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06/01 Direct Link
Today was the last Monday of the school year. I feel like my brain is about to burst. There’s so much review work, research to find, lockers to clean out, blah blah blah. My head is full of thoughts about different classes, friends, and teachers, plus the book I’m reading, the story I’m writing, and my— non-existent— love life. Time to practice driving; no, time to answer this text message; no, time to eat. I have all the time in the world to do all this. Why does it feel like so much?

Hey, Monday. Have you met my PMS?
06/02 Direct Link
The music is bumping, the lights are dim, people are sweaty and thirsty. I glance away from my circle of girl friends and see a girl in one of my classes talking to a guy. A hot guy. But it seems just friendly, so I walk over.

“Hey,” I say to my friend.
“Hey!” she says back. “I want you to meet my friend.”
Hello, there.”

My heart seems to stop.

Moments later we talk and dance. We discuss music, school, friends, all that jazz.

Slow dance time.
He’s TALL.
He crouches down to my height, making me laugh.

Sigh.
06/03 Direct Link
Butterflies.

When his hand would find mine, or when his arm stretched up as he “yawned,” knowing full well that I knew full well what he was doing. When his leg shook impatiently. When I sat, scared and shy. When he whispered in my ear,

“Tell me what happens! Pleeeeease?
“You’ll have to see on your own!”
“I think I know.”

Then, BAM. His lips on mine.

Shy smiles, red-hot faces. I glanced at the screen. Bella and Edward had their first kiss.

“I told you!”

Laughter. Chemistry.

Ruined by an AIM conversation.

We “live too far, you know?”

Boys.
06/04 Direct Link
Just imagine. . .

One hundred letters,
One hundred numbers,
One hundred dots,
One hundred hearts,
One hundred stars,
One hundred suns,
One hundred moons,
One hundred smiles,
One hundred blinks,
One hundred heartbeats,
One hundred winks,
One hundred laughs,
One hundred tears,
One hundred goals,
One hundred dreams,
One hundred songs,
One hundred fears,
One hundred handshakes,
One hundred hugs,
One hundred kisses,
One hundred inside jokes,
One hundred wishes,
One hundred popsicles,
One hundred late-night calls,
One hundred lyrics,
One hundred secrets,
One hundred dollars,
One hundred pictures,
One hundred days,
One hundred words,

. . .all in your hands.
06/05 Direct Link
Valentine's Day.

I opened the door. He stood there with a dozen roses and a teddy bear in hand.

“Hey there.”
“Oh my GOD!”

After hugging him, putting the flowers in a vase and the teddy in my room, walking out to the car, and driving, we got ice cream and then saw Friday the 13th.

Heat rushed to my face as we held hands.
Parking lot, back seat.
Heat rushed to my body as he held me.
We whispered three words.
Our lips touched softly.
The Notebook. The couch. Wonderwall.
Again, “I love you.”


Then, he ignored me. Completely.
06/06 Direct Link
First day of summer, when I’m not even thinking about him, when I haven’t thought about him for a long time, when I was finally just about over the hurt of losing him, when the song Gonna Get Caught by Demi Lovato made me feel vindicated and powerful and like I was really and truly over him, and he really would be out of my head, when I was really starting to believe “out of sight, out of mind,” when I accepted the fact that I would never talk to him again . . .

I get a MySpace message.
06/07 Direct Link
He wanted to hang out.
He wanted to catch up.
He wanted to chill out.

I wanted to say,

I have no idea how I’ll feel upon seeing you again. We haven’t spoken, much less seen each other, in four months. Since Valentine’s day. You ignored my calls, made me feel like crap, pushed me to the edge of breaking up with you. You want to “catch up” with a group of six people, hanging out? No.

Instead, I said this:

Sure, although I don’t know how I’ll feel seeing you again. But I’ll never know until I do, right?
06/08 Direct Link
Sitting on the swing in my backyard, I look up at the sky and wonder what it would be like to fly, to get away, to be something different, to be somewhere else.

Lying on my back in my bedroom, I look up at the ceiling and wonder what it would be like to touch the real stars that, in front of me, are just painted on.

Gazing into your eyes, I look up and close mine before I cry and wonder what it would be like if this moment could last forever, if you and I could be forever.
06/09 Direct Link
The day came to hang out together.

And it wasn’t too awkward.

Seeing him again didn’t conjure up old feelings. It didn’t spur any hatred or romance. Seeing him again only helped me to see what I had already unconsciously resolved to myself. But the thought became almost tangible, it was so real.

I was over him.
And we could still be friends.

I could put the anger aside, rid myself of the grudge I was holding because of the pain he put me through. I could forgive all that and we could be friends.

But I will never forget.
06/10 Direct Link
I absolutely love music.

But I don’t just listen to songs for the melody. Sure, the instruments play a humongous part in making a song enjoyable. But what I really listen for is the lyrics. I love lyrics because I love words in general.

(Why else do you think I’m on this site?)

=)

Some of my favorite lyrics are the ones that can make people think. Songs with deep or inspirational lyrics can make me feel something amazing inside.

As the saying goes—and I do not know the author of this quote—“Music is what feelings sound like.”
06/11 Direct Link
Lyric of the day:

“Even in the Dark” Company of Thieves


"Those who seek no answers
Keep it from the table,
Ignorance is eaten up
When everyone must be fed.

This life is constant hunger;
See it in the dreamers,
Believe in the believers of
Never-ending love,
An end is kind of love

Find your calling,
Even in the dark,
You gotta find your calling,
Even in the dark,
Everyone must be heard,
Even in the darkness."


The message in this is easily spelled out.

Find your calling.
Do what you love to do.
Speak up about what you believe.
06/12 Direct Link
Imagine if you could be someone completely different than who you are right now.

You could get to
live in a different house,
have a different job,
dress differently,
have a different hairstyle,
different eye color,
different gender,
different personality,
different sexuality,
different age,
different everything.

A whole new, different life.

Anyone, and everyone, who plays The Sims gets that opportunity.

More specifically, anyone and everyone who plays The Sims 2 or 3 gets that opportunity. Those are the ones that let you age,
and you can choose to be
a child, teenager, adult, or elder.

It’s a sweet game.
06/13 Direct Link
Writing one hundred words is a challenge. Writing one hundred words is a challenge. Writing one hundred words is a challenge. Writing one hundred words is a challenge. Writing one hundred words is a challenge. Writing one hundred words is a challenge. Writing one hundred words is a challenge. Writing one hundred words is a challenge. Writing one hundred words is a challenge. Writing one hundred words is a challenge. Writing one hundred words is a challenge. Writing one hundred words is a challenge. Writing one hundred words is a challenge. Copy and paste isn’t.

I had nothing to write.
06/14 Direct Link
Those five words are intimidating:
Who I’d Like to Meet.

If I took the time, I’d be writing
a novel about that person.

Instead, I’ll write here about it.


I would like to meet:
a guy who’s loving, honest, trustworthy, smart, funny, and cute;
a guy who listens to me,
and talks to me,
whose kisses make my heart race.

I would like to meet the perfect guy:
the Chandler to my Monica,
the Noah to my Allie,
the Eric to my Donna,
the Edward to my Bella,
the Cory to my Topanga.

Is that too much to ask for?
06/15 Direct Link
So I haven’t written in a while, and I’m glad that this site lets people make up days. I’m trying to think of what I did on Tuesday. I know that it was a week since I saw my ex-boyfriend for the first time again. And I also know that that same day was the day that I met someone new. Granted, I didn’t get to talk to this guy a lot, but he was pretty cute, and funny, and nice, and apparently smart and “perfect for me,” as two of my friends say. Who knows what will happen?

;)
06/16 Direct Link
I didn’t know that smiley faces actually count as words in Microsoft Word. That is what I’m using to write these one hundred word entries—I do the word count, copy and paste, format the whole thing with spacing, bold, and italics, and submit my entry. But I’m a total perfectionist about it. If I preview an entry and the spacing is weird, or there’s one word that I think should go on another line, I need to restructure the wording so it all fits.
It needs to be eye-catching and perfect,
or it can’t be submitted.

Is that normal?
06/17 Direct Link
I’m seeing him again.

:)

Plans for Friday: chill out with the group, play basketball, walk around, go to a friend’s house and watch movies.

Just like last Tuesday.
When I saw my ex.
And when I met this new guy.

According to my friend, this guy is somewhat interested in getting to know me better, as I am interested in him. He can be shy, but he will make the first move if I want him to, according to my friend. I'm somewhat shy and would want him to make the first move, too.

We’ll see what happens.

;)
06/18 Direct Link
Books like Go Ask Alice (author anonymous), Crank, and Glass by Ellen Hopkins are so scary, intriguing, juicy, creepy, and well-written to the point of just reinforcing my pledge to myself to be above the influence.

I am reading to keep myself less nervous. Because just thinking about seeing this guy puts my stomach butterflies in motion, even though I don’t know if I like him like him or not because I haven’t seen him since last Tuesday and that was the first time I saw him.

But hey, I’ve always believed in
some kind of love at first sight.
06/19 Direct Link
Guess what today was?

Guess who was nervously excited all day?

Guess who wasn’t at my friend’s house today like he said he would?

Guess who got her hopes up, and then they were crushed when he didn’t show up?

Guess who talked to this guy briefly anyway, later in the day, on XBOX live?

Guess who loves the sound of
his voice, and his laugh?

Guess who, apparently, thinks I’m pretty?

Guess who I might see tomorrow?

Guess who doesn’t want to get her
hopes up for tomorrow?

Guess who can’t possibly fall sleep now?

Did you guess yet?
06/20 Direct Link
So I didn’t see him today.
And I have this song stuck in my head.

“On Top of the World” Boys Like Girls

”Look up, the stars are fading
And I am still here waiting
To see you again,
Be with you my friend, when
The moon is gone forever,
I hope you're up there somewhere.
I'll see you again,
Be with you my friend.

Let's spend tonight
On top of the world.
We can do anything,
We can be anything.
I'll meet you tonight
On top of the world.
As real as it seems,
You're only in my dreams.”
06/21 Direct Link
Being single is great— and also sucks.

I get to check out all the cute guys I want when I go to the mall, or any place.

Then I see couples walking hand-in-hand, with the gaze of love in their eyes, and inside I wish I could have that.

I get to make jokes about wishing he was my boyfriend— no, him.

I even get to put my hands up when Single Ladies comes on.

But then I listen to songs and watch movies about being in love and I remember how it felt like, long to feel it again.
06/22 Direct Link
My mom’s birthday is the same as mine.
Once she told me she had a “birthday” resolution: that she was going to, very soon, quit smoking.

Four days afterwards
(5 years and 7 months ago;
2,039 days ago today
),
she did. And I was so proud of her.

Every month on my calendar,
the 22nd said “Mama’s quit day!”

In grammar school, I made her a card every month that had a circle with a line drawn through it, and a cigarette in the middle, the front reading “HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!”
or “I’M SO PROUD OF YOU!”

I still am now.
06/23 Direct Link
I’ve learned not to get my hopes up about seeing this guy. The first time I met him, I wasn’t expecting him at all. And when we were supposed to hang out together again, and I wanted him to be there, he didn’t show up. So when my friend says everyone is hanging out this Saturday— which means he may possibly be there— I’m trying to think to myself not to worry about if he’ll be there or not, what I’ll wear, what I’ll say, or if I should bring my gum and lip gloss.

I’m really trying.
And failing.
06/24 Direct Link
I’ve been called weird. I have had a lot of those dorky moments, and I've said things that no one else understands. But doesn’t everyone?

I’ve been called crazy, too— “boy crazy,” because I’ve had so many different crushes throughout the years. But hasn’t everyone?

I’ve been called desperate. But I don’t think I’m that desperate. Everyone has definitely been single before. And I just happen to really want a boyfriend. But I don’t need one to survive, at the moment. I'm only longing for love and companionship with someone else. But doesn’t everyone?

We're all normally weird, differently similar.
06/25 Direct Link
The plans have changed for Sunday now, and it’s “most likely” that everyone can make it.

But I’m not getting my hopes up. I’m not thinking about seeing the boy, who shall remain nameless on this site, again.
I’m most definitely not thinking about what I’m going to say. I didn’t go to the mall, buy a new top, and think to myself, “I should wear this on Sunday.” I have not pictured this guy smiling, laughing, talking to me. And I am most definitely not wondering about bringing gum and lip gloss.

Just so you know, I’m totally lying.
06/26 Direct Link
Well, not totally.

I know I’m bringing gum and lip gloss.



Rich-text editor is weird. I didn’t have to keep putting in the HTML to make spaces or bold or anything, but then the result wasn’t in the font I wanted, which is Arial. I like the default font for this site. I’m not sure if it would stay Arial or Times New Roman once the entry was filed, because I didn’t try. I just reset my settings back to the normal way.

Sometimes change is good, or it’s something some people can’t get used to because familiarity is comforting.
06/27 Direct Link
So I skipped a couple days of writing. So I think I’ll update you on the situation with this “new” boy again.

I got to see him on the last day of June!

I was getting ready to hang out with a couple friends, and then, five minutes before I get there, I find out that this guy will be there. I was trying to just calm myself down. But the closer I got to my friend’s house, the more my mind would race with possibilities; would we talk to each other? Does he like me?

Do I like him?
06/28 Direct Link
So we talked. We joked. We laughed. We sang. We held hands. We played Hang Man. We said we like each other. We said we need to hang out a lot more often. We hugged.
And I floated home in my daydreams of seeing him again.

I am back in crush mode, and I can’t believe how much I missed the feeling.

His smile, his laugh, his voice, his eyes— gosh, his eyes!— his shyness, his sense of humor, his personality, the way he’s himself in front of me . . . it’s quite amazing.

=)

I love smiley faces.
06/29 Direct Link
So it looks like I have 200 words left to write. Well, now it’s 185. What should I write about? Hmm. Well right now it’s really July 1st at 4:27 in the morning. I cannot sleep because I just had an amazing day with awesome friends and a guy I now am officially saying that I like. I should just stay up another few hours until my mom goes to work, and then nap for a couple hours. But I think after I write these words, I’ll try to get in a couple power-sleep hours. This was a random entry.
06/30 Direct Link
I cannot wait for these upcoming events:

Getting five stars on every song on medium on GH2— TBA. Hanging out with him again— TBA. Starting and finishing my summer project— ASAP. Jonas Brothers concert— less than 2 weeks away. Workshop for writing— 2ish weeks away. July 2009 batch, where I will actually try to write daily
a few hours away.

The site was weird during my May batch, and I wanted to finish it quickly so it kind of sucks. I consider this my first real batch that opened up a window into my life.

Hope you enjoyed reading it!