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It started out as a joke--asking people to drink before I take an exam. But it happened and suddenly, people forgot to stop. I even had too much to drink and the night would've been such a wasted one if he didn't come. I must've been an awfully disgusting sight. I reeked of beer and couldn't concentrate. I also puked all over myself but he didn't care. He even cleaned up my vomit in the girls' bathroom. You know, when you're drunk, you tend to forget stuff that happened. Or things may seem unclear. But I'll never forget that.
What do you see in him? He takes advantage of you.Used your vulnerability. He has another. But takes care of you. Gives you the attention you deserve. It's all so complicated. What does he see in her? She's a backstabbing bitch, a liar and a two-faced crook. What did I see in him a year ago? Even though he was selfish, even though he took advantage of me and even though he lied, I still loved him. Maybe that's why I listen to you, because I understand. Love creates an illusion and you tend to forget the bad stuff.
It's cold and it's raining. Big drops of ice cold water are falling as I walk on the streets. With no umbrella, I walk briskly, head bowed. Too late. I have to go home but no jeepney will agree to my request. If only he was here beside me, I wouldn't feel as lonely. But he's sick, of course he can't be here. And I'm independent and strong, I do this alone all the time. Which is why I'm scared for myself. Because I think I'm becoming dependent on him. This is what he gets for spoiling me too much.
The ice cold bitter taste touches your tongue and goes down to your stomach, where it settles for a while, warming you up. With every gulp you take, you also take in more memories, more laughter, more bonding moments. And for some reason, the bitter taste of it just keeps us wanting more, craving more for it. It's not really the taste that we are after. But the feeling and the memories that come alive with it. It must be some hynotic drink. Because it seems as if we can never stop. Instead, we drink glass after glass after glass.
I know that life is not a fairytale. I know that not everything is about magic, and castles and prince charmings. We cry, we get angry, and we lie. How can you call that a fairytale? But despite everything, I still believe that everyone will get happy endings. After a time of grief or suffering, I know that a happy ending is waiting just around the corner. Life may not be a whimsical, glittery fairytale but a novel with a happy ending where all the pains are temporary. No matter how long they will last, they won't last forever.
We always wait. We wait for the bus. We wait for tomorrows. We wait for the jeepneys. We wait for family members to come home. We wait fo messages. We wait for phone calls. We wait for answers. We wait for confessions. We wait for deadlines to draw nearer until we decide to do something. We wait until we arrive at our different destinations. Come to think of it, almost everything in life has something to do with waiting. Sometimes, we can do things to shorten the wait. But sometimes, there is no alternative but to wait until it comes.
I'm used to being "one of the guys". One of those girls that they tease will be better off as a guy. One of those that they can curse, drink with, smoke with, punch and kid around with. And I'm not complaining. In fact, some of my closest friends are guys. But being with a group of girls--and
girls is different. I sort of missed that feeling. I missed being all girly (EW!) and listening to stories that I will never hear from the guys. Hanging with guys is great but it wouldn't hurt to be a "girl" sometimes.
Most girls tend to fall in love with they guy that gives them the attention that they want. No matter how much you like someone, you never fail to appreciate the ones who take care of you, who make you feel special and treat you the way you want to be treated by the very person who's breaking your heart. Then confusion kicks in as slowly, your affection is shifted from one person to the other. And you defnitely can't be blamed. A girl deserves to be with a guy who will make her feel the luckiest in the world.
She said it was really obvious back then that I liked you. That I would do anything for you--anything that you asked of me. She also said it was disturbing knowing what I felt for you even though you were not deserving. Even though for her, there was absolutely nothing to like about you. But I did like you a lot. Head over heels, remember? And now as I talk to her, I laugh because it's so easy talking about you. As if nothing happened. I finally understand what people said about some people being better of as friends.
It's funny. I see them now and I see them as my guides. No matter how naughty, how many vices they have, I still look up to them. Because as I see them now, they've each been successful in their own ways. Not necessarily in businesses, but in how they handled their lives. They've been through so much and they still come out of everything alive. They know what they're saying. And no matter what people think of them, I know who they really are. The truth is, they are really good people who will do anything for their friends.
I am scared of cancer. Utterly scared of it. One reason might be because everyone on my mother's side except for her died of cancer. I am scared that one day, the cancer might come on to me and never leave. Not that I'm being paranoid or anything, but I'm pretty sure that it's normal. I'm scared of the way the cancer comes onto you and clings to you. I'm scared of the way it makes people suffer. And the way it makes people actually HOPE only to be disappointed. And the way it kills. I'm really, truly scared of cancer.
If age was measured by the number of experiences one has had, I would probably be on the way to being an old hag. But it's not, and I'm not. Sometimes I think about the things I've done. Do I enjoy life too much? Am I too reckless, too carefree and do I just go with my instincts? Not that I regret any of it, because I absolutely do NOT. But sometimes I think that when I'm old enough, what do I do when it turns out I've already done everything I could think of? Will I just.. die young?
"Everybody's doing it."
Nope. Not really. And you don't do it because of peer pressure. You do it because you want to. Regardless of how many people do it. You do it because you're willing to share something with someone. Because you're ready. Nobody should be forced into it. It just spoils the whole essence. So don't force her into doing it. She will, if she's ready. Because it's a big step forward. It's something you can never take back. So before you do it, make sure you won't regret it. That's what I did. And I definitely don't regret.
You know that I'm territorial. I'm as selfish as anybody else. Even though I'm outgoing, friendly and seemingly approachable, I don't let people enter my life quickly. I still choose my friends. It doesn't mean that when I talk to you or kid with you that you're already my friend. I don't want people entering and taking what's mine. That's one thing I can't stand. What's mine is mine. Then some say I'm intimidating. Maybe, just maybe, I have to learn to let people in. But don't you agree that if I don't want to, I will never learn how to?
Silence. Tension. Cold air. One wrong move may destroy everything. One wrong word might end it. I could feel his disappointment, his big time frustration. I could feel the hostility. Everything was evident in the silence. But we talked it over. And I felt guilty once again. Why is it always me who ruins everything? It took a while to make everything right. And I realized that no matter how much I disappoint him, he will always be there. Drunk as I was, he still took me home even though tension was obvious. I fail to appreciate what's around me.
At the age of 17, I know I am still young. But I feel old sometimes. I can't believe that in 17 years, this much has happened. Also, in the years to come, I know more things are bound to happen. I have always believed in Neverland. I have always said I don't want to grow up. That I want to stay as a kid forever. Of course I know that it's impossible. Maybe, just maybe I am afraid of facing the horrible truth that I am in fact on my way to growing up. It's dawning on me. Slowly.
It's high school all over again! Hahaha. It really makes me laugh. All the superficialness, all the lying, all the backstabbing, all the cliques and also all the fun, all the memories, all the friends and all the experiences. It all comes around. It happens every time. Again and again and it really is phenomenal. College is a different thing but high school? It's powerful. When it happens again, it just makes college stand back. High School. It's over. Is it? Ha. Guess again. Only for a little while. Bowling For Soup, you sure got something right. High school never ends.
"So, why don't you just ask both group of friends to party?" He asked me with a "Like, Duh." look on his face. I laughed and I shook my head. How easy it is for guys to get along. That's one of the things I envy about them. You have a common friend, you play some game together and then you're cool. Girls? Different story. Backstabbing, plastics, lies, stories. It's very complicated. You can't put different cliques together easily. When guys fight, they punch each other and then they're okay. When girls fight, it's hell dirty. Way dirtier than anything else.
It's different with the two of us. I can tell you everything. You were the only one who really knew what happened during those times. You are the only guy, as far as I can remember, who has ever made me cry in front of you. But you didn't have to be mad, you didn't have to break my heart to make me cry. It was you being disappointed in me that made me cry that much that night. I'm confused at what this is. I even feel guilty. But what matters is I know you'll always be right there.
Finally had THE haircut. I feel so stress-free. I feel so happy. I feel so fulfilled and proud of myself for everything I have accomplished this semester. This has to be one of the most hellish semesters in my entire college life and I survived it! Even though I was an org applicant. Even though I ran for student council. And my grades all turned out to be okay. I love love love this sem. Even though I was too busy. Now I think I deserved a reward. Cheers to a hellish sem that is now, officially OVER! Boo yeah!
I love Manila. I love the city lights, the splendor, everything. I love it that I can spend time with my family when I'm in Manila. I enjoy mall-hopping, window-shopping, food-tripping, movie marathons with them. I love it. I really love it. But there's something I love more, and this I guess makes me a bad girl. I love elbi more. Really. Nothing beats walking on the streets of elbi and feeling as if you own the place. Nothing beats hanging with your best friends and just doing nothing but talk. ELBI is really the place to be. I miss it.
Travelling can be fun. But most of the time, it sucks. Walking in the rain towards the bus terminal. Walking with strangers of different looks, auras and stands on life. Scary. Fun, a bit. But still more on the scary side. Sitting next to a stranger. Sometimes when lucky, it's an old woman or a couple with a kid. When unlucky, it's a freaky and smelly man or even a police officer. A couple making out. Then the traffic. Making your butt hurt during the whole bus ride. Hunger and thirst. THEN someone on the bus pukes. PERFECT. Just perfect.
Maybe he's just testing the waters. Trying to see if he still has some magic over me. I know we're okay now, that we're friends again. But recently he's been acting more and more annoying. He keeps on insulting me. Then keeps asking me favors. What the hell is that. But when I turn all of his requests down, I do it with a triumphant smile as if to say, "See? You don't have me anymore. You've lost your magic." If this was a year ago, I would never have imagined myself feeling this way. Mister, it really is done.
Sometimes, when you think you already know someone inside and out, something happens that just makes you go "BAM!" You don't, after all. You just assume that you already know every little itsy bitsy thing there is to know about that person. And of course in the end, it's still you in the wrong. For assuming. And for being wrong, of course. How that totally sucks. Let's take another few thousand or so points out for expecting once again no matter how many times I've told myself not to. I still lose, whichever angle you look at it from. Ha.
I love it that you're so supportive of me. Whatever I do is okay with you. When i do something that you don't approve of, you don't start a fight. I really appreciate you for that--you take me as me, you love me for me. Even though you're disappointed that we can't spend more time together, you still cheer for me--my acads, council, org. You are amazing. But remember this, it's okay to tell me if you don't like what I'm doing. Actually, I'd rather you tell me. Don't keep it to yourself. That's what I'm here for.
I was surprised that it ended just like that. JUST. LIKE. THAT. It struck me yet again that things can disappear in just a split second. Suddenly, everything you've been holding onto comes crashing down on you like a bad joke. Because you really don't get it. And isn't it ironic that when it disappears, it disappears that quick. But the hurt, the frustration, lasts for a very long time. And every good memory is sometimes not enough to make up for the loss you feel afterwards. And I think now, I never want whatever I have now to end.
Sembreak has made me realize a lot of things. I make decisions more quickly now. I have become more hot-tempered, more demanding, more everything. I expect too much from people(again) and I get disappointed more and more. Again. Maybe they were right when they said that everything goes around in circles. Circles. I make mistakes. I learn from them. I write about them and vow never to make the same mistakes again. But of course I end up making them again. What the heck is wrong? Are mistakes just plain unavoidable? Or is it that I never ever learn?
Confirmed! They broke up. Confirmed again! A certain couple broke up. Everyone, well, almost every couple here is breaking up this month. I don't know why but it's just been one big avalanche and then it's as if the snow continued downhill from there. At first I just noticed clues. And then I got certifications. And then, slowly, more breakups occurred. What is it with this month? And then for those who are NOT couples, everything is still somewhat complicated. Why why why. Just when Christmas is near. I'm noticing a trend. October marks the end of so many things.
I hate the way I write now. Sometimes, I think I'm just writing to finish this batch. Because right now, I only write whenever I feel like it. Or not. Usually, when I feel like writing, I CAN'T. Because I can't write about most stuff that's going on in my life. Then I realize I don't have anything ELSE to write about. I lack drive. And inspiration. And topics. Haha. I wonder whatever gave me the idea back then that I could be a writer. It's plain to see that I can't. And that I will never ever be. Dreamer.
Delayed. Worried. Because she, at her young age, actually has a reason to worry about why her period is this much delayed. Frequent headaches. Vomiting more often than before. Low resistance. Everything's pointing at this obvious outcome. But she refuses to believe it. And even though scared, there's an abnormal feeling of excitement. They have talked about this a number of times before and they would do everything they can. It would be hard, if ever. But they'll make this work. They knew what they got into and they don't regret anything. And besides, there isn't a sure result yet. :D
All the worry left my thoughts as we spent the day together. We had fun, watching movies, wrestling each other, having tickle fights until we both ran out of breath. I guess, he didn't want to worry until the result and that rubbed off on me. As we lay down to catch our breaths, I smiled as we hugged each other tightly. I felt safe. I
feel safe in his arms. And in that moment I knew. That whatever the result might be, we can and we will overcome this together. We will stay happy like this whatever happens.
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