12/01 Direct Link

I'm standing on the crest of a wave.

I'm looing down upon creation, seeing the souls swish from side to side, sliding down the rope of time. 

Some bump into knots, others get rope burn. All oblivious to the final freying that will end them all.

I climb onto the white horses and sail through air. Elements combined to create the world.

Who knows?   

Maybe everything is connected. Your atoms and mine, the trees the clouds the buildings.

After all this, I'm surprised to find that I'm cold.   

12/02 Direct Link
There is always a sense of expectation when we get to advent. It's a countdown. To what? Christmas, obviously. But could it be more? A countdown to the purification properties of snow. Each year we hope this strange substance will fall, cover the ground, submerge.

We seem obsessed with this. Why do we feel we need a brand new start? Are we so horrible in our daily lives that we need forgiveness every day? Then why save this until the birth of Christ?

I would assume that, as this miracle happened, another could enter our lives. 
12/03 Direct Link
You may need to sit down for this.


Ready? Ok.

Steady exhaling sound

I think and only think, that I' know...falling a love.

Well, maybe not love. Infatuation. Possibly. However, relatively new feelings are creeping up on me. It's like when you think you're being stalked, they're just tip-towing towards my back and then...KAPOW. In a good way. I think.

For once, I'm quite confused. Should I act upon these feelings or just leave them alone and hope they get crushed? What to do?

Then again, it could just be that I'm delusional.
12/04 Direct Link
You no longer need to worry. Yesterday, I was not feeling the effects of love.

In actual fact, I was feeling the effects of a heart-attack.

The strange tingling sensation, which I assumed was working its way across my heart, was really in my left arm.

The painful burning sensation was...well...a painful burning sensation. Not one of passion, but one telling me my heart had just about had enough.

It was quite a relief actually.

It's not that I'm against love. The fact is, I have never been very passionate about anything.

I should ease myself in.
12/05 Direct Link
I want to write something beautiful. Something in which I can truly express the emotions of my soul. Something to make you cry. Something to make me cry.

The trouble is, I find it impossible. Impossible to find the right words. There is no start. This beauty, which I am sure I contain somewhere, will never be able to be written, expressed in the proper terms. It is doomed to languish until it is extinguished forever. What can I do?


Then again, if the beauty never starts, then it will never finish. Is that a good thing?

Who knows?
12/06 Direct Link
A letter to my younger self (around 5 years old)

Hello precocious, upstart, arrogant thorn.

I detest you with an unearthly passion. I see you looking out of the photographs with that cocky smile. The wavey blond hair now turned cynical black. The eyes.

You always had to be the centre of attention. A look-at-me-I'm-wonderful. A light hogger. A plant that absorbs but gives nothing in return.

How did you turn into me? How did you manage to become the turtle-shelled-inward-looking-shy-retiring me?

I hope you no longer exist in my personality.
12/07 Direct Link
So now I was going out with someone I hated. Wonderful. She always has to show me off, whether to friends, family, strangers. Anyone who will listen. She holds my hand all the time. Her giggle makes me want to go and throw myself off a bridge. Just standing next to her makes me tense all my muscles, a natural reaction to escape a predator. It's not that I think I'm too good for her, it's just that she makes me want to kill myself.

'What're you thinkin'?'

'... Nothing much.'
Sweet, blissful ignorance.
12/08 Direct Link
A conversation with myself in the mirror...

'You really are an ugly human specimen.'

'Yeh, well. Blame the genes. I can't help what I've been endowed with.'

'Nevertheless, it doesn't stop you being an ugly human specimen.'

'True. At least I have a sparkling wit and wonderful personality.'

Uncontrollable laughter

'Hah. I crack me up.'


'It has just dawned on me that I have been talking to a mirror and laughing to myself.'

'The only think worse would be if your reflection started to talk back to you.'

'Yeh, at least that hasn't happened. If it did, I'd be mad'


12/09 Direct Link

'Why are you sitting in the kitchen. There is a party going on.'
'I have to extract myself from social situations, otherwise the world will emplode.'

'...And how did you reach that conclusion?'

'It's simple anti-matter. I am anti-social, therefore, should I ever touch anything social, we will both emplode, resulting in such an outburst of energy and gamma radiation that I would take the whole world with me.'


'You're sweet.'

'...Why are you still here? Why are you still talking to me? Most people would have run away by now.'

'You had me at the word emplode.'

12/10 Direct Link
I am sorry to tell you, but now there is very little chance of it happening...


To this wonderful writer, I present this ode.


Steamed Dumpling, you were always so witty
That is one of the main reason's I'm writing this ditty
You were always worth reading, your enteries were great
I laughed so hard I became an inebriate
Flowing and charming, you always reflected
Myself, I like to think, and should this be detected
By your great self I would like to say
You were my kindred spirit in every way.


Come back to the fold.
12/11 Direct Link

You will never know what this means.

You will never be able to understand what I have written, when I have written. Why did I write? That knowledge is mine alone. These words mean nothing to you. You, dear reader, are completley ignorant to the subtext, the subtle hints, the connotations. You can guess. Of course you can.


This will play on your mind. Whilst walking, you will silently wonder about the meaning. It will become an obsession. It will knaw constantly at the back of your mind until it works its way to the fontal lobe.



12/12 Direct Link

It is my destiny to become the leader of the revolution.

When the world is fed up with the current leaders always failing in their duties, I will be on call to arm and organise the force of disgruntled individuals. Firstly, we will tak France (It won't take that long), then, as I steadily gather followers, all the other countries will collapse and fall into my empire, the first truly free world. The first Utopia.

However, the dream will sour. I will become mad with power.

Everyone will have to call me 'Your royal sir highness of all' on Tuesdays.

12/13 Direct Link
Maybe I'm not destined for greatness.

Maybe I have to realise that I really am not that intelligent.

Maybe It's time to consider that I will fail.

I have always thought that I would be able to achieve anything. That I could shoot for the moon and reach the sun.

Now, a great sense of inferiority has crept over me, like a shadow over a lake. I feel that, should I shoot for the moon, I would crash and burn before I touched the clouds.

It could be time to finally accept reality.

I will not do well in life.
12/14 Direct Link
'I love you.'

... Oh no. No. Not now. Please do NOT say this. How can I respond? Honestly? I still hate you. By a lesser degree, cetainly, but still... I could never love you. I could endure you, but never progress onto love. I dearly want to tell you the truth, however, I am a coward. To tell you the truth would require me to become bold, daring. To do that would change my whole personality. I couldn't commit to that.

'...I love you too.'

It seems I'm here to stay. Forever a coward I will remain. 
12/15 Direct Link
'Have you ever had a happy thought?'

'Hmmm...Well, there was ...hang on, no, wait....What about...? No... No.'

'How can you cope?'

'It's not that I have depressive thoughts, it's just that happy thoughts can't survive in my head.'

'What, you mean they shrivel up and die?'

'...Something like that. It's like when you walk into a room and you just immediatly know that there's going to be nobody you like. The only things you can do are leave, adjust yourself so you fit in, or shrivel up and die.'

'You forgot option four.'

'Which is?'

'Change everybody else.'
12/16 Direct Link
Imagine if the whole world really was like a book.

This Christmas, rather than watching old people fall asleep, a strange young girl would knock on our door. She would reveal herself to be my half-sister, resulting in a family crisis with a few comidic moments made up of misunderstandings.

It would be guaranteed to snow on the 25th.

The air would sparkle with magic and laughter. Friends wold be made, enemies would recieve what they truly deserved.

But, as always, there would have to be a sad twist. My Nan would probably die.

The whole world's a book...
12/17 Direct Link
I have just had a sudden realisation of the truth.
An epiphany, if you will.

Everything changes 

You probably already knew this, but it has just dawned on me.


You are not always going to feel as inadequate as you do now. You are not always doomed to failure.
You are not always going to be alone.

How wonderful. Two words filled with inspiration and hope. Things not only can, but will change. You will rise up out of the depths. See a new sky and touch a new horizon. Be more than you are.

Everything changes.
12/18 Direct Link
You will be able to tell whether someone who is writing these batches is British through two subtle clues.

Firstly, we are the only ones who can spell properly.

For pity's sake, colour has a 'u' in it.

Secondly, today's batch will inevitably be filled with amazment and wonderings about snow.

Every year, without fail, we are desperately hoping and praying for snow. More specifically, we are hoping that the snow will mean that we are unable to go to school, work, visit relatives etc... 

Every year we gaze in wonderment as it falls, exclaim when it settles.
12/19 Direct Link



'How come Santa can get around the world in one night?'

'He's magical.'

'Like the stork?'

'Yes, exactly like the stork.'

'...How come Santa can drive his sliegh after having lots and lots of mulled wine, but that policeman pulled you over after having only one glass and gave you three points?'

'Well...Santa doesn't really come into contact with many policemen'.

'You mean he's like as outlaw?'

'No! It's just that...he has special immunity.'

'So if he nocked someone down and killed them, he wouldn't go to jail?'

'Not unless he did it in America.'


12/20 Direct Link
When you think about it, the probability of you existing is astronomically small.

You have the probability of your parents meeting each other out of the billions of other people they could have found, multiplied by the probability of their parents meeting, multiplied by their parents meeting, with this stretching forth for the history of all mankind.
Looking at it from this perspective, you are incredibly lucky to be alive.

Therefore, as we are the lucky ones, we have a moral obligation to make our life as meaningful as possible.

Otherwise, we're cheating those who could have been, but aren't.
12/21 Direct Link
I find it facinating that the whole reason we evolved to become the dominant species was due to the fact that we were hungry.

When it came to gathering food, there was always the difficulty of finding the right sort.

Then, one bright spark had an idea:

'Hey, guys! You know these hard nuts? Why don't we hit them with rocks to crack them open?'

'I don't know...'  

'Just give it a try.'

Which lead to man creating the first tool. More food meant that we could provide more energy for the brain, making us smater.

All because we were greedy.
12/22 Direct Link
This is it. I have been working up to this moment for all eternity. Deep breath.



'...We need to talk.'

Oh no. Her eyes had widened. They were starting to shine. Those unearthly blue eyes were being coated softly with tears. A strand of hair had fallen onto her face, giving her a disheveled facade. For the briefest of moments, with the sun shining on her features, she looked devistatingly beautiful. I'm sure it was how Pompey would have looked like before the volcano.

'Should we go to mine or yours for Christmas?'    

...Why do I have a conscience?
12/23 Direct Link
'I've just found this weird new website.'

'If you're trying to trick me and it's another porn site, I'll have the priest cleanse you with Holy Water.'

'No. It's called 100 words.'

'Strange name. What's it about?'

'Well, from looking at it, it seems people with low self-esteem and very little confidence write about how terrible their life is for around 100 words a day. I say around, as many are two or three under or over.' 

'What's the point of it?'

'That's a rather good question.'


'I swear, some of the people on here are utter psychopaths.'
12/24 Direct Link
T'was the night before Christmas
When all through the place
A jazz band started playing with
The mouse on the bass

Along came Saint Nick
(He'd had too much sherry)
He threw up on my mother
And passed out on the telly

But the jazz band kept playing
Until along came the beer
And when musicians get drunk
It's best to stay clear

Rudolph came in
But he was high on cocaine
And after a bottle of vodka
He was completely slain

Come one, come all
'Round our house to remeber
Another 'merry' Chirstmas
Perhaps we'll pass out till December


A poem for today's generation

12/25 Direct Link
I'm not going to do it. No way. At no point in this entry will I talk about it. Nothing. Ziltch. Everybody else will, with their funny stories or uplifting annecdotes, but not me. I'm going to be original. I will flatly refuse to mention or even concider mentioning the thing everyone is mentioning.

You know. It.

The most wonderful time of the year. Where there are presents. And a fat man. And family. Trees. Decorations. You know, that time of year. Where we sing 'Joy to the world' and 'We wish you a Merry Christmas'.

12/26 Direct Link
It was the middle of the night.

Actually, come to think about it, it was the night before Christmas.

All was dark in my room. No sound. I was dozing in and out of sleep, the real world mingling with that of pure fantacy.

Suddenly, the door to my room opens, and in walks a figure, its figure faintly outlined by what little light there was.

For the briefest moment, the child in me thought 'SANTA'

Unfortunately, it was not Santa. It was my Grandmother, who, being a little bit doddery, had mistaken my room for the bathroom.
12/27 Direct Link
There was a large 'puff' in my kitchen. The Devil payed me a visit.
'Hello Devil.'

'Good morning David.'

He promptly sat down and started to help himself to my toast. After a few minutes, I asked him what he wanted.

'It's quite simple. In order to determine whether you go to Hell, I will balance your soul on my scales. If it weighs less than your heart, then you will enter eternal torture.'

So, he took out his scales and weighed my soul against my heart.

Unfortunately, I had recently had a transplant. The results were inconclusive.

12/28 Direct Link
Wise wisdom from the religion of Buddishm

1. It is not the end. It is not the beginning of the end. However, it could be the end of the beginning.

2. There is no shame in stealing wise quotes from other people.

3. Should you make allegations, you must be prepared to take the role of the allegator.

4. Give to the poor willingly, and they will not beat you.

5. Give to the rich willingly, and you are a fool.
6. Love one another, but not too much.

7. If you are surrounded by darkness, turn on a light.
12/29 Direct Link
He shot Happy today
As he went on his way
Laughing and gay.

Nobody's smiling anymore. 

He killed Hope this morning
When he was stretching and yawning
As the new day was dawning.
Without hope, what are we?

If you can guess what happened to Charity
Your imagination must be better than me
As he was found swinging from a tree.

There was no-one to help him down.

Faith has gone missing
Presumed dead or 'gone fishing'
But there is no booing or hissing.

Since when has faith been important?

And who could have done these horrible crimes?

Only one person

Insanity...or humanity   

12/30 Direct Link

'I have some questions.'

'You always have questions.'

'First. Why do we ask questions?'

'Because we're humans. Next.'

'Why do humans need to ask questions?'

'To give us the illusion that we think about life and its meaning. It makes us look intelligent. I love the irony. Those who ask the most questions are seen as the most knowledgeable.'

'What is the meaning of life?'

'To learn.'

'How long is a piece of string?'

'As long as the sky.'

'What does red smell like?'

'Sulphuric acid mixed with pure anger.'

'...What do you want to eat?'

'No idea. Something light.'

12/31 Direct Link
So we come to the end of a year. The last day of 2009. What will this decade be remebered for? Good question.


Our failure to tackle global warming.

MPs claiming for a duck house.

Our claim in the history books. How the future generations will laugh and ridicule us. They will hate us for leaving them with the future we destroyed. They will pity us, like adults do when they see young children fighting over a toy, not realising the important things in life.

Is there hope?

Well, if there is, it is down to us.

Everything changes.