Today is much busier than yesterday and it is with some frustration that I realize I won't manage to get everything on my list accomplished. Appointments all morning mean that I have started to study later in the day and there is a full 12 hours of tasks to do. Once again, I ask myself why I leave things to the last minute? But I didn't really, it's just that there is always so much to do that "last minute" eventually occurs. I know I could lessen my workload, but then I'd regret things I discarded.
My brain has decided its time to stop thinking. Its been a very full day of studying. I started at 8am and its now nearly 1am. There are so many things that I still don't know and probably need to know for the exam on Monday, but I can feel my body literally shutting down and no more will go into my head. I've done as much as I can and can honestly say that I've given this my best effort. I can't ask any more of myself than that. Whatever will be, will now be. Its time for bed!
It's Sunday and that's a special day for me. It's not only the day that I go to church and reaffirm the commitments I've made, but a time for quiet reflection, rejuvenation and removal from worldly things. It's not just an event, its a whole day. I don't shop on a Sunday, not only because it would be out of place, but also because I don't want to remove the opportunity for others to be able to do these things that I consider are special and important. I always feel better after Sunday - it gives me perspective.
As hard as I try to revisit subject matter before my exam today, my brain is still resolutely defying me. It's decided that its time to stop and there is nothing I can do to counteract it. I can't even take in the MCQ's on the website anymore, so I've stopped and rested. I have no idea how I will go this afternoon. Please brain, be there when I need you. Please help me to recall the things I've mercilessly hammered into you in the last few weeks. Please don't let me down now! Deep breath - I can do this!!
An exceptional day - I've met so many amazing people. I've been really humbled by their kindness to each other. Many have a tragic story and have been battered and scarred, and yet they've picked themselves up, dusted themselves off and continued on their journey. Instead of being bitter about how hurt they've been, they've used their experiences to help them become stronger, wiser and kinder. They have an empathy that can only come from experiencing heartwrenching pain, and I feel so privileged (if a little ashamed at my inadequacies) to have met them. They've left me determined to do better.
Blaming yourself for things that aren't your fault is a trap that those who have been abused can easily fall into. If you've been told often enough that you're no good, or stupid then eventually you start to believe it. You become confused about what you could have done that resulted in being punished, but figure you must have done something. You struggle, in vain, to work out what it was, so that you don't repeat the offence, and so inevitably, when you are punished again, it reinforces all the negative things you've been told.