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Yesterday, I just snapped suddenly.
I was in my room, changing. I took off my shirt and examined myself in the mirror. Disgust. Repulsion.
I took off the rest of my clothes, leaving on only my panties, and looked at my legs. I lifted a foot to emphasize to myself how far out of control this phase had gone - this mourning phase. My foot hit the floor and I watched my leg shake. Sickening. I wanted to cry.
It was all a cruel encouragement. Tough love.
Somewhere, I want myself to succeed.
But sometimes I need to suffer slightly.
Osama bin Laden is dead. The USA has killed him.
Last night, Obama made a speech at around midnight. The US launched a drone strike.
The joy following was infectious; even though I had never /really/ before comprehended, or, admittedly, even cared much, about who he was, it was hard not to be happy.
But as a child, born unbiased unless given a reason personally... I find it morally questionable to be happy about somebody's death, even if it were a bad man like bin Laden.
People were throwing parties in New York at Ground Zero.
I just... could never...
I just saw Emily stop at the door of my eighth period with that red-headed Dan boy. She smiled at him in a way I didn't want to understand. I wanted to look away. I didn't want to see another second... but then she stood on her toes, and she kissed him.
My stomach is churning. My chest is burning. I want to yell and scream and out her for the scum she is. I want to be the one to out her... I want to cry.
She's engaged, for God's sake.
She's... engaged... and... I can't stand cheaters.
It's been distressing to me lately how our life at home is.
The kids (me included) are lazy little ingrates. It seems so easy, so true, to say, "the kids" and ignore that fact that I am also one of my mother's children. They (We) don't clean up messed we see - they (we) just leave them there in hopes that mommy will come along and do it for them.
We fight, always, antagonize her every day of her life.
I wonder if she ever wishes she had never adopted us.
In every aspect, it feels like we ruined her life.
This morning in first period Geometry, the announcements came to us via the intercom system instead of the television. Needless to say, nobody listened. In my opinion, the woman lost her credibility when she began the pledge, "I pledge of allegiance..."
Today, though, I noticed she was mumbling something about NHS. She announced all of the juniors that had made it in, and I didn't even bother holding my breath when she read off the sophomores.
A familiar pause.
...Could it be?
She called my name.
And I could tell that God gave me another chance.
I realize that I really don't like Amber Cutler, and I've also slowly came to my senses as to why many people don't like her either.
The reason? She's mean. She's two-faced. She starts trouble and teases other people mercilessly.
Don't get me wrong - I think that Asian jokes are funny, and I make them myself. But she just starts to annoy me sometimes with how relentlessly she continues at them.
Today, she hit me on the head with a book, and I thought I would have to kill her in that very moment.
I do not like Amber.
April took me out to buy flowers at Walmart yesterday. It's sad that I'm always so amazed that somebody likes me. I envy her.
I left the flowers on the dining room table even though Mother's Day is tomorrow. I put the bag on the table that Cathy bought. I took credit for it.
Mom took us out shopping later. I wonder how she can just whip out her credit card for us without complaining or even importuning for a "thank you" when we forget to give her that until later.
She is my everything, and I owe her everything.
I really dislike how easy it is to delude myself into thinking that I'm doing something right... This diet thing. I'm so committed, ready to change my life for the better, be somebody new.
But that's only for an hour. Then I'm back to eating. Hunching over. Putting off work I need to do more and more, minute by minute.
And I somehow find a way to justify all of it. Somehow, I can still tell myself that I'm doing well. That I'm determined. That I'm strong.
But I need to be the reacher. I need to reach for myself.
Tyler ended up online last night. He didn't have any good news for me. Then again, he never does.
His mom, as I knew, was diagnosed with a brain tumor. The doctors told his family that she would most likely be in and out of the hospital with the tumors for the rest of her life. He said that he watched them insert screws into her head, had his hands covered in her blood.
Maybe I'm paranoid, but I feel like he wants to be more than friends.
"I missed you, Tai."
I can't talk like that.
Not unless I mean it. I don't.
It's really addicting to have someone depend on you. Even if it's something as trivial as being able to help somebody with writing chemistry equations. I took Caitlin aside and started explaining it to her and before I had even finished telling her how to derive the reactants, three other people had come over to crowd around. One said, "I'm just going to come over and listen to her..."
It felt nice. Felt powerful.
I would love to be somebody's tutor. Even if it were for free - I would love to show someone out there that I can be intelligent.
I know it's bad to think like this, but everything just feels better and brighter when I'm starving myself.
I suppose it's not at that point - starving. Not yet. I haven't started getting dizzy spells. I can't feel the scraping at my being telling me to go against what I believe in.
I believe in personal image. And however shallow it is, I believe that skinny is what could make me worth something.
I'm smart. Above average, even, but I'm not the smartest.
But I don't think I have any redeeming beauty or characteristics.
Sacrifice can salvage a doomed vessel.
I like Yevgeniy Revzin.
I find him funny. Everything he says makes me laugh. There was a time not so long ago that laughing seemed like a lost art, and he helped me find it again, however unknowingly.
I don't so much find him attractive, but I'm attracted to him. Does that make sense? I think his freckles are cute. I'm vaguely aware of his blue eyes. He speaks Russian, and I wish he would speak it to me.
It's weird to have a schoolgirl crush again. I didn't think it would ever happen again.
But I won't tell anybody. <3
Ren made his way to to TM the the other day. It's always lovely to talk to him. I constantly go between thinking, "I'm sure he has feelings for me," to, "Maybe I'm just being paranoid."
And honestly, I like him. Not in a romantic way, but I really enjoy speaking to him. I really enjoy being around him. I like the way he talks. It's interesting that I never flirt casually (or at all) with anybody but him.
But I really can't help it. He's so sweet.
I feel like if I actually knew him, we'd be in love.
Yesterday, all I did was hang out with Brittany, Ashley, and Alex.
And I must say, it was the most fun I've had in a while. Even though I felt out of the loop and isolated from all of the inside jokes, I got a glimpse of how fun it could be to be... you know, a normal person again.
I just... feel like I don't belong. I just... feel like I don't really belong anywhere, that no matter how much I hang out with them, I'll never BE them.
I'll always just be me.
I'll always just be different.
I've gotten pretty serious about my lifestyle changes (formerly identified as a "diet"). I've literally been on the treadmill for around two or three hours for the past two days. My legs feel great. Pleasantly sore. Strong.
I've been walking around with a pair of cloth shorts and a black sports bra, and I feel pretty confident even though the exercising hasn't shown any results yet.
I hope I can stick with this. I could really get used to this feeling of invincibility. Like no matter what's wrong with me, at least I'm skinny. At least I'm skinny like before.
I was deathly, horrible tired today. All day. All I wanted to do was go to sleep and end the day. Lately I've been able to squeeze in a little more sleep since I've been finishing everything earlier.
I feel like exercise is really starting to change me. People who say, "One step at a time," weren't kidding - self-discipline is like a muscle. It grows stronger and stronger the more you put it to use.
Every little decision to walk another ten minutes, to sigh, go upstairs, and start studying...
It's part of a bigger picture - a strengthening muscle.
It rains in your bedroom when everything is wrong. It rains when you're here, and it rains when you're gone...
I must say that I'm a very different person now than I was at this time last year. I can almost taste that old sorrow - I was so ready to say goodbye to him a year ago. And then tonight was when he overstepped his bounds - tonight was when he took his lie to a new level.
It's been a whole year.
I wonder if I'm better off now. Is it more important to be happy, or to be strong?
I don't want to start complaining about everything like I usually do. I want to be happy. I want to have good news. I want to not only anticipate the things to come, but to wait for them and work for them joyfully.
I work in somber determination. I sigh and turn around; I sigh and do it anyway. I don't smile. I'm hoping for something wonderful in the future, but I'm not happy for it. I'm working hard, but not toward a goal.
I'm working for the sake of working.
I'm stronger than before, but I'm not happier. Still.
I missed school today, and man, I feel like today was a bad day to miss school. I missed my NHS ceremony induction, I missed my history presentation, I missed my Trigonometry test and my Spanish test...
So yes. Probably a bad day to miss school.
Today was just a bad day. I ate so much more than I intended to. I sat on the computer for a long time - NOT playing TM, but rather doing something somehow less productive than that: playing Boktai.
And then I was online until 9 PM and wasted my day. Once a weakling, always.
Spending time with people still gets me all bugged out. I have plans with Ashley today: with her boyfriend, Matt, and two other people, we're going to get Chinese food and go to the movies. Not necessarily in that order.
I don't want to eat. I'm so nervous about what Matt and the friends he brings are like. Are they going to smoke? Am I going to feel left out? Are they going to like me?
Will it be worth it?
This is the time where the old me would have bailed out.
But I'll take another step now.
The world was supposed to end today. In the quiet stagnance of my room, I had curled up in the evening light, clutching my DS and staring wide-eyed at nothing in particular.
I admit that I held my breath a bit when 6PM rolled around.
I read enough countertheories that I didn't actually fear the apocalypse Camping predicted - it was more like the cold, disturbing thought that if I died now, would I be able to say that I lived a life worth living?
I personally don't think so.
I don't think I'll ever be ready to die. Hm.
I freaking hate being third-wheel.
I can't even think of anything else I could say that would further embody my hatred better.
I'm at April's house, and as much as I love April, this is the second time now that I've sat on her computer and pretended not to exist while she made out on the couch with some boy.
I can't help feeling like I should just walk out the door and go home.
To top it off, my diet is out the window at this point. April's mom just loves to feed people and I gave in.
We went to the student technology showcase in Harrisburg today. I wasn't really sure where it was going to be, but when we pulled up to the State Capitol building, I was surprised.
It was a pretty building; I seem to remember it being all white, maybe marble. We set up The Reds' project board and were allowed to roam a bit.
During the day, I couldn't help but curse my weakness - my stomach bulged. Every time I felt it squeezed slightly by my waistband, I thought I might be sick.
Have a panic attack from my own sheer incompetency.
The NHS induction ceremony is today. I'm going to be honest - I'm really nervous.
A week or two ago I vowed to myself that I would start on my diet, or rather, my new lifestyle. I wanted to go back to starving. It just drains my physically, mentally, holistically... to not see a stick-thin body in the mirror. I know it's bad - believe me. I've considered just trying to be a normal person, but I can't.
Pizza party for Scrim later...?
...I want to skip it and run, run, run on the treadmill until I'm safe from this sickness.
I feel so aimless. I hope one day I can look back on these entries and marvel at my ignorance and exceeding lugubriousness.
But I really just feel like... I can't take life, period. Deadlines are killing me. I hate being ugly and beautiful on and off - my psyche, which contrary to what I believe on and off, is no less unstable than it was when I was chained to that individual.
I can't be the best.
Some things, as I said, are only impressive when one is young.
But you know what? We're getting older, less impressive, every moment.
Most of the time, I really do think that there is something wrong with me. I can't even wrap my mind around the concept of flirting, and I've discovered that physical contact of any kind makes me flinch reflexively.
I don't derive any joy in parties. Being around people literally drains my energy and I need a resting period before I can feel comfortable.
I'm so uncomfortable with myself - it just seems like everybody else is so much more oblivious.
I suspect body dysmorphia. Neuroticism. Social anxiety.
...I'm really scared of myself now. I skipped lunch - will probably continue to.
I've always felt like the black sheep, so to say. I've never had a close group of friends because I don't trust people. I don't let myself get close, and I don't let others close to me, either.
So I like labels, things that are certain. Things that someone with a cardboard personality can identify with.
Squinty eyes, black hair, brown hair, inherent affinity for rice: Asian.
"Do you ever feel out of control when eating? Do you feel ashamed, disgusted, or guilty after eating? Do you identify and value based on appearance or weight?"
I live labels.
Mom took me out shopping today. It's a strange thing, to walk into a store and have it agreed upon but unsaid that you can pick anything. I took interest in a black Sony MP3 player in the electronics department, and she simply asked, "Do you want it?" $140. I hate spending money. I felt like a thief.
We walked by the vacuums next, and we ended up buying a green canister one for $50 or so. I assembled it days later, and it works very nicely.
I love my Mom. I really do. Presents aside completely, I love her.
I went back to work today for the first time this year. I was meant to work last Saturday, but I had never written it down and had subsequently forgotten. MrsM wasn't amused when I approached her at church.
But I went today. I stumbled around during the Molly talk, but I fell into everything very quickly. Many times, I would start to let myself seep into that dreamlike state where the words start to come out by themselves. I found myself saying phrases I used last year, just subconsciously determining that they were the ones that came next.
Matt told me to inconspicuously tell groups that it was my birthday. I got $10 from a guy with the same birthday. The other guides made me an impromptu cake from melted Tootsies and cardboard.
I got Chinese food with my tip money with Carolyn and Sandy. There was lots of laughing. It was easy to just exist.
I went home and Mom had bought me a tiny ice cream cake since I don't like real cake. RuiNa put candles in it and I blew them out, no longer a believer in wishes.
I'm... so grateful for everything I have.
It's nice that I finished another batch, considering I really haven't finished many. Usually I simply lack the consistency to write one every day, which doesn't come as a surprise.
It's really stressing me out, though, that I don't have my Media project done yet, or even started. I have some ideas, but all of them require me to do quite a bit or to appear on camera (which I want to avoid at all costs). Plus, I just have zero motivation to do it.
Stopping and taking a breath doesn't work. I don't even have any muscles to exercise.
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