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08/01 Direct Link
I have a promise to keep.

I will exercise this mind to its full capacity, and allow these fingers full freedom to dance as they will. My ideas will be free-range, not battery farmed. They have a better life-style, that way.

I believe that everyone has written, at some point or another, about not being able to write. I feel this may be a prominant theme throughout my batch this month.

It's like my mind is a well where every last drop has been extracted. All it's good for now is throwing pennies in and making a wish.
08/02 Direct Link
'Hello David. Do you remember me?'

'No. Should I?'

'You should. I'm your imaginary friend.'

'Which?'

'You're first one. From when you were a toddler.'

'Pete, the spaceman-dinosaur-hunting-cowboy-police-fireman?'

'The very one.'

'What are you doing here?'

'Trying to make you feel guilty.'

'Why?'

'You threw me away. I was there for you when you had no one. I listened to your problems. Then, when real people came along, I was forgotten. You abandonded me. Is that any way to treat a friend?'

'No. I'm sorry Pete.'

'It's too late for sorry! Thirteen years too late.'
08/03 Direct Link
I like writing music on my piano.

My tunes are vaguely pretty and unsubstantial. Full of air rather than something of substance. Like a cake, where you bite into it and realise that there is nothing there.

It makes me happy. I like making my tunes. It's what these hands can do. They can't lift horses, they don't look like wood, but they can create a pleasing melody, tune and harmony.

Well, my right hand can. My left hand is utterly useless. It flops around on the keys like a fish out of water. My right hand is slightly better.
08/04 Direct Link
'Hey David. Do you want to go to the cinema?'

'Look. I know I was nice to you, but I really don't want to be friends with you.'

'Why not?'

'Because you're the Devil, that's why.'

'What's that got to do with anything?'

'You are the personification of evil. You provide misery to everyone. You are a foul fiend.'

'Fiend is just one letter away from friend.'

'I...but...you...that makes no sense.'

'We could go and watch that new film with Ewan McGregor. It's meant to be reviving his acting career.'

'Please leave me alone. I beg you.' 
08/05 Direct Link
Too much light is pouring into my eyes.

Writhing on the floor, I grasp at my sockets, trying to block out the burning, searing light.

I'm seeing too much. I'm seeing everything as it really is.

It hurts.

Still the light forces its way through, even as I claw at my eyes, rip them out, blind myself to everything.

Even when my eyes are out, even then, the light crashed through. I'm worming on the floor in an excess of agony.

Bleeding from the sightless sockets, I turn to you for help. Pleading, I ask.

Turn off the light.

Please.
08/06 Direct Link
An endless strech of eternity flows before my eyes, a white river of time. It scares me. Terrifies me.

An eternity of watching, waiting and longing. An eternity to do nothing. Living forever is not a blessing. It is a curse. An eternity to remember yoru failures, to regret your decisions and torment yourself with happy memories that had long turned to dust.

Hell is not a place of fire and brimstone. There are no devils to whip the flesh.

Hell is your own mind. It is your owm thoughts. Hell is having to ive with yourself, for all eternity.
08/07 Direct Link
Heaven is an eternity spent with you. With your far too beautiful smile. With your eyes that shine like silver. With your thoughts. Your wonderful thoughts.

Heaven is hearing you talk. An eternity of listening to you, discussing and debating. It is sitting in a field and glutting on music until we are sick.

It is where limbs entwine, like a rope. A kiss. An expression of love.

Heaven is having you near. Having you to take the thoughts away. Diverting my attention from my fears and failures.

Heaven is you. Dancing with you. Being with you.

Heaven is you.
08/08 Direct Link
'Let's smash up things!'

'Yeah! Good idea. Let's break some windows.'

'And pull over bins.'

'And burn things.'

'I don't know guys. I mean, in today's social-political climate, an expression of our resentment against these seemingly omnipotent and uncaring authorities will not be generally well-recieved by the public. Surely, I propose, their sympathies will lie with the overstreached, understaffed police services who are facing pay-cuts? A more pragmatic suggestion would be to write a letter to our MP, expressing our anger about the lack of oppertunities for young people.'

'...'

'Or we could just burn things.'

'Sounds good.'
08/09 Direct Link
It feels like I'm sinking into a bath. The simplicity of warm water lapping over my body is refreshing. It's comforting. A blanket that draws up around me.

Further I fall, with my mouth just above the surface. Sucking in air, which sweetly fills my lungs. The water is mostly still, unmoving and unchanging. It settles on me.

I cannot stop myself. I sink under. I'm out of my depth.

I stuggle to breathe and the water rushes in, it's warmth and solidity filling my lungs and all I can think is, I don't care, I don't care.

I don't...
08/10 Direct Link

I don't want to play. I really don't.

It won't be right. It'll sound all wrong. Out of place. A slight dischord to the the rest of the evening.

I know you don't really want me to play, either. You just want to try and include me. Which is ever so kind, of course. Nevertheless, please don't feel that you have to do this. I am quite happy to be left out, on this occassion.

I'll be too loud and too harsh and too brash. All the peace and reverence will be destroyed.

I don't want to play. Not now.

08/11 Direct Link
You didn't look happy. I don't know why.

Technology is amazing. Talking to you, in India, me in Britain.

You seemed deflated. Like you had just experienced an exquisit dream, and finally realised that it was a fallacy.

I wonder what your parents thought of a smiling boy waving at them in his pajamas.

You didn't smile much. I like it when you smile.

India looked very sticky. The buildings were a strange white, like they were made out of skulls.

It was lovely to talk to you.

And yes, I will remember your letter and ID for results day.
08/12 Direct Link
The whole point of pain is to prevent you from doing something again.

Pain, hurting. They are not really real things. It's information from your brain, desgined to stop you doing something that is harmful.

Is this why it hurts after love?

I can't be, because people persist. They forget the pain of a lost relationship and presue a new one. This must mean that, when you finally do find love, it must be wonderfully exquisit.

I suppose I've had an experience of the wonderfullness. A glimpse of heaven. I will ignore the pain, and continue to persue the love.
08/13 Direct Link
So what if I failed? I can try again.

It doesn't mean...no, you're wrong. It doesn't mean that this is the end. It's not.

Shut up. It's not. This isn't beyond repair. It can still take the strain.

Ok, it does look slightly worn out. Slightly.

Just...stop doubting. That just makes it worse.

What do you mean, how? It's obvious.

No, I won't explain it to you. If you're too thick to understand why...be useful and pass me the glue. Yes, the glue.

Look. Good as new. It'll start beating again soon. It will, I promise you.
08/14 Direct Link
It was wonderful to see you. It had been two years. My, you've grown.

You were very entertaining and endearing. Upon being asked whether your toy dog would like a sausage, you replied,

'It's only a pretend dog.'

If you had been older, I'm sure you would have added 'stupid' to the end of that sentence.

You ran around and played 'it'. You clambered over me. When it was time to go, you remarked,

'I've had enough now. I want to go home.'

You even laughed until you literally wet yourself. You have a sadistic humour.

See you soon, hopefully.
08/15 Direct Link

The fear is there, just behind everything else.

It's lurking, waiting. Biding it's time. It knows what is happening in two days. It will slowly start to make its presence felt.

Its purple fur will brush against my nerves. Its claws will irritate my skin. Its teeth will bite and rip at my brain.

This fear wants to be proved right. No doubt it will.

Already the fear has started to emerge. A small scratching underneath my heart.

It won't stop.

I want it to stop. In two days time, it will be gone. Who knows what will replace it?

08/16 Direct Link
Another triplet entry.

They can walk, now. Thomas likes to explore everything. Strange things on the pavement, metal bars, flowers...

They can even say a few words. Everything that isn't obviously a car is a 'tractor'. A dog is a 'woof'. Anything with wings is a 'duck'.

They have got thinner and taller, looking more like toddlers than babies. They have lovely laughes and a fondness for chocolate buttons.

I took pictures. If this keeps happening, I'll have a picture of them at every stage of their life. I could create a montage. I am sure they would love that.
08/17 Direct Link
His name was Saul. He had a beard and a ponytail. This is mandatory for anyone called Saul.

It was also mandatory that Saul should become an eco-warrior. Except he refused to take this in the normal sense. He threw potted plants at people he didn't like.

Saul lived in a caravan. He had always wanted to travel the country in it, but he couldn't afford a car.

He also had a dog. Saul hated dogs, but he couldn't get rid of it. It just followed him around. Even when Saul kicked it, it stayed.

This is Saul.
08/18 Direct Link
'How are your results?'

'Yeah. Not too bad.'

'Are you pleased with them?'

'I suppose so.'

'What's wrong?'

'Well...on this piece of paper I am holding, there are six letters. These six letters seem to have  a control over me.'

'I don't get it.'

'Look at the sky. It's so...beautiful. Heart-achingly beautiful. A simplicity of colour that flows over the world. Yet these six letters move me more than the sky does. I can look at a flower without feeling anything, but looking at these letters creates a song emotion inside of me. That's wrong.'
08/19 Direct Link
'You know, I thought you would be more depressed over your results.'

'So did I.'

'So why aren't you?'

'I'm...not completely sure. I think that I've...just stopped caring.'

'But this is your future! Don't you care about what happens to you?'

'I...don't. I know I should, but I don't. It's like...it's been beaten out of me. Caring. It's all...gone. I failed and I don't care.'

'That's horrible! Make yourself care.'

'I don't want to. I've never been happier. Failure...it's...set me free. I'm happy with myself. Which is new. Some letters...they don't matter.'
08/20 Direct Link
I can see your future.

You will carry this pain with you for the rest of your life. You will always feel inadequate. Because of this, you will end up alone, forever.

You will meet other, nice people. But your desperate need for human connection, for love, will drive them away.

You will fail your A-levels. You will be unable to go to university. You will be forced to work in an office and wear a suit.

Most evenings, you will stay in. You will no longer see the point of going out.

You will die. Alone and forgotten.
08/21 Direct Link
'I'm fed up of thinking that I'm going to end up alone.'

'So what are you going to do about it?'

'I'm going to ask the moon to marry me.'

'...Sorry?'

'I'm going to ask the moon to marry me.'

'Ok...well...why?'

'So I don't end up alone.'

'So you're going to ask the moon...'

'To marry me. Yes.'

'What makes you so sure that the moon will agree?'

'Do you know how long the moon has been waiting for a proposal? She'll be desperate.'

'How will the honeymoon work out?'

'I'll smother her in honey.'

'Hilareous. Just...hilareous.'
08/22 Direct Link
'Moon!'

'Yes?'

'Will you marry me?'

'I thought it was traditional to propose with a ring?'

'I was going to get you one, but the Americans stopped the space programme. I was going to steal one from Saturn.'

'Well, it's the thought that counts.'

'So...will you marry me?'

'Of course! I thought you would never ask!'

'Thank you! I've never been so happy.'

'Who shall we invite?'

'Just you and me and a priest.'

'Where?'

'Westminster church.'

'What about a dress?'

'I don't think there is one that will fit you.'

'Are you calling me fat?'

'...No.'

'David!'

'No!'
08/23 Direct Link
A screaming, wailing hot body, running around the house with no inhibitions.

Making up songs, singing the alphabet in a breathy voice. Head lowered in concentration as you drew, coloured, made paper aeroplanes.

Giggling. Lots of giggling.

Marching down the stairs with a game, making up the rules and ignoring what people were telling you.

Curling up on the sofa, enjoying reclining the chairs.

Making me play hide and seek. Hiding under the cushions, behind the curtains, in the bath with a towel over you.

I would like to have children, when I am older. I really would.
08/24 Direct Link

A brief intermission in life:

It was a muggy day, like someone had turned down the intensity of all the colours.

He was walking home, his thoughts keeping him company. Mostly they were pleasant, but a few of the more nasty ones were lurking at the back of his mind.

Gingerly, he climbed up the grass bank that was next to him. He suddenly remembered his childhood. The banks looked so much bigger back then.

Stopping, he looked around to ensure there was no one ot watch him. Then he ran down the banks, arms outstretched.

He smiled and continued walking.

08/25 Direct Link

Ok, I'll admit, it's slightly slower than normal. That doesn't mean...no, of course it'll work again.

Because I just know, that's how. It's not that bad, really...

Fine, it's true, it's not at it's best, but we just need to, you know...

Stop being so negative.

No, you're negative, not realistic.

Pass me the jump leads. Yes I'm sure. All it needs is a quick shock of electicity and then it'll be away.

Look! I told you! It's working again! Look how it's whirring away.

It's not a short term solution. It'll keep on working.

Yes I'm sure.

08/26 Direct Link
Euphoria. It's a work in progress.

You would make me euphoric. I say 'you'. At the moment, you have no face. It keeps changing.

I know that you would rest your head on my shoulder when you were tired. We would sit up talking about books and science and meaningless things.

We would both laugh loudly. We would run through the rain, hand in hand, heads thrown back.

I would hold you close as we sat in a field in the middle of the night, looking at the pin-prick stars. v

You, a faceless being, would make me euphoric.
08/27 Direct Link

I tried to meditate today.

Apparently, according to the 'New Scientist' (which is never wrong about these things), meditation can help you to remain healthy.

I sat down on my bed, unsure of what position I was meant to be in. Opting for crossed-legs and hands resting on my knees, I closed my eyes and tried to concentrate on my breathing. I tried to empty my mind of all thought and block out the world.

However, my door was not closed properly and it kept on banging. It was rather off-putting and not helpful when trying to meditate.

08/28 Direct Link
I find jazz more uplifting than hymns.

I prefer to think and challange what church leaders telll me than simply accept it as truth.

I would rather take a break than give service until I die of exhaustion.

I tend to take many things as symbolic rather than literal.

I find reading novels more interesting than reading the bible.

I believe that there is more than one way to God.

I don't think everything is as balck and white as some would have us believe.

I don't make a very good Christian. But I do believe in God. I think.
08/29 Direct Link

New York is being hit by a hurricane.

Actually, it is only a tropical storm.

There is already flooding, and they are expecting more damage as it continues. At the last count, there had been a loss of 21 lives.

It's horrible. Of course it is. Any form of destruction and death is terrible.

Nevertheless, a part of me wonders how long it will take the American government to react  to the storm in New York compared to, say, New Orleans. I would guess quicker. New York has the advantage of being predominantly rich and white. 

08/30 Direct Link
It was the happiest I had felt in a long time.

I could not stop smiling. I wanted to skip as I made my way home. I wanted to run up to the nearest person and give them a big hug, they sort of hug where your breath leaves your body and you feel fully loved.

Then I wanted to go and put my head in an oven, because this type of happiness normally means that something is about to go wrong.

It hasn't yet, but I'm still on the look out. You never know when it might happen.
08/31 Direct Link
Lost, hurt, tired and lonely, I fell on cracked earth, body thumping to the ground.

In front of my eyes was a small flower. Petals of scathing white, so delicate. Like they were made of tissue paper. A too bright yellow centre of pollen blazed against the starkness of the rest of the landscape.

Staring at it, I moved my hand and pinched the stalk, allowing the small amount of sap to sliver over my fingers.
 
I heard the flower scream as I lifted it from its home.

It was too beautiful for this place. Much, much too beautiful.