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05/01 Direct Link

We were walking through a field today, when a cloud of sickly sweet perfume hit us in the face. Except;

1. There were no people around
2. The vegetation showed no signs of having been disturbed by energetic lovers

As we’d just been commenting on how the nice countryside smell of manure, this sudden change stuck us as strange, and so we spent the next fifteen minutes trying to determine what the smell was.
The fence smelt pleasant, like steam trains, the stream smelt of decay, the vegetation smelt vegetation-y. 

Thus, it remained the mystery of the field behind Radwinter church.

05/02 Direct Link

I understand the futility of it all.

I love staring up at the stars and thinking, I am just 1  6,697,254,041th of this earth, and this earth is less than a ninth of our solar system, and our solar system is one of... a lot of solar systems in our universe. Maybe we are even smaller than that.

Knowing that, if I died, the majority of the world would never know, nor care, makes my life feel like a whisper of existence, a secret imparted unto only those I wish to impart it to. To me, that’s the best part.

05/03 Direct Link

'I had a conversation with you last night,
It was a little one sided but that's all right,
I tell you in the kitchen about my day,
You sit on the bed in the dark changing place,
With the ghost that was there before you came,
You've come to save my life again.

I don't dare to touch your hand,
I don't dare to think of you,
In a physical way,
And I don't know how you smell,
You are the cover of my magazine,
You're my fashion tip, a living museum,
I'd pay to visit you on rainy Sundays,
And maybe tell you all about it, someday.'

Belle & Sebastian, Funny Little Frog

05/04 Direct Link

I don't have time to do anything anymore. I definitely don't have time to write 100 words. I'm only carrying on with this batch because I don't want another unfinished batch cluttering up my entries. I don't understand why all the unfinished batches are kept really. It was nice to have them kept so that I could reuse the entries that never were, but I reckon a month would do. Now they just sit and laugh mockingly at my inability to complete a task. All I want to write at the moment is Belle & Sebastian lyrics, but that’s cheating.

05/05 Direct Link

I’m really craving a holiday at the moment, especially when writing practice essays on 'To Kill a Mockingbird' (excellent book though it is). If I had a choice, I’d go back to Morocco. It is the most beautiful country I have ever experienced: you don't visit Morocco, you experience it. The only word I can think of to do it justice is magical; the heat, the smell of spices and raw meat, the bright fabrics and paints, the tinny music of the snake charmer; the beautiful shouts of exotic tongues, the amazing food... I've truly never experienced anything like it.

05/06 Direct Link

A message (to anyone still reading):

I'm sorry if you've been disappointed. You probably have. In this case, I suggest you come back in a few months when I've got a little better at this.

If however, like me, you read these for a little insight into the life of a complete stranger, here is an insight.

I only seem to listen to: Belle & Sebastian/The Smiths/Regina Spektor

Keep rewatching: (500) Days of Summer/Amélie/The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy

Loved reading: Lolita/The Perks of Being a Wallflower/The Secret History

You probably know me pretty well now. Thanks for your time.

05/07 Direct Link
What happens to those kids on Super Sweet 16? The really bitchy ones; the ones that make their own stylists and hair-and-make-up people walk out? I mean, do they actually find time to study between screaming at their parents and throwing hissy-fits because Daddy bought the wrong Porsche? Don't get me wrong, I love them. What else would I watch on a Friday evening at 7 o'clock? But I mean, does anyone actually employ them? 

I suppose they'll become the singers, actresses, actors, rappers and celebrities of tomorrow. But can you really imagine it?
05/08 Direct Link

All I do these days is procrastinate. Procrastinate, procrastinate, procrastinate. I need to write 100words? Hell, I'll just go on facebook. I need to do some work? Hell, I'll just write 100words. I need to practise my sax? Hell, I'll just do some work. I need to ring someone/email someone/do some homework/do anything? Hell, I'll just practise my sax. Are you busy on thursday? Well, I've got an exam on Friday and I've hardly done any revision, but naaah, of course I'll go to the cinema. Man, I really, really, really, really, really need to do some work. Oh well.

05/09 Direct Link

One of my favourite places on earth is the Shakespeare & Co bookshop in Paris. If you’re ever in Paris you must visit it. It’s a timeless, tiny empire of books in the middle of busy Paris. The whole place is filled floor-to-ceiling with books, every corner crammed full. Most are second-hand; some are new. All the books are in English, and the shop is run by friendly American students. Upstairs, there is a 'reading room' with an old piano, where you can stay for hours on end, reading the stacks of books you’ll find yourself surrounded with. It’s beautiful.

05/10 Direct Link

A Series of Unrelated Thoughts.

I keep writing in the style of the last person I have read, and this annoys me.

This month I am finding it easier than ever to just sit down and write and write and write (although as usual I am behind)

I keep fantasising that I tell you to shut up (and stop worrying) and then kiss you (briefly). I feel you may be offended by the ‘shut up’.

It is that time of year when you feel that really, you should have the heating off (but as a result it’s bloody freezing everywhere).

05/11 Direct Link

I went through this freaky phase of zero concentration, and wrote this, but couldn't even read it (honestly!). That was how zoned out I was.

The stars stretch out across the bloodied sky;
The wounds we left with words misplaced. Alone
We crawled across the shredded planes of life.
Together, leaving footprints in the dust;
The dust obscuring thoughts and words we never said.
Misguided souls together, alone at last.
Whilst others searched for something never found,
We found our feet; walking to the edge 
We drowned our feelings in the mists of time.
Leaving dew drops on the parched and scarred ground.
05/12 Direct Link

I have one day of school left.

 
I have tried very hard not to become attached to people. I was doing pretty well for the last couple of years, but it seems I have failed. Just saying goodbye to a couple of teachers cast a veil of melancholy over my evening. I have had to give up on my dream of going to sixth form at the coolest college ever, simply because I cannot face leaving everyone. Who is this soft hearted person that has taken over from me? It's amazing how much has changed in the last year.
05/13 Direct Link

You always want Harry and Sally to sleep together, yet you know when they do a precious thing that they once had will be lost forever. And so it is. When Harry Met Sally isn’t a romantic comedy, it’s a romantic tragedy. Yes yes yes, I know it’s all happy and perfect in the end, but is it? The whole film’s built to disprove that men and women can ever just be friends, but isn’t this a sad message? Wouldn’t it be lovely if they have the perfect partner as well as the perfect friend?

Maybe I’m just being naive...

05/14 Direct Link

I went to three parties today, which must be a personal record. First, a barbecue at a friend’s, which was really nice, and I remembered how much I loved barbecues. Then gathering number two, which was louder and a little dizzying, but fun nonetheless. Having exhausted gathering number two, we snuck off to one of these 'whole year' parties that we get invited to now. A disappointment really: it turns out they’re just a bunch of people getting wasted in the local park, which isn't really our thing, so we went home. Do these people really do this every Friday?

05/15 Direct Link

Melancholy. My new favourite word. I find it a beautiful word; hauntingly beautiful, perhaps due what it portrays. When I am feeling melancholy, I take solace in the exquisiteness of the word. I like to roll it around in my mouth. Melancholy: a wonderfully selfish mood, where one can listen to compellingly sad music, cry their tear ducts dry about nothing and everything, and wallow in self-pity. Naturally, at the time it feels like the earth is crumpling around you, like everything is broken and there is no time left to fix it. But still I find it strangely beautiful.

05/16 Direct Link

I wonder who I'll marry. Will he have brown/ black/ red hair? No, I've never been attracted to a guy with ginger hair (although I want ginger hair myself). Blonde hair? (I can't see the blonde hair thing, but hey, it could happen). Will his hair be straight, or curly? Will his eyes be blue, green, grey, hazel, brown, another colour?  How old will he be when he had his first kiss? What was her name? Will he be a books person or a films person? Will he be a music person? An art person? Will he play an instrument?

05/17 Direct Link
It's summer!

Well technically, no, it's not summer, as my boyfriend keeps telling me, but who cares? It's sunny, warm, beautiful, I'm sitting here in a sleeveless top and skirt, eating crisps out of a bowl (food is always better in a bowl - a proven fact) and listening to Belle & Sebastian (again). A spider is trying to get into the crisp packet. It is a cute little thing, which I don't believe anyone could ever be scared of. It keeps me company while I write, and despair at how pathetically bad I am at keeping up with my 100words.
05/18 Direct Link
I think I must be the happiest person in the world.

It's the first day of my exams, and my first is in an hour in a half. in the last couple of weeks I have written realms and realms on Christian attitudes this, do you agree with this statement about abortion that, and I have now decided to give up and go back to looking at pretty things on the internet, listening to wonderful music and dancing around the house. And eating birthday lollipops. If I fail, I fail, but I will be happy (until I get the results...)
05/19 Direct Link

An irritating feeling of unproductiveness: I trudge off to the library, where, strangely, I bump into both my boyfriend and my best friend. Seemingly, these people are more productive than me. I have to wear my smelly shoes because they are the only ones in the house, and I can smell them for the whole two hours, despite the extortionate amounts of deodorant I keep covering them with, and it is rather off-putting and a little embarrassing. Then the nice library lady walks past and asks us to kindly 'wipe the desks down before you leave with these antiseptic wipes'.

05/20 Direct Link

The people in the library are starting to get to know me. They walk past and make comments like 'Ooh, you're working hard there' and ‘Don’t work too hard!’ (I suppose I did write four essays...). It's a shame though, I was starting to enjoy the anonymity of the place -- note to self: there's no anonymity in a small town.

It's fair enough though; I recognise almost all the employees after just four days. There's the Muse fan, the slightly haughty woman who's daughter seems to phone her up for absolutely everything, and the brown haired lady, who seems friendly. 

05/21 Direct Link

On receipt of the four essays, my English teacher emailed back with '4 essays??!? Get a life!!’ It is possible that she has a point. No more essays.

The problem is, I vowed to myself that I’d read no non-English literature exam related books until after the English literature exam. Without books I don’t know what to do. You can only read ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’ and ‘Lord of the Flies’ so many times; and the only other option is ‘A Coral Island’. Still, you can never go back on a vow, so four more book free days it is.

05/22 Direct Link

Worrying is really a big old waste of time.

Me, I don't worry. Frankly I have better, more rewarding things to do with my life. I have a talent for pushing things to the back of my mind and singing and dancing around the house instead.

Occasionally this tactic fails and I go around worrying and fretting and tearing at the walls of my head, and when I realise I had absolutely nothing to worry about at all I feel annoyed and a little stupid.

I don’t fully understand people who worry. I mean, worrying won’t change anything, will it?

05/23 Direct Link

It seems everyone around me is worrying, and they all want to tell me about their worries in great detail. It is sad that people are worrying. If they took all the energy they spend worrying and used it to help the problem about which they worry, they may find that they no longer have cause to worry. However I realise it is easier said than done, and I will admit that I am worrying about my history exam a little (although possibly not enough). I just don’t like the feeling of worrying, and so I just don’t do it.

05/24 Direct Link
I need to write my last 200 words before the batch closes. I really do. I have nothing to write, and I am tired. I am tired of trying to memorise the key dates in the Battle for the Plains between the Native Indians and the US Army. Did you know that Little Crow's War was in 1862? Did you know that I have been repeating that to myself all day, yet I still had to check my 'dates poster'? My exam is in 5 days. I shouldn't panic. I'm not panicking, I am too tired. I do not care anymore.
05/25 Direct Link

Grumbles of a solitary walker.

1.       Some roads are used so little that they become invisible to the average driver. This is forgivable, but I’ve become complacent in their games; someone really did want to go down that road today, and looked pretty pissed when he had to break to avoid me. I admit this is my own fault.

2.       It would be nice if pedestrians instinctively knew the direction a car wished to travel in, but we don’t (at least not yet), so please indicate.

3.       I was waiting at the traffic lights for seven minutes. A little excessive, no?

05/26 Direct Link
In primary school, my best friend and I used to make up little crushes for ourselves so we could feel grown up. Often they were the same boys: we had four at once at one point.

The first time I really went a little crazy over a boy was in year five with a boy called Joe. I remember gabbling on about him in a pub to my family, before sighing and collapsing in a heap. I got put next to him in maths, and was disappointed when I found out that up close I didn't really like him anymore.
05/27 Direct Link

I am not good with people, new people in particular. There's a French organist staying with us and it is vraiment awkward. Il a l'air d'etre sympa (well, nice looking anyway...), but I can never bring myself to talk to him. I smile at him every time our eyes meet, and he always smiles back. (I am very bad with good looking people, even when they have pregnant Russian wives - It's a miracle I ever managed to talk to one long enough to get a boyfriend). Generally I rush a 'bonjour' and stare at my toes for a while.

05/28 Direct Link

Some updates

I got new shoes and threw out the smelly ones.

I broke my vow to not read any non-English-Lit related books. I felt my English teacher had a point when she told me to get a life.

My English teacher was worried she’d offended me with said comment. I assured her she hadn’t.

I am many, many, many days behind. As per usual.

I’ve never understood the phrase ‘as per usual’. I find the ‘per’ totally useless and do not understand why it is there, but it sounds fancy. I also do not understand the phrase ‘per se’.

05/29 Direct Link

Reasons for happiness

I have an amazing boyfriend, who appears to love me even while I fret over nothing and everything.

There’s a bright blue sky and the sun is shining.

I only have a week and a day left of exams.

After this week and a day of exams, I will have three months of delectable summertime, free from pretty much everything.

The library has many amazing CDs for (only) a pound each.

I bought a very nice dress today.

I now have some sunglasses, and so can see in the sun (which is plentiful).

I’m not very sunburnt.

05/30 Direct Link

Reasons for sadness (or mild annoyance)

I will not see this boyfriend for another two weeks.

It is now raining, hard.

I still have 7 exams left, and am likely not do very well in History, and thus not get into Oxford.

I have spent £6 (which I don’t have) on CDs.

I have no free time, but seem to think I do and so am no way revising enough.

I spent even more money I do not have on the dress.

I cannot wear my sunglasses because of aforementioned rain.

I am really behind with these 100 words. AGAIN.

05/31 Direct Link

So I walk up to the front steps, to find them covered in onion pasty. Strange? Very. 

We live at the top of a steep drive. I am home alone for the week (well, my friend is staying over for the week) and neither of us have had any pasties. In fact, I have never had a pasty, and all the food she has eaten this week has come from me or Boots, and she has consumed no pasties. Furthermore, the bits of pasty weren’t on the step this morning after the postman came, and nothing has been delivered since...