes it somehow more acceptable. I now realize also that childhood experiences, and one's parents' attitudes carry their influence far beyond, and even into one's later years. My mother told me that she used to leave out all the bad , scary parts of fairy tales. But now I perceive that they exist.
Eating Belgian chocolate coated Californian raisins. I guess it is to provide a bit more energy to carry me through to bedtime. We had a Thai take away lunch which lasted into this evening, the three of us, L and D and me, and then A dropped by with some papers, and there ensued a very animated conversation. I am completeley exhausted now, and writing about this condition here makes me slightly embarrassed. I don't want to lose my batch and realize now I am writing just to fill the 100 words daily required quota, to avoid failing the task.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery wrote: "La terre en apprend plus long sur nous que tous les livres. Parce qu'elle nous resiste. L'homme se decouvre quand il se mesure avec l'obstacle. Mais, pour l'atteindre, il lui faut un outil. Il lui faut un rabot, ou une charrue. Le paysan, dans son labour, arrache peu a peu quelques secrets a la nature, et la verite qu'il degage est universelle. De meme, l'avion, l'outil des lignes aeriennes, mele l'homme a tous les vieux problemes." So true that we do learn from battling the strong winds of a storm, and staying grounded is essential.
Yesterday was like being in a raging storm. Not on the physical level, but a mental one. We all know that the mind affects the body, and so today I'm feeling ill and hope it is not pneumonia. I had chest pains all night, and I should be staying resting in bed. But the builders are coming soon, and there is a report to be sent to the building's insurance, who have been the cause of a ridiculous situation. They are not even paying for anything, yet stipulated a deadline for unnecessary repairs, and there is no room for discussion.
I have a dream, a song to sing to help me cope with anything.. If you see the wonder of a fairy tale, you can take the future even if you fail; I believe in angels, something good in everything I see, I believe in angels... I have a dream, a fantasy, to help me through reality.. And my destination makes it worth the while, pushing through the darkness still another mile.. I believe in angels! Something good in everything I see.. When I know the time is right for me, Iíll cross the stream - I have a dream ...
Basically, the problem where I live is the following: I own my apartment. However, by some antiquated medieval law, we have a "landlord". This guy did something which was not quite correct about 20 years ago, and nobody caught him at it. He wrote us all a letter, saying what he'd done was allegedly for the benefit of all concerned. We did not think it was of any consequence at the time, and did not even realize that his action had been illegal, until some years later. The laws on property are constantly changing. I've recently learned to keep updated.
My son gave me a hard line lecture yesterday. He is so right about a lot of things. But we are of different temperaments, and it takes a big shake up to make me "go and look in the mirror" as he has instructed me to do. He is like a teacher to me, as my daughter was. He has the makings of a true guru! There is a photo of him taken when he was a few days old, looking like a little Buddhist monk. He is a very wise old soul. I pray each day for his wellbeing.
My mother A. was an extraordinary woman. I should write a book about her one day. Her own mother R. died of an unusual blood condition when she was only 32 and my mother was 12. So my mother was brought up by her father, and her aunt T. Her cousin P and and my mother A were of the same age, and she aand P were like brother and sister, with a deep bond which remained all through their lives. Her beauty and vitality were already apparent as a little girl and a teenager. Visible even on old photographs.
My mother told me about her childhood. She said she was "the naughtiest girl in school", and I am sure this was because she loved drama and excitement...to add a bit of spice to life! And why not? Traditional methods of education in Europe in the 1920's and 1930's must have been soooo boring....even nowadays there are children who are just too bright for conventional schooling. Mind you, she did not do anything destructive, only little bits of naughtiness, like hiding in the classroom cupboard, before the teacher arrived, and being discovered and punished at end of class.
I am trying to catch up now on a few missed entries. This is not how I've wanted to do this writing project,which I value a great deal. However, the maelstrom which has materialized into my life last week is such as never quite experienced before. It has been pressure from the outside, which may be not even legal, but I have not been able to get my lawyer's advice or attention with full force, as he himself has personal problems to deal with until next week, so it is one titanic muddle, with serious affect on my health.
Set off for a morning pre-breakfast walk to my special tree. On the path across the fields, I met a young girl walking with seven or eight dogs, all different sizes and breeds. I asked her if she was a dog walker, which she obviously was, and she added that one of the little dogs, with a "coat" on was her own. We chatted for a few minutes about the benefits of early morning walks, and about the individual personalities of dogs, confirmed by one or two of the dogs as they aimiably barked their opinions to our conversation.
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