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10/01 Direct Link
Hello...? Is that...is that God?

I've been wanting to talk to you for a long time. I suppose I just haven't had the time. Then again, I seem to spend most of my time telling people that I have no time to do anything.

Do you honestly care about me?

You see, I've always struggled with issues of self-worth. I've never felt important to someone. Well, I did once, but that kind of blew up in my face.

Am I important to you?

I just want to know. I don't mind what the answer is. Just tell me.
10/02 Direct Link
I often think of my mind as a country.

It has a main body of land. It's split into many parts. Mostly they are green and full of trees and butterflies. They are places where you would want to take of your shoes and feel the land through your toes.

There lots of islands, where the strange thoughts lie. A place full of rocks and crags and cracks, where they can hide when needed.

Then there are the outer-regions. These are full of fog and are agressively black. Those are where the wild thoughts live.

I don't like them.
10/03 Direct Link
Hello. It is rather nice to hear from you again. You went away for such a long time. Even when you did remember, or find time, to talk, you found it more of a chore than an oppertunity to tell me your worries.

Do I care about you? That is an interesting question.

There are people more important than you. Smarter, kinder, more beautiful and graceful. More humble and talented.

I should not care about you, because  you are no-one.

To make it worse, you never cared about me. I was always an add-on, an optional extra.
10/04 Direct Link
Here's how it would happen, right?

Are you listening? Good.

So, I would be in my room. I would be playing the guitar.

I know I can't play it now, but I would learn. Anyway, it's a fantasy. Making it real isn't the point.

Anyway, I would be playing the introduction to Layla. The acoutic version. It's far superior.

She would be walking along and hear me playing. Once I'd finished the introduction, she would start singing. She would come in, sit on my bed and sing along while I played.

That's how it'll happen. It won't, but it should.
10/05 Direct Link
So you don't care? You honestly don't.

Of course I know that there are better people out there than me, but it doesn't mean that I like to be reminded of that fact.

What am I meant to do now?

I am completely and utterly alone.

I know that I left you. I know that I resented you and wished that I had never heard of you. But that's not the point. You made me what I am today. Without you, I would be a different person. I loved you, I think.

I've never been very good at love.
10/06 Direct Link
It ground to a halt, this big, brain grey metal contraption with cogs full of spider leg teeth and brass chains and rusty smoke bellowing out of every side. 

I pressed the abort button, before it imploded and sucked us both in to the crushing silence.

Then came the beautiful realisation. It struck me with more force than a cricket ball. Suddenly, the biting scratching ants had gone. Water poured over my soul .

The wounds were still open and blood still dripped down, but now there was a hope of healing.

I could see redemption, and it was beautiful.
10/07 Direct Link
Spead out on the bed, backs bent, two books looks lie on top of each other. Chaucer and Morpurgo.

Next to them is a music score, paint-dripped notes running through the pages, a beautiful language.

Then there is a folder, black, wind and rain wrenched, broken, battered and with a tree drawn on its side. It contains thoughts and information that cannot fit in one head.

Then there is the boy. Wet from the rain, cold, typing away because he knows that this is what he cares about. Really cares about.

This is a portrait of a newly formed man.
10/08 Direct Link
That's not what I meant. You know that's not what I meant.

You're putting words in my mouth in order to cleanse yourself of all guilt.

Of course I love you.

It's unconditional. I may not agree with all that you do, I miss you when you are away and I would rather not find all this doubt in your mind, but I still love you.

You are important.

What more do you need? What more can I say?

All I ask is that you love me in return. Is that really so hard? Do you find love hard?
10/09 Direct Link
My dear sister.

I love you more than you can ever know. I feel able to talk to you about anything at all. I have never felt more comfortable with anyone than I do with you.

If you ever asked me to do anything, I would do it. If you did choose to become a hermit, I would hike through jungles and mountains and rivers just to see you and hug you and talk to you.

I will be with you for as long as I am alive. I hope that brings some comfort.
 
Happy birthday, my lovely, wonderful sister.
10/10 Direct Link
'I'm not sure that I trust love.'

'Why's that?'

'Well, they say love is blind, don't they?'

'Yes they do.'

'Is it really such a good idea to put a blind person in charge of your relationship? I mean, looks are not everything, but they do play a role. And love might pick someone who is 30 years older than you without realising.'

'I think you may have got it a little wrong...'

'All I'm saying is, love should leave me alone and let me pick who I want.'

'Do you think that will ever happen?'

'One can only hope.'
10/11 Direct Link
I am looking for someone.

Someone who, when I open my mouth, will not think me mad.

Someone with a smile that warms me from the inside.

They would prefer to walk around in bare feet, twirling in the breeze and giggling as the sun filtered onto their face.

They would want to find a field and stay there all day, silently watch the sun in its dying fall and stars slinking into the sky.

They would rest their head on my shoulder.

They would dance and sing and dream dreams that too big for just one person.

I'm looking.
10/12 Direct Link
'Hello weed.'

'I'm not a weed.'

'Yes you are.'

'No I'm not. I'm just a plant that happens to grow in the wrong place and doesn't have a pretty flower. There are no such thing as weeds.'

'I suppose.'

'Do you realise that I'm your superior in every way? I can make my own food source just from light energy. You could remove all my leaves, and I would still grow back.'

'That is impressive.'

'Would you grow back if I removed your head?'

'I suppose not.'

'Stop talking to me, now. Your very being here insults me. Leave.'
10/13 Direct Link
I was early with your present, and now I'm late with this little birthday tribute.

Timing is not my strong point.

Happy birthday. If I could change the world in any way in order to make you smile all the time, If I could sacrifice my own education to ensure that you went to your dream university, if I could transfer all my happiness to you, I would.

May you enjoy being a man. May you glitter and shine. May you drink from the eternal fountain of joy (or some other metaphor).

Happy, happy birthday. My how you have grown.
10/14 Direct Link
I don't know what happened yesterday. I was the happiest I had ever felt, for a very long time.

Manically happy, with a joker fixed grin. The laughter seemed to bubble from my toes to my lips. I beamed everyone with a laser-guided grin.

I wanted to skip down the stairs (which I did) and dance in the corridor (which I did not). I wanted to pick everyone up and spin them around and around in my arms until the happiness diffused out of me into all of them.

I think my parents spiked my orange juice with LSD.
10/15 Direct Link
An Analysis.

You crave attention. You want to be noticed. This is why your biggest fear is of ending up alone.

Every time a relationship fails, someone leaves you, someone insults you, you feel that you have failed. It reminds you of the fate that you think you will face.

In order to ensure that there are people around, you will continue to say strange things and do strange things in order to be noticed. They will keep becoming more elaborate.

One day, people will stop noticing you. That is the day that you will kill yourself. Alone and forgotten.
10/16 Direct Link
An Alternative Analysis.

You have an infinite capacity for love. You fail to understand why other people do not.

Every time someone disappoints you, you feel betrayed. You have too high expectations of other people. This will lead you to be depressed.

However, it will not last long, as you still love people and still think the best of all of them.

***

Yet Another Analysis.

You read too much into yourself and everything. You are, despite everything, a human. You will feel sad and you will feel happy.

***

Another.

You don't exist, so nothing you do matters. Therefore, have fun.
10/17 Direct Link
I collect souls and keep them in jars.

Nice jars. Big and clean. The souls bump around the edges. It may look like they want to get out, but really they are much happier in my jars.

I take them for walks, sometimes. Tie one up with a cobweb and take it to see the grass.

During the night, when I can't sleep, I'll come and look at them. Look at them shimmer and shwivel in the dank night-light.

They sing at the moon. I don't know why. I think the moon reminds them of a time before jars.
10/18 Direct Link
Tell me your worries.

Stop shutting me out. Stop trying to hold up the weight of your owm problems on those too fragile shoulders.

You can still talk to me. Share with me the horrors that persue you at every turn. I care. I really do.

I would spend a lifetime trapped in torment, tortured with fire and nails and screams and guilt and disappointment if it meant that you would be happy for a single day.

Please tell me what is happening. I don't want to sit here at a computer screen, guessing what is wrong.

Tell me.
10/19 Direct Link
I hope that you two are happy.

I hope that you make each other happy. That you can talk feely and beautifully.

I wish you the very best.

I wish that you will be able to sit still in those quiet moments, holding each other close, eyes closed, listening to the breathes wander in and out.

May your days be merry and bright.

May you grow closer. May you dance down the streets, holding hands and laughing at the world.

Please, I hope that you obtain a happiness that I will never be able to reach.

May you be happy.
10/20 Direct Link
'John Boutte!'

'Yes?'

'Well, I'm here at canal street.'

'So?'

'This is where you said I could lay down my burdens.'

'Did I?'

'Yes. In your song.'

'So I did.'

'How do you do it?'

'I don't know. They're your burdens. You figure it out. Now if you excuse me, I have a second line to attend.'

...

I stayed and watched him walk away. For some reason, I thought coming here would help. The romanticism of the idea had enthralled me. I realise now that my plan was impractical. You can't get rid of burdens. That's why they are burdens.
10/21 Direct Link
Please, Mr Pig, don't pull your punches. Tell me what you really think of my writing.

What motivates me to write?

I suppose it would have to be teenage angst and a desperate attempt to create for myself a sense of self-worth.

I'm sorry that I'm boring. I'm sorry that you worked your way through my piles of sick and found nothing. You very rarely find a diamond in vomit.

So I will try to improve. I doubt if I will ever be able to impress you, but that doesn't really worry me.

Have a lovely day, Mr Pig.
10/22 Direct Link
It was their second birthday party today.

They can run around now without falling over. They can say the word 'brocolli' and one of them even recognises numbers and can count fairly well.

The boys were obsessed with looking at the 'green tractor', which was in fact a yellow lorry. Louisa seemed to enjoy imaginative play, feeding a doll some of her birthday cake.

I spun and twirled them around. They giggled and laughed and made me feel like nothing could ever go wrong again ever.

They have all become much heavier.

Happy birthday. May you remain this happy forever.
10/23 Direct Link
'What would you give up to fall in love?'

'Everything. Absolutly everything.'

'Why?'

'What's the point of being able to play the piano if you can't write a song for someone, or play your children lullabies? Why cook if you can't strive to create the most beautiful meal for the most beautiful person you know? Why write poetry if you can't pour out your heart to someone?'

'You can't do any of those things.'

'That's not the point. To feel connected to someone is the ultimate pleasure in the world. To hold hands, love, dance...it's...what we're made for.'
10/24 Direct Link

'Come away with me', you whispered in my ear, dripping the words like morning dew on a blade of grass.

I had never wanted to hold you as much as I did then. Every atom in by body streched forward for the embrace. I held them back and it hurt. Hurt like pins stabbing in my spine.

The temptation was tantalising. It was terrifying. I would have followed yuo everywhere, pulled along by the rope of your charm.

I had to stay away. For my own sanity. You left. I stayed, and not even Norah Johnes could sooth the pain.

10/25 Direct Link
The sleep never comes.

I'm twitching with static energy. My thoughts keep flying, whizzing and zipping through my mind. They scream and laugh and giggle manically.

I try to beat them down, chace them away, force them to sit still and be quiet. My thoughts never listen to me.

Sleep is driven away, spat upon and kicked. It's lying bleeding in the gutter.

I want this. Secretly, I wish this to happen. I want to self-destruct. To push the big, red button. I want to fall into the mania and remain there. I want insanity to hold me close.
10/26 Direct Link
'Devil?'

'Yes?'

'I would like to sell you my soul. In return, you will make me the greatest musician in the world.'

'Hmm.'

'Hmm?'

'I'm not sure if that's a fair deal, if I'm honest.'

'So...what is my soul worth?'

'Let's see...I will give you a plate of brownies and make you two inches taller.'

'Is that all? Surely my soul is worth more.'

'I'll thrown in making you an adequate pianist, but only because I like you.'

'I think I'll pass, if that's ok.'

'Are you sure? I think you're making a big mistake my friend.'
10/27 Direct Link
I have just recieved a conditional offer from Warwick University to study biomedical science.

This, I have to say, is rather scary.

University is no longer a mysterious entity, shrouded in mist and fog, but something that is looming up quickly.

It looks like I am going to have to grow up. This is actually happening. I will actually have to work hard to get the grade to actually go to university and actually get a degree that will actually help me to get an actual job.

My inner child is losing the battle with my outer adult. Oh my.
10/28 Direct Link

He stood staring at himself in the mirror. There were charcoal smudges on his face.

It was another mask. Another thing to hide behind. Hiding made everything easier.

The night had flittered along delicately. It had far exceeded his expectations. He hadn't broken down and cried, which was a nice change.

Gently dipping his flannel in the warm water, he wondered what he would see when the mask came off.

Like a baptism, he cleaned his face, one stroke at a time.

Looking the mirror, he saw the face of a stranger. One he would rather have no contact with.

10/29 Direct Link
'I don't really like being alone. I think my heart is a bit of a self-harmer. It likes to indulge in memories.'

He had been wrapped in the corner of the room, staring intently at the floor. She had liked his eyes and his silence in the roaring room, so she walked up to him and started a conversation.

'What sort of memories?' She asked.

'Bad memories.' He said. Then grinned in an attempt to neutralise the unsatisfying answer.

'So why were you huddled in the corner?'

'I just wanted to see who would come and talk to me.'
10/30 Direct Link
She pressed on with the memories.

'Why are they bad memories?'

'Well,' he said, scratching the back of his head and looking at the far wall, 'They used to be good memories. Now they're not. But in time, they will once again become good memories. But for a different reason than before.'

He sighed and glanced at her.

'That doesn't really make any sense, does it?'

'No. No it doesn't.'

She threw out a laugh at the pause.

'Does anything you say make sense?'

'Occasionally.' He replied with a sardonic smile. 'It's rare, but it has been known to happen.'
10/31 Direct Link
He scratched the back of his hair again in a frantic, manic gesture.

'I would like...well, I would love...to find someone who understands me.'

She nodded. He clicked his tongue in annoyance.

'That's such a terrible, teenager-y thing to say. I just...want to find someone who doesn't think I'm strange when I open my mouth.'

'What would you do if you found them?'

'Try to marry them.'

She laughed. He was easy to laugh at. He was easy to laugh with.

He laughed, too. It was easier, that way.

'Well. What can I say? Mania loves company.'