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One year away and what has changed? I couldn't tell you because I don't know. Changes happen so subtly that you don't even recognize them. You have to look back at who you were then and how you're different now and I just don't want to do it. Still, I can see what's changed around here. For those of you new to the site, they didn't always have that word counter down there. I used to have to open Word and count like that. I think that might've been why I stopped using it. Too much work. Anyway, uh, hello.
I don't know why, but suddenly I feel the need to capture the sky everyday. It's something about how every day brings a new unique formation of clouds that no one has ever seen and never will see again. Except for cloudless days. There's hardly anything unique about those. I just look up there and see something that I want to see again, but can't unless I get it on film. Anyway, it doesn't matter because there are no batteries in this house for the camera. So I'll keep losing the sky until I fix that. Anyone else feel similar?
Wow, my first month in a year and already my bad habits have made me late by four days. I guess that's just my nature to hold things off. Oh well, it's not really important and it's hardly worth worrying about. Anyway, I was wondering what voice you hear as you read my words. Obviously you aren't hearing my voice because you've never heard it before. Whose voice are you hearing? Is it your own? A celebrity or a relative perhaps. I prefer you hear someone else anyway. I don't particularly like my voice. I was just wondering. One two.
Okay, okay. Yeah, I deflate when I breath out just like anybody would who was under this much pressure. Under so much pressure. And you may think you're breaking out by retreating to yourself, but that is also called depression and it'll knock you on your ass if you don't look out. Who's been hanging all those lies around your fragile little mind? And if you hate yourself, that's fine, but I'll bet there's something that you still like. They can't erase your sense of self by teaching you that you're for sale. Buy yourself back from the Devil and...
...you'll find your head is level because they can't touch you when you dream. Your laser beams grow into wings and they will always take you higher. Gonna always take you higher. Who's been hanging all those lies around your fragile little mind? And if you hate yourself, that's fine, but I'll bet there's something that you still like. If you feel dead inside, don't go trying suicide. Just find the part that's still alive and watch it grow towards the light.
My favorite song right now. "Save a life with a diet chocolate sprite" By - Everything, Now!
I know, I know. Using songs is cheating, but I was drawing a blank and thought you might like to see some interesting lyrics from a truly awesome song. The album is Spatially Severed, but that song is also on Parallels and Prequels which is available for free on their website and I suggest you download it right now. It's amazing. They're this local band here in Indiana and they say that what they play is like space gospel. I'm not kidding, it is really good. Anyway, I swear the next one will be more substantial. I'm just empty today.
Doing a little test. I'm trying to see if you can write ahead by just putting the date in before it occurs. So, naturally this is not going to be a real post because if it doesn't go through it won't matter what I put here. If it does work then I'll just go ahead and do the whole damn month before it's actually over. Right now it is about two hours before the seventh. Hypothesis: it won't work. However, it doesn't hurt to try. I'm doing something about the boundaries of this contraption. Pushing them and cheating the system.
And it worked. Of course, how will you know it worked? Well, that's something I haven't really thought out yet. I guess I could do the whole thing and try to see if it shows up before it's supposed to, but that is another unknown. Plus, I don't think I have a whole month's worth of posts in me right now. Still, I'm so interested to see what happens when I finish that I might just bullshit my way through. That wouldn't be fair to you though, would it? Hmmm... maybe I'll work on characters or scene setting. Or freewriting.
To the guys that made and run the website: I do thank you for making this site for us. It is a wonderful little place to come and practice these little writing exercises. My experiment isn't meant to undermine you in any way, but I just had to try it out. It just sort of popped into my head, spur of the moment and all, and now I'm running with it. Maybe it'll show you whatever flaw you've got in the system or maybe you'll just ignore it or possibly not even notice it at all, but, really, whatever. Ambivalent?
I don't know why, but I'm angry. Well, I know why, but it's not for a good reason. I just saw a movie that used a ton of ideas that I've been storing up and it pissed me off to see them all out in the open like that. Of course they say, "There's nothing original anymore. What counts is not the originality, but the authenticity." No matter what you write, it won't be anything like what anyone else does because you are unique and no one has you're style. Still, the whole thing got me down. Not changing anything.
Hallucinations and parallel universes. Seeing things that aren't really there. Or are they? I caught this idea in my head that schizophrenics aren't just imagining things and interacting with phantoms, but they have a special view into alternate dimensions and parallel universes that very few of the rest of us have. I don't know if that makes sense, but it works in my head. So when you see someone talking seemingly to themselves, think to yourself that there might be someone there that you simply can't see. By all means don't be envious though, sometimes not seeing what's there helps.
I've been thinking about why people never find their true purpose in life. It's true that we may never know what our true purpose is because, really, how can you know? Still, there are people out there that just know that what they're doing is exactly what they should be. However, there are millions if not billions of people without direction. Without a cause. They just go through life like cows. Grazing here and mooing there as though life was just a movie that you have to sit through until you die. Why? Why can't they find what they're for?
Maybe they're just not looking. I think death has a lot to do with it. People know that they're going to die, but that damn survival instinct drives them to not believe it. People all thinking that they're invincible and that death can't touch them. Sure there's a sobering effect when people around them die. They gaze into the eye of mortality, but that shortly wears off and then they're back into the routine. Running from fate. Constantly occupying themselves with anything that'll take their minds off of the truth. And all the while they're running from themselves. Their lives...
Their purpose. That's why we're constantly trying to stave off death. Claiming that it's a disease that we can cure. And some people make that their purpose, but really, death is a gift if you look at it from a different perspective. I'm not saying that I'm looking forward to my own death. I can't even imagine being dead. But, I have accepted it. I know it will happen regardless of how I feel about it and that allows me to seek my purpose without being preoccupied with escaping my fate. I don't have all then answers. So, I dunno.
What I do know is that a good writer should not be an essayist unless he wants to be a good essayist. I want to be a good writer. What does it take? A strong grasp of the language and clear understanding of grammar and syntax. Good writing habits that force you to work daily always trying to better yourself and above all the wish to tell stories. The need to weave tales for others to read and enjoy. Plus, a whole shitload of ego. And I'm sure there are a million other things I've left out. Style, wit etc.
Halfway home and it is still the sixth. Now, I could go on all day about the theories involved in writing well, but that's all they are. What gives me the most trouble is the practice. I have the worst habits. I wait until I'm struck with something worthy in my mind to write down and that doesn't come nearly often enough. There's something so exhausting, draining, about the experience that I don't really enjoy it. of course, when it flows it's beautiful and magnificent, but when I have to sit there and pound it out I just can't concentrate.
She sat there staring at the image of God in the far corner of her room. He was exactly as she'd pictured him for so many years before she lost her faith. He sat with perfect posture in his brilliant golden throne surveying a massive battlefield where all of his warrior angels fought bravely against the forces of evil. His eyes flicked here and there guiding his soldiers across the floor from one fight to the next. And though all of these horrific images raged on before her, she could not take her eyes off of him. The perfect being.
Across the field in his own wicked throne, the exact opposite of God's, crouched Lucifer. He sat on his heels deeply engaged in the fighting, laughing whenever and angel fell by the hand of one of his gruesome demons.
The battle seemed to be turning in favor of evil. Hatred and despair fell over the entire floor beneath her. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity of bloodshed, Lucifer rose from his unholy throne and flapped his awful wings until he was high above all of the carnage. He made his way across the room to meet God.
He landed before God and stood tall and proud in the face of the benevolent creator. God stayed erect in his gilded seat, still watching his angels being slaughtered left and right, almost unaware of the creature standing in front of him.
"As you can clearly see, Lord, you're armies are no match for my own. Now, I shall lay the deciding blow."
From his hip he unsheathed a terrible blade and struck down on God's neck. As he did this, she looked away to the glass wall separating her from the world outside. Ignoring the beheaded God and everything...
else, she asked the air, "Why? Why are you still doing this to me?" She didn't expect any answer. The one who tormented her hadn't spoken to her in years. He decided that talking to her was beneath him and that the ghastly hallucinations and her reactions were enough. Though, recently, she had become less terrified and more annoyed than anything else. This irritated him and he decided to finally speak to her again, "Why did you summon me if not for me to entertain you?" His voice, from out of nowhere, shocked her. Her eyes widened and her breath...
became short and shallow. After she calmed a bit, she answered, "I didn't mean for it to be like this. I was just fucking around. You know that."
"Yes, of course, but you should've know better."
She pulled her knees up to her chest and clasped her hands together with her back against the wall. She dug her chin into her knees and closed her eyes. "Please, just stop it." "Poor little girl, it's my nature to frighten you. I can't just stop. Would you ask me to go against my nature?" The haunting voice echoed.
FIN. It all falls apart. I've been working on a idea like that, but it won't just come out like I want it to. I don't know. I have to work on it loads more. There's probably tons more wrong there than I can even see, but for now it will do. I know it's not very good, but I like the idea. Still, it seems a bit tacky, right. God and the devil fighting in miniature on the floor of some poor young woman's cell. Even if it is working, it's nowhere near as epic as it should be.
Things are big. I mean the universe is bigger than we can even imagine and then you put in the M theory that there are possibly an infinite amount of universes and possibly an infinite number of whatever the fuck houses all of those universes and it goes on and on until we're not even a tiny blue dot, but some infinitesimally miniature little speck that the great spaces between space can't even imagine. It makes you feel really insignificant. But how can you feel insignificant when you are the center of everything? I don't know. Can anyone answer that?
Eight to go and it just turned over to midnight of Friday the seventh. I'm sitting here thinking that if it all does work out and they do allow me to publish all of this before it's supposed to that they'll just delete all of my shit. I'm kind of hoping they do. I don't know why, but I always end up regretting what I've put down here. I don't even go back and look at all my previous entries from last year anymore. I hate them. Though, as one friend told me, I am my own worst critic. Shit.
Well, it's still the same day, basically, but a friend came over and pulled me over to a bar with the promise of free booze and how could I resist? I couldn't and now I'm a little bit tipsy. Not to the point where I can't make rational thoughts, but close enough to the edge where I don't trust myself not to jump off. You see, the edge is a very tempting place. You know that jumping isn't a good idea, but you're so close, all it takes is a little nudge and you're gone. What keeps you standing there?
I'm no coward and I'm no fool. The edge has it's enchanting possibilities, but it also has a drawback. A huge drawback. The edge offers much but in return you must give everything. You can not return after you leap. Taking your chances and going for what it offers leaves you with nothing if it doesn't pay off. So, really, it's not worth the risk. If you look at it from that perspective. Just think, maybe this side has given you all it has to offer and maybe the next step brings so much more, but maybe it doesn't. Maybe.
It's the maybe that kills you. Maybe you can return. Maybe you already have all that it can offer you. Maybe you've already jumped, but you can't even tell. Maybe this maybe that. Maybe you're skinny and maybe you're fat. Maybe all of this for nothing and maybe all of this for everything you ever wanted. Maybe something in between. Maybe means a lot. It's every possibility that is unknowable. It's a love/hate thing that you can't figure out until it's already too late. Maybe I shut up already because I'm too drunk to continue. Maybe I don't care.
I'm really tired, so I'm going to fall short by a day or so, but I'm still so anxious to see what happens. But I don't want to see it through eyes that are sort of unfamiliar. I think you know what I mean. I think you're picking up what I'm putting down. Anyway, for now, I think this is going to have to do. All I'm really doing is pushing through without stopping for a breath, even though I stopped for a good three hours. This experiment goes on regardless of my lost sobriety. It doesn't matter at all.
Every morning I wake up to some weird tacky horror movie or t.v. show. It's always something that's supposed to scare you but it fails so terribly that it ends up more hilarious than frightening. That's how I woke up today, but it was like a Romeo and Juliet horror thing. In the end they transferred their souls into wolf bodies so they could be together. It just goes to show you that teenagers are retarded and don't understand anything about life. "We can't be together because my father's crazy." "I know, let's become wolves and live free forever."
There's no reason that you should care about what I have to say here. I'm just twisting in the wind spouting nonsense to anyone that passes by. I must apologize for wasting your time, but if you have enjoyed what you read here, maybe you should tell me. We can't communicate on this site and I would love to hear what you have to say. Maybe you'll find a way or maybe it's not important. It's okay, not that big of a deal. I just enjoy talking to new people. Anyway, time for the big finish. Let's see what happens.
Okay, now, the moment of truth. I know it isn't a race, but I beat every single one of you fools to the finish line. Take that! Seriously, you might need it where you're going. So, if it all works out, I'll see you on the other side. If it doesn't then my experiment failed and I'll go about my business in the normal way. I'm wondering if I'll return next month. If I do I promise to do everything day by day instead of all at once. I do want to use this site for its intended purpose. Later.
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