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Nature, or the intelligence of the universe has overcome the obstacle of reality. That sounds non-sensical, but true. We are (as far as we know) the only species that recognizes that life is not infinite; that death is imminent. Why go on? Why bother? Our dreams and our rationalizations are not based on facts. We keep going by some skewed sense of probabilities, our “specialness” that puts us ahead of the rest; a ridiculous
that "it" will succeed. “It“ being anything we set our minds to. “It” won’t, of course. But predicting failure would be our species’ demise.
In a week and a half, we'll be graced with DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME! It's the biggest spring event of the year. It signals that we've made it through another winter, the worst is over, spring really is coming. We'll have flowers again- or dreams thereof. Sharing of wine outside on the patio. I really need a new plan for next winter. I want to travel. I need a house sitter for my cat and a RV rental for 90 days. I'll drive 5 hours a day. I'll see the sights of the USA. I'll visit friends without imposing too much.
what is it about stage fright? I wonder this: Is it the evaluation of my ideas, my composition that causes fear? or is it the delivery? If I was a socialologist, I’d have a classroom of students trade their essays so that the ideas were separate from the speaker. I’d arrange the seats in a circle with backs facing each other and measure the amount of discomfort the participants feel. Then, arrange a circle facing each other reading one’s own essay, then standing in front of group delivering speech. Each of these, individually studied would be interesting.
Life 360 was a new app that families went nuts for. It let you track the location of all your family members 24/7. There was a discussion among geeks about the name, something incongruous that bothered them...what about the other 5 days? Once the thought was unleashed, there was no turning back. A "dark" movement began. There were five days of the year that needed erasure from the calendar. These geeks studied religious texts and spun a jihad about righteous sacrifice of the five dark days and convinced their young followers to unplug from all unnatural luminous things.
The ego and the group: As someone who has stage fright, I wonder this: Is it the evaluation of my ideas, words that I fear? or is it the delivery? If I could devise an experiment, I’d have a classroom of students trade their essays so that the ideas were separate from the speaker. I’d arrange the seats in a circle with backs facing each other and measure individual comfort/anxiety levels. Then, circle facing each other, reading one’s own essay, then standing in front of group delivering speech. Each of these, individually studied would be interesting.
I've been pushing for my small, humble city to get a new website. My words were in vain, until we got a new city manager. Yay. I start again. But what I've realized is that what I want will only confirm and broadcast the city's weaknesses. I want a table of contents-so to speak- that will guide citizens to the location that will meet their goals. Then I realized there will be 20 nail salons, 18 antique places, 17 hair salons, 2 trophy places (Two?- do we even need one?) Humdrum. What the hell does this place offer? Nothing.
Did you, reader,ever look at the length of a 100 word entry and say to yourself--that's got to be more than 100 words, but I'm too lazy to count them? Sometimes I cheat. Sometimes, there are more words but every word was important to convey the thought and the thought was more precious than the rule. So there. And guess what? there's no penalty. Just FYI. Another act of defiance goes unnoticed. Another of life's rules goes unpunished..like you CAN get divorced twice and no one cares. You just get more interesting. And, you can actually get...
A bill I received from a colleague whom I like. One mind says, "take your lumps, pull up your pants, man-up and just pay the fucking bill." The other mind says, "pay what you think is right, then give the explanation about why," There will be sentences like,"I have a masters degree, damnit, and I resent having to pay EVERYONE--including the gardener--more money than I have ever made per hour. And, "It's hard to know who really gets credit for the ideas-because weren't we collaborating?" And, I didn't need you to do the research, because I had already done it.
Another scare by cat, Ronald. I awoke with an alarm, 8:00am. No cat. Had my coffee. Searched out the window. All the windows! Then upstairs windows. No cat. I decided to take a shower and hope. I got dressed and finally went out in the yard and called him. Meow! There he was crossing the lawn and then doing his stretching that indicated he'd been sleeping. Relief! Lovely cat. I don't see much of him now that it's spring. He wants to be outside more than sleep on my lap. It's like I have 2 cats, winter and summer.
I'm getting everything done. This is big news. I'm so far ahead of the mark, I don't even have any stress. Things just fall in line, one thing after the other--obviously the way things are supposed to. But, for me, it's never happened like this. Did I grow up? Did my life get simpler? Do I have nothing to do but work? Yes. Yes Yes. It makes me feel in control, confident, accomplished. I like how I'm handling things. This part of the job, orchestrating events, calendar keeping, planning ahead and the press releases and social media are fun.
Ahh, finally, a success report: Had an art opening in the store. The store looked almost great (I slacked on the windows.) The lighting was perfect for the evening event-spots on the paintings. From the opening minute, the room was filled with people. Mary's friends were loyal and supportive. I ran around taking money, placing dots. Had I known it would be so busy, I'd have hired someone to do the scut work. But, I'm enjoying my investment in money and in time and in stress. This little space has become my canvas and my significant other; a marriage.
I enjoyed my day in the store-alone, cleaning up after the party, washing floors, rearranging (each time it gets a little better and a little more real--who needs three tables?) I typed out a clear inventory of the sales last night, finished my proposals to the schools. washed the chairs, studied my next move: life drawing space, Yes! Tonight is the beginning of daylight savings time. I love the change over. It signifies, intensifies the season of summer; gets me ready to roll. I also like the ending of DST, the hunkering down of winter. Bring it on.
Plan: get gate installed in fence. 2. dig up all weeks prior to their emersion through the soil. 3. Plant flowers and tomatoes and beets in the one little sunny space of my garden. I love that plan. I'm going to tend the area with a passion. Also, 4. rake up thatch, 5. sprinkle lawn with white clover. 6. Enjoy the summer. 7. Bike with Bob. 8. go camping early summer and indian summer and use Element as a tent. Simplicity is the rule. One cooler for some milk, boiled eggs, cheese, beer. No cooking. Eat dinner out every night.
Bicycle buddies, that's what we'll be. It's the only thing I want. A relationship that can boost exercise, interests, friendship and smiles. Nothing wrong with that. Also, I've prepared, in my head, the conversation about why I feel so uncomfortable about this relationship. All the shoulds, judgements put in their place and let go of. (I'm way too old for that.) But still, nice as he is, still a man in need. Why, if the relationship is ASEXUAL, why is that more impactful than a female friend in need? Because female friends have many other friends thus aren't as needy.
Interesting article today about the rising rate of divorce among couples married over 25 years. Hilarious, I thought. It said, usually it's instigated by the wife, who has put aside her wants and needs her whole life. Bravo, you go girl!! Right, she sees the curve of the arch of life towards death and dreams of freedom one time too many which creates an unstoppable, even if it's unconscious, step by step unraveling of all those shoulds and what will people think and who the fuck cares? I'll wear the scarlet D of divorce and be on my way running.
Jealousy. And guilt. I can feel it. It's unspoken of course. Some of my close--no, most of my close, married friends, both women and men, have spoken it out loud to me. Truth: there is a part of them that wishes they were not married. I listen to my neighbor who sits on my couch periodically, for a respite from family. She gushes her problems. I listen and sip wine. I smile, and every time we can think of a way to spin it into a laugh, we do. Then she leaves. Is this part of my calling? Serenity.
I'm going to do it. My next project is a self published book. Because, why not? I have to decide if I'm going to do illustrations myself, or photos, a mix? Each book will come with a book mark to match the cover, or match several pages? I like having a secret passion. I used to thrive on my "big idea" and tell everyone my plan; then by the time I had to start doing the grunt work of the project, I was out of steam. That was when I needed attention-obviously. No more. Just quietly pursuing the dream.
To manage it, you have to mention it. My home life is peaceful and gives me solitude and respite. BUT I have to admit, I have one beer or wine while I watch the news on TV, and then I pretty much don't feel like doing anything else. There are many hours wasted sitting in my chair. I have to change that. Maybe I'll only have a drink on the weekends. It's a good time to make a change now that summer is here and the evenings are getting longer. Or, sip half the amount of wine later at night.
Growing up, D was the golden child. She represented the "in" crowd of my little family. I was her pet, present when she felt like playing and ignored when something better came up. When we became mothers, she anointed me with recognition as a person. For decades afterwards, I played the familiar little sister role to stay in her good graces. i.e. she called the shots. We started to break apart when I refused to play shopping playmate, more breakage when I headed for divorce, more when I refused to hear her victimhood story, a long progression to separation.
Being Purposeful With My One Life. I've been a slacker lately. It happens when the time constraints are less demanding and the ease in the schedule is taken up by mindless piddling. Why do I like reading this computer screen so much? I could be meditating or reading a book or cleaning or walking. 1. eliminate all but 30 morning minutes of newspaper reading. 2. eliminate all but one hour of evening TV watching. Then see results. Will I fill the void with productive activity? I hope. Also, no wine or beer until 8:00pm. By then, I'll skip it.
From here, across the galaxy, I can appreciate your beauty. When our orbits are near, I'm wary of your gas rings.
In art therapy today my painting was of globes or planets, showing intense colors fading to pale to depict 3D. Family as a universe, all held together with invisible forces, separate paths that bring us nearer, then farther away from each other. That is what relationships are like. Individuation. All things have a cost. You have to give up things to get other things. All totaled right now, I like the balance I have.
I picked up my newly fired trinkets from my winter ceramics class today. I was excited to see the end results. I only like 3 of the pieces, but I learned a lot. I can't say I looked forward to the class. I verged on dreading it. I'd tell myself that I could go for and hour and leave early. But I stayed and it WAS better than staying home and watching TV. I have a few decent home made gifts to share, too. I'm going to take it again this spring. Maybe riding my bike will enhance the experience.
Starting this store was the best thing I ever did. Or, more accurately, it's the most perfect match for what I need at this time in my life. This morning I met with Hilda and her friend to see an art exhibit, then to lunch. We all got back to work on time, by 12:30pm. I got a phone call from a potential new gig, so my day was energized with anticipation. Then Rob came to visit and we planned a bike ride. Then Pat arrived for her class...I heard all her stories... all because of opening Artstore
I'm going for a ride. The longest ride so far. I'm taking my Element on down Route 66 from Mi to Ca. I'm taking advantage of my self employment and shutting the door on my work and taking the whole frigging month of June to go exploring, be in my own company for days at a time and see if I can stand myself. I hope for great morning sun rises and long slow afternoons. I'm going to take out the back seats, make some curtains for the windows, fit in a foam mattress, a pillow and a cooler. Adventure!
You were the north star to me. Your attention your focus was where I wanted to be. Your old dresses clothed me four years later. Our family put so much emphasis on appearance. Subtle elegance was what I think we were all going for. Shopping trips were important. It was the only thing You and I did with Mom. There was no cooking. She disappeared during vacations, The more I examine her absence in our lives, the more I think she was really maladjusted, at least to motherhood. Anyway, if I could be you, then I could shine, too? Pretend.
Where did March go? The weeks pass by so quickly. I start work on Tuesday, then it's Friday; only the easy day of Saturday left. I'm settling into this pattern. The best thing that's happened is that I realize this shop is another home for me. I've stopped putting the distinction on work vs freedom. No. It's all together and it's all my life. What else would I do if I were home? Not house work! So, I like my two homes. I live in the store and I live in the house. Each place is a privilege to behold.
I wrote my friend, Steward. He keeps reaching out like I'm his close secret companion. I told him, I'd like to have him and his wife over for dinner. I told him twice. No, that's never going to happen, he said. Why? I asked. He said, because you can't hide love. She would know. I said that's not true. I think I've made it clear, at least if he was trying to decipher the truth, that I'm not in love with him. We feel a connection based on our past; old friends. I don't want to encourage his crush. Dilemma.
I bought an airline ticket to visit a friend in August, Virginia Beach. Sale! Yay! I love knowing there's a fun plan in my future. I love that I've already been on enough trips to have my fair share of adventure. I should thank my former husband. I should tell him that I appreciate the trips he took us on. I'm glad I could do it while I was young. I feel satisfied and thus my domestic trips are adventure enough for this lifetime. I've not seen my friend's house yet. It will be a treat to visit her there.
Gangbusters! I'm collecting money like gangbusters!! I just booked a paint party for $250. I'm charging $10 less per person. I have doubts...I should have charged more? But, I have a little flair in mind. You can paint your own image; make it about your vision, not someone else's vision. If word gets around, then my Store will be the next step for all those people who have done a paint by numbers. People will flock to my approach and be on their way to exploring art for art's sake. I will have succeeded and done it my way.
Geez I've lost a lot of years to couplehood. I'm rethinking the need society has on making all single people feel bad if they're not paired. Why the investment in convincing marriage? For stable families is the obvious answer. But what about communal life? Couldn't we have networks that would care for children in tribe like groups? No divorce, because no marriage. A child wouldn't have to rely on the continuation of his parents marriage. He could feel a stability in the network. Maybe grandparents, single or married would play an integral role for kids. Give purpose to elders too.
Taxes. I have to buckle down and face the numbers. I feel anxious because I haven't been keeping track of money period. It just seemed that as long as my deposits were recorded by the bank, that's the amount of money coming in. Also there's a record of money going out. So why is it that I have nothing to show the tax lady? I need some figures to throw at her. I need to overcome my embarrassment and focus. Utilities, taxes, conferences, medical bills. You know you can do it. Make it into a game. Spend time doing this!
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