01/01 Direct Link

On the 31st of December, I was finally able to meet my cousin's triplets.

In order to spice up the occasion, (the babies were surprisingly dull) my parents and I had little competitions with them.

My father won 'who's baby could go to sleep the quickest'.

My mother won 'who's baby could finish their milk the fastest'.

I won 'who's baby could throw up the most'.

Not the most pleasant of sensations. Nevertheless, it was a joy to hold this little lump of life, squirming with potential. I suppose I was getting a little sentimental.

Note: Must be more synical

01/02 Direct Link
I have worked out how to produce the perfect species.

Firstly, you catergorise everyone by giving them scores, based on intelligence and aesthetics. Once everyone has been rated, you take those with the very high scores, and make them breed with those of very low scores, resulting in children with meduim scores. These medium scores then breed with high scores to produce high scores This continues until everyone in the world has achieved a high score, at which point the scoring system will be moderated to differentiate bewteen the mass of high scores.

I'm not mad. Nor a Nazi.
01/03 Direct Link
Do you want the truth, or something beautiful?

Interesting question, to which I would answer...

Beauty is governed by genetics, and is therefore only available to a certain few. It is these select few who then choose to give said beauty to someone they deem 'worthy', most likely other beautiful people. Truth, on the other hand, is available to everyone, to give to everyone. There is no exclutivity. By telling the truth to someone, you are giving them your absolute trust, and fighting against man's inherant dark instincts.

So...I would rather have truth. Easy. 
01/04 Direct Link
To family.

I've decided to go looking for Atlantis. It must be around somewhere.

I've packed everything possible (including your wallets and bank details) and hope you will forgive me for not leaving sooner.
I know you would have prefered for me to go to university, however, you always seemed to endevor to educate me about the university of life. Well, now I'm getting one.

I would tell you where I'm going, however, I'm sure you would try desperately to get me back.

I will keep a journal so that, should I die, you will understand my thoughts.

01/05 Direct Link
Day 1

I started my search for Atlantis in Cornwall. To be honest, I only went there as it was close and has ice-cream. It also has cows, but they have nothing to do with Atlantis.

I then took the next obvious step. I opened my brother's laptop and googled 'Atlantis' on google maps.

After a quick second of searching, I found out that Atlantis is in South Woodham Ferrers, near Chelmsford on Old Wickford Road. I went towards there, filled with hope and optimism.

Could it be that, by using the power of the internet, I had found it?
01/06 Direct Link
It was quite wonderful today, seeing that my teacher still listened to her inner child.

She was one of the first people to cry out in delight when the miracle white fell from the sky and started to cover the ground. Never mind the lesson, just stare at the snow, the wonderful natural phenomenon.

Then, once the lesson was finished, she was checking her e-mails, when her face truly lit up, bright enough to be seen from space. It transpired that we were going home early.

Please do not be embarrassed should you read this, Miss.

Instead, be proud.
01/07 Direct Link
My dad went to teacher training college to train to be a teacher.


It was about three-quaters of the way through the course that he had an epiphany. He did not like children.   

Whilst to some this might not be a problem, it mattered to my dad, so he left and joined the civil service. There, he met my aunt, who introduced him to my mum. They got married and had me.

Again, obviously.

...I love the irony. Can you see it? The whole reason as to why I exist is beacuase my dad hated children. 
01/08 Direct Link
'Hmm. That's interesting.'

'...It's not. I can tell.'

'I've spent more time with you than with all of my girlfriends put together. Even including the pretend ones you have in nursery.'

'I knew it wasn't going to be interesting. What do you want me to say?'

'I don't know? I suppose a normal friend would say something like, 'Jeeze, that's really sad' or 'We really need to spend less time together'.'

'...But I'm not a normal friend.'

'I know.' Sigh

'...Jeeze, that's really sad, we really need to spend less time together.'

'Thanks for trying, but you're better not normal.'
01/09 Direct Link
-Can you hear me?


-Why not?

-You're speaking far too quietly. If you never speak up, how will you achieve anything?

-Sometimes a still small voice can reach corners that a brash shout never can.

-That's a load of rubbish, a brash shout can be heard miles away. Nobody can ignore it, it has to be noticed.

-If that's true, then how is it that you can hear me?

-...Are you speaking in a loud voice?

-You know I'm not. I speaking like your conscience, like a forgotten memory. Always persisting. Always there to witness change. 
01/10 Direct Link
'Just go over and talk to her.'

'No! There is no chance. I hate talking to people. Especially girls.'

'Do you have any dignity to lose?'

'In purely mathmatical terms, no, as dignity is an unquantifiable source. However, in literary terms, a lot of stock is set by retaining one's dignity. For the purposes of this exercise, I will take the mathmatical definition.'

'Do you have any self-respect to lose?'

'No, for reasons as stated above.'

'So what could possibly go wrong?'

'She could reject me, which could make me become a mass muderer.'


'You did ask.'
01/11 Direct Link
I have been accused of being too depresive, so I'm going to write something nice.

Mr Floppy-Ears said goodbye to Mrs Floppy-Ears just as he was about to go to work in the carrot factory. After giving her a long kiss, he hopped off down the lane, anticipating all the fun and frolicks he was going to have.

But what's this? Uh-oh! Mr Floppy-Ears forgot his lunch. Silly him!

Off he hops home. Once inside, he hears a sound coming from the bedroom. He goes to investigate. He opens the door...

Bad Mrs Floppy-Ears.  
01/12 Direct Link
It seems that Mrs Floppy-Ears had been having an affair with Mr Fluffy-Tail, their next door neighbour.

Mr Floppy-Ears was not happy anymore. In fact, Mr Floppy-Ears was starting to have bad thoughts. Eventually, Mr Floppy-Ears allowed these bad thoughts to become reality.

When the police bunnies finally arrived at the crime scene, the only things left were two ears that had been ripped of Mr Fluffy-Tail, Mrs Floppy-Ears two front teeth and Mr Floppy-Ears with his brains blown out.

...It's still depressive but, darn it, its real life. Deal with it.
01/13 Direct Link
Three people walked into a room. One was called Everybody, another Nobody and the final one Somebody.

These three people did not get of to a good start. Everybody seemed to hate Somebody, whilst Nobody seemed to like no-one at all. 

They were set the task of changing a lightbulb. That too failed. Whilst the bulb was still sitting in its box, Somebody started to blame Everybody, which resulted in a massive riot. Nobody stopped them, but the peace did not last long. Everybody was at Somebody's throat.

In the end, Nobody changed the light bulb.   
01/14 Direct Link

Lesson #38 - How to insult nerds

There are many different types of nerds, each with their own weaknesses. However, here are a few universal below-the-belt jibes that will have them reaching for their inhaler.

1. Pi is exactly 3

2. Shakespeare's plays have no relevance in today's modern society 

3. Footballers provide a valuable serivce to the community 

4. Maths is never useful. When was the last time you used trigonometry in the real world?

5. There is no point to the semi-colon

6. No matter how hard you try, science will never be cool


01/15 Direct Link
Day 19

Atlantis was not at South Woodham Ferrers. It was a shame really, it's quite a nice place. If we ever need to create a new Atlantis, I would start there.

After talking out my father's credit card, I purchased a book on the topic of Atlantis. It seems that most legeneds point to it falling into the sea. Obviously, a lot of people have already started looking there, so I decided to search in the opposite direction.

I was going to look in the air. For all we know, it cold be floating behind a cloud.

Till next time.
01/16 Direct Link
Welcome to the year 2460.

This country, formally known as the 'United Kingdom', has changed its name to 'Tesco's'. In order to raise money to kick-start the economy, the government allowed businesses to compete for the ultimate marketing scheme. The national anthem is now 'Every little helps'.

America and China have both suffocated on their own toxic fumes.

France have a new emperor, who is at this very moment fighting Germnay's new dictator.

Don't get me started on Russia.

Africa is still Africa. It never changes.

Welcome to the year 2460. Have fun.
01/17 Direct Link
Re-reading my entries, I have realised that I rather failed when it came to writing something nice.

I could try again, but what would be the point...No! Stop being defeatist.

Something nice...something...nice.


The smell of etching tank acid wafted gently over the air. It filled one's lungs with a sense of aliveness. T'was that time in electronics when PCBs are born, brought into the world by unassuming teenagers, to whom caring for such circuits often present a difficulty. Neverhteless, rear the PCBs they did, often to a bright future as an amplifier. Or a safe.
01/18 Direct Link

'Happy Birthday.'

'...Good guess, but that's not why I'm surrounded by presents.'

'Oh. What's that occasion?'

'I'm getting married.'

'...You can't get married. Why didn't you consult me?'

'Well, I...'

'I mean, this is a big decision. I've been your primary care for, what, eleven years? Now that you've got her, the whole status quo of our relationship will change forever!'

'Hang on, let me...'

'I bet she forced you into it. I can help. I can poison her drink.'



'I was only is my birthday. That's why there are presents...'

'Oh. Well. Erm...Happy Birthday.'

01/19 Direct Link

'Do you know what?'


'I have climbed the highest mountains.'

'Have you really?'

'I have. I have also run through the fields.'

'You haven't!.'

'I have! I even scaled these city walls.'

'That must have been difficult.'

'Yes, it was. I've spoken with the tounge of angels.'

'Angels or angles?'

'Angels. I think. Anyway. I also hedld the hand of the devil.'

'Was it warm?'

'Actually, it was surprisingly clammy. Still, I haven't found what I'm looking for.'

'Well, maybe you should actually try looking for it, rather than doing all those pointless activities.'

'...You could be right.'

'I am.'

01/20 Direct Link
Day 255

After spending many months of my time and much of my parent's money, I had finally passed my pilot's license. Freed of the restrictions gravity had placed upon me, I started up the engine and flew into the sky.

The first difficulty was deciding where to search. I surmised that Atlantis, being a big city, would have to hide somewhere that had plenty of cloud cover. This theory lead my to start my search in the UK air space.

After flying around for a few hours, I chose to end the trip. Nothing was discovered. New theory is needed.
01/21 Direct Link

Inspiration has left me, so I'll point out all of the mistakes in my previous entries.

01 - cynical is spelt wrong

02 - categorise, medium and between are spelt wrong. Also, it's terrible 

03 - exclusivity and inherent are spelt wrong

04 - preferred and endeavour are spelt wrong

07 - quarters and because are spelt wrong

10 - mathematical and murderer is spelt wrong

11 - depressive and frolics are spelt wrong

14 - service is spelt wrong

15 - legends is spelt wrong

16 - have should be has and Germany’s spelt wrong

17 - nevertheless is spelt wrong

19 - tongue and held are spelt wrong

20 - my should be me

01/22 Direct Link
Oliver looked out the window. It was raining.

It had been raining for three weeks now, with no sign of stopping. The ground had ceased to be visable days ago, cars were useless and the electricity was failing. In short, it was not a pleasant time.

Nobody knew why it was happening. All the experts, amatures and speculators were baffled. The religious nuts were claiming it was an act from God to puish all the sinners. Scientists thought it was Global Warming.

Oliver started regretting ignoring the man who told him to build an arc.   
01/23 Direct Link
There was someone I forgot to thank in my one week batch. How annoying.

Mr T.W. A truly wonderful person.

Thank you for keeping in touch with me, even though we go to different schools. You are one of the greatest friends a person could ask for. Honestly.

You don't need any advice. To all accounts, you are a perfect human being. I hope some of your perfectness washes off on me.

I also hope that we will remain friends. I will strive to keep you in my life for as long as is humanly possible.

Sorry about that.
01/24 Direct Link
'So, it's up to the man?'

'That's right. The women just let then get on with it. In fact, it's often the case that the females expects them to do it.'

'The man just hammers away.' 


'And the women take no part in the nailing?'

'They watch sometimes.'

'Or the screwing?'

'Well, they often complain about it afterwards.'

'I must say, I do find it rather strange. I would've thought the women would show more enthusiasm for the activity.'
'They don't seem to get as much pleasure from it as the men.'

'Well well. The wonderful world of DIY...'
01/25 Direct Link

Attempt number one:

'Do you fancy going to the ball with me?'

'No. You are far too ugly.'

'...I see your point.'

Attempt number fourty seven:

'I don't suppose you want to go to the ball with me?'

'Of course not. You have the personality of a cockroach and the wit of a carrot.'

'I'd like to think more the wit of a potato.'

Attempt number two hundred and five:

'Do you...'

'You've already asked me.'

'I was actually just wondering whether I could possibly borrow your pen?'



01/26 Direct Link
Barry was not very happy when he realised that he had died. In fact, he was rather miffed.

So he decided to make the most of the situation. He walked up to the Gates of Heaven and let himself in (St Peter having fallen asleep whilst doing a sudoku).

Ignoring the few people who were around him, Barry stalked towards the rather small house in the middle of Heaven, where God was outside cutting the grass.

A reasonable distance away, Barry shouted 'Why did you let me die?'

God looked up and replied calmly 'Why did you let you die?'
01/27 Direct Link
What would you look like?

What would you say and do? What actions of yours would I constantly look for and rejoice in?

How much pleasure would a single smile from you elicit? Surely it would be crude and improper to try and impose an earthly value on such a heavenly gift.

Would you laugh?

And, more importantl, what would I do to deserve you? Could it be possible that I cherish you more than any other human being on the earth? Would I rather take the fate of Sisyphus than be parted from you?

Yes, I would.
01/28 Direct Link
This is what really happened today.

You really did come over to me and engage me in conversation.

I really was rather witty and charming and eloquent.
You really did laugh at my jokes, and truly enjoyed my company.

I really did ask you out for dinner.

You really did accept.

I really pretended to take down your phone number, but I had really already memerised it.

You really did reluctantly leave.

I really did phone you again.

We really did have a wonderful conversation, with no awkward pauses.

We really did meet up again.

This is what happened.
01/29 Direct Link
Enough depressiveness.

Always look on the bright side of do, do do do do, do do

I have to finish this quickly. The government is on to me.

I have hidden codes in each of my batches, getting the revolutionaries organised. The songs and do do do's all have a special meaning that only they will understand.

The time is near. The password is already given at the top of the page. Say this at any jazz club and you will be welcomed by friends.

Time to go. And remember, the bees only have thirteen wings, but cows fly.
01/30 Direct Link
'Do you ever feel inferior?'

'All the time.'

'So, how do you deal with it?'

'I don't. I keep my anger and deperssion about being second-best to everyone locked up tight until one day, I'll finally explode with pure hatred.'

'Why don't you work harder, so that you become better then those people?'

'Then I would be subjecting them to the very same feelings that I have. Someone is going to have to feel terrible all the time. Just because you know me dosen't mean that it is morally better for me to shift these feelings onto someone else.'
01/31 Direct Link

Day...quite frankly, I don't care anymore.

It's nowhere. Absolutely nowhere. Who would have thought that Atlantis would have been so hard to find?

After spending the last of my parent’s money, It finally dawned on me that I had searched everywhere. There was no rock that I had left unturned, no mountain unclimbed, no sea unswum.

There is now a great gaping hole left in my life. What to do? Write a book on my adventures? Possibly.

Or, I could start looking for something even rarer and more precious.

I could start looking for Heaven.