That place.
Where your legs join.
I remember it so well.
Your scent frolics lightly in my memories.
Gardenias and Honey...
The delicious sweat between your breasts was like wine.

I remember the tangle of bodies.
[Legs, Arms, Hair]
And the words left unspoken.
[Where did I end and you begin?]

Was this wrong?
Was this right?
Did you care?

And your eyes, filled with tears,
As I stared at the back window of your mom’s
Thunderbird.
As it sped away.

And here we are, futures apart,
Trapped by golden rings and diamonds, love. What am I supposed to do?

I feel unaccomplished.

I feel like I’ve let myself down.

I feel caged.
Afraid.
Yet, more grown-up than ever before.

Can someone please tell me what the hell I’m doing?

Who am I kidding…
You don’t know either.

There are things I want to do.
Want to get done.

But, everything costs so much.
If not money,
Then, blood.
Time.
Sanity.
Something…
Everything costs something.

Sometimes, I disgust myself,
But, sometimes that turns me on.

I’m so confused.
Sometimes.
All the time.

Right now.

So many thought jumbled in my head
For a measly Saturday morning.

This day means nothing.

I think I’ve lost my writing ability. I don’t have anything to write about anymore. And anytime I write something I get pissed and erase it, because it doesn’t sound good. So, I end up getting mad and writing about how I can’t write.

It’s frustrating because I used to be a good writer. I used to know words and grammar and all that, but now I sound like a Podunk or something. My sentences and grammar are all wrong and I haven’t any subjects to write about.

And getting frustrated doesn’t help anything. It does just the opposite. Actually.

I had to re-do my laptop today.
I had to restore it.
Now my life fills empty,
And I find that sad.

Everything is on this laptop.
I could only save what fit on DVDs.
I hope I got everything.
I feel like there's so much I forgot.

It's like I don't even know what to do with myself.

I feel like I ruined something.
Let's just hope I can get back into the swing of things.

My Dungeons & Dragons campaigns are all done on here.
All my books.
My websites.
Scripts to our comic book.

Wow.

God, I sound pathetic.

But, in al honesty, I had a good day.
I got out with my husband.
Rode around.

I like to live my life by the words of a “great novel”. It will go down in history as one of “mankind’s greatest works”. Also, I hate quotation marks used around words to make them “ironic” or “sarcastic”. But I’ll do it anyway.

As I was saying, I like to live my life by the words of ‘Oh, the Places You’ll Go!’ by Dr. Seuss. Everyone always laughs when I tell them that. And then I tell them to go home and read it. Really read it. And think it.

And then, they don’t laugh anymore.

They understand it.

We have absolutely no money.
We won’t be able to pay our room-mate rent this week.

But, for the first time
In a long time.

I feel that my life is less hectic.
I feel less stressed and more loved.

All because the room isn’t messy.
It isn’t dirty.

I’m getting along with my husband.
Most of my family.
All of my friends.

And it feels great.

We still can’t afford gas.
The world’s going to hell.
People want to kill us.
People hate us.

But, I’m young, in love, and happy.
For once.

But, I still miss you grandpa.

Why is it whenever I meet a girl and I know they’re physically attracted to me, no matter if I’m physically attracted to them or not, I become infatuated? Even if they are sort of, kind of… okay… really ugly. At least, ugly to me.

I miss the freedom of not being married too much, is what it is. But, still when it comes down to it, I love my husband too much to have sex with another girl.

But, it sure is getting harder not to.
I don’t think I was as bi-sexual as I thought.
I really don’t.

So, my husband and I have been taking vitamins all week and I’ve never felt better. I feel like I can accomplish most things. So that’s new and exciting, eventually, before the month is out I’d like to feel like I’m not writing blog-like things, but I really can’t help it. Nothing has inspired me today, made me think I should write about it. I am, however, getting my hair dyed today, so, go me!

We’ve got to clean tonight or the room-monsters (mates) will go bonkers. We’re on a cleaning schedule, but they never do their’s. It’s rubbish, really.

I feel like I’m less of a woman because I can’t have kids. Or, presumably, almost certainly cannot have children.

My friends don’t get it. They all say why not adopt? Why not something else?

They can’t understand that, in my mind, it hurts so much to not be able to have children, that, I want something wholly mine or it would just be a constant reminder.

And I would fear not loving that child as much as I could.

And that would make me a horrible mother.

So, I’d rather be miserable and not have children than risk that.

It is my dad’s birthday on the 16th and I’ve yet to call him. There are no problems between us or anything, in fact, my dad’s probably my favorite person in my family… but after years of feeling abandoned, it’s just really hard to pick up that phone. I shouldn’t feel pressured; he doesn’t call me on my birthday or the day after my birthday, which he sometimes mistakes my birthday for. It isn’t like he’s gotten me a present in so long or he calls me when he’s not single. But I love me dad, and grudges are petty.

It’s none of my business, but why are you wasting your time with drugs and drugs and more drugs. I hate judging people, but, you really are a waste of space. Are you going to do anything with your life? You’re ridiculous, you go around talking about other people like you’re any better.

You need to get your life together before you lose what friends you do have. I thought you were worth something once. At least, you were worth something to me. And then, I saw your true colors. Get over yourself. You’re not what I thought you were.

Why would someone make a game as hard as Link II: The Legend of Zelda. Is there anyone on Earth that’s actually beat that game not using cheats? It’s crazy. I want to beat it, but it’s like the hardest game on Earth. They should make that a test for becoming President of the United States because that has to be an amazing use of ‘strategery”.

Speaking of tests to become president, they should make it a rule that the president has to win 15 different games of Risk against some random smart guy. And then 2 games of Chess.

I’ve been watching Weeds now for, like, 5 days straight and I can’t stop.
I think I’m addicted.
Other than that, I’ve been working on my website.
It’s the best website I’ve ever had.
It looks awesome.
It took me hours to get it right though.

I’m nearing the end of season 3 now.
Shane flipped and started talking to his dad.
I think everyone on the show is so hot.
Conrad.
And, Kevin Nealon, but who doesn’t love him.
I don’t know how I didn’t hear of this show before.
I wonder when The L Word is back on.

So, David and Heather haven’t cleaned in forever. I’m not here to be their bitch. If they don’t clean tomorrow, I’m not cleaning next week. It’s their damn week and we’ve got camping to do. I’ve been really pissed about it all week, and I’ve got a headache. I hate this headache. I wish I knew why I have it. It’s terrible and it’s putting me in a bad mood. Timmy needs to come over and see me. I miss him so much. But, I miss Gabe, and he’s right here next to me sleeping, so I am silly. Yeah.

It’s come to my attention that I have close to nothing to write about and now I’m just writing. I hate this. I used to be good. Most of my entries are probably me just complaining about how I’m not good at writing anymore. This is sad. I really just want to be able to write again. That’s why I’m getting some good writing prompt books for Christmas. I really think that will help me out. And I want the book, Wreck This Journal. It looks sweet. I might get some Japanese books while I’m at it too. Jolly good.

So, my dad’s getting married again in February, this’ll be number 4. That’s a lot of marriage. And he’s only 44. That’s old, but not that old. I’m not supposed to tell my grandmother because she’ll just say something about it. I won’t tell anyone. I think dad deserves to be happy. And I really do think this one will work out. She’s his age and settled and a lot like him not young and wild like the rest. And this one doesn’t seem like she’ll turn crazy, so here’s hoping. I hope he doesn’t want me in the wedding.

So, I just got back from camping a few days ago. I took some pictures. I wish our camera would work better. I hate our camera. It sucks. I’m just talking to get rid of 100 words to write. I wish my heart would be in it more, it would be awesome, but alas I’m just rambling to make 100 words right now. And I’m sleepy. I hate being sleepy. So, I guess that’s kind of aggravating me. And also, my husband won’t work on our comic book anymore. He just plays his guitar most of the time. It sucks.

I don’t know how it happened. But, I am now completely and utterly obsessed with Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. I love it. I wish I could find something that I could properly get for Christmas to express my fangirl-y joy to the masses, but there’s really not much. And a shirt doesn’t really help. Just anyone could have a shirt, you know. But, I’m hardcore so I need something else. Like a necklace or something. I’m joking about the hardcore part, though. I’m getting 113 dollars worth of books for Christmas though. I love books. I eat them for breakfast.

The clock strikes two and two again.
I eat a strawberry tart.
The clock strikes two and two again.
For she who has my heart.

They call me nuts, they call me mad.
I’ve buttered up the works.
I am a loon and quite mad.
But she understands my quirks.

Clean cup, clean cup. Move down, move down.
It’s my un-birthday too.
We’ll sing, we’ll cheer. All day, all year.
For time is all askew.

The clock strikes two and two again.
I eat a strawberry tart.
The clock strikes two and two again.
For she who has my heart

A grin without a cat, I guess,
Is what put me in this awful mess.
I confess, I must attest,
I’m in a state of much distress.

And now I’m at a writer’s block with this one. Sorry. But, there’s a little taste of a poem I tried to write today. I love the Cheshire Cat. He’s awesome. I’m going to make this writer’s black go away if it’s the last thing I do. I hate this. I’m not me without words. I’ve always said it. If I can’t say things that I mean, then I can’t possibly be me.

I love John and Hank Green. They make my life so much better. They make happy. I love how people as geeky as me are as awesome as they are. I love that Hank writes songs about Harry Potter. I love the John writes books that are as great as they are. I love that they both are semi-famous and they still care so much about their fans and the Nerdfighters. It’s great. I love how fast they talk and how Hank likes Science Fiction. And I love My Pants. I’m kind of obsessed. But, that’s okay with me. Yeah.

I’m trying to decide whether I want a Bamboo tablet for Christmas. I don’t think I do. I mean, I kind of do because I could do so much with my dolls, but I won’t use it as much as I could. And if I really needed to, I could always use Gabe’s WaCom Tablet. I think. I mean, he keeps saying that the pen on it doesn’t work, but I don’t know. But, I’m running out of things for my Christmas List. But, I’m getting RAMUNE! I’m so excited. It’s the best thing ever. I get some every Christmas.

I don’t know what to write about today. I’m out of things to write about. But, I’m going to finish writing all these because I have to accomplish it. I have to accomplish this 101 Things list or I’m going to punch things. I really want to get my website done too. I think I’ve almost got it done. I think at least. It’s hard though. But, I’m determined to get this one done. And I’ve got a headache today. It’s almost 5 pm and I haven’t ate anything yet. And it’s supposed to storm today. Scary! I hate storms.

Yesterday was Gabe and mine’s anniversary of being together, not the marriage one. We’ve been together 4 years now. How crazy is that for me? I’ve never been in a relationship that long. I mean, I know I’m married to the guy, but it’s still think it’s crazy. It doesn’t matter. I love him still and everything too. Weird. I know, right? I’m joking. Sometimes I’m unhappy, but I’ve definitely never been as unhappy as I was with Matt or anyone else. Anyways, my cat ran away, well, one of my cats ran away. It’s sad. I miss her. Sad.

I think somewhere along the way, I might fall in love with you and I don’t know what to do with that knowing I lost my chance a long, long time ago. You’re my ‘Treehouse Homie’ until the very end. And that makes me smile.

It’s not you’re looks, though you’re very sexy. I’m lame, I know. Your personality out shines everything in my world.

I will say, there is no way it would ever work out though… you’re a crazy pants fiend and you know it. There is no way I could ever keep up with you. Crazy lady.

We’re running out of places to go. We’re in a dead end hall and we’re almost finished and I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried. I’m tired. Dead tired.

I’m running out of things to say. Running out of ‘sorrys’ and silence.

What do you want from me? I’m trying with everything in me right now but nothing is good enough for you?

I feel so alone. On a small island surrounded by the emptiness that has been you lately.

People don’t like the music I listen to half the time. I listen to everything so all my friends have something to say about something I listen to. But, if a song or a group holds so much meaning to you as it can actually keep you sane or turn your life around, it’s so worth everything.

I’m not a juggalette, but I’ve been listening to ICP since ’97 and there is nothing bad in this. They’ve helped me see that you have to live life and not care what others things and just wild out sometimes. Live life, man.

I have been meaning to make DnD maps all week and have yet to do what I’m supposed to do. I’m a bad DM. I deserve to be punished. Don’t mind me, I’m lame. But, I have to get them done soon. Or I’m not going to have anymore friends to play with.

I’m really excited about the whole game, it’s just I have so much other stuff to get done. I don’t work, so it seems like I don’t but I have stuff to do all day usually.

I don’t really know what to write about, I’m just rambling.

I wish I could just think 100 words and they’d appear here all at once. Wouldn’t that be cool?

So lately I’ve had an obsession with Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland and The Lorax. I have no idea why. Seriously. I’m getting a shirt for Christmas that says a Lorax quote on it. And I’ve got this project for Alice planned. I just need to get some cool shit.

There’s a magnifying glass necklace I want from the thrift store, but it looks like I won’t get it. I really want it though. I want to put a key on it.

Well, the month is almost up and I’m almost done. How excited am I? Only very! I’m tired tonight though. Really wanting sleep. I shall have it soon if I have to storm the castle and claim it as my bride. Or some such weird stuff like that there.

Can you tell my world is fun? As Willow from Buffy says, I make my own fun.

Soooooo… I don’t really know what to write about… I keep saying I’m lame, and you don’t understand I really, really am. I wouldn’t lie to you. We’re tight like that. Yes we are.

So, last day.

We all gon’ die, but I’m not gon’ fry.

Even though most never try

I’m not gon’ let this pass me by, no.

That’s my message to the world. Lol. Well, it’s ICP’s but that’s the kind of stuff that gets me all hopeful and stuff.

Anyways, I had kind of fun, although it was hard to keep up with and I can’t write anymore so it wasn’t as fun with the lack of poetry.

Also, my backspace button keeps messing up and it’s a filthy liar. Yeah. And that’s what I’m going to leave you with.