read
write
members
about
account

 

datedatememberrandomsearch

03/01 Direct Link
March. Enter the lion. My daughter turns 12 this month. I seem to remember being 12 very well. I was full of sex and murder. I was just out of my own control - always rage, always anxiety, sometimes dreaming. I liked Black Sabbath. I bought that t-shirt at the beach with the skulls, lightning bolts and "666" across the front. I think that was the year I saw "Taxi Driver" for the first time and thought it was my future. So much darkness, really? I look at her, still a little girl. So much happens in a year.
03/02 Direct Link
Shuttling between jobs tonight, the streets were dark in this neighborhood where something is always going on. A man stood on the sidewalk, straight and still with head bowed. A Puerto Rican woman - a church woman - wearing a long skirt, hair tied in a modest braid, laid a hand on him and was praying. He seemed to be receiving it. Needing it. Just a half a block away I turned the corner into darkness, and the dealers were right there trying to flag me down. The man would have to walk this way. I wished him strength and protection.
03/03 Direct Link
Consider the role of anxiety in one's life: the cautionary leash that prevents, the set of oft repeated rules that prohibit, the antidote to sleep, rest and recovery, the fuel that fires compulsive behavior and self destruction, the edge necessary to do your best.

It's a squirrel's indecison in the middle of the road, "run left, no right, no left, no."  THUMP.
 
It's not wise to let anxiety make your choices or drive your car. But how much will it cost you to abate? Each time a little more, you, more and more at risk.
03/04 Direct Link
Why so heavy? Seems like whenever I sit down to write, I end up with something dark and heavy. People have always said that I'm funny, that I'm a good story teller. They have also always said that I "think too much", that I'm too serious, too heavy. I need to try my hand at writing lighter, having fun, sharing something that makes people laugh. Somehow when I write what naturally comes out - usually heavy and dark - I feel like I'm telling the truth, bearing witness, but I'm also creating a reality. What you say matters. Be aware.
03/05 Direct Link
After a night of little sleep on a hard office floor, I'm back at work at my primary job. This guy is back again after threatening to kill one of us less than a week ago. He's talking shit now, says he wants to go back to prison where he reportedly spent 20 years. He makes it hard to feel anything but disgust for him - he threatened the female ambulance crew last week and when he got in the ambulance, he whipped it out and pissed all over the inside of it. The staff are wearing their panic buttons.
03/06 Direct Link
So I've been writing a little bit for a few days and already this thing shows itself. Something in me pointing a finger at me, has a look of disgust on its face, makes me feel false, unworthy, inept - you get the idea. This is what happened when I had a little piece of myself published about 17 years ago, but it was far worse then. It's like if you let someone see it, it's tarnished or cheapened. Something in me expects that I should carve my letters into the walls and floors with my fingernails. Writing.
03/07 Direct Link
It's Maddie's 12th birthday today and we just returned from seeing Alice in Wonderland in IMAX 3D and going to the Cheesecake Factory for dinner. I still can't believe that she's 12, and that I'm 43 and worried about money, my teeth, my hair - more salt than pepper - the erosion of its coastline and  the subsequent expansion of my oceanic forehead. She's 12 and she doesn't smoke pot, she's not on probation or engaging in any other delinquent behavior that should prematurely age me. I'm happy for her. But man, this getting older thing is funny.
03/08 Direct Link
Work related anxiety and insecurity today. There's an audit going on where I work. My boss was trying to reach me this morning and couldn't. Being unreachable is not a desireable trait in a middle manager. Made me anxious. I've been here about 7 months. They don't really need me. I have not become indespensible. I find myself still reacting or trying to make up ground after a missed cue or a mistake. My ass could easily be out in the wind with many others. Appreciate, count your blessings, and defend this position if you know what's good for you.
03/09 Direct Link

There is this overload function built it. When tension, anxiety - whatever that thing is - builds to a certain level, the switch is thrown and you're in another place, off and running down a track of fantasy. This is undoubtedly in place for the protection of its host. There's a catch though. See, the more you use it the lower the threshold for triggering it. Before long the switch is thrown at the fist hint, when the juices of anticipation start to circulate. Before you know it you live in that place, and it gets harder and harder to stay here.

03/10 Direct Link
Your attention span is just about right for this 100 words thing but you lack any sort of continuity from day to day eventhough you haven't changed remarkably and when you have time you have nothing much at all to say. I'm a little hyped right now and cannot attribute it too much but got excited for a minute participating in writing on Facebook threads. Too bad there's not a living in it. Joe Frank is playing in Chicago this weekend, the last ticket just sold today. Wish I could go and would take the trip impulsively but I'm
03/11 Direct Link
I got a little e-mail today telling me that something I submitted for publication was accepted and will be published this month. It's a micro fiction blog (6S), and the blogger self publishes the book, and it's also selected for publication on the blog itself. Does that count? Is it the same as an acceptance from the Paris Review? I don't know, but I felt pretty good about it earlier. Now, of course, I'm talking myself out of it. You know what, Giacomo? I don't care what you say. I got my thing in print and I'll continue.
03/12 Direct Link
Falling behind in my entries. I have three boys and pizza to get to and baseball tryouts and they're beating the hell out of each other with foam swords. Probably better than the wooden sticks we clubbed each other with. I'm full of the anxiety of the morning - very little of it is my own. what the hell though, it's a communal effort. It's the weekend, it's your life - enjoy it. Got a good night's sleep last night but I owe this entry and 70 pushups. I paid a couple of credit cards and counted up the interest piling up. 
03/13 Direct Link
Rain today. Snow melts away.
Robins sighted. Killdeer heard.
The mournful sound of
an unknown bird.
 
A familiar depression since childhood.
Is that why they say April is the cruelest month?
Something like despair upon waking from winter's coma,
 the thought of bright Spring and it's energy
seems overwhelming and unattainable.
Part of you looks forward, hopes..
And part of you rolls over, seeks a return to sleep...
to silence and stillness.
This pretty much sums it up...
the push and pull of every day.
Do I sit in traffic today or
drive into a bridge abuttment?
03/14 Direct Link

Another soggy day and the basement has taken on water. I didn't shower or brush my teeth, but I did our taxes for less than $70 with Turbo Tax. The projected refunds look about the same as what the accountants got us last year, and we paid them $335. Enough of that. Learn how to do some shit. Just did some pushups so I feel mobilized for a second, and I'm listening to some good droning metal that makes me think of persistance and pushing on - "Om". I need to do the same with writing. Keep at it move forward.
03/15 Direct Link
I suppose everyone will be writing about the Ides of March and being ware. That's fine, but I'd add to beware every day. When I feel good, when I watch my children play, when I begin to get comfortable - I hear a warning. Don't get too comfortable. This can't last. All this will be taken away. And I can't argue with it, But it shouldn't mean despair or give up. It should mean, get busy, wake up, enjoy it now.. to the fullest. Well, that's what I think about on the Ides of March, and most every other day. Thanks.
03/16 Direct Link
Another 12 hour overnight shift. We hope it will be... shhhhh. We hope to have time to write a little. We hope there will be time to sleep enough. Because there is work straight away in the morning with hopefully a shower in between at the gym you bought a membership to on the 1st of the month and you've yet to visit. But that's how it is, you focus on one thing and lose focus on another. Right now, I have to get the finances fixed so I'm working all I can. When I get a breather, I'll run.
03/17 Direct Link
St. Patrick's Day and here in Massachusetts many people are wearing the green. I am too tired to be interested. Worked a 12 hour overnight shift last night, showered at the gym and came straight to my day job. Have to do the same again tomorrow night. Depressing to plan where the money goes this week (gone in about 10 seconds) and next week (gone in about 15 seconds). At this rate becoming a millionaire by the end of the year looks like a stretch. Aw, quit yer bitching and get back to work. You want a change, make it.
03/18 Direct Link
A couple of hours late getting this in. Grey hair. Another overnight shift and a couple of hours sleep on the floor. Kid from Myanmar - 15 sent by parents with his 17 year old sister for a better life. He's in a program for boys with serious behavior problems waiting for foster placement. He has no behavior problems.His English is limited but enough to hold a conversation and to understand that all I can tell him is to wait and try to be patient.

It's 3am. I'm off to see another guy who's name I know too well.
03/19 Direct Link
Missed yesterday's post because of sleep deprivation and coming down with some kind of sinus thing. Lack of sleep due to three 12 hour overnight shifts in addition to my full time day job ran me down and I got sick. This is usually the only way I get sick. Now I'm on another overnight after resting today. My wife and kids had mercy and let me stay behind from the day's activities, which helped me quite a bit, but left me with conflict gnawing at me. Copping out of time spent with my kids who are growing so fast.
03/20 Direct Link
Warm Spring night,
 Lots of people on the sidewalks.
Car goes by the window, Salsa music plays.
People waking up and feeling better,
and I am trying to do the same.
Here at work again, quiet enough to let me type this.
I should be glad to have work that is not bending my back
and wearing out my knees.

You complain about having to work
and spend your time thinking about how
the little you make will be spent to cover
the mountain that you owe,
but what if that were all gone and
the time was now your own ?
03/21 Direct Link
6am, still dark, the sounds of robins
 and Spring.
Glad to have made it.
Shift almost done.
Tally the money in my head.
Apply it to the mountain of debt.
Seems like little more than a drop of rain on a granite peak.
I will persist, and though it will wear me down somewhat,
I will wear it down to nothing.
Water carved the Grand Canyon, right?

Watch out you don't get caught up in looking forward
and wishing it away.
Time is more than money.
Money is not most important.
Remember the people in your life and enjoy them
Now.
03/22 Direct Link
Back to work after the weekend. Took the kids to the playground yesterday and all three were clamouring for my attention. Makes me realize how little time I spend with them having fun. It's cliche to cry about how fast it goes, but it's damn true. Maddie at 11 now, I remember taking her to the same playground when she was barely 2, and that was just a moment ago. There was a lone crow there watching us. Seemed to be talking to us - throaty, rolling speech. He had a tuft of white on his throat. Was a friend.
03/23 Direct Link
Start here, with nothing to write about.
Miguel pops his head in to say,
 "Good morning, Wayne"
though that's not my name, but I never disuade him.
It's raining today, a Spring rain, not warm
 but there's something in it that smells like the ocean
 or the earth's life juices breaking through the crust.
I come through the parking lot without an umbrella
 and am only conscious of this because everyone else out there has one.
I never use them.
I also don't turn the lights on in my office often.
Does that make me insane?
03/24 Direct Link

Fell asleep early last night and missed my post. Consistency has always been tough for me and kind of a drag, to be honest. It bores me. I hate having a script, a schedule, knowing exactly what I have to do this hour and the next and tomorrow. Feels like prison - always has. Like card games or golf or watching professional sports on TV. I can't explain it but, even now beaten down and disillusioned, I still have a sinking feeling doing these things - like my shining moment, my golden opportunity, is happening just out of reach.

03/25 Direct Link
Just got myself my own laptop with the intention of taking it with me everywhere and writing more. But having something of one's own is apparently problematic in a communal setting. It brings about worries of secret keeping and misuse. It brings about hard feelings which prompt a response of resentment and pretty soon I want to take the slim and pretty little piece of technology and throw it in the sewer and then just take a long, long walk to wherever the hell I like. But there's no need to be rash and overreact. Just write with it.
03/26 Direct Link
Went to bed at about 7:30 last night and missed my post. Too tired to care. I'm pulling another overnight tonight after spending the day distributing our Federal Tax return to our creditors, but it's good to have it out of the way. I cut my toenails, changed a lightbulb in the hallway, and tested the smoke alarms. Tonight I came to work and assessed a young woman who got kicked out of her house and scratched her own arm in anger. Doctor thought she might be suicidal. She was pissed off. Not everything needs a diagnosis.
03/27 Direct Link

Maybe a pseudonym is advisable - feathers will get ruffled.
So I change my name to something silly.
I listen to the general lack of courtesy outside the door.
I wonder about the effects of chemicals on developing brains
and whether we are getting dummer, more fucked up, as a species.
 Swimming in circles with two heads not quite separated or two tails working furiously against each other.
I have nothing to say again.
 This 100 is an obligation not an inspiration.
Hope I didn't wait too long.
Was there more to write about when I still believed?

03/28 Direct Link
Chilly morning at work awakended by a knock on the door. Never fun having to face someone professionally right upon waking with carpet marks on your face, bad breath and mussed hair, but I'm old and past all that. Anyway, I'm wrapping up now and getting ready to go home. Maybe sleep another hour or two and then take the whole crew out for breakfast or brunch. My wife says my car makes it look like I'm homeless and living in it, and she's right. Maybe that'll be the plan of the day to get that cleaned up. Why not?
03/29 Direct Link
It's not looking like March will be going out like a lamb with three to six inches of rain predicted here in the Northeast over the next couple of days. There's already been flooding and the river's are still high. This may not be good. We took a little road trip yesterday. Went into a Mexican restaurant and Jack commented that it looked like a "Chinese place". Many things seem Chinese to Jack. This generates the cool nickname of Chinese Jack or China Jack. Anyway, despite the friction that comes with three kids in a minivan the day was good.
03/30 Direct Link
Starting the third day of rain and a state of emergency is declared 50 miles from here due to flooding. I say "thank you" because right now my family is safe, warm, dry with enough to eat. The radio talks about 9 kids charged in the suicide of a high school girl - a victim of incessant bullying; Michigan militia men arrested for plotting to kill police in a move against the American government; Chechen women blowing themselves up on a train in Moscow. A small boy in raincoat and boots aims a toy rifle at me as I drive past.
03/31 Direct Link
The last day of March and it's not exactly out like a lamb here in
southern New England with flooding in 3 states and rain still coming down. Here's hoping it stops today. When I left work yesterday in a downpour, a hawk glided down the road maybe 30 feet off the ground between me and the parking garage. A strange sight in such a high traffic area. I can't figure out if I'm pretending that it's some kind of sign or pretending that it's not. Thinking about trying to write a very short story for a contest.