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11/01 Direct Link
'You ever think that maybe this whole place is just a dream?'

'Not really.'

'Really? You've never once bothered to question the reality of your own existance?'

'Oh no, I have. And I think I have conclusive proof that I can't be dreaming. That my life must be real.'

'And why is that?'

'Because if I was dreaming, then everything would be much nicer.'

'Oh come on!'

'I'm serious! If I were dreaming, why do I dream of these feelings, these thoughts? Why am I not happy all the time? Why isn't life easy? I can't be dreaming. I can't.'
11/02 Direct Link
I don't know why people don't seem to like me. I try my best to be nice. I've started going and giving everyone I meet a hug, but all they do is hug their coats tighter, pull thier scarfs in closer. Shut me out.

I make little portraits in frost. So tiny and perfect. People just step on them. Smother them away without even stopping to look at what I have created.

Summer has it easy. Everyone loves him.

But I make it snow! Everyone loves snow, right? It makes the world pretty, right?

Right?

I just want some love...
11/03 Direct Link
There was a fire. It was orange and yellow, if you just looked at it. But if you looked between those colours, looked at the gaps in those burning, dancing, obvious colours, there was more. So much more.

There were blues and greens and purples. All those quieter, smaller, gentler colours transformed into a roaring beast that lashed out at the crates, tore them apart and then, back to the sky, reaching out to where those fireworks had once sparkled and punched holes through the clouds, punched holes in your eyes whilst you stood there, drinking in all the colours.
11/04 Direct Link
I was walking along, head turning to look at all the various buildings, when I felt a small hand take hold of mine.

It belonged to a monkey who gazed intently at my face.

'Hey.' I said. 'What's up?'

'I'm here to look after you.' Said the monkey.

'Why, that's very kind of you.'

'No worries. I'm your spiritual advisor.'

'So, what, you're going to tell me how to live better?'

'Pretty much. And I already have a piece of advice.'

'Which is?'

'Stop talking to me. Nobody else can see me, and people are staring.'

'Ah, I see. Thanks.'
11/05 Direct Link

all i want is for you to notice me i mean i just want to talk to you i like talking to you and thought that maybe you liked talking to me maybe i have done something wrong and if that is the case and i can only apologise and apologise again and hope that maybe you can forgive me because i really like you and i really want to be friends with you its just im not very good at talking but i could listen to you all day just so you know i really could and be happy

11/06 Direct Link
'So here's where I think you're going wrong,' said my spiritual advisor as he clung to my back, 'I think that you need to try and be more sociable.'

'I thought that you were my spiritual advisor? Socialising seems a more...worldly thing.'

'Only by achieving balance in all things can one finally reach the highest spiritual plane.'

'If you say so.'

'So, the thing is, you need to not be too scared of talking to people. You know, they may actually like seeing you. But sometimes, you need to take the initiative. Put yourself out there. Be more active.'
11/07 Direct Link
'I know I should. I just have a hard time believing that people like me.'

'I know. But if you keep believing that, who's that going to help? No one. So just try it. You go and say hello instead of waiting for others to always do it for you.'

'I'll give it a go.'

'Good. Because you being alone is not a good idea.'

'What do you mean?'

'I know what happens when you're alone. Dark little sordid thoughts worm their way to the surface of your mind. And that's not good for spiritual enlightenment.'

'Not good at all.'
11/08 Direct Link
Abandon me to the world.

Allow the wind to wrap itself around my frame, bite into my bones and gnaw at the nerves that run through me.

Let the frost freeze my eyelids shut. Crusted over. No longer useful. Saw through my fingers and drill into my lips.

Stare on as the rain punches my clothes, spits in my hair, slobbers all over my face.

This body is not worth looking after. It does not need to be preserved, cared for, loved in any way. It doesn't want these things. It doesn't mind that you have left it to rot.
11/09 Direct Link
'You know, you have a very pretty smile. I just though that you should know that. This isn't some kind of...chat up line or whatever. It's just the truth. I think that sometimes, we can get so focused on the things that we screw up, on our physical imperfections that we forget that, actually, there are nice points about us.That we can do stuff. That we are special people who deserve to be loved. So I just thought that I would remind you that you have a really nice smile. Really pretty. The nicest I have ever seen.'
11/10 Direct Link
'That's really kind of you to say so. I mean, I do get those feelings. Of worthlessness and sadness. All for no good reason. But they still come, still knock on my brain and weasel their way in. And I've never felt comfortable in my body. It's always seemed...I don't know...wrong. Like it was put together by someone who only had a vague idea of what to do. But to say that I have a pretty smile is very lovely of you. I think it shows that you have a pretty mind. So thank you for your mind.'
11/11 Direct Link
There is a pain in my back, right near my left shoulder. I don't know what I've done to hurt it. I think it's the cold weather. It always happens in the cold weather.

It feels like there is a dog made of fire trying to bite and tear its way to the surface of my skin. It feels like it is succeeding.. 

***

The rain fell, in the same usual manner. Always down. Always with a lack of care, a lack of occasion. Just once, it should rain with purpose. With golden droplets the danced down. Gently. Perfectly.
11/12 Direct Link
'...and that's why I don't really talk to him any more.'

'Huh.'

'What? What's wrong?'

'Oh, nothing. It's just...I don't know. I guess I admire you for being in a position where you can refuse human contact. I mean, if it were me, I would try and patch things up as soon as possible. Because, you know, I really like people talking to me. And not many people do it. So I have to try everything I can to keep the friends I make. Whereas it seems that you're so popular, you can afford to ignore people. It's good.'
11/13 Direct Link
'So here we are. We're outside her door.'

My spiritual advisor was holding my hand.

'All you have to do is knock. Just knock.'

'But what if she's busy?'

'Then she'll tell you to go away. What's wrong with that?'

'I don't know. I just don't want to bother her.'

'No, you can't be bothered to bother her.'

'I'm scared.'

'Of what?'

'Rejection. She doesn't want to see me.'

'Well, she won't with that attitude. People want to be around positive people. So be more positive. Be nice and happy and funny. Then she'll be very glad to see you.'
11/14 Direct Link
My God, you lift me up, take me to some higher form of redemption. You have no idea. You let your hands gently trace the lines in my face and help the corners of my lips grow, unfurl into a smile, rosebud lips shuddering in the light of your face.

I can feel you at the edge of my fingertips, dancing through my veins, playfully plucking my nerves. Giving me the energy I need to take another step, lift these feet of the sunken stones of this world.

My God, you have no idea how God-like you really are.
11/15 Direct Link
'Why do I insist on making myself melancholy?'

'Because you want to be loved. So you run to places where you think you can be loved, or where you remember being loved. And those places make you melancholy, because they just remnants of love. Old rusted monuments that once meant something, but who's origins are lost in time's kingdom.'

'So how do I escape?'

'Find other people to love you.'

'Oh, it's that simple, is it?'

'I know it's hard. But it can, and it will, happen.'

'And how do you know?'

'I know all there is.' 
11/16 Direct Link
According to my psychology tutor, people who are introverted tend to be more preceptive when it comes to light stimulus. So they notice things in more detail than extroverts.

So does being introverted mean you notice things more, or does noticing things more make you introverted? Which comes first, not liking being the centre of attention, or the ability to notice the little things that would normally escape the attention of a louder person?

Which would you prefer? The ability to talk easily, or the ability to detect a part of the world that other people can rarely see?

Which?
11/17 Direct Link
'You see? It didn't work. She didn't want to see me.'

My spiritual advisor sighed.

'She had a legitimate reason. It's not because she hates you. She just needed to do something. That's all.'

'And how do you know that she wasn't just using that as an excuse not to meet up?'

'Why would she?'

'Because she hates me!'

'You need to get out of this attitude. People do actually like you. But if you keep thinking that people hate you, then eventually they will. You need to start loving yourself.'

'That's what hippies say.'

'I am a hippy, idiot.'
11/18 Direct Link
Now time to cut to my usual refrain, 
All I have is too much work
And a sleep-deprived brain.

Sleep, my muse, you tease my poor thoughts. Throughout lectures, all I think of is you. You rob my mind of sense, you leave me breathless, helpless, trapped in a vacuum, twirling towards destruction, all because of my love for you.

Sleep, darling. Please. Put me out of my misery. Let me fall into your arms. Let me take you to my bed. I need to feel your embrace, your kiss. My love, please, give me my rest once again.
11/19 Direct Link
I held a human brain. An actual human brain. It was surprisingly heavy and smooth.

It was strange, thinking that the brain in my hands used to be active. That someone thought with it. That it generated ideas and helped make sense of the world. It was just a lump of flesh. Nothing special.

Then there was the face. An actual face, attached to actual arms, and nothing else. I had a small panic attack, breathing became harder, the world seemed lighter. I had to grip the table for support, whilst nodding along to the lecturer pointing out various structures.
11/20 Direct Link
If I could get all the stuff that I feel inside on the outside then...well...I think most people would run away. Screaming. There would be fires. Manic laughter. Clowns with sad faces popping animal balloons. A small child rocking in the corner. A high-pitched whine that eats away at your nerves.

But if I could show you the things that go on inside of me when I see you. Well. I don't know what you would do. 

There would be laughter. Glittering, sparkling flowers. Giggling children playing. The most delectable of music stroking your hair. 
11/21 Direct Link
'You know, I'm not really sure this is the best time to be questioning life-choices.'

'But I honestly don't know if this is what I want to do! I mean, I like some of it. Lots of it. But there's just so much!'

'You've already put lots of work into this. You can't just throw it all away now.'

'And why not? Why not? Why can I not just leave and, I don't know, travel for a year, maybe two, then come back and open a flower shop?'

'Because that would be stupid.'

'But it would be so nice!'
11/22 Direct Link
I'll get there, one day. Just got to keep trying. I will get there, eventually. No point in getting upset. Just keep on trying. You'll get there. You're bound to get there. You just need to keep on trying. Work a little bit harder. Maybe stay up a bit later. You'll get there, don't worry about it. Everyone struggles at first, but they always get better. They get there. And you will do to, one day. Maybe just read things more thoroughly, look over everything one more time. You'll get there. One day. Keep trying hard and you'll get there.
11/23 Direct Link
'Hey, spiritual advisor?'

'Yeah?'

'You know fireworks?'

'I'm aware of them.'

'I really like them.'

'Well, they are very pretty.'

'But it's more than that. It's what they represent, you know? Like, humans don't have to screw everything up.'

'How's that?'

'Well, we've made an explosive device, not to kill someone, but to be pretty. Really pretty. Beautiful, even. A firework has no other purpose than to be beautiful and make people happy. Which is really, really wonderful, when you think about it. Just making people happy.'

'It really is.'

'I wish I could do that, you know?'

 

 
11/24 Direct Link
'David?'

'Yes spiritual advisor?'

'I have to tell you something.'

'Go on.'

'I'm...going to have to leave you.'

'Why?'

'It seems my time with you is up. There is nothing left for me to do.'

'Are you saying I'm ready?'

'Oh dear me no. But you're more ready than you were. And you're ready enough to not have me hanging around you all the time. So I guess you're ready to be ready.'

'Well, thank you for all the help you have given me.'

'No worries. Goodbye'

And with that, he slid off my back, and was gone forever. 

11/25 Direct Link
I'm on fire and it's burning like a fire always does and it just keeps on going right there right inside of me and I can't control it I've tried honest to God I've tried and I really want to be able to but I can't it's just too strong and powerful and it tugs and lashes out like some uncaged animal like a tiger and it's ripping my chest to shreds and I can't care I don't care because you are here right in the middle of this fire and I will happily burn my soul just for you.
11/26 Direct Link
'Do you ever think that we think too much?'

'What do you mean?'

'That we over think everything to point that we immobilise ourselves and our ability to act. We're so busy playing through the various scenarios in our heads that we forget to ever play the real one. We spend so much time trying to figure our how to live, that we never get round to it.'

'So what should we do? Just do things without any thought?'

'I don't know. Maybe.'

'You need to think about it some more?'

'Shut up.'

'As you wish.'  
11/27 Direct Link
Someone just gave me a drawing of some flowers. 

A few weeks ago, they were doing a performance. A play combining all the Shakespeare tragedies. So I brought them some flowers before the opening night as a good luck present. 

And now, just before I head off to play at St Anne's college, they came in and gave me a picture of some flowers, because they forgot to buy me some actual ones. I think this is possibly the sweetest thing that anyone has ever done fore me. It's made me very happy. Very happy.

Thank you.
11/28 Direct Link
I have just finished my last piece of work for this term. You have no idea how lovely it is to write that. No idea at all.

It seems to have gone so quickly. Like I've only just arrived here. 

 I still have a chocolate bar which I was given on my third day. I'm sorry for neglecting you chocolate bar, but I've been really busy for a really long time. It's probably best for both of us if I just throw you away. To pretend that I'm going to do anything else would just prolong the pain.
11/29 Direct Link
I would just like to apologise for this month. I feel as if this has been more of a diary than an opportunity to write creatively. Which isn't really a bad thing. Just not an interesting thing, as my life tends to be rather dull.

And it's not what I want to do. I want to write poetically and with imagaination. And I've pretty much failed for this month. It feels like it's all gone wrong here. Like I've changed. Like I can't write like I used to any more.

I'm sure next month will be better. I am sure.
11/30 Direct Link
This is my last day. Tomorrow, I return home. To sleep. To work. Mainly to sleep, but I do need to work.

It seems so strange. For 8 weeks, I've been living with strangers in a close environment, and now I'm not going to see them for 6 weeks. I was just getting used to the whole set up.

I really am looking forward to sleep. I haven't seen her for a long time. I just want to fall back into her arms and hold her close and run away to the land of dreams. Just run away forever.