02/01 Direct Link

'Yes dear?'

'You're always telling me that I should never lie, and that I should always be myself, no matter what. Well...recently, I've realised that I've been lying to you, to everyone. So. I'm just going to tell you straight, because I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to be ashamed any more. Mum...'


'I'm a Liberal Democrat.'

*desperate sobbing*

'How could you!'

'Sorry Mum. It's just... their policies make so much sense.'

'Even Labour would have been better. Labour!'

'Nick Clegg could be a really inspirational leader!'

'You're no son of mine.'
02/02 Direct Link
I once walked into a classroom to ask a teacher a question. Upon opening the door, I realised that everyone was laughing. Looking at the teacher, he smiled sardonically at me and said

'Don't worry, it's not your fault.'

I asked the question, left and returned to work, slightly bemused by what had happened.

After a few days, somebody in that class came up to me and told me what had happened.

Before I had walked in, the teacher had seen me through a glass window in the door and, before I had entered, said to the class

'What an ugly boy.'
02/03 Direct Link
My house keeps on moving.

It just refuses to stand still. Every day, when I walk home from school, it has up and left to settle in a new area. The only way I can track it is to follow the thousands of tiny footprints that carry the house away.

Also, all the walls keep talking. The trouble is, they have no mouths, and have no concept of words, so all you hear is the groaning of brick upon brick.

I've tried to move, but if it thinks I'm going to abandon it, it just follows me wherever I go.
02/04 Direct Link
'How do you know if you're in love?'

'Well, it all depends on the chemicals in the brain. When you first fall in love, your brain becomes a swirling mass of different chemicals, resulting in you becoming fixated upon the person of your desire. Of course, these chemicals don't last forever, so what happens is that the brain physically changes in order to ensure that you create a bond with the person you 'love'.'

'You can't intellectualize love! It's a wonderful and complex emotion.'

'No, it isn't and yes, you can, I just have. Were younot listening?
02/05 Direct Link
Today, it was reported that the number pi has now been worked out to 2.7 trillion decimal places by a French programmer. When asked what the point of doing this was, the programmer replied 'Arbitrary precisioncomputation is one of my hobbies.'

i.e. there was no point.

This raises twointeresting points.

1.How sad do youhave tobe to work out pi to 2.7 trillion places?

2. Isn't it wonderful that some people still do things because they enjoy them, not because it is useful in any way?
02/06 Direct Link
ToSuki Sukila.

The chances are, you will never read this. However, I have heard your plea and have decided to at least attempt to write to you.

You don't know me, and I don't know you, which means that whatever I now say will be the truth, as there is no point in lying to a person you will never meet.

Your batches are really interesting. It's nice to have a small glimpse into the mind of another.

Also, you don't seem too strange. I mean that in the nicest way possible.

You just seem human, that's all.
02/07 Direct Link

Sam was not having a good day. It seemed that he had turned invisible.

Nobody was talking to him anymore. Whenever he tried to start a conversation, people just looked away and refused to respond. Should he walk into a room full of people, they would pass straight though him,refusing to respect his solid mass.

Sam sighed. He had tried everything to try and grab attention, but all to no avail. He had tried killing himself, but not even death noticed him.

His was a sad existance. The only way to eliviate the pain was to write poetry.

02/08 Direct Link

In the beginning, there was nothing.

The nothing was lonely, so it created something that was very powerful.

This powerful being looked around and saw nothing. Nothing, now no longer alone, was content. The being was not. It had neither food nor water nor amusment, so the powerful being curled up into a ball,fell into the nothingness and slept.

The nothing was alone again. It did not like this. So, it created another being, even more powerful than the last and, unlike the other being, gave it two gifts. A brain, and an imagination.

Thus was God created.

02/09 Direct Link

God looked at the other powerful being, curled up in a tight ball, and thought

'I could make good use of you.'

God then created a kiln (along with fire and everything else you need). He then thrust the curled up being into the kin, and left it to cook for a length of time.

Unfortunatly, sound had yet to be created, so God could not hear the screams of the first powerful being.

Once baked, God took the being out of the kiln and placed it in the nothingness. God looked at this and thought

'What could I do now?'

02/10 Direct Link
The nothingness was starting to get worried.

It had made a mistake, giving the second powerful being an imagination. This being could not seem to stop creating.

As he was cold, he reached inside himself, tore a little piece of his warm heart, and placed them in the sky to create stars. When his teeth became old and loose, he spat them out to create comets. When he was bored, he would fling masses together to produce planets.

The other powerful being (the one that had been cooked) was starting to sprout new life. Plants grew, fish swam, birds flew.
02/11 Direct Link
And why was the nothingness worried? It was starting to run out.

There was still a lot if it, but it was becoming less and less with every second. The new powerful being wanted to be surrounded by something rather then nothing.

There was only one thing the nothing could do. On the baked being, (which, as previously stated, was already producing life) they created many other beings. They called them humans.

They gave them a brain, but not much of one. They gave them an imagination, but that wasn't very good either.

And then, the nothingness filled their heads.
02/12 Direct Link
'Did you get a Valentine's day card?'

'No. Did you?'

'Yup. It was really sweet.'

'...Valentine's day is just a way for capitalist companies to take advantage of the romantic side of the human nature. They exploit our souls in order to sell us useless bits of card and mugs and t-shirts with hearts on them. And, why should there be only one day in the year when we can express our love to someone. Surely shouldn't we be doing this all the time?'

'...That's just what I would expect to hear from someone who didn't get a card.'
02/13 Direct Link
'So, Prime Minister, what are going to be your policies for the forthcoming election?'

'Well, ah, I plan to, ah, mend Broken Britain.'

'...Two things. Firstly, didn't you just steal that from the Tories? Secondly, how do you plan to do it?'

'To answer your first question, the Tories stole it off me, it's just that they announced it first. To answer your second question, I plan to produce lots of superglue, which will have the added benifit of stimulating the economy.'

'Prime Minister, you're making no sense.'

'How do you think I got this job in the first place?'
02/14 Direct Link
And they call it...PUPPY LURVE

I hate that song. Today, everybody will be so loved up, that only nice things will be written. I therefore need to balance this out.

So, you're all OK are you? Everything all right? I expect you have your one true love next to you, cuddling together in your warm house with lost of food and money and stuff. Well, just spare a thought this Valentine's day for...

Gordon Brown. The most unloved man on the planet.

Feeling guilty? You should be. There'll be no arrow in his heart, just a knife in his back.
02/15 Direct Link
Modern rhymes

You must work, work, work all the day
You must work, work, work and never play
If you sit down for a rest
You will be shot right in your chest
You must work, work, work all the day

Baa Baa rainbow sheep
Have you any locally sourced 100% British wool?
Yes sir/madam yes sir/madam but only one bag full.
One was confiscated by health and safety
One was blown up because I left it unattended on the tube.
So what will you do with the very last one?
Due to political correctness, I will give it to the ethnic minorities.
02/16 Direct Link
'Ok, lets try it again.'


'Right. Ready? Ok. I love you .'

'I, at this precise moment in time, am starting to harbour the seeds of slight affection for your company.'

'No! You're meant to say, I love you too.'

'But I don't.'

'I know. We're pretending we're a couple in order to help you overcome your social...deficiancies. Let's try it again.'


'I love you.'

'If you were my partner, there is a higher probability that I would, indeed, be cultivating loving feelings towards you. However, as you are not my partner, this isn't the case.'

'...Better. Slightly.'
02/17 Direct Link
Sometimes, you realise that there are people in your life that you just don't want to lose. You have them round, you enjoy their company, and then you understand. This person makes life more worth living. It's very difficult to accept this, to admit that we need other people, that we cannot rely soley upon ourselves. But when we do accept this, we cherish that person more than our own body. It comes to the point where we love them. We love them so much that we do not want to let them go. We love them more than life.
02/18 Direct Link
I am so tired.

So very, very tired.

My eyes are about to rebel, but cannot be bothered to close by themselves.

My neurones are starting to close up shop, pull down the shutters, call a taxi home for some rest.

Am I working too hard?
Do I wake up to early?
Could it be that I have anaemia?

Who cares?

Lying back, I let my thoughts roam around and chase each other. In the end, they all start to focus on one point.

You. Always always you.

If I'm honest, I never stop thinking about beautiful wonderful you.

02/19 Direct Link
'Alright Greg?'

'Not too bad Bob, not too bad.'

'How's the job?'

'It's great. All I 'ave to do is sit 'ere and pushtheleft buttonwhen the lightturns green and push the right button if the light turns blue.'

'Don't you find it a bit, you know, demeanin'that you're doin' a job that, for all intents and purposes, a trained monkey could do?'

'...Shut up Bob.'

Two days later...

'Alright...Greg? Where's Greg?'

'Eeek ooh ooh ah ooh.'

'Oh. Ooooh. Well. Poor Greg.'

'Aah aah ooh aah eek. Ooooh.'
02/20 Direct Link


'What are you doing?'



'May I ask why?'

'Of course.'



'Because it's difficult to resist the urge to bounce when you're on a trampoline.'


'...You're a child. An absolute child. You take nothing seriously, you revel in simplicity and are simple minded.'

'Thank you.'


'It wasn't a compliment.'

'To you, maybe not. To me, your words were wonderful.'



'You want to get on don't you? Hop on. It gives you the sense of freedom.'

'It's a waste of time.'


'Same thing. Wasting time isn't a bad thing. It helps liberate yourself.'


Boing ... Boing

02/21 Direct Link
Hello Isaac

Yo David

Since when have you gone 'yo'?

Since Miss Mills said it... it was funny

Ha...ha...ha. I am just dying with laughter.

I meant odd funny

No, really, I'm dying with laughter. *Hacking cough*

I've done first aid... *pats on back*

Thanks. What should we do now?

Take you to a doctor, my first aid course was over a year ago

I don't like doctors. If they made everybody well, they would have no business.

People are more than capable of hurting themselves... 'You've Been Framed'?

Yeh...well...I still don't trust them

I don't think they trust you...

Shut up.

02/22 Direct Link

One is for a secret
That should never be told
Two is for vast riches
That never should be sold

Three is for your future
You should be in control
Four is for your past
With the memories you stole

Five is just a number
Nothing special there
Six is just the same
Simple things come in a pair

Seven should be lucky
But fate has another plan
Eight is for bad fortune
Like when you kick the can

Nine is for a love
It's beauty pure and true
Ten is for the realists
Who spit your love back at you.

Numbers are magical. Fact

02/23 Direct Link
This has been the hardest month so far.

Trying to keep up is like running through sand; hard work and very slow progress. It's just, there has been so much work to do. Coursework, mainly. Electronics and science. To be frank, I don't care about electronics, as if something breaks, I'll call in a proffesional. I do care about science, as I want this to be my chosen career path. The trouble is, it seems to me that I work hard, but get nowhere.

...And you have completely skipped this entry because it's very long, haven't you?

Selfish, uncaring people.
02/24 Direct Link
As I look out of the window whilst typing this, it is raining to the left of me, but is sunny to the right. It's raining on one side of the house, but not the other.

I kid you not.

For some reason, it makes me smile. The fact that even the rain has a stopping point. You know what I mean. Every bad thing must stop at some point.

Or something deeply philosophical like that.'s stopped now. Well, it was interesting while it lasted. Everything comes to an end. I can go and put the wahsing out.
02/25 Direct Link
How a philosopher buys things

'Good afternoon sir, how can I help?'

'I would like to purchase this newspaper, two packets of crisps and a bottle of coke.'

'Very good sir. That will be...11.92'

'11.92! That's stupidly expensive!'

'Sorry sir, but with the reccession and all that...well, I have to put up prices to try and make money.'

'...Of course, that's assuming money exists.'


'That's assuming money, or even we ourselves exist. How do we know? We could simply be dreams, or computer simulations.'

'Hmmmm...maybe I don't exist...'


The salesman pops out of existance
02/26 Direct Link

The Irony Giant

Background information:

The average hight of an Irony Giant it 2 foot 6 inches. Whatever they say or do lends itself to irony. The most common cause of death among this species is being run over by ambulances.

Anyway, one day, an Irony Giant was walking along when suddenly, it heard a siren sound. Supposing this to be an ambulance, the Giant ran and lept over the nearest fence. Unfortunatly, he did not know that behind the fence was a 3141 foot drop, the chances of which him surviving were 1 in 993, 671.

Ironically, his lucky number.

02/27 Direct Link

I don't know what to write

I'm tired

I complain far too much

Am I depressed? Who knows?

I really have no idea of what to write

I should be getting on with work

My piano and saxophone need playing, especially the piano

Am I lonely? Who cares?

What to do, what to do

I will never achieve my dreams

Is someone listening? Who hears?

Let me know that you're out there

Contact me. Please

My soul feels tarnished

My heart feels as cold as my hands

Is anyone reading? Who sees?

Nobody knows what this means

Is anyone there? Who understands?

02/28 Direct Link
'The trouble is, doctor, that I think everyone is out to get me, You know, I'm paranoid.'

'And why do you think everybody isn't out to get you?'


'What if, rather than being paranoid, everyone does want to kill you? For example, why is the only door in this office locked?'


'And why is it that this room has no windows?'


'And explain why I am now holding this rope which could easily bind you.'

'Wait a second...'

'And why am I holding a knife?'


That was one wierd phycology session. He did cure my arachnophobia though.