REPORT A PROBLEM
Well, today is actually the fourth day of April. I left my March 1st entry blank which meant I had to go back to it. Nevertheless, I had a wonderful, wonderful day. We didn't do much, but that's completely fine by me. That's what Sundays are supposed to be about. Today was very relaxed and you made me laugh so much. You helped me with my studies and you encouraged me to read my textbook so I am better prepared for the class on Tuesday. It feels good to have done that. Of course, it was another gorgeous sunny day.
I confess I skipped the second day of March as well. So, on a Sunday in April, I am filling out this entry. I could write about something general, but something interesting happened today. I experienced an earthquake for the first time. It was scary and at the same time exciting. It feels wrong to say that because I know what damage it has caused all over the world. The first time I experienced something like that, somehow it felt against the deeply instilled reassurance (the ground should always feel still under your feet). I was glad you were here.
I enjoy our "new healthy diet" regime. I think it's easier to keep yourself motivated when you engage in an activity, or set a goal together with someone, when you are not going through it alone. I have never cooked so much before and I really enjoy it. I still think it's important to have a healthy balance when it comes to diet and not deprive yourself of something you enjoy even if it might not be considered the healthiest option. I'm making a veggie dish today...but I loved the pizza last night! (spinach and mushrooms are healthy, right?)
How do you do it that you look so young? Not even one wrinkle on your face, you have such a beautiful skin! I am sure your lucky genes have something to do with it, but I think it's also your approach to life. You don't stress and you don't worry. I admire that. You also take naps. I never used to take naps before. Now I had a long one with you on this lazy rainy Saturday. I woke up and realized it's gotten dark outside. I feel fresh relaxed, but maybe it's because I love being lazy with you.
I'm happy you are the way you are. I am not saying it has been always easy, but then - I am referring to myself as well. I am referring to the combination of you and I. You know what I am talking about when I bring up the challenges we have been facing since we met, and how painful or frustrating it gets sometimes. But I see the benefits clearly - benefits of the influence we have on each other, we are so different and even though it might be hard to understand the differences sometimes, we both realize their value.
You make me laugh so much and so hard. You make me laugh like nobody has ever before. With you, I cry hard and I laugh even harder. You make me laugh even when I don't feel like laughing. Starting with goofy faces, you make me chuckle, and then, if you decide to take it further with your hilarious stories and comments, you have me laughing so hard I am slapping my knees with tears in my eyes in no time. I have never laughed so much before. I am sure I will have a six-pack soon. Thank you!
I am so content, happy and relaxed. We are in a perfect harmony. This weekend has been amazing, I can feel the harmony in the air, our apartment is full of it. I told you this morning how you are my Muse (a male version of Muse). Whether it's negative or positive, I write a lot about our relationship and I write with passion. I am not embarrassed. I feel like writing about you and to you and about us. The fact that we are so relatively new, unexplored and exciting is not the only reason. I love being submerged.
Touch. Feel. Hug. I have always been an affectionate person. I donít mind hugging people when I sense their hugs are genuine. I have limits when it comes to physical affection with other people, but I have no limits when it comes to... YOU. Are you surprised? I donít think so. Feeling your skin on mine is my little daily dose of happiness. Feeling your skin on mine lifts me up, it makes me smile, it gives me energy. It changes everything. It brings me better mood in no time. Everything is better when you touch my skin.
Your touch soothes me. It's so calming, yet encouraging. Your touch is the best therapy for any ailment. Feeling the warmth of your smooth skin under the palm of my hand is invigorating. I touch your arm with my fingertips and I feel the positive energy pouring into my body. Feeling the beat of your heart on my cheek when I lay on your chest is better than anything else could ever be. My leg wrapped around yours in the silence of the night; I donít have to worry about anything. I am safe. I feel close to you.
Your Skin... So amazingly smooth, silky, soft and a pleasure to touch. I am totally addicted to your perfect skin, addicted to touching your skin, even with just a tip of my finger. To feel your smooth shoulder under my hand when we are laying down is so soothing, so relaxing and reassuring. When your calf touches mine under the blankets as you stir in your sleep, I feel it even though I am asleep myself. I love watching you when you walk around naked and the lights reflect on your beautiful velvety skin... I am addicted to your skin...
We packed our bags (he had one and I had five) and loaded them into the car. It was a beautiful afternoon with the sun high up on the sky and we were on our way to the wine country. He had a conference there and I was happy to accompany him. I hadn't experienced wine tasting before and being a wine lover, I thoroughly enjoyed the experience. Six different types of wine, six intriguing scents, six rich flavors... Each so unique; a combination of various ingredients... I stood there with my husband, taking sips from a large delicate glass...
Summer is around the corner. I sense it... It's funny, I came here in fall and thoroughly enjoyed the mildest winter in my life, T-shirts and all, but still...I sense the summer getting close. How come I am getting more excited about summers as I get older? Suddenly, there is a different scent in the air, bushes and trees are getting greener and I hear birds that I have not heard since I came to live here. It's evening, we have the window open, a bird is singing somewhere and someone is barbecuing... Don't you just love summers...
Such a great weekend... Together, relaxing... He made breakfast in the morning (he is much better at cooking), we had dinner downtown, went to the movies... Today has been a wonderful, restful, affectionate, physical, lazy Sunday... We did go out however, he met his friend while I browsed the shops in a mall. They had beer and pizza in a restaurant and caught up on the latest developments. The pizza had large chunks of beef and onion on it. I don't think I will have any of it, even though there is still some in the box in the kitchen.
He challenges me about the color of my hair (no, not the natural color of my hair). "Why blond?" he asks. "I like blond!" I reply. "Where does it come from?". "It's the closest to my natural color!" doesn't work for him. I think about it... How come I have been enjoying getting those highlights so much over the years and never thought about taking a break from "enhancing" the (in my opinion) uninteresting brown of my hair? Should I be content with my natural shade? Is it because I simply got used to it? Or is there another reason?
When we laugh, our body produces endorphin Ė happy hormone Ė which acts as an instant stress relief. It is recommended to laugh as much as possible, even if you fake it, as fake laugh supposedly has the same effects. When I heard about laughing workshops recently, I was intrigued. A group of people meets in a park every weekend and together they laugh. They don't even tell jokes, they just laugh. Apparently, if you are willing to be a bit goofy and try new things, you will really end up laughing a genuine laughter. I would like to check it out.
I'm reading an interesting book. The author talks about desire to be sexy and beautiful and what it means to her as a woman. She dislikes how women who opt for enhancements on their quest for beauty are judged and considered shallow. She disagrees with the statement that a womanís main concern should only be her inner beauty and says there is nothing wrong with admitting one is pursuing physical perfection within their means and beliefs. I am in agreement. Maybe itís because we both come from a small Eastern European country where beauty is of special importance.
I started school again today; it feels great! I have always believed in continuing oneís education, regardless of age. The last time I went to school, I attended evening classes with mostly adult professionals. This time, I found myself in a different kind of environment. The professor read the rules this morning - sleeping or putting on makeup during the class is unacceptable. It made me smile. I appreciate it that someone tries to teach us something with enthusiasm. He seemed surprised when I said ďThank youĒ at the end of the lecture. But it might be just my imagination.
Second class. I was surprised. Why all the annoyance, yawning, sarcasm and complaining about the teacherís writing or style of lecturing? Do I see it only because I am older? I am pretty sure that even when I was at the age where I might not have fully appreciated the value of learning, I was never that disrespectful. If you really think that the lecture is crap, the professorís style is crap and the material is boring, if it's really that annoying, then why do you bother being here? It must be really hard to be a professor.
I look back and I canít help but appreciate where I am now. Itís almost scary to admit that I am living my dream. Yes, things can always be better and I will never cease reaching higher. We all have our downfalls and we constantly strive for improvement. After all, thatís life. We grow and learn, we set and achieve our goals and we set new ones in the process. I am simply grateful for what I have right now. I realize this every day; especially when I overlook the little inconveniences that come my way sometimes.
I have never been too keen on being alone. I am learning to be more comfortable spending time on my own. I have friends who would recommend it to me: "Have a nice dinner alone in a restaurant"; "Go and watch a movie on your own". I haven't gotten THAT comfortable with solitude yet. Does "solitude" have a negative connotation? Maybe it's not the right word for what I am trying to describe here. My husband likes to be alone from time to time. I have learned to respect it and do my best to accommodate it. I do understand!
Another gorgeous day... You laugh because you hear me say that all the time...I just can't get over this weather. Feeling the sun on my skin fills me up with this amazing energy. Warm breeze, blue sky, the green of the palm trees...the colors are amazing. I take in the summery scent in the air...I loved our walk yesterday, we talked and laughed and happiness was clearly present. Then we walked over to the pizzeria in case we burned too many calories. We played pool with friends in the evening...I had lots of fun with you.
I want to let you know that even when we have disagreements, I know how deeply you care about me. I respect our differences. I wonder whether I write or think about our differences too much...but learning to deal with them and to live in harmony is what we do every day. Sometimes consciously, sometimes not even being aware of it. I understand your strong sense of individualism and we know I am the opposite. And it's fine. I feel so loved and cared for like I have never felt before. I appreciate you and your love for me.
We are sitting here next to each other typing on our laptops. Last night, just before we went to bed, we were sitting here next to each other typing on our laptops. It's a lovely sunny day outside. I am getting irritated by having this laptop in my lap. I would like to do something that doesn't involve any computer. That's it, I am getting up, taking a shower and I am going outside. I want to breath some fresh air. I want to feel the sun on my face. I want to walk. I'd like to walk with you.
So I came home today, feeling a bit alien, actually completely alien. I knew it was going to get better sooner or later,...this whole progress, itís natural, isnít it. I have been here for six months now and to my surprise (and at the same time, my expectation), I am still dealing with the transition. New town, new culture, new lifestyle, new cuisine (and culinary customs), new relationship, new husband (I know it sounds funny...I mean...I donít have any ďoldĒ husband -this is my first and last husband), new school, new system, new people...
...New type of social interaction, new dynamics, new customs, new terminology, new everything. I am no stranger to change. Left my hometown thirteen years ago. Still, is it possible that my core is getting softer and more sensitive as I get older? I donít remember crying when I said a word in English and they laughed because it didnít make any sense. So why did I cry today? Was it because the number of things I did the wrong way had accumulated? ? I felt embarrassed, like I just arrived from another planet. I stood out from the crowd...
... Somehow, everybody else knew how to and they did, in silent unison, except me. I said: Itís ok, itís a learning process. Nevertheless, they were helpful to the alien. But I couldnít help the tears coming down my face as I drove home. So when I got back, after I had a bad cigarette on the patio; I sat on the couch and allowed myself a little time of sitting motionlessly. The cat, who felt like the only being at least slightly familiar to me at that moment, lay close by. Somehow, I was grateful for that...
...I sat for a while, tears drying on my face, not wanting to move or get up. I contemplated getting under the covers and closing my eyes. The sun was shining and it was a lovely day outside. Have I ever gone under the covers in situations like this? No, never. I just kept going. Feeling embarrassed? Get over it. So... I listened to the voice saying: Donít be such a wimp! Get up and go on. Itís not like something terrible happened to you. I guess the injustice I felt in the morning was still hovering inside...
...Then the developments of the day made me reach my limit. I mean, getting upset because I wanted to touch you when you wanted to sleep... I know, you have your reasons and just like I have my craziness, you have yours. Anyway... I started my day getting upset in reaction to that and things just went from there. I thought I managed to convince myself that I didnít care, but obviously I still did. Itís ok, next time I will know; I will be familiar with the procedure. And you...I will be more familiar with you.
And here we are playing Scrabble. I love playing games with you. Even though you make me cry sometimes. I know, I am way too sensitive. And you are so considerate...well, sometimes. Now you are not focusing, so it seems like an easy victory for me. I know, you are multitasking. Letís see how that works out for you. I am about twenty points ahead. No, Wyatt is not going to help you, nice try. Oh, now you are waking up...seems like you are making an effort to win. Weíll see who gets the dollar tonight.
So today, I said I would drive to the grocery store to pick up some fresh veggies. It didnít happen. We ended up going to the bar next door to play pool. I had lots of fun baby. You got a mushroom (!) pizza and I ended up eating leftovers from our fridge. I loved that tortellini recipe, FYI. I know, this all seems funny and out of place. Itís just how the day evolved. We both have been productive and it was a good day. I feel a lot of love for you, but thatís no news.
Just came back from Yosemite National Park a couple of days ago. I had such a wonderful time... I had never been too keen on spending too much time in the nature before but I guess I just needed the right inspiration, or maybe the right influence? I couldn't get enough of the breathtaking sceneries and the scent in the air that you can only get in a forest. The new experience brought James and I even closer together; I am so glad I get to learn and explore new places with my husband. I am a very lucky woman.
The Tip Jar