05/01 Direct Link

I wanted to find Life, and ask whether he could give me a break for a while. He had made me miserable for long enough, and I wanted him to stop.

This did, of course, mean that I had to find him. After my unsuccessful attempt to find Atlantis, I was in doubt of my abilities to find Life.

Nevertheless, I decided to presevere. Many people had previously told me to get a 'life', so I assumed, that one might be found in the supermarket. They seem to have everything. This lesser 'life' could then lead me to Life itself.

05/02 Direct Link
'Did you hear? Osama Bin Ladin was killed.'

'He's not dead.'

'What do you mean?'

'He's in a secret nuclear underground bunker with Glen Miller, Michael Jackson and Elvis, creating the greatest music ever know.'


'Yup. Osama was a mean kazoo player.'

'Don't you think your flippant comment is insulting to those who lost loved ones because of him?'

'And don't you think it's disgusting that people should celebrate the death of a human being?'

'He killed civilians!'

'So did the Americans! Should the Afgan's be able to dance and sing when they hear that George Bush has died?'
05/03 Direct Link
I went into the supermarket and asked one of the shop assistants whether they knew where I could get a 'life'.

She gave me a lovely smile, told me to follow her, and asked whether I woud be interested in the new range of glass hammers that had just been shipped in.

I told her no, as I already had a couple.

Her smile became more glazed.

After a few hours, I left the supermarket having purchased three banannas, a deckchair, some toilet cleaner, a giant sombreo hat and some sunglasses. However, I had not been able to find Life.
05/04 Direct Link
In a biology paper, they asked this question.
'How should the scientists carry out the breeding experiment using the shrimp?'

This is what I wanted to put.

Put on some Elton John music. This will get them in the mood.

If you are a traditionalist, make a candle-lit dinner.

Give them space and time to explore each other's company. Should nothing happen on the first date, do not dispair! It's bound to happen eventually.

When it does, give them some privacy. They will be under enough stress as it is without you looking at them through a microscope. 
05/05 Direct Link
Life had escaped me so far.

I decided to go to church. They kept on telling me that I had a soul. Maybe, if they helped me get in touch with it, it could help lead me to Life.

I went into the nearest church. There was a vicar or bishop or pastor or whatever they call themselves shouting at the congregation (made up of sweet old ladies and a young couple, who had obviously thought it was a bar, and now felt it would be too rude to leave).

He was shouting that the bananna proved that God existed.
05/06 Direct Link

A sister sits by the side of the road, watching the children run.
She wonders when it was she had last felt that life was meant for fun.
The cigarette falls out of her hand, and a stranger looks on, disgusted.
He has no qualms with judging others, even thought his own soul is busted.
A jazz lover walks past both, wrapped up in the music in his head.
A teenager bumps into him, and wishes he was dead.
Couples saunter back and forth, arrogant in their way
That they no longer walk alone, each and every day.

Then there's me.

05/07 Direct Link
'The bananna,' the religious man said, 'Proves the existance of God.'

He theorised thus.

'Look how it perfectly fits into the hand of man.'

To demonstrait this point, he placed a bananna in his hand. The old ladies gasped. One cried 'Amen!' The young couple looked uncomfortable.

'It fits! Perfectly! God exists! God must exist! All praise God!'

I cannot remember the last time I had been so angry. I do not mind people believing in God. What I mind is people who believe in God, and use that as an excuse to not think about the world around them.
05/08 Direct Link

Have you never seen a grooper?


How? I Groopers are everywhere.

They hide in colours, to avoid being eaten by birds. Every time you touch something, you could be touching a grooper. They feed of electricity. That's why you sometimes get an electic shock when you touch something. It's a grooper discharging.

When they are not hiding, they look like multicoloured slugs, with no eyes and thirteen stalks. In the same way they feed off grass to sustain their bodies, they swallow emotions to fill up their minds.

They have to borrow emotions, as they have none.

05/09 Direct Link
I tried to keep silent. I honestly did. I knew this digression was distracting me from finding Life, but someone was wrong. I did not like people being wrong.

'A bananna,' I said, 'Is anything but natural. It does not grow naturally. I cannot grow naturally. It is a hybird that humans enjoyed eating, and have decided to cultivate. A bananna is man-made. God had nothing to do with it.'

I paused.

'And the idea that it fits perfectly into the hand is idiotic evidence. Most things fit in a hand. That's why they are very useful.'

I stopped.
05/10 Direct Link
'Do you know what really annoys me?'


'People who use smilies when typing.'


'I don't know. But I think there is a special section of hell, just for them.'

'What would be the punishment?'

'It would have to be ironic. Something like...being punched repeatedly in the face a grinning man who had a sideways head.'

'Or having to watch something horrendous, without showing any emotion, or it will start happening to you.'

'Or you would be forced to write out the entire dictionary.'

'You know what? You should run hell. It would become far more...'


05/11 Direct Link
It was quiet for an uncomfortably long time. I started to wonder whether I had offended anyone.

I think one of the old ladies passed out.

The bananna-man then started shouting at me, ranting that I was going to burn in the eternal fires of hell, that I could never obtain forgiveness and that I had no soul.

That was slightly disappointing to hear. If I had no soul, then it couldn't help me find Life.

I left the church, with the man of God still shouting at me, and thought about how I could progress from this setback.
05/12 Direct Link
Change is always terrifying. Whenever we have to leave the safety of familiarity, it feels like the whole world is crashing down.

All that time you spent building relationships, making roads, growing and sharing and loving. Gone.

However, wonder for a moment what it would be like if a catepiller was afraid of change.

The old same will be gone, soon to be replaced with a new same.

New thoughts and feelings and oppertunities. A whole new world, waiting to be explored.

And, of course, I will be there. I don't know whether that makes it better or worse.
05/13 Direct Link
I decided to decide what Life actually was.

Many people say that Life is living. Others say that living is filling your life with wonderful things and actions. Then, some say that love is the greatest thing in the world.

So the logic followed. To find Life, I must first find love.

Fortunatly, I was in Soho.

I wandered around for a while. There were lots of people who offered me love for a price.

Unfortunatly, I had forgotten my wallet. This sort of love was beyond my price-range. I would have to find something cheaper.

This seemed difficult.
05/14 Direct Link

'Do you know what really annoys me?'


'Really fat people. who eat too much.'

'That's a bit harsh. Not all people are fat because they eat too much. Some of it is genetic, psychological problems can be involved and...'

'Nah. They annoy me. I think there is a special section of hell just reserved for them.'

'What would be the punishment?'

'I don't know. Maybe they would be forced to eat vegetarian food forever. Like vegetarian sausages.'

'Or, they would have to constantly run after a doughnut.'

'Or, they would have to eat each other.'

'That's really sadisitic.'


05/15 Direct Link
I kept on wandering around London, in the hope of finding love.

Affter a while, I saw a girl sitting on the steps in front of the art gallery, playing a guitar. She seemed interesting. She was also wearing a white dress, but that wasn't interesting.

I went up to her.

I said hello. She said hello back.

We started talking. It was an enjoyable conversation. I eventually told her about my quest, and how I had to find love first.

'I think I'm too immature to fall in love.' She said.

This rather depressed me. I tried to reply.
05/16 Direct Link

Something is breaking through.

This craggy soul, all rock and gravel, is stirring. The fire never went. Rather, it remained dormant.

Hot veins of magma run throughout, creeping through the cracks and wallowing into the light.

This craggy soul is breaking. The weight of the smothering boulders is melting and burning.

It relentlessly, restlessly forces its way forward. This sugar flame surging.

This craggy soul is bursting with fire and heat. A new molten metal case is being forged.

I just hope that I can withstand the transformation. I would hate for my body to burn and crumble, like ash.

05/17 Direct Link
'You're too immature to be in love?'

'Yeh. I don't think I couls cleave myself to someoneo else. I want to do things, like cartwheel down a meadow.'

'I want to cartwheel down a meadow.'


'Yeh. Naked.'


There was a break in the conversation. I tried to not imagine us nakedly cartwheeling down a meadow. it was surprisingly difficult.

'Anyway,' I said, 'Do you want to join me on my journey to find Life?'



'Because I hate you. I really, really hate you.'

I sat there in stunned silence. I'd never been really hated before.
05/18 Direct Link
The raging against the dark night did not last long.

It just crept up. Little by little, until it's too late.

Take my body anywhere. Bury it anywhere. It carried me long enough, a thankless task. The bones can become homes for worms.

Burn my brain. I'm afraid of what it would do without me there to control it.

Let my limbs rot. I found no use for them. Nor will you.

Carry my heart with no reverence. Put it in the ground. It refused to retain any significance when I was alive. I don't see why it should now.
05/19 Direct Link
'You...hate me?'

'Yup.' She said thisi with a cheerful smile. It took the sting out of the comment. I don't know why.

'Actually,' she continued, 'now that I think about it, I will join you.'

This lifted my spirits. I don't know why.

'Why did you change your mind?'

'I don't know. It might be fun to find Life.'

'Where do you think we should look?'

She thought for a second, eyes turned skywards for inspiration.

'What about...a meadow? That's where I would go if I were life.'

'Then lets go.'

We went. I'm not entirely sure why.
05/20 Direct Link
'Do you know what really annoys me?'

'No. But I'm sure you're about to tell me.'

'It's people who...'


'Hello. I'm the devil.'


'Do you know what really annoys me?'


'Would you like to know?'

'Not really...'

'It's people who try to tell me how I should be doing my job.'


'Yes indeed. Did you know that there is a special section of hell resereved for people who try to tell me how to do my job?'


'Well, there is.'

'What's the punishment?'

'They have to go through all the punishments that they had suggested.'
05/21 Direct Link
'You smell nice.'

'You're weird.'

'I mean it.'

'I know you do. That's why you're weird.'

We continued walking and talking in this fashion. Every so often, she would remind me that she hated me. I would remind her that I knew.

After a while, we came to a meadow. It didn't look right. It was as if someone had read about a meadow in a book, and had then tried to recreate it. Whilst it had all the components, it lacked a meadow-ish quality. It was more like a painting than an actual place that you could touch.
05/22 Direct Link
Clinging to the cliff-face, the dirt biting my fingers as I haul myself towards a Goal.  

I have never seen this Goal, this dream, this shining light that simmers and wavers in the night.

I have been told that I want it. People have shouted and screamed that this is something I need.

Forcing through this mountain, I wonder whether they are correct, and whether it is too late, monsterously too late to start

thinking for myself.

I can't let go, or turn around. I leave a trail of blood, like a snail, as I climb towards an unobtainable Goal.
05/23 Direct Link
As we stood looking at the meadow, a white rabbit sped towards us.

He stopped right in front of us, and stared at the girl.

'Are you Alice?' asked the rabbit. He was wearing a waistcoat.

'I'm not Alice.' she replied.

'Are you sure?' asked the rabbit. 'You look like Alice.'

'I'm definitely not Alice.' she replied.

'Then who are you?'


'That's the best person to be.'

The rabbit then turned to me.

'I know it's a long shot, but you're not Alice, are you?'

'No.' I said. 'I'm not a girl.'

'Well, you never know.' he said.
05/24 Direct Link
I can feel the words, right at the back of my head.

It's like they are trapped in a vacuum, unable to escape or breathe or live.

They want to come out, and they want to flourish in reality, written down for all to see.

I can't get at them. I can't claw any coherency out of my mind. The words are ghosts. Whisps of fog that sliver through my brain. Every time I try to grasp at one, it sadly floats and unforms until not even a shadow is left.

I want to help the words, but I can't.
05/25 Direct Link
The white rabbit pulled a pocket watch from his waistcoat.

'And now I'm late.' He tutted. 

He gave us a folorn sigh and raced off.

We looked at each other.

'Well,' She said, 'That was surreal.'

'It was.' I agreed.

I reached out and touched her hand with my fingertips. They were slightly cold. She pulled away and glanced downwards.

'I still hate you.' She said.

'I know.' I said.

To break the tension, we cartwheeled down the meadow. Life was not at then bottom of it, but Life was occupying my attention less and less. 
05/26 Direct Link

Floozing downwards with a zripping sound, the raindrops commit to their suicidal jump earthwards.

A cacauphony of green-blue-orange-blue-grey making a shimmering, shivering, slimmering mirror. A tarnished mirror, being held up to the world.

The rain washes and swashes its way through the grumping ground, carrying dead rubbish, leaves, dirt and other unwanted things to a final resting place.

We just stared out the window, side by side, talking about how we loved the rain. Opening the window and smelling the smell. The freshness of it all. I hope it rains again soon.

I hope it rains.

05/27 Direct Link
We were slightly breathless by the time we got to the bottom of the meadow. It turns out that she couldn't cartwheel, so she rolly-pollied instead.

'Your ears are nice.'

'Do you ever give a normal compliment?'

'You have pretty eyes.'

'Thank you. Now stop. I still hate you.'

'I don't care.'

'You will do.'

'But I don't at the moment. The moment matters now, not some abstract idea of the future which we can neither create nor control.'

'You're an idiot.'

'A poetic idiot.'

'No. Just an idiot.'

'Do you want to go to an art gallery?'

05/28 Direct Link
All my exams are over.

Two weeks worth of intense cramming, trying to fit as much information into my brain as possible.

Now, I have a period of time where there is nothing that I need to do. Nothing that it vital. Instead, I can devote time to doing things that I want to do.

I can read and write and sleep and play my instruments and draw and walk and lots and lots of other things.

This is a precious time. A time that will soon be over. I plan to enjoy it to the best of my ability.
05/29 Direct Link
We went to the art gallery.

We also went to a jazz concert.

We also went to a poetry reading.

We also went to many other places.

After we had done all these things, she turned to me.

'I have something I need to tell you.'

'What is it?'

'Well, I don't need to tell you. I won't die if I don't. But I want to tell you.'

'So you don't physically need to tell me, but morally need to?'


'What is it?'

She sighed. A deep, drawn out sigh. like a cloud deflating.

'I'm...well...I am Life.'
05/30 Direct Link
A day at nan's.

Do you know where you're going?

Of course.

Breath. Breath. I know it's unorganised, but breath.

Wander down for lunch. At a very slow pace.

She's literally defied gravity.

You are just like your Grandad.

My legs hurt when I'm sitting down, so I'm going to rest them by sitting down.

It's logic, David, but not as we know it.

The greatest music shop in the world. It had a mandalele.

Watch tennis.

Another lovely, mad old woman.

She seems much happier. Much, much happier.

Drive home.

Is this the right way?

It could be.

05/31 Direct Link
She was Life.

There she was.

I had been spending time with Life. We had walked togther, talked together, and I never even realised.

I had never realised that I was falling in love with Life.

I loved Life.

She came closer and touched my hand.

'I hate you.' She said.

'I know. I hate you too.' I said.

We stood there for a while, whispering our hate to each other, smiling a secret smile, knowing only we could understand these words.

We walked off. There were still meadows to find and pictures to see and music to listen to.