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01/01 Direct Link
'I had this dream.'

'Right.'

'And in this dream, I was a woman.'

'A woman?'

'A woman. And, well...this man was having sex with me.'

'That must have been strange.'

'It was. We were in school, and he was having sex with me. Although, I didn't want to do it with him. It hurt. Really badly. And I wanted to cry. In the end, I ran away, feeling ashamed and lonely and like I was covered in dirt.'

'Strange dream.'

'It was. And it made me realise something.'

'What was that?'

'I hate men. We just screw everything up.'
01/02 Direct Link
There is a fly on my wall, and he's looking at me in an accusatory way.

His (for only a man could hold such hatred for a stranger) bulbous eyes focus on me for minutes at a time. Then he will drunkenly zip around my head, diving at my nose and ears.

What have I done, fly? What is it that this particular man has screwed up?

The fly offers nothing in reply. He just clings to the wall, looking down at me. His silence burns my skull and eats at my liver.
 
I want him gone.    
01/03 Direct Link
What is it you want, you lumbering human?

He (for only a man could have such burning anger in his eyes) swats at me, his clumsy limbs flailing in the dank light of the evening.

He regards me with hate. He sees me as a horrific monster. I have done nothing to deserve this. I think I have done nothing to deserve this.

I have done something to deserve this.

He looks up at me, like a devil inspecting a new soul. I fly to him and am rejected.

Am I so far gone that even Hell spits me out?
01/04 Direct Link
The clocks kept ticking at me. Biting away at my life. Scratching at the little time I had left.

The clocks mocked me. Their hands waved goodbye to my present and tugged me into history. They smiled sardonically, enjoying the pain that they made me suffer.

I sat there, listening to the sand run through my egg-timer, hearing my breaths live and die, hearing, always hearing, the ticking and tocking of the clocks.

I did the only sensible thing that I could do. The only rational thing. I took every clock, and smashed them into tiny, insignificant fragment.

Tick...
01/05 Direct Link
The world really is a beaautiful place, when you get right down to it.

I like trees. Even when they loose all their leaves. Some people think that they look dead and broken and neglected. I think they are just sleeping, talking a rest. Dormant until the time that they need to explode into green.

Winter isn't a dead month. It's a month where everything slows down, changes pace and generally says 'There's no need to rush'. I love it. Love the colours and the sentiment and the biting cold.

I don't really understand people who don't like the winter.
01/06 Direct Link
ANOTHER THING THAT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND...

Being mean.

I just don't understand why people are mean to each other.

Some of my friends think I am too nice. Even my mother has voiced this opinion on occassion.

Since when did niceness become and undesirable characteristic trait? I like being nice. I like being nice to people who I do an don't know. It makes me feel good. I makes me feel nice. Nice is nice.

Being mean is not nice. It does not make me feel nice. It makes me feel like a little, petualnt child. Which isn't nice.
01/07 Direct Link
I'll write about you, even though I have no idea who you are.

I was just looking at the sunset, the pink and red spreading like wings across the sky and purple blue black clouds pulling themselves along without any haste. The bare branches of trees, silhouttes in the light, reaching to the sky in praise.

I was just thinking how nice it would be for you to be here, to share this with you. Comment on the colours and the beauty, then say some subversive statement to make you laugh.

I'm smiling more. I wish you could see it.
01/08 Direct Link
THE BOOK OF INSOMNIA

1. And lo, it came to pass, that during the third reign of the coalition, there was a great calamity brought upon the wicked people of the household of Budd

2.. For their wickedness, God had cursed those in that household, that they may never sleep for the remainder of their days

3. And this caused great wailing and gnashing of teeth amongst them

4. Yea, they cried mightly unto God, saying 'Please let us sleep, for verily, we are not built for late nights'

5. Yet God was deaf to the pleas, and continued to punish them in this way.
01/09 Direct Link
Blackbirds shouldn't be called blackbirds. Not really.

They only look black when you don't bother to look at them. When your eye casually strolls over the landscape, taking nothing in. When your mind is too cluttered, stopping you seeing what is really there.

When you really look at blackbirds, they are full of rainbows. They suggestively shine over their feathers, bursting out when you least expect it.

Blackbirds radiate rainbows, when you care to take the time to look at them properly.

Blackbirds are beautiful. I could study one all day if they'd let me. If they didn't fly off.
01/10 Direct Link
I'm back looking out the window, and it is still beautiful.


The sky has sucked itself into a blackness, with a strip of bashfull orange and unassuming yellow providing a stark contrast. The outline of the trees provide a relief against the eternity of the sky.

I love this view. I have sat here, with my work, with my computer, looking out of this window for years. I have written about it on here. I have used it as inspiration. This window, this view has seen me at my best and worse.

I will miss it when I'm gone. 
01/11 Direct Link
The knife-teeth of the monsterous, gargantuan machine slowly enclose the earth. It waits, then bites, tearing at the ground, ripping apart the soil and grass.

This metalic monster raises its head, spitting out the debris with contempt, vomiting its meal before it once again closes in for another kill.

The silence seems wrong. There should be noise. Screams of pain, of protest. There should be condemnation and shouts of horror as the earth is raped.

All I can do is stand there and watch. I'm meant to find some beautiful nature to write about. It is not here anymore.
01/12 Direct Link
THE BOOK OF INSOMNIA CHAPTER II

1. And lo and behold, a might prophet came out of the land.

2. And his name thereof was DAVID.

3. And DAVID prophised greatly, saying 'If this lack of sleep should continue to grip the land, there will be much sorrow in the land, for the peoples of this earth tend to become grumpy through lack of sleep thereof'

4. Yea, and verily, this surely came to pass, that in the morrow, when they rose, all the inhabitants of the land thereof were grumpy and mean and lo, a darkness fell on the land thereof.
01/13 Direct Link
Laughing. Light finkling through the windows, jumping into the retina and all you can do it laugh.

The world is a bright, wonderful, light-pervading place full of sweetness and grass-growing hopes and laughter.

The laughter gently swooped through the air, dancing from the lips and tickling the ears of all those who heard.

That's not strictly true, of course. Nobody really heard it. But they would have enjoyed it if they had. One has a tendency to over-romanticise certain situations.

Nevertheless, the laughter was there, and it was lovely. It's true. You do have to love life.
01/14 Direct Link
Teeth dancing on a red hilltop, twirling around in each other's arms, chittering and chattering like mice.

Two rows of pink trees, tinged with red leaves flow, river-like, in an oval. Always meeting and never ending, branches never sheding.

Sounds, emerge from the trees, lyrical and musical and ever so simple. They take wings and fly, circle overhead, then plummet back down to earth with a thrilling vitality.

These lips are your lips, these teeth your teeth and these sounds your sounds.

It is the sound of life. Wonderous, momentous life.

I have never felt so happy.
01/15 Direct Link
Madmen, drummers, bummers and Indians in the summer with...

'You know, the guy who plays the sax on this track is dead.'

'That's cheerful.'

'It really is, isn't it?'

'How so?'

'Well, he may be dead. But he lives on in this machine. His music and his solos and riffs live on and are kept playing as long as I am alive and this song keeps playing. He's still alive, playing in my head.'

'That's...actually rather sweet.'

'And, now that you have heard him, he lives on in yours.'

'That's...slightly...more creepy, to be honest.'

Blinded by the light.
01/16 Direct Link
You were there again, last night. Laughing pleasantly at my attempt to write an essay on Frankenstein, finding the flowery, over-stuffed phrases that I used amusing.

I told you to look out the window, and you did. You remarked that it looked like the sky had been drawn with pastels.

The essay finished, we went walking in the cold, wrapping around each other, trying to stave off the cold for a moment longer. It became too much, and we retreated back to the warmth of the house.

Music played. And then you were gone. Smoke slipping through my fingers.
01/17 Direct Link

You know that feeling? When it's a really warm day and you've been running around. You wander back home and your legs feel like mud and clay. Then you drink a cold glass of water, and you can feel the coolness running its way down you, spreading over your body and you can't help but smile.

Or the other feeling. On one of the coldest days you have ever felt, and you are forced to stand outside. You are wearing your coat and, with you hands in your pockets, feel like a bundle of warmth.

Those are good feelings.

01/18 Direct Link
Strange dreams.

You were in my dream, last night. Said you loved me. Said it back. Meant it. Really meant it.

You went. Not sure why. Followed. Saw you smiling, dancing and skipping. Twirling a lilac around in your hand. Seemed happy. I was, watching you.

Lilac snapped at the stem. You didn't seem to mind. Saw me. Came over. Smiled. Smiled back. Started dancing.

Lights were down. Brown floors and dark walls. Couldn't make out much. Only you. Danced and danced. Still happy. Still smiling. Said I love you. Love you, too.

Woke up. Dream fades away. Reality established.
01/19 Direct Link
BOOK OF INSOMNIA CHAPTER III

1. And lo, it came to pass, that a great and terrible darkness fell over the land.

2. And the inhabitants of the land cried unto their God saying 'O mighty God, we have not slept in three days and, verily, we are starting to see things that are not there.'

3. And, seeing that the people of the land had humbled themselves before Him, God took pity upon their souls.

4. Yea, and verily, God allowed the inhabitants of the land to sleep and deep sleep.

5. And the woke up on the morrow refreshed.
01/20 Direct Link
This man, in a dark stained coat, muttering his way home. There is a rip in his jeans, dirty water patches where a car attacked. A hat flattened over his head. One hand turned into a claw from the cold.

A tramp. He looks like a tramp. A wandering vagabond.

For a second, the headlights of a car search him out, illuminate him. His face is turned towards the sky, eyes closed. Smiling. He sways in time to a gentle rhythm, a melody that only he can hear as the rain strokes his face and the wind whispers its comfort.
01/21 Direct Link

Dear God.

I will make a deal with you.

I want you to help me pass all my exams. I would like a minimum of three A's. That is all.

In return, I will try my best to easy the suffering in the world in whatever way I can. I will mourn with those that mourn, comfort those that stand in need of comfort and try and help anyone in whatever way I can. I will love all of mankind unconditionally, regardless of how many times I am screwed over.

I hope you take this up.

My thanks.

David Budd.

01/22 Direct Link
Thoughts

***

'Do you ever think you'll find a girlfriend?'

'I live in hope.'

'That's nice.'

'Yeah. I've had to, ever since my parents kicked me out of the house.'

*****

'Do you know where this classroom is?'

'I think so. Do you want me to take you there?'

'Yes please.'

'I still get lost.'

'Really?'

'Yup. I once tried to find A13 and ended up in Bangladesh. It was rather awkward, as it was during monsoon season. Well, here we are!'

'...Thanks.'

***

'I love you with all my heart!'

'I love you with all my spleen!'

***

What did I just write?
01/23 Direct Link

You said that you used to love me. I loved you.

I would rather like to know what happened. What happened to that love.

What made it drip away, running down a drain? Where did it run to? What did I do to make it fly away in a scream of pain?

Why did you go?

In reality, I'm not even sure that I want to know. It happened. You did it. You went, along with the love. It has slipped into history.

I don't want to say goodbye. This is not the end. Who knows what will happen next?

01/24 Direct Link
The story.

It's a story I remember from my childhood. To be honest, I don't remember much of the plot.

I do remember the pictures.

There was a picture of a storm. Big, black, green and dark-blue waves hurling themselves against a wall. The sky was wolf grey and was howling at the buildings. I would stare at it until I could taste the salt and electricity in the air.

There was a statue. Dulled yellow and duller green. A boy, with dolphins.

A nanny who had fallen asleep on a park bench.

Pictures instead of a plot.
01/25 Direct Link
I don't want to be here.

Not stuck in this room, drowning in learning. In words and equations that are meaningless. Not breathing this dulled, depressed air.

I want to be outside. With you.

I want a wind that refreshes. A coldness that screams of life. A warm body, with a beating heart, pressed near me.

To murmur into your hair, fit your fingers in mine and paint your eyes. That would be a life. You, my beautiful spectre, and I. Wandering through this world together, happiness bursting like a fountain.

The walls are closing in.

This is not enough.
01/26 Direct Link
BOOK OF INSOMNIA CHAPTER IV

1. And yet, whilst the inhabitants of the land were able to sleep.

2. Their relief was as short as the breeding cycle of locusts.

3. For behold, whilst they could sleep, they still felt exceedingly tired thereof.

4. Yea, to the point that they started walking into walls, forgetting the words that they had meant to say, and having a great wrath.

5. And there was a murmuring throughout the land against the LORD their GOD.

6. For all they wanted was to feel awake, and have the evil spirit of tiredness leave their bodies.
01/27 Direct Link
I thought that you had surrendered your power over my imagination.

I had assumed that your face no longer held the poetic beauty that I had once witnessed.

I guessed that your voice had lost its melody.

It seems that I was wrong.

I know that I will not act on these feelings. There seems little point. In a matter of months, we will part ways, never to lay eyes on each other again.

What I would give to embrace you. To hold you. To love you.

You make me feel funny. Childish, I know. But true. Very true.
01/28 Direct Link

Someone is upset.  Very upset.

That makes me angry. Very angry. People should not have to be upset. They should not have to feel worthless and small and insignificant.

They should not be subject to their own tortuous minds. They should not have to be hurt by other people.

The world is a beautiful, wonderful place. It has happiness bursting at the corners, bubbling up through the pavement and gliding through the air. People should not have to shun it.

I can't make everyone happy, but I can try. I will try, because without happiness, what do we have left?

01/29 Direct Link

'Hello David.'

'Hey. Who are you?'

'I'm you from the future!'

'Really?'

'Indeed. I have many important things I need to tell you.'

'When do I lose my eye?'

'You bet it during a game of blackjack in an attempt to win back your house. But anyway...'

'Do I really get that fat?'

'On the last Sunday of March, 2021, you must...'

'And bald?'

'...Do not, I repeat, do not, order the salad...'

'And smell?'

'...And of course, that's the last thing you should do to a gaint snail...'

'Am I alone?'

'...Fridge magents. What? Oh...no. Not at all.'

01/30 Direct Link
Do you ever think about those days?

Those strange, lost days. Like an antique land. A difficult place to tread.

Full of strange beasts and fields. Where a knight won his spurs and in his arrogance, burned them. A place where a new man was created with the blossoming of two roses, side by side.

Those days. When the sun moved slower and the future never seemed to happen, Where happiness fell like rain and misery grew like grass.

Do you remember those days? Do you ever think of them? With fondness? With hate? With anger or untold joy?

I don't.
01/31 Direct Link
BOOK OF INSOMNIA CHAPTER V

1. And lo, it came to pass, that the inhabitants of the land did humble themselves before their GOD.

2. Yea, they did come unto HIM with a broken heart and a contrite spirit.

3. And the LORD saw that they had repented fully, and blessed them with all the blessings of Heaven.

4. For behold, on the morrow, the inhabitants of the land awoke feeling refreshed and, lo, they no longer had the dark circles under their eyes.

5. And peace was once again restored in the land.

6. Thus ends the book of insomnia.