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BY Charly

02/01 Direct Link

If Iím truly honest with myself, I can see that it wasnít working a lot of the time. But I also know that Iíd probably never have given up. I wouldíve kept trying. But he did give up Ė and rather than showing weakness, it makes him the stronger one of us. When I am at my strongest and most logical I can see that this is the best thing for both of us, but when I am my weakest Ė in the mornings, when I wake up alone and at night, when I go to bed alone Ė I simply miss him.

02/02 Direct Link

Seeing him today, for the last time, is going to be unspeakably tough. It was never going to be easy, but now that heís not mine, that heís not coming home to me, ever, itís even worse. Or perhaps it will be a helpful step in letting go, I donít know. Of course, the main problem in all this is the fact that I donít want to let him go. Iíve never wanted that. I was going to get through by holding onto an image of his return, but now that hurts more than anything because it is pure fantasy.

02/03 Direct Link

I never thought that Iíd say this, but love is overrated. Unrequited love is the worst, and thatís all I ever seem to find. From both sides, as it turns out. Heís never been able to feel that way about me that I do about him, but I know now that someone also feels that way about me. If I could choose the person I loved, Iíd pick them in a heartbeat, but sadly thatís not an option.

I wish I could stay cynical like this, but the truth is that Iíll always be waiting for the lightning bolt moment.

02/04 Direct Link

Why is that watching and reading depressing fiction makes me feel better? I think it might be something to do with crying over fictional pain instead of addressing my own. That makes it sound vastly unhealthy, but itís really not that bad. Iíve done enough crying over my own pain as it is Ė itís nice to focus on someone elseís, be they fictional or not.

I also feel that sad fiction is more impressive than comedy. People will laugh at almost anything, but it takes real skill as a writer or performer to make your audience feel enough to cry.

02/05 Direct Link

Life always takes me in unexpected directions. This latest one is especially so. Itís something Iíve wanted, in the back of my mind, for the last few years. Now itís actually happening, in a slightly warped way, nonetheless. Itís not quite what I wish it was, or what I used to wish it was, but I think itís still what I need right now. Itís what we both need. Itís going to be impossible to explain to anyone if I need to Ė especially J Ė but I think that itís worth it.

Heís leaving tomorrow. I am trying to ignore it.

02/06 Direct Link

Why is Ďgoodbyeí such a powerful word? The other day, we both knew thatís what we were doing, but we were both able to keep compose ourselves until he uttered that word. At that point, we both lost it.

Itís odd that I was more composed than he when we spoke today. At that point, I was quite numb. It didnít all hit me til later. When it did, it knocked the breath out of me. I am going to miss him. No matter how much negativity I can now see in our relationship, thereís no getting away from that.

02/07 Direct Link

I think that guys really miss out by not having best friends. Thatís not to say all guys are without them, but lots are, and it seems that some of those who do have them donít form the same bonds that girls do. And this is coming from someone whose friends are predominantly male! But J and I are different. Weíve been best friends for nine years now, and thereís no realistic reason that weíll ever not be. Even when weíve been apart for a while, as soon as weíre together again, itís like no time has passed at all.

02/08 Direct Link

Iím probably hurting myself in doing this. B doesnít want me to get hurt, but I donít think itís the new development thatís going to hurt me eventually, I think itís just spending time with him. And thatís something Iím not going to stop, even at my own risk. Weíre possibly the oddest best friends ever Ė but thatís what we are. I just need to stop myself falling in love with him. I forgot for years, I made myself forget, how much I used to like him, but now that weíre both single, itís all come flooding back once more.

02/09 Direct Link

Four years. I hate this date. I hate that it gets a little easier every year. I hate that today I woke up and it felt like an ordinary day because feeling sad has become part of my routine. I hate that having my heart broken leaves me feeling as sad as losing her, but I suppose it balances out, as one is still so fresh. The other is a much worse hurt, but it has dulled.

While itís significant, I donít miss her more today than I do other days. Just the same. Which is to say, a lot.

02/10 Direct Link

So J knows. Unsurprisingly, she knew something was up. Surprisingly, she not only doesnít mind, she understands. Obviously sheís mildly concernedĖ she knows that I am not one to supress my emotions and so itís possible Ė likely even Ė that Iíll get hurt from all this. I suppose there are three potential outcomes.

1.†††††† We fall madly in love and live happily ever after.

2.†††††† We decide to end this mutually and go back to being best friends.

3.†††††† One of us develops feelings the other doesnít return and gets hurt as a result.

I know which option Iím rooting for.

02/11 Direct Link

I think the universe is trying to make amends with me. I won a raffle today, and found a stunning dress for only a dollar. I somehow knew I was going to win the raffle.

I got upset and the left the party last night. Not really early or anything, but I could just suddenly tell I was at my breaking point. For all my talking about it, I hadnít really dealt with H leaving yet. That, combined with the anniversary, was just too much. I came home and I just lost it. But at least I made it home. †

02/12 Direct Link

Itís hard to think of a hundred words to say when Iíve done nothing of interest all night and all day. I would have loved to get dressed up and go somewhere sparkly last night, but, alas, I have neither the company or the money at my disposal to do so. I think that dressing up and looking your best can be healthy. No one looks their best all the time, and nor should they have to, but itís kind of a way of showing that youíre still interested enough in yourself and the world to put in the effort.

02/13 Direct Link

I seriously need to learn how to control my emotions, or at the very least, the filter between my brain and my mouth, which at this point appears to be largely non-existent.† He is lovely and understanding, however, and didnít immediately run away Ė something Iíd not have blamed him for. We stayed up basically all night talking Ė heíd been up for over twenty-four hours by the time we actually went to sleep. Itíd be the perfect beginning to a relationship if this was a sitcom. Which, alas, it is not.

I need to stop watching so much television.

So tired.

02/14 Direct Link

I feel pretty lucky to have the friends I do, for the most part. Iíve had/am having issues with a specific group of them, but I think a lot of that has to do with our having been friends for so long. Everyone is having trouble adjusting to all the changes that have been thrust upon us of late.

Lately,† Iíve been making a real effort with a group of people that Iíve been friends with for a while, but never spent nearly enough time with. Theyíre the most consistently not-boring people Iíve ever known Ė always keeping things exciting, different.

02/15 Direct Link

How I love the beach. It is invigorating and exciting and fun.† I canít imagine having grown up somewhere without one nearby. It has always struck me as odd in books or films when a character has never seen the ocean, or indeed, when they see it for the first time. I have dozens of amazing memories that happened at the beach, occurring over my whole life Ė from as far back as I remember, to as recent as today. Collecting shells is perhaps my favourite part (though I did only get one today) Ė I have always found them so beautiful.

02/16 Direct Link

Mothers. Why do we have them again? I mean, apart from the whole ďgiving birthĒ thing, whatís the point?

Good God she frustrates me. Itís complicated and all the more frustrating because so many of her problems and issues just arenít her fault. So I get infuriated with her, but then feel guilty about it as well. I worry about her, a lot. Itís horrible, and obviously I donít wish it, but I honestly would not be surprised if she were to hurt herself one day. I guess itís our job as her family to keep that from happening, somehow.

02/17 Direct Link

I know that Iím probably going hurt myself doing this, and I know that the way B feels about me will probably never change, but Iím enjoying this anyway. And I actually think that it might be good for me, in a way. Crushing on someone, flirting and whatever else weíre doing is just a bit of fun, so itís keeping me from focussing on how broken hearted I really still am about him.

Perhaps itís just my wishful thinking, but last night things were so great, that I canít help but wonder if the way he feels is changing.

02/18 Direct Link

Iíve said it before, but I really need to get my emotions under control. Honesty is all well and good in its place, but perhaps it isnít always the be all and end all of Ďrightí.† Perhaps being honest with someone isnít worth it if it exposes all your flaws and hurts them in the process? But perhaps honesty for honestyís sake is good too. I donít know. Iím not certain of anything anymore. I donít know what I believe in. I used to believe in God and fate and destiny. I used to believe that I would be happy.

02/19 Direct Link

I want to fall in love. I want someone to fall in love with me. I want to be a bride. I want to be able to tell people the story of us one day and have them say ďaww!Ē I want to be able to stand up and give a speech at our fiftieth wedding anniversary someday, wearing the first piece of jewellery he ever bought me. I want to be told that I am beautiful, and to look into someoneís eyes and know they mean it. I want to everything to someone. †

ďI want to be somebodyís Gerry.Ē

02/20 Direct Link

He makes me so happy. I can be miserable as I ever thought possible, but he can still make me laugh and bring me back from that edge. Even though weíll never be everything that I want us to be, heís the one who makes me happy, who makes me feel like life is worth going on with, at least at the moment. I hope that it wonít always be that way, but for now, itís enough to have something, anything to get me through. I hope that one day I can be the one that gets someone else through.

02/21 Direct Link

I hate feeling like a clichť. Right now for instance, I am lying in my bed, watching a terrible chick flick (one that Iím not even really enjoying) and have just polished off a block of chocolate. Wishing I had a microwave so that I could heat up my wheat-bag.

That said, if I could pick a clichť to emulate, it would be the Manic Pixie Dream Girl.

Iím sick of being sad, and Iím sick of being tired. But as many times as I say that, I canít just make those feelings disappear, no matter how hard I try.

02/22 Direct Link

I hate being so confused.

Even more though, I hate that my confusion doesnít actually matter in the slightest. I donít get to choose anything. Neither him nor B want me, so my confusion between loving them both doesnít make a difference to anyone or anything. The only purpose it serves to torture me. Theyíve both said precisely the same words to me.

†"I wish I could make you as happy as you deserve to be."

I thought that I was a good person. I thought that I deserved to be happy. But the universe appears to have other plans.

02/23 Direct Link

So, as of today, I asked B to help me by making a stand and stopping us doing what weíre doing. I know itís the right thing to do, but I donít have the resolve.

All that makes it sound like such a bad thing, but I donít regret it at all. Like B said today, I think that he has helped me in getting over him, and in making me feel good about myself again. But had I let it continue, it wouldnít have been that anymore. It would have been me hurting myself Ė something Iím trying to avoid.

02/24 Direct Link

I have had the most delightful weekend. Friday night was the Fringe parade, which sported some impressive fireworks and then B and I danced the night away at my very favourite pub. It made me want to do dance lessons of some description Ė ballroom with my mother, perhaps. Or I could join Swing with B when I have some kind of income again.

Ending the night by dancing through the sprinklers was lovely too Ė I love having the friends that I do these days Ė I donít feel inhibited by them at all. But perhaps itís me thatís changed, not them.

02/25 Direct Link

The overly dramatic part of me finds it almost satisfying that we ended things today, right before university goes back. Maybe it will be nice to look back one day and know that I had a summer fling once. I donít really feel very fling-y about it, but maybe I will one day. Maybe heíll still change his mind.† Or maybe not. Things are wonderful between us, but as he said today, maybe thatís just the way that true friendship is meant to feel.

And I do love having tiny moments that I can look back on without sadness again. †

02/26 Direct Link

Iím not sure that I can forgive the way you treated me at the end. It was cruel to let me give a speech. It was worse to give yours and not even mention me. Itís okay that you knew things were over Ė I understand why you waited to tell me - but not even saying thank you for all the work that I put in not only confirmed to me that it was over, but showed everyone else that it was too. You effectively broke my heart in front of all them all.

I hope youíre proud of yourself.

02/27 Direct Link

Iím sick of feeling like Iím not worth anything.

More than that, Iím sick of only feeling worthy when someone else makes me feel that way. Do I not have any worth of my own? Why do I only feel real when Iím one half of something?

†What happened to all the dreams I had as a kid? I never wanted to be someoneís wife, or anything else. I was going to be a palaeontologist and an artist. I was going to see snow and Egypt and Paris.

What the hell happened to the me I was going to be?

02/28 Direct Link

I know itís not your fault that you donít love me. But for the life of me, I just canít figure out why. We could be so perfect together. We have identical taste in films and TV Ė on which we place greater importance than we probably should Ė and we understand each otherís every thought and emotion. I have so enjoyed spending time with you lately. I feel like youíve helped me put myself back together, at least at little bit. Youíre helping to mend my very broken heart.

I love you. I wish that I didnít, but there it is.

02/29 Direct Link

Beautiful.

Another powerful word.

Iíve been called sexy and cute, both of which are nice to hear, but nothing like being told that youíre beautiful.

Especially when it comes from someone with no agenda, no motive. When theyíre telling you just to make sure that you know it.

And it worked. Being told it makes me feel it, which is a wonder.

And for whatever bizarro reason, knowing and understanding that I am beautiful, at least to someone, makes my life a little easier to live. †At least, it has today. And really, I canít ask for more than that.