I've been choristering music since I was a teenager. It's second nature to me. I can lead a public choir and not even work up a sweat. I don't get nervous, in fact, I don't even really notice the audience are there. It's just me and the choir. So, why, when you put me in front of a congregation of 100 do I get performance anxiety? My palms are sweaty, my hands shake, my head becomes fuzzy and songs that I can chorister with ease now become insurmountable obstacles. Suddenly I'm a klutz!
Nothing of particular interest today, just work, work and more work. We're short staffed and that makes for long, hectic days. The atmosphere is nicer where I am now. There isn't the familiar panic during crisis, but there is still crisis. I don't mind being busy, although there is a nagging feeling at the pit of my stomach that my study is being neglected. I'm trying to ignore it, but it continues to unrelentingly beckoning me to address the inevitable panic that will follow when I get too far behind. But 12 hour working days will do that.
The girls at work are playing games and I'm getting cross. They really resent my absences, and while it was originally interesting to watch, now it's losing it's appeal. I can't help it if it's been promised that I would help out in ED and continue to train, and I can't help it if there was such a huge balls up in medical admin that I'm the only link because past and present. It's not like I'm sitting around sipping damn coffee! I'm trying to be patient, but I can feel the showdown coming and it won't be pleasant.
I'm not sure where to start today. I have so many thoughts, so many mixed emotions. I'm sad about the house, I spent a significant part of my life there, I cleared the land by hand and put in floors, rendered walls and made it our home. Now there's just weeds and a vacant, neglected block. Then you visited again. I can't find the words to explain how thrilled I am and how much I realise I've missed you. You bring depth and meaning to the word family. And yet, perhaps it's all the sweeter because of the interval.