04/01 Direct Link
Reading your words makes me realize everything that is wrong with me. I'm a screwed up, depressed, manipulative, confused girl who's wandering around hoping to make good choices. Who knows? Maybe if I screw life up enough times, I'll finally hit upon something that makes everything all right. I miss you, Jonathan. You don't owe me a thing, which is probably why you are giving me absolutely nil, but I miss you. I know I've made yet another mistake in my long string of those, but I don't understand why you won't speak to me. I want…I don't know, I'll
04/02 Direct Link
never know, because I'm lost. I found a tiny piece of something when you changed my life, and I think that may be gone forever. All I know is that right now I'm feeling totally irrational. Perhaps the only way I can find any clarity is through irrationality – because I never see the destruction I cause and the people I kill until I'm a complete mess. And you know what the worst part is? All of this is all my fault, and it always will be. Everything that goes wrong in my waste of a life is all my fault.
04/03 Direct Link
Today I ate a lot of ice cream. I went to Sarris Candy and ate a hell of a lot of ice cream. When I was about three-quarters of the way through my sundae, I got to thinking -- Im already a blimp; why do I eat so much, knowing Ill further blimpify? I started to feel pretty depressed, so I put down my spoon and stared at my strawberry topping, trying to further justify/chastise myself appropriately. I excused myself from the table and headed to the bathroom...looked at myself in the mirror...and thought Not perfect, not half-bad. I smiled.
04/04 Direct Link
Addicted, thats me. Youre my drug. I can relate, now, to the stories of addicts in withdrawl; an hour-and-a-half without you and my neurons are screaming. It takes physical restraint not to pick up the phone and dial your number. Breathe in, breathe out, concentrate, Brittany: you -- dont -- need -- this -- ? Stop lying to yourself, you hopeless junkie, you cant live without it and you know that. And best part about this? Now I know what its like to feel alive, what its like to need something more than air. Im used to being the drug.
04/05 Direct Link
So if MIT is located in Cambridge, the drive is 10 and 1/2 hours long, gasoline costs $1.65 per gallon, I miss you like crazy, thirteen more days is too long to wait to see you again, my car is big and red, directions arent that complicated, Im tired of Wheeling, drinks for the trip cost a buck or so, Harvard is right next door, youre the most brilliant person Ive ever met, then how do I love you? Hmm...I think perhaps you should go ahead and count the ways. You know Ive never been very good at math.
04/06 Direct Link
I hate my job. If this is adulthood, give me a rattle. I cant stand any of it: coworkers, managers, customers, melodrama. Yesterday, I walk into work. Not two minutes after Ive arrived, a woman walks in, says she left her coupon book. Theres one in the hostess station; I give it to her. My coworker bustles up and asks what I did with her book. Stupid Brit believes her, goes running after the woman, tells her what happened. A moment later, when the woman is angry and gone, my coworker tells me the book is actually the womans. Damnit.
04/07 Direct Link
A lot of girls wear t-shirts with witty little sayings on them -- especially closet sluts. They're the ones who wish they were attractive enough to sleep around; they arent. Don't advertise to me that you are "naughty", "99% angel", "full of attitude", or whatever. Squeeze into your size three skirts, flash those legs, make a statement. (Be careful it's one you'd like to make.) I will notice you, ten years from today, a waitress in some little dive; I won't order a cosmopolitan, but you'll throw one in on the house, since I'm everything you wished you could have been.
04/08 Direct Link
I am so worried about you. Ive never seen that sort of look on your face before: like the life had been drained from you, like (forgive the cliche) some fire in you had extinguished. What hurts me the most? Im not certain what more I can do. I have the distinct sense that Im the first girl whos reached out to you in a very long time.

Listen: I want you to know that Im not going to vanish, Im not going to change my mind, Im not going to decide suddenly that you arent good enough. I care.
04/09 Direct Link
My dad calls me constantly, and its making me crazy. I wouldnt mind it so much if the conversations had a semblance of purpose, but they dont. Hell ask me three times in one evening what my schedule is for the next day. Ill repeat myself three times (knowing hes not really listening). After school the next day, Ill wait for my cell phone to ring. It will, of course, and for the fourth time he asks me what Im doing that day. He wonders why I get irritated with him; I just miss the days when he genuinely listened.
04/10 Direct Link
Are all short, fat men afflicted with Short/Fat Complex? I think so. For the uninformed, Short/Fat Complex is that thing where a little man is not only overassertive, but constantly loud and terribly rude. Its particularly rampant among short and fat men who are big dreamers but underachievers.

A substitute teacher yelled at our entire class today despite our angelic behavior. I think that perhaps, long ago, he dreamt of becoming a college professor. That earns him a smidge of sympathy; Id probably have the Complex myself (although I stand 5'10''), if I was handing out dittos to unmotivated seniors.
04/11 Direct Link
Here is a list of some words that I like: juxtaposition, superfluous, subpoena, anaphylactic, jurisdiction, squish, anguish, elaborate, unpretentious, fluid, sour, battle, street, counterculture, analyze, Harvard, eloquent, raw, feverish, passion, solemn, steal, laymen, batten, typecast, derogatory, amazing, fornication, deferred, anticipation, foreshadowing, Paris, gorgeous, ridiculous, heartfelt, amused, flutter, peel, whimsical, transient, truncated, rose, lily, mustang, rumble, thunder, hiatus, cigarette, detached, iambic, dyslexic, light, life, beauty, complicated, conceptualize, tangible, vinyl, feather, leather, whisper, star, blaze, love, reevaluation, matriculate, annual, quiver, silver, avatar, daemon, winged, transaction, collegiate, shoe-in, hypothetical, adrenaline, overzealous, candidate, hatred, flame, rain, face, quite, chiropractor, motivation, ambitious, mulligan, derivation...pointless.
04/12 Direct Link
I'm terrified of moths. Isn't that strange? I'm not really frightened of spiders, or roaches -- only disgusted. But moths make my breath catch -- my stupid heard might as well be a sledgehammer against my ribcage. I don't know why, really; generally phobias are the result of some terrible childhood experience, but I've had no such thing. I can't even be in the same room with a moth without losing my grip. I love to listen to the bug zapper at night, out at my camp: Punish those insects for making me feel ridiculous, fry their primitive, subordinate selves. Humans win.
04/13 Direct Link
Sometimes I want to scream very loudly. There will be no rhyme, purpose, reason: I will scream at the top of my lungs for the sheer release in the act.

The definition of overachiever, perfectionist, I collect accolades and accumulate respect, but often I feel I go ultimately unrecognized; perhaps an earshattering, lusty scream would do it.

You can wonder about aimlessly, little ladybug -- clap your hands, tell me I'm a good girl, and forget me the day after tomorrow. I hope you remember my voice, are certain to hear it when I burst your soundproof, passionproof bubble.
04/14 Direct Link
Instead of doing my physics homework, I am writing. Feeling these words is infinitely more satisfying than doing a math problem. The boy I'm in love with is a mathematics genius, and I often wonder if he sees the same fantasy, the same endless possibility in numbers that I see in words. For some reason, I am totally unable to wrap my mind around such a concept. At some fundamental level, math simply makes no sense to me; perhaps it's evidence that writing is ingrained into my being, my heart, and my blood. Antiderivative of myself? A pen -- an imagination.
04/15 Direct Link
Prompt - The room was hushed.

Trite, but a beginning nonetheless.

I stand alone, the walls white, windows black, dress red. I think theoretically: if the distance between this wall and that one is x, I'll take an infinite number of half/half steps, my fingers splayed, stretched toward an ending that is ultimately unattainable. Yes, the room was hushed -- but I imagine soft music, the notes bouncing from black panes of un-glass into my un-eyes, un-promising an un-future. This space is blank: I am. One finger brushes the un-plaster, and the pages of music appear, written by un-me. Beautiful.
04/16 Direct Link
So I wrote you a letter last night. It was the product of two deficits: sleep, and happiness. Its been a strange day I was thinking about this at practice, and watching you onstage...suddenly I found myself completely unable to stop looking at you. I wasnt listening to your singing, or hearing you say your lines; I was remembering the person behind the face, the person I knew once upon a time. All at once, I felt as thought perhaps Id never known you, never been with you. Perhaps Id dreamt all of this up. Wouldnt be a first.
04/17 Direct Link
She's got this long, beautiful dark hair and big dark eyes. She tans often the ethnic look, she calls it. We used to be so close. Does she remember? After that day we talked, sitting crosslegged in my room, I thought that things were fine. They certainly seemed that way. But now she almost never smiles at me, or speaks to me the way she used to. It hit me, last night, sitting in the hallway. Nearly brought me to tears. I hate the cold realization that a person has changed that she's changed. I won't take blame, this time.
04/18 Direct Link
Eleven days behind. Oh, Brittany, how is it that life is always a deterrent from the things you love? This stuff happens, I suppose. I think this daily ritual (when I follow it, at least) really helps me clear my mind and organize my thoughts. Perhaps that's why things have been so confusing lately; I've forgotten to get myself in order, forgotten that putting my thoughts on paper can lend them a startling clarity. Then again, I do tend to be a bit muddy, even when I'm writing. Often I look back and say to myself...what was I thinking?
04/19 Direct Link
I'm going to stamp my feet. I'm going to scream. I'm going to speculate: A plus B? A = talented, beautiful, intelligent (wise, even), possessed of a presence your years do not even whisper. B = mediocre, unassuming, unambitious, unremarkable, entirely overdramatic, and even forgettable. A plus B? A PLUS B? I cannot fathom it, process it, or accept it. Years from now, reconsideration will occur, and I assure agreement, actuality. Advent aside, absolute...bafflement. I'm still inspired, and I still remember the stupid, omnipotent half-coincidences. I suppose I stopped being surprising long ago, but I wonder. A plus B? I wonder.
04/20 Direct Link
In three weeks or so, I'm leaving for the beach with some of the most beautiful people I know. I've promised myself for at least the past three days that I'm going to stop eating as much as I do and start working out in the mornings...but every day something different shatters my resolve. I need sleep that candy looks so good I'm bored I'm going to be hungry later I don't have time. Hopefully, my life will wind down soon and I won't be so pressed for...everything. Hopefully I won't be fat for the beach. Yeah...right.
04/21 Direct Link
Sorry, Brittany.
The conversation replays in my head
memories again, stop
I'm sorry too.
Sorry I laughed
sorry I cried
sorry I wasn't what you had believed in
sorry I breathed
sorry I lied
sorry I loved (and I did)
sorry I touched your face
sorry I touched your heart
sorry you changed me, too.

Not even this much.
I would not take it back.
Not a day
not an hour
not a minute
not a second
not a moment
not even this much.

Why didn't I keep you? I should have.
I'm not sorry now.
Not even this much.
04/22 Direct Link
My name is Brittany. When my alarm goes off, I get up. I take a shower (sometimes). I put on nice lingerie (always) and cover it up with clothing. I go to school. I learn nothing of any real importance. My name is Brittany. I leave my house so that I can meet people. I love people. I love knowing people. My name is Brittany. I hate people. I hate petty, gossipy, self-absorbed, useless, mindless people. I leave my house so that I can hate people. Maybe tomorrow, when my alarm goes off, I won't get up.
04/23 Direct Link
I haven't cussed for a while. That's going to change for the duration of this entry, okay?

To all of my family, friends, peers, teachers, acquaintances, and other folk who shove their noses into my business:


04/24 Direct Link
"It is a comfortable feeling to know that you stand on your own ground. Land is about the only thing that can't fly away."

I would like to state for a record I am certain no one keeps that land can fly. Often I feel that the floor has been yanked from under me; I am tripping, falling until thud

I am caught for a moment by someone else falling along with me. It is at that instant I know I've never needed "my own ground" - only someone who has also forgotten what grass (reality?) feels like between the toes.
04/25 Direct Link
Ever had a song...really hit home? Happened to me today. Reminded me of that person the one I'm trying hard to forget.

See the pyramids along the Nile/ Watch the sunrise from the tropic isle/ Just remember all the while/ You belong to me/

See the marketplace in Algiers/ Send me photographs and souvenirs/ Just remember when a dream appears/ You belong to me/

And I'll be so alone without you/ Maybe you'll be lonesome, too/

Fly the ocean in a silver plane/ See the jungle wet with rain/ Just remember 'til you're home again/ You belong to me
04/26 Direct Link
I've been cheated on again, isn't that great? Love it, used to think I loved you, used to think you'd take his place. Now I know you won't. Now I'm certain no one can. You say you didn't do it, you say you still love me beyond words, but I say I can't afford to believe you, can't afford to have my self-esteem shattered and my heart stomped upon one more time. Once a cheater, always a cheater, they say, and you did kiss me before you and she were really over. I should have known....I should have known.
04/27 Direct Link
You're back again. I promised myself I wouldn't let you in another time. I swore that this time would be different; this time, we would speak and you'd see that there was nothing between us. But I was wrong...for the fourth time. I dissolve when I'm around you, I think, turn into a big pile of pudding, or something like that. I couldn't believe that I had the strength to blow you off a few weeks ago. I was so proud that I was finally letting you go. But you're back again, and so are the old feelings. ::sigh::
04/28 Direct Link
The folk I associate with are a rather interesting lot. I don't think I've ever met such fickle people. Can anyone find forgiveness in their hearts for anything? Do any of them know the meaning of true friendship? Often I want to take all their meaningless drivel, roll it up into a ball, and cram it down their throats. Screw them and their egotism. There are a few, like Shannon, Sam, and Ashley, whom I still love a lot. They seem so real and unapologetic. I wish I hung out with them more. I hope they care about me, too.
04/29 Direct Link
I have violent mood swings. One second I'll be on top of the world; the next I'm down in the gutter, searching for some nonexistant sense of purpose. The worst part? I don't know why. I don't understand how one day, dreams can feel so beautiful and my future can seem so limitless - and the next day I can think of nothing but terrible sadness. I should be happy, I tell myself; there are many people who would kill to live my life. Something taps me on the shoulder, then: If everything's going wrong, what's to be happy about? Well?
04/30 Direct Link
Affirmative action is ridiculous. I am one hundred percent pro-abortion. I believe that prayer in school isn't a good idea. Parents who smoke around their children are guilty of child abuse. Race should never be a factor in college admissions. The welfare system must be abolished. Gun control is necessary to national security. Gays should be allowed to marry, and should not be excluded from military service. I am for the death penalty. Children who commit adult crimes should be tried as adults. Now that I've explained my views on controversial topics, you probably hate me. Controversy breeds blind hatred.