REPORT A PROBLEM
If itís too cheap I wonít value it. give it worth and Iíll give you your own space on the wall. A picture frame and everything. And youíll last forever in your pre-worn state. Loved and loved and looked upon, your new invisible shine wearing off as I love you some more. Consumerism or human nature? Either way, Iím infatuated. This is a clichť metaphor. You donít have to tell me twice. I really wasnít thinking of you at the start, I was thinking of Polaroid vs. digital pictures. But no matter what I do Ė youíre always there. Arenít you?
He collects them, those souvenir pennies with the imprint on them. ďCan I have fifty one cents?Ē He even has a book to keep them in. Jaxonís Ice Cream to Universal Studios. In California once, while he was busy with one of the machines, Maryanne told me the pennies that come out arenít the pennies you put in. They arenít even real pennies. Apparently that would be defacing American currency and thatís illegal. Theyíre just smushed pieces of copper. I donít have the heart to tell him. He always asks for the shiniest penny. I hope he never finds out.
Iím getting infatuated all over again. And thatís dangerous. He breaks up with me and now heís acting super interested. Sure, the pressure for sex is off; we can just hang out and be chill. But now heís calling when he doesnít have to Ė just to see if Iím back in town or not. Inviting me inside when he knows I have to go. I just Ė I donít know. I want to cry and laugh. Irony does that I guess. I donít want this to be my fault again.
Iíll let him set the pace. Instead of me pushing it.
I canít take these senseless killings. Just another senseless killing. In West Palm Beach. How fucked up does our society have to be when we say things like ďjust another senseless killing.Ē Fucked up not just because we say this as if itís nothing, but because Ė people ARE killing senselessly. Why? Our generation was not raised well. Or Ė the laws are too messed up. These are bad times. And I donít know what to do.
Not everything happens for a reason. Which makes me think nothing does. And I donít like thinking like that. I donít know what to think.
Reflecting white reflections The negative of you. Only in memory your face lingers You asked me if I fed the cat. Wrapped in stiff sheets I turned over, camera pointed at you unsuspecting, unprepared, unlovely. You didnít smile.
I wonder if weíll ever be okay; if you like me at all.
I am so tired of being human; complicated. Reasons on top of reasons covering up all the impulses and emotions. The love and instability and emotions. After years of analyzing studying theorizing - have we found anything out?
Boys are bad at the phone. And girls just want love.
It didnít work out. But Iím not giving up. Iím not calling him either. Heíll come to me. Eventually. I hate that we have to move so slow. But we do. I know. I like him a lot. Iím going to help this along. And not sabotage. Iím not going to call him. Or visit him at work. Iíve tried the ďno games.Ē It doesnít work. As human beings in relationships, we need the suspense, the tension.
Carrie Bradshaw just asked if we just date the same person over and over again. This episode is about breaking your relationship patternÖ
Itís cold again. We slept together when it started to get cold this year.
Iím afraid to say what Iíve already said And mean it.
Iím just afraid. I might cry.
Why are people so hard? We canít just do and say whatever. We have to be careful. Not show too much. Not BE too much.
I was too much.
I know now.
Am I getting a second chance? I want one.
My lips get so red when we kiss. My eyes get so blue.
I more than like him.
I wonder if he knows.
Just how much.
The world is in synch right now. We are all in the same groove. In my world we all are. I hope so in yours too. Those times when everything points to one very real very obvious thing. For me, itís this boy.
I know it. I donít know whatís going on, but I know itís going to turn out fine with minimal to no damage.
I love the world on those days.
Especially when itís to tell me something I want to hear.
Tell me more.
Iíll strain to hear you whisper.
Why are we so complicated? We need these Ö distractions. I donít understand. If you love someone, you should act like it.
We always believe our worst reviews.
ďyou were great.Ē
I should tell him heís great more often. I always make it about me. What about him? What does he want to do? Well besides only what I want to do and ďme.Ē How does he feel? I donít have a clue but I can help it along with some positive feedback. He needs to feel loved too. Even thoughÖ Iím very loving. And not just in bed.
I am so scared. Iím crying spontaneously. I think of him Ė and cry.
Iím so confused.
I wish someone could hold my hand.
But this is my life Ė I have to live it.
With my decisions.
I am going to deal with this. This love thing. I am going to love him. I am going to keep living, keep doing what we do but really I just want it to progress into something more comfortable. Because right now Ė we are on the edge of the cliff and I donít know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Maybe itís because I havenít been listening to music as much.
Or I havenít gone dancing in forever.
Or been with my friends and done all of the above
In a very long time.
Why do I get so anxious
I hope Ė he can learn to deal with me. How to deal with me.
Iím falling in love with him
And I really canít handle breaking up again.
Oh god. Relationships are ridiculous.
Men want space
And women want to be pampered.
Donít the two ever meet?
Sometimes I fall in love. Sometimes I fall in love with actual people who can love me back. Sometimes these people are named Jessie insert hard to pronounce French last name here. Sometimes these people named Jessie love you back, but canít really show it. Sometimes I go insane, but canít really cover it up. Sometimes I realize I stress out over nothing. Sometimes I realize I stress out over something very real.
He canít commit to me.
He loves me.
Isnít that a commitment in itself?
Is he allowed to say he loves me without doing anything about it?
His jeans and underwear have been here since Monday. I know admitting this will instantly make me a dirty, disgusting creep, but I donít care. I smell them. They smell like him.
I wonít be clichť and tell you the smell is indescribable, but I will say, I canít describe it.
Sweet skin and smoke and sex.
Itís sort of something youíll never encounter.
Like Camel cigarettes.
Youíll never understand.
Like Old Spice deodorant.
I guess you had to be there.
My name is Chelsea and yes, I smelled your jeans and underwear while you were gone.
So, shoot me.
This kid no one liked at work quit today. He was sick. Pobrecita.
Have you ever seen a painting breathe? A map swim and move? Faces drown and sink?
I guess youíve never been on shrooms.
I want to see the world through shroom-goggles. I didnít even trip that hard. Didnít hallucinate. Just Ė saw some nice things.
I know. I missed my era.
I want to see everything in Technicolor
See you with not just blue-green eyes
But beautiful universes of oceans with a heart inside
Where you pump blood and quicken pace
When I kiss your neck.
Itís so hard to appreciate everything we have. If we did weíd all be so exhausted. Thank for my health, my education, my family, my friends, my pretty eyes, my native country, laadlkfjaldkfjÖ. I wish I couldÖ feel more appreciative.
This boy on tv had an enormous tumor on his face.
Heís only five.
Realizing nothing is fair and everything is random is a tough blow to faith and love.
I guess Iíll survive.
Thank you world, although I know it was random. Thank you for being there anyway.
Also, thanks for speaking to me in whispers.
I love you.
A single girl.
I feel like Iím Miranda. ďDonít act so surprised Iím Ďjust meí.Ē
Iím growing up too fast.
I feel my hormones running around Ė and not just the boy crazy ones.
I want babies
And a husband
And a house and a family and a van and Gymboree.
Being a girl is so damned hard.
And itís not because of Eve.
Or because weíre built to handle it.
I donít know why.
Iím just tired.
Tired of feeling like Iím crazy
Or ďtoo muchĒ
Hormones, I fucking hate you.
I want to feel sane for once.
Heís making me make a grownup decision. Heís the child so I have to be the adult. Itís not fair. Iím not mature enough, Iím not strong enough to say no. No, because itís not good for me; no to attention and love and sex just because I canít handle the consequences.
So beautiful. Why canít he be beautiful when weíre not together?
If only he hadnít said he loved me.
So I couldnít start thinking about really loving him, too.
Iím too tired to grow up.
I just want to have fun.
Never-never-land is leaving sight.
Ride a wave and then flip to your back and float and sing.
Dog paddling and swimming
Your face is down
And your head is concentrating on moving
Donít look up.
Whatís the rush?
Time will keep going
And things will keep happeningÖ
And leave yourself alone.
Iím gonna leave myself alone for awhile.
Not worry about moving forward or backward.
Enjoy the company as it fades in and out
Passes by on boats
Iíll be okay.
And I guess
It was worth the lesson.
Hopefully it sticks around for awhile.
My favorite fictional couple is Big and Carrie.
He ruins her life
And then saves her.
Heís an ass
But he loves her.
Heís consistently a douchebag.
This is my relationship model.
I am Carrie.
I let myself get treated
The way she does.
A roomful of people. They all were in agreement against me.
"Big's a douchebag. He doesn't deserve Carrie."
Was Katy right?
Am I putting too much weight in a television show?
I think the perfect relationship is full of problems and fights and affairs and breakups and detachments.
Is there something wrong with me?
Binge and purge.
Me and you.
This week we purge.
We just had a 24 hour plus binge.
How are you so less hungry than I am?
Iím always starving.
Itís never enough.
I want you all the time.
But you Ė
A phone call,
A drive home
Love me harder.
Fuck me harder.
Kiss me harder.
I want to feel you
Your weight and pressure
And not just know it.
Weíll go exploring someday and find
More than ugly Florida brush.
I hope you will explore my heart.
If you do,
Without much trouble youíll find
Youíve already conquered it.
This territory is yours.
Iíve been trying to give it you.
Iím not sure if youíve noticed.
Iím not sureÖ you want it.
To be truthful,
Itís only a lease.
It will expire.
Are you waiting for the expiration date?
If you discover me before then,
There is time for a renewal, you know.
I donít go to the library to study
Or to the dining hall to eat
Or the book store to read.
We donít need to talk
Or even see eachother completely
Itís enough to know youíre there
Living breathing existing
In the same space
Sharing my air
To dispel loneliness
Sometimeís it enough
To just share air
Itís the seasalt on the wounds.
Luckily, thatís not today.
Is it ironic I come here
[the dining hall Ė
To cure loneliness
And isolate myself with intimidating headphones
And a pen?
The tree of life is a mirage. A trick.
Maybe we made it up. A collective fantasy that we all felt.
An innate fantasy.
But itís not real.
Not in the way we see it.
The tree of life was never meant for us.
If there is a tree of life
It was meant for the earth.
We are meant to die.
We do die.
But we last forever.
We live forever.
My soul is here and now. My body is too.
One will die, the other will live.
There is no forever young.
Because we already have it.
Iím so sick of love. I donít want to fall in love. I really donít. I want to be
with just breathing alone in my room for a while. I donít want to ache for anyone.
want to have sex with David.
But it wouldnít be empty sex. We have the high school crush thing. I donít want to be in love with David. I want to have sex with David. Cuddle.
You can only think about something for so long before it just becomes a habit, a tick, that you just canít help but think about.
Itís official. I like Subway kid. And Iím pretty sure he thinks Iím cute.
Self, there are THREE other boys youíve put effort into. Subway kid, dining hall boy, and Tommy. And Iíd be willing to bet good money that any one of them would be nicer to you than Jessie.
Donít think about it.
Iím not sure why but there are two girls on LJ that feel like I understand them and really value what I say. Even though I donít really say anything too amazing or helpful theyÖ like me.
Youth. We just want to be listened to.
Today is my ex-good friendís birthday. Two years ago I was wasted. Black out wasted. Going from party to party to Fort Lauderdale ending up in some hotel room with just her and Katy because all our friends, on this
night decided to express their dislike for Laura. Not so surprisingly, she didnít notice too much. She was just pissed no one but me and Katy stayed in the hotel room. We only stayed because we felt bad.
Laura made our lives a little too complicated, a little too miserable. We were scared of her, really.
I miss her.
Stop hurting me.
Thank you for helping me grow.
Weíll be together forever. I love you.
If you kiss me, Iíll kiss you back. I donít know where I am right now. But the one thing that could definitely define me and Jessie, is another relationship.
You donít know it, but youíre my only friend in Gainesville. And weíve never even hung out.
Dear Boy at Subway,
I think youíre cute.
Dear Boy in Dining Hall
You intrigue me and I would really like to talk to you.
I rarely think about him. I guess, when I see ďMargaritavilleĒ or a pirate skull and bones.
IÖ donít miss him that much. I miss him. But Ė well, I guess it just doesnít hurt anymore. I still love him and wish him all the happiness and love he deserves. But now, it feels okay if itís not me that gives it to him. We werenít meant for each other. Maybe Ė in another life we were, but not this one.
I still love him. Thinking about him now, I know that.
I hope heís happy.
Heís twenty five in four days.
Why do I find growling sexy? Why do we kiss? Itís a precursor to sex. Is it a trial?
The other night I was talking to Daniel about kissing. He says the current theory in behavioral science as to why humans kiss is that as we swap saliva weíre also subconsciously analyzing the otherís DNA and the more they contrast the more likely we are to mate because it will ensure that our offspring will have a higher selection of traits and qualities.
Itís nice to analyze every once in a while.
But too much Ė
Would definitely make me crazy.
Do you think there is a set amount of happiness in the world? Covering the earth like another transparent ozone layer. But in certain areas it gets sucked in. A concentration in Los Angeles. An apparent hole over Africa. Maybe thatís why as population increases weíre getting even more and more unhappy.
Do you think things like that are possible? That there could be a fixed amount ofÖ love. Can you only love so much? Can the world only have so much love in it? Can emotions be controlled by nature like oxygen or rain?
I couldnít sleep last night.
I donít miss my mom and I feel horrible.
Recently, Iíve been wishing she were different. Not so Ė that way she is. Because Iíve been
to talk to her about Jessie. But not her. This imaginary mom-type that would give me advice and not judge me or be overbearing and tell me what to do and what
Maybe this is my fault. Our lack of a mother-daughter relationship.
It just so highly depends on both of our moods.
I still canít bring myself to tell her anything.
Or even be around her.
Iím a horrible daughter.
The Tip Jar