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01/01 Direct Link
The best part of this day is spending time alone with Paul laughing my head off at his stupidity. I love the times we get to be alone and confide in each other. They are few and far between and I hate it. And we broke in the day watching John Wayne movies: Chisum, The Sons of Katie Elder and McLintock. McLintock is my most favorite movie in the whole world that John Wayne ever made. Okay, but now we want to watch True Grit to remember the old movie before the remake comes out in 2011. I can't wait.
01/02 Direct Link
Does any of this ever get easier? Aidan got in trouble for spilling my drink on accident and went to get a towel but I found him in the bathroom just standing there crying. When I told him it was okay and to come help me clean the mess, he did not move. When I asked him what was wrong he whispered "I miss my Daddy." No real sobs, just sad tears of remorse. Yes, it has sunk into his consciousness. Yes, it is affecting him. No, there is nothing I can do for him to make it better. DAMN!
01/03 Direct Link
I talked to Mom for over an hour today. It hurts that Randy sold the house,my childhood house, that we built from the ground up as a family, but it had to be done. I wonder if I'll get money from that and can go visit this year. At the rate I'm going, I'll never get to see my folks before they die. Sucks to be me. I've missed out on so much being out here. What would have happened if I had stayed in Kansas instead of leaving for California so many years ago. I wouldn't have Danielle.
01/04 Direct Link
A new word game and I'll be damned if I can't seem to get onto the webiste to even try it. What the hell is this all about? I click on the game to try again and it goes to some Sushi game that has a lot of cows involved. Whatever. Now I'm pissed and frustrated. I down loaded it and can't pull the suck up to even try to make it work. and band bland brand gland hand land rand sand wand zand grand hey i could do a month of rhyming stuff and plan each day ahead four
01/05 Direct Link
five alive jive hive clive dive drive live contrive (??) is that a word? Okay, so now I see I'm published for December, so I'd better get my thinking cap on and make each word count. It was a great Tuesday, but I wish I could do more at work. Not being able to talk on the phone is causing a lot of problems at work. So many more people are out since this happened. Now, appendicitis has taken out two more customer service representatives. Our boss hurt her back, we think, and can only work four hours a day. Sucks.
01/06 Direct Link
I understand that God has a plan, but I don't understand why Josh had to die to be part of that overall plan. Why can't my daughter be happy? And why can't he take Paulie's worthless brother, a man who steals and lies and makes no contribution to the world? Or me, because I so don't want to be alive anymore. At least if I had died, she would still have her husband by her side. I really and truly wish I could pull the trigger or slice my wrists. That would surely teach those who take me for granted.
01/07 Direct Link
seven heaven leaven eleven Kevin Devin Not much else rhymes with seven that I can think of at the moment. And Paul is complaining about my thinking mode so I can't think anymore. six, slicks, spicks fix, flicks, glicks mix, kicks, Kix twix, tricks, tics vics, vicks hicks, licks, nix, nicks picks, pricks quicks ricks tics wicks dicks, dix THREE tree tee tea twee bee, bea, brie cee, dee, fee, free, flee, flea agree, glee, he, hee, lee me, knee, nee, pea, pee, plea, re, see, sea, she, sheree, ski, spree, snee, vee, wee, we, ye, zee And I done.
01/08 Direct Link
He thought he was dreaming. And he was reveling in the sexual torment until he felt her hands reach underneath him and cup his buttocks and take his hardness down into her throat. DEEP into her throat. It had been so long and felt so good, he moaned and fought the urge to open his eyes. Because if it was a dream, he would be pissed if it went away. Slowly he rose up on his elbows and tried to slide back so he could focus his eyes and watch. Whatever she did at that moment made him cum, gasping.
01/09 Direct Link
NINE fine mine brine dine grind line pine rind stein tine twine blind find mind dined fined lined mined pined twined wined wine combine combined confine confined recline reclined sublime crime dime chime lime mime rhyme slime time thyme climb This is going pretty good, hood, could, would, should, but I keep running out of words that rhyme...oops now we are back at the beginning of the entire thing, bling, ching, ding, fling, cling, sing, sling, sting, ming, ping, ring, ting wing, ling. Is this nonsense helpful in any way? obey bay bray cay clay cray day fillet gray ...
01/10 Direct Link
This morning I realize how angry I am at God for taking my son-in-law. What purpose would it serve to have him in heaven when his young family needs him so much. not a day goes by that I don't cry for my daugher and grandson's heartache. The daughter he waited so long to have will never know him. Aidan will forget him. God not only took the comfort and friendship he gave my daughter, he made sure there would be no reminders of him in the home. Why in the world did he do laundry that morning?
01/11 Direct Link
at bat brat cat dat fat flat frat hat lat mat gnat pat prat plat phat rat sat slat spat scat strat sprat tat that vat bet get het jet let met net pet set vet wet yet it bit brit chit fit flit git hit mit nit pit quit sit slit spit snit split tit twit wit whit zit but cut gut hut jut mut nut put rut strut tut what got hot lot mott not knot bought caught dot fought pot rot sot sought taught tot zot jot cot not bad this morning. At least I got in.
01/12 Direct Link
it's time to go don't ya know your mama's a 'ho life is a blow bow crow doe fo go glow grow go Joe low mow know pro sew sow tow throw whoa yo Dumb bum come from glum hum mum numb plum rum some sum tum yum chum drum algum Writing is a chore, whore, adore, bore adore floor for fore four gore hoar lore more moar nor pour poor pore roar sore soar store spore score swore shore snore tore Thor wore war your yore almost done, bun fun, sun gun hon hun none pun run sun stun
01/13 Direct Link
It hurts to realize one devastating but important thing...I'm not good enough for him. He wants a fantasy woman with blonde hair, big tits and the ability to swallow. He's looking for someone who doe snot exist and is going to waste his life alone because this fantasy woman doesn't exist. What a shame...what a waste of a huge cock. Well, it is his loss. Maybe when we are old and gray we can sit on the porch of the nursing home and irritate each other until we die. We sure won't have any visitors when we do.
01/14 Direct Link
I wish I could go with him. I wish I could just upa nd leave; my conscious won't let me. And in my heart I kknow we are better off as best friends. I miss him already and he isn't gone yet. I dread his leaving. I love him so much it hurts even if it ins't goodbye forever. I'm really, really not happy in this stupid marriage. It is not working out despite my prayers and all that I've done, all I've sacrificed to try and be a good wife, a happy wife, and a nice person of God.
01/15 Direct Link
Four minutes. He was crying and I held him and he held me for four minutes. I smelled his cologne. I touched is hair. I felt his breath on my neck. I absolutely ache for him. I cray inside because I know it that as good as it feels, it will never be. I wonder, does he feel it too? Maybe just an inkling? We WILL be together in our old age: holding hands, laughing, joking, and comforting each other throug the pains of growing old almost alone. How can this be wrong when it feels so very, very right?
01/16 Direct Link
I still believe in God, I just chose not to service him anymore. I chose not to attend church or women's group, or any other small group. i chose to keep to myself and be alone in this world. If God cared, he would not have taken Josh. And if He cared, he would not put me in this farce of a marriage and let me fall in love with somebody else. In the least, he would not allow me to live alone surrounded by so many people. I will not drink, I will not curse, but I will not.....
01/17 Direct Link
It is almost time to say goodbye and as always i ask myself why we can't be together forever and ever We are friends forever lovers in our hearts Walking side by side till death do us part. You make me laugh you make me cry and all i can ask is why live a lie Bitter tears as I watch him leave he's still alive so i must not grieve Live goes on as long as I know he is out there ready and willing I can love him forever \I wish i could forget and never met you.
01/18 Direct Link
Life keeps on going, and everything seems fine, and then I go onto Facebook and read my baby girl's postings. She misses her husband so much...She is so very angry with God...She hurts for her children. I can't say that I blame her, because I am feeling the same way for other reasons: the unfairness of life, the pain of loving somebody so much it hurts. Life sucks, life is unfair, life is wrong and misplaced and I'll be there are others out there who feel the same and don't want to journal about it just in case...
01/19 Direct Link
I picked 12 women who touched my life. I hope I chose the right ones. May my hugs, love, gestures and communications remind you how special you are. May there be peace within. May you believe you are where you are meant to be. Don't forget the infinite possibilities born of faith in yourself. Use the gifts you have to pass on the love I've given you. Be content with yourself as you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul freedom to sing, dance, and love. It is there for each one of us. HuRRAY!!!
01/20 Direct Link
We promised each other a long time ago we would never leave without saying goodbye. I came home to an empty house and the pain stabbed through me like one of your bad jokes. I love you so much. Did I scare you away? Are you really going on a job or are you sleeping in your truck again? Are you really not coming back for six months? Why didn't you stay here until I got home last night? I needed one more hug, one more talking to, and one more kiss before saying goodbye for a while...six months
01/21 Direct Link
There isn't anything i would not do for him. I'd crawl through glass on my belly...ok...maybe. I would give up all I have to be able to make him happier than he has ever been in his life. His choice not to even give me a try...friends forever, lovers at heart, side by side, till death do us part. one won fun bun done gun hon none pun run stun spun ton yun yum dum cum come dumb bum chum gum glum hum mum numb plum rum some sum slum tum thumb I could do this forever.
01/22 Direct Link
weather leather nether whether feather gather Heather rather lather slather rain pain plain plane rain rein seine sane slain spain bane brain cane crane drain grain gain Jane Kane lane main mane complain train twain stain strain snow slow show sow sew schmoe bow beau crow fro flow go glow grow Joe low mow know no po-po yo-yo row roe tow toe throw whoa sprinkle tinkle twinkle crinkle wrinkle sunny funny bunny gunny honey money runny sleet sheet beat beet cheat clete feet fete fleet greet heat meat mete meet neat pleat Pete seat teat treat tweet wheat
01/23 Direct Link
three the tree twee thee tee tea tse-tse be Bea bee brie cee chi dee-a-dee-dee Dee fee free flee gee glee he hee GiGi key lee lea me knee nee pea pee plea safari re sea see spree she Sheree vee wee we wheezey ye zee Ali Sally Mollie jolly golly holly Polly Paulie Rollie collie dolly folly volley Wally Lynnie Winnie Minnie Ninnie Tinny Vinnie chinny alimony palimony twinklie eenie meenie this a lynn ie Money honey bunny funny sunny gunny runny one-y Homey romey stony phoney boney drony homey homely lonely bologna cahoney
01/24 Direct Link
four for fore floor far friar fire bore boar bar briar blare core chore car char care adore ashore amor afore abhor ajar door dire dare affair gore gar glare hore hoar whore hire hair hare jar lore lyre liar lair more moar moor mar mire mare nor ignore nar nair compare poor pour implore par pire empire pare pair roar rare sore soar store spore score shore snore smore swore star scar spar sire spire stare spare share scare snare swear tore Thor tar over thar tire trier tear tare thayer wore war wire wear ware yore you're tsar
01/25 Direct Link
Ilove my cat, Maxx. He has been with us a little over a year now, and I am so glad he chose to stay. He certainly is not mad that I had his balls cut off. I wish I could play with him and not get sick. I'm really jealous that he is so close to Scott but I'm glad they get along. I should have gotten a cat years ago.l..maybe Scott and I would not have had so many problems if we had an extra child to enjoy when everybody else was gone gone gone gone gone.
01/26 Direct Link
Scott is going to graduate from school tomorrow. I'm a bit disappointed that he has been applying for work at window businesses. I want him to let that go and move on to embrace a REAL, full time job that pays on a regular basis. Then, when he betrays me and lies about his income, I have leverage that will back me up and get him the hell out of my life. I'm so tired of the lies and misunderstandings because he doensnt' give a damn and won't listen to me when I give him instructions. He finall mailed unemployment.
01/27 Direct Link
I would like to go to boot camp. It will help me lose weight and get more focused. And I need something to do to distract myself from all the busyness going on in my head. I wish the anger I have inside would go away. I read a sultry book and am soooooo damn horny it is not funny. Could it be that it is truly time for me to move on? Do I really want to stay in this neighborhood when I've been humiliated yet again by this idiot husband of mine. Could I move on to another?
01/28 Direct Link
My heart is thumping in my chest like it never has before. I can't agree he agreed to meet me, spend time with me and just be alone with me. At first he thought Danielle and the kids were involved, and I was sure I had lost him but he agreed to meet him. I bribed him with beer and it was a lot of fun. I really love being with him and listening to him and being serious about life together. I wish I could do something about his moving in with his folks. This is how it began.
01/29 Direct Link
I can't stop thinking about him. I know it is silly, but he makes me feel good about myself and I forget about wanting to die. He touches my hands and makes me laugh. He willing to be seen in public with me and even holds my hand. It was neat to be in the arcade and watch him play Galaga. It made me feel young again, a teenager, watching her high school boyfriend play. He got the highest score on the game, It will be interest to go back next week and see if the intitals are still there.
01/30 Direct Link
I went to bed thinking about him and I woke up thinking about him. Sex with my husband had me fantasizing it was him instead. Not so bad, but I still didn't get my orgasm. Would I get that with him? he doesn't seem intersted in getting somebody else off, only himself. I have to remind myself I'm not what he is looking for in a woman. I want a companion, he wants a sex slave. I'm too old to be a sex slave. I just want to enjoy life with him and explore the world. Can it be true?
01/31 Direct Link
Today is the last day of January. The days of typing mumbo jumbo on this site are gone. My goal for February is to submit good stuff, golden stuff, inspirational stuff. People do read this stuff and it needs to be a better demonstration of the type of writer I am. I have established what a screwed up mess I am, not it is time to flaunt my abilities as a writer. Good or bad, it must be presented. does anybody read my writings? I have no way of knowing. I would like some feedback on occassion. Help me, please.