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08/01 Direct Link
The last week of my wonderful summer is upon me. A glorious two months surrounded by great novels, poetry, comics, music, and movies. Staying up into the wee hours drinking coffee and brooding pretentiously with my journal, I’m not very excited to return to the world of droning faculty meetings, stupid lazy parents, open houses, gross children, faked piety, and standardized testing. I like teaching but if I never did it again I think I’d be ok with that. I’m like that with a lot of things, too many actually. Why can’t hipster pop culture philosopher poet be a job?
08/02 Direct Link
I am the world’s most boring secret double agent ever. I have clandestinely infiltrated a small Christian school in a shitty suburb of a suburb and am posing as a teacher with a very strong personal relationship with Jesus Christ. Nobody has any idea I’m working for the other side. Not the devil, my affiliation with him is musical at best, but reality. I’m covertly gathering intel to report back to my peers for mockery and ridicule. I think we’ve discovered a conspiracy to disguise one billion mentally ill delusional schizophrenics as devout spiritual citizens given to much societal slack.
08/03 Direct Link
I wrote a sad little poem today about a tree that had fallen over in the yard outside my apartment. I hadn’t written anything in a few days and I’ve had a lot of stuff on my mind. Stewing in a very nihilistic, why do I bother doing anything kind of mood, I was struck to write about that tree I had seen earlier. I felt better having written it. forcing myself into a writing routine, I think I’m at the point, like exercising, when I just don’t feel right when I don’t do it. Not sure if that’s good.
08/04 Direct Link
Fictional best case scenario journal entry for the first day of school: What a fantastic day! When we arrived at morning assembly, our new principal, a scientist philosopher, announced that our school was now completely secular! We took down all those stupid crosses and sold the church to fund our new educational research library and state of the art media lab! All parents are forced to take a mandatory IQ test and tuition is adjusted based on their scores! No dumb families allowed! We’ve done away with our sports program completely and instituted a vigorous creative arts curriculum! Education! Yay!
08/05 Direct Link
Today I want to be Malcolm Gladwell. I want to command a stage and captivate an audience talking about topics I did not know actually existed. I want to wear unremarkable clothes and have awesome crazy hair. I want to be an authority on something bizarre yet universally accessible. I want to write unlikely bestselling books about unlikely bestselling topics like snap judgments. I want people to know what they are expecting me to speak on, and then proceed to talk about spaghetti sauce. I want people to see me and know that I am a slightly askew mad genius.
08/06 Direct Link
The other day I borrowed a stack of quality books from the library. Upon finishing one (Book of Longing), I found myself wanting to know who else had read this book. I think there should be a section at the back of all library books so you can write a little paragraph about yourself and how you came about reading this book. I want to know who else is reading Dorothy Parker or Leonard Cohen in my area. What do they do? Where are they from? Why this book? Why now? I would find some comfort in that, some encouragement.
08/07 Direct Link
Today I want to be J.J. Abrams. I want to be a master storyteller. I want to be a diabolical television genius. I want people to live, eat and breathe my shows (and talk about them a lot on the internet). I want people to never know what the fuck is going on. I want to lure viewers into becoming comfortable with one of my shows, comfortable with the format, comfortable with the characters. Then I want to have the giant nuts to turn that show on its head and completely change everything. I want to never, ever be complacent.
08/08 Direct Link
I love the Olympics! It represents what the world could be like if everyone got over their stupid religious and political bullshit ideologies. We could all just hang out together, watch some crazy artistic performances and compete against each other in the spirit of sportsmanship and camaraderie. All our flags would wave side by side, we’d walk together in unity, and we’d properly start the new millennium. But no. Jesus is magic. The dollar is the most important thing anyone can attain. The lines drawn on globes keep us divided. Let’s all lower the bar and pretend it’s 127 A.D.
08/09 Direct Link
Another thing I love about the Olympics is that I get to be an expert on gymnastics for two week! From the comfort of my couch I can eat some fried dumplings and point out the completely minor mistakes of some of the world’s top athletes. No way, he didn’t hold that for a full two seconds, that’s gonna cost him. Oh that little hop on the landing, that’s gonna be trouble. He might not make the finals at the All Around. That’s gotta be disappointing since he finished so well at Athens. Honey, can you bring me some Doritos?
08/10 Direct Link
Well it’s my last night of summer. Where did the time go? I just got out of school a few days ago. Party at Mary’s house, driving coworkers back home. My alarm is set for seven hours from now. This was the most creative period of my entire life. I wrote exponentially more than I ever did before. I deepened my appreciation for all things artistic. I spent quality time with friends. I found out some good stuff about myself. I realized all of this kicked off when I bought Wreck This Journal after finding it on a random blog!
08/11 Direct Link
A few days into the school year. No kids yet. I don’t know what it is, but I feel off. I don’t know if it’s the new principal, the anticipated hassle of stupid parents, or the departure of two close colleagues for other schools. I have a sinking suspicion that two years into my career, I’m sick of pretending to be a faith-filled religious retard. Public schools are renowned for being zoos, but I wouldn’t have to pretend. Private schools are stricter, but it’s absolutely embarrassing to work there. I pretend things I’m completely, almost violently, against. It fucking sucks.
08/12 Direct Link
This week I’ve sat in a room with an empty chair reserved for Jesus to sit. I’ve said a prayer out loud after a meeting when there was only one other person in the room. I’ve sat at a booth in a fast food Caribbean chicken restaurant as my only dining partner said grace out loud for the both of us. I’ve shared my thoughts on prayer and my personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I feel like I’m the star of Catch Me If You Can. My whole life is a fabrication. I’m staying one step ahead of the man.
08/13 Direct Link
“I swear to God, that’s why I became an atheist.” “Can you even get Herpes from a communion wine chalice?” “Apparently you can, because I sure as hell did.” That is fucked up. You used to go to church like every other weekend.” “I know. I even didn’t eat meat on those days when you weren’t supposed to eat meat. And at Christmas, remember how I told everyone not to get me anything?” “Wow. I do remember. You were totally devout.” “Thank you.” “Do you think they’re holy or something? Like do any of your cold sores look like saints?”
08/14 Direct Link
Last night I ordered “The Monster Trilogy” of cereals online. FrankenBerry, BooBerry, and Count Chocula. All of which needed to be added to my Microsoft Word dictionary. I remember having some of these cereals at my grandarents’ house in Pennsylvania when I was a kid. We spent summers there and thinking back on that time a lot of good memories came flooding back. Weird stuff like carpet textures, basement smells, porch sounds, neighbors. You take everything for granted when you’re a kid. They sold the house and I can never go back. I really hope my cereals still taste good.
08/15 Direct Link
Snow globes, DVDs, Pez dispensers, art, vinyl records. I wish I was a collector. I love people that collect things. I respect people that have a passion that makes them happy. It must be very satisfying to piece together a collection, to save money, to make a big purchase, to have it arrive in the mail, to add it to your shelf or display case, to show it off to your friends, to be part of a subculture. Oh the dedication! But what would I collect? I don’t love anything that much. What could I choose to submerse myself in?
08/16 Direct Link
School is back in session and already my writing is on the decline. Which sucks! Three summer months of solid dedication and work and improvement and now it’s all falling apart. I haven’t missed a poem yet for my Haiku-A-Day project yet, which is good. It’s like my creative baseline. If I stop those then I am creatively deceased. My 100 words is dropping off. I’m always struggling to catch up. I haven’t written any new poetry in a few weeks now. I’m hardly even reading anymore! For God’s sake! Work sucks! Why can’t I just write all the time?
08/17 Direct Link
POSERS
A Hate Song
(For Dorothy Parker)

I hate posers;
They blow hard.

There are the posers.
The actors on the stage of knowledge.
Chewing the scenery with a handful of memorized facts.
They quote from DVD commentaries,
With an authoritarian flourish.
They really appreciate famous paintings.
They steer away from real conversation,
Joking loudly when they can’t contribute
No matter what book you read,
They’ve read it too,
And a year before you did,
And they didn’t like it.
Their favorite bands just met this morning.
They’ve been around the world—
I wish they were on the other side.
08/18 Direct Link
Please explain to me how George Lucas can be both brilliant and a complete moron at the same time. I don’t understand how a concept as amazing as the lightsaber could be birthed out of the same mind that thought Jar Jar Binks would be a great idea. How can he be such a talented conceptualist yet can’t write a single syllable of authentic, believable dialogue? How can he have given such a glorious gift to his die hard fans and then turn around and slap them in the face? How can he continue to lower the bar so epically?
08/19 Direct Link
What an abomination of a first day of school! No air conditioning for the first five hours of school. Literally dripping sweat in my own classroom. My principal felt the need to replace all of my desks with “better” desks donated from another school. Needless to say they were not better and took up almost all available floor space in the room. So I got to argue all day with him about the best mechanics of my own room. He would know best, though, as he has spent no time in my room and has never once seen me teach.
08/20 Direct Link
Lately I’ve had the rather abysmal feeling that every single decision I have ever made in my life has been wrong. Not like wrong like it could have gone either way, but wrong like completely and utterly and epically wrong. I make decisions based on what I believe to be my own best interests or on hope for better times in the future. Yet every time these turn out to be the wrong choice. How can that be? How can I never get one right? You’d think the odds would roll in my favor occasionally. But no, they don’t. Ever.
08/21 Direct Link
Being the poorest giant kid in the richest giant neighborhood in Giantville wasn’t an easy thing. Just ask Dricardo. Tomorrow was the first day of school at Giantville Preparatory Academy, the most elite school in Giantopia. He was there on a Stalk Climbing scholarship. Tomorrow would be a fashion show. Every giant kid dressed to the nines. This year’s vogue fashion was midget necklaces. Delicate gold chains with living midgets from neighboring townships holding on for dear life. Dricardo could never afford them. He’d have to settle for the shortest guy in the next village. And everyone would know it.
08/22 Direct Link
I do not know what this says about me as a person and a teacher. During our in-service week before school actually started I went to target with a bunch of teachers: all women, all better than me. They were running around buying pencil boxes to give to kids on the first day. They were discussing the merits of various filing folders. They were stocking up on the best poster hanging technologies. And I find myself in the toy aisle staring at two Batman action figures thinking, “Now do I want Thermo Suit Batman for my desk, or Stealth Batman?”
08/23 Direct Link
Things I’ve Learned About Being An Adult From Watching Friends:

Hang out in one place and one place only, they’ll always save your place for you
Don’t ever worry about losing your job, someone you know will help you find another one
All of your friends have all made out or had sex with each other
Great apartments in Greenwich Village are very affordable
One of your friends is madly and secretly in love with you
Work takes up hardly any time at all
Never ever, under no circumstances are you to spend any time alone
Tom Selleck is hot
08/24 Direct Link
Goddamn you Watchmen movie! Why do you have to look so amazing? Now every Tom, Dick, and moron in the country is going to claim you. You don’t need them Watchmen. They won’t really love you like I do. I knew you back before you had a trailer. No one told me about you. I didn’t see you advertised. We just found each other one day. It was serendipity. Remember how great it was? Just us? Staring longingly at each other. They won’t respect you like I do. They’re just looking for a good time. Remember who loves you Watchmen.
08/25 Direct Link
What is it that causes most of us to lose interest in learning? The excitement of discovery? The thrill of fresh knowledge? I can see it in my classes. The kids are so enthusiastic. They absorb everything I throw at them. Where does that go? What happens to that? And more importantly, what can I do to stop it? Anything? Do I concentrate on the kids I know are going to grow up and be great, and help make them even better? Do I even bother with the ones already treading the path of loserdom? Do I do both equally?
08/26 Direct Link
It’s election madness! The most important election in generations! Appointing the leaders that will lead us into the 21st century! The very fate of the nation hangs in the balance! Finding the person who will attempt to reconcile America’s reputation with the rest of the world! The people of the greatest nation in the history of humanity are whipped into a frenzy, foaming at the mouth for the chance to cast their ballots come this November. And I, a young American, listen to the enthusiastic voices of the millions of my generation, step forward proudly, and offer my own resounding…meh.
08/27 Direct Link
I went to Amazon to look up how many books Barack Obama has written. I don’t know that much about him, except that he is a brilliant speaker and he’s not a bumbling frat-tard. That in itself is enough for me. If I do vote in November it will be for him. And what I found on Amazon was the quintessence of being a loser. How much of a pathetic, powerless, complete and total waste of life must you be to use the Amazon book review feature to blast a presidential candidate? Seriously, honestly, go fucking blow your brains out.
08/28 Direct Link
We build rockets to take us to other planets. We send satellites out of our solar system. We move mountains. We can change the flow of rivers. We build gigantic steel memorials to human achievement. We cure diseases. We can split the very atoms that make up the universe. For as much as we think of ourselves as the masters of the earth, all it takes a hurricane or a tornado or an earthquake to remind us just how very little control we actually have. One storm and the earth wipe an entire city off the planet. That is power.
08/29 Direct Link
Hot chicks are stupid. Let’s just be honest and acknowledge the correlation between hotness and stupidity. The hotter chicks are the dumber they are. Why? Because if you’re hot, not one gives a shit what you know. Doors will open, people will give you things. Breasts, legs, butts, and faces trump all. If a chick was super hot and super intelligent, she could easily take over the world. It would take about a week. But they won’t because they’d rather pay dress-up and pretend to be a celebrity. So keep watching MTV ladies. And we’ll keep dismissing you. Girl power.
08/30 Direct Link
I really like my apartment. It’s comfortable and the girlfriend keeps it well decorated, far better than I could. My bed is amazing. We have a nice TV. A nice computer. Futon could use a little work but it’s not bad. But one thing I really wish I had was a big chair with a bright light that I could sit in and read. Our apartment windows only face north so it’s always pretty dim and I have really no place to sit and read. I have several spots where I lay and read, but it’s really not as satisfying.
08/31 Direct Link
All work and no play makes Steve a dull boy…
All work and no play makes Steve a dull boy…
All work and no play makes Steve a dull boy…
All work and no play makes Steve a dull boy…
All work and no play makes Steve a dull boy…
All work and no play makes Steve a dull boy…
All work and no play makes Steve a dull boy…
All work and no play makes Steve a dull boy…
All work and no play makes Steve a dull boy…
All work and no play makes Steve a dull boy…