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Pressure. I can feel every drop of it dropping--no,pouring down on me. For the past three weeks I have sacrificed much just for this. And soon, it will be over. I know it is worth it. I know everyone thinks I joined this because of family and at first, that was true. But as the three weeks passed, I realized a lot. I am joining this for myself too. Because I have realized how much I want it. Believe it or not. And in a few hours, I will be able to get my life back--and more.
A LOVE LETTER:
Finally! I'm back! How I missed you, Area51. You have no idea how many times in the past three weeks that I have thought about you. I felt as if something huge was missing every time a day passed that I didn't get to visit you. I know I've missed out on a lot, you don't have to rub it in. But finally, I am back. How I missed sitting on the cold floor, the notorious gamers, the curse words flying every second and even the smoking area. But now, finally, at long last, I AM HOME. :)
I hate you. No, that's too harsh. Let's rephrase it. I dislike you. You annoy me. Every bit. Every word you say, every look you give. Why do you think you're beyond cool? I hate how you seem to think you're so fucking smart. Why the hell do you seem to think that I care about your rants? I don't give a damn! I would absolutely love it if you would just shut up. Please. I hate it that I'm stuck with you. I dislike you. No, let me rephrase that. I HATE YOU.
(TO A CLASSMATE. I WISH YOU ROT.)
I wish.. That we never met you. That we never found you cute. That she didn't fall for you. That you didn't take advantage of the situation. That you weren't such an asshole. (Well, you still are.) That you never made your move. That you never said what you said. You are such a loser. You don't deserve her and your brother doesn't either. Now I don't know who I hate more. But I think I hate you more for entering her life during her vulnerability and then hurting her even more. How dare you. You're gonna pay for this.
I miss going home in Mang Ros's jeepney. I miss searching my wallet for coins and then begging coins from Aryan and Icks. I miss buying ice cream from Ministop and sitting on the steps of Vega Arcade with Aryan and Icks while waiting for Mang Ros. I miss treating them
. I miss eating lunch at Bordo's with Area people. I miss Chef's. I miss going to his house every Monday and Friday. I miss drinking. I even miss smoking. I miss my umbrella. I miss remembering my dreams.
How come I'm so happy when I'm missing a lot?
"It would be exactly like falling: effortless. Not letting myself love her was the opposite of falling--it was pulling myself up a cliff-face, hand over hand, the task as grueling as if i had no more than mortal strength."
I can see why readers all over the world are falling for this vampire. Extremely caring and can never resist Bella. He would rather hurt himself than her. This is the love shown in all fairytales: perfect, flawless, mushy. In the real world, it's not always like this but sooner or later, somewhere, you will find love.
Wouldn't it be nice if we were older, then we wouldn't have to wait so long? Wouldn't it be nice to live together in the kind of world where we belong? You know it's gonna make it that much better, when we can say goodnight and stay together."
I look too much towards the future. I already have plans. Plans, plans, plans. Which is a good thing because at least I have goals. But then, I tend not to focus on my present which can really affect my "plans" for my "future". At least I don't live in the past.
Log in to Friendster.com and see what's up with the people you know. First, the ever famous status. Single, Married, In a Relationship, Domestic Parnership, etc.
Two people. Single. They became Married. Lo and behold, one day I saw this: SINGLE. Shock surrounded me as I searched for her profile, no longer on his featured list. I saw this: IT'S COMPLICATED. I sighed in defeat. But.. "It's Complicated" can mean so much from unreqruited love to simple fight to a bigger fight to a cool-off to a temporary break up to a permanent break up. So what did this mean?
I fall in love with fictional characters a lot. First up is Michael Moretti, from Sidney Sheldon's Rage of Angels. He is the bad guy. The Villain. A Mafia god. Then, I am also head over heels with Draco Malfoy, evil as evil can be. Cunning. Gorgeous. Then there's Edward Cullen. Vampire. But beautiful. Hot. Addictive. But dangerous. But extremely loving. I have always had a things for bad boys. I attract trouble and danger but I love it. I love it when someone cold learns to suddenly love. And I learned that the toughest of guys love the best.
I don't like the colorful skinny jeans. To begin with, I have never liked skinny jeans because they only look good on some people. Skinny jeans make most girls look like they have short stocky legs and immensely big thighs. How can that be attractive?! And now everywhere, I see girls with short stocky PINK legs. Or short stocky GREEN legs. Oh lord. Is the world about to end now that I keep on seeing girls with short stocky PURPLE legs?! Nothing could be worse than this. When lo and behold, I see a guy sporting short stocky RED legs.
Let me tell you a love story.
He loved her. Courted her, gave her everything. She had just come from a breakup, still madly in love with her ex but slowly falling for this guy. Without her noticing, she fell in love with him but she still refused him, thinking that she will never get over her ex. He finally gives up, his feelings finally faded and they're back to being good friends. But now, she cries every night, wishing she said "yes" a few months back. She tried to win him back but it was definitely and finally over.
Suddenly, there's a will to be better. There's a drive to be on top. I am the only thing that's pushing myself to improve. I create my own motivations. I choose my own goals. I choose the people who I'm doing this for. I make my own reasons for everything. I have my principles. I have my standards. I know what I want and I think of incredulous ways to get them. I suffer. Sometimes. I get angry. Often. I get in trouble countless times. I daydream endlessly. I fake a smile. How complicated life can be every single day.
I like it that they think of me as a tough person, as a strong-willed girl who won't let just anybody bring me down. I like it that they think I'm close to being indestructible. But people really have the tendency to overestimate others. I am not Super Girl. I get tired too. I break down too. I have my weaknesses too, maybe I just don't let everyone see. I fail a lot. And I am every bit as destructible and fragile as everyone else. But there are times when even I tend to overestimate myself. And it's not good.
You're taken. But you're not happy. Sure he buys you stuff. He takes you to class. You have fun together. But he also fails to see through your smiles. He has other priorities. And you're not.. contented. Not satisfied. Something's missing and definitely wrong and it's not just your constant fights. Then here comes this guy. He does unexpectedly sweet things to you and surprisingly, you feel a rush. You get confused, you realize you like him and you give him more attention than your boyfriend. Then he stays away. And then he comes back.
Anu ba itong pinasok mo?
I really missed him and we've been planning this day since last week. And then, it rained. And not just any rain, it was fuckin' pourin' down! All I could think was "Fuck climate change." But the rain stopped, we were able to see each other and spend time together. We watched movies, made weird avocado salad, played Crazykart, and just talked and laughed with each other. How amazing it is to have someone who makes you feel so giddy yet so comfortable and at ease at the same time. I have no complaints. Mushy, but he makes everything right. :)
Ice cream. Friends. Get togethers. Unique shoes. Bargains. Dark chocolate. Hoodies. Parties. Sneakers. Lollipops. Pigs. Cold coffee. Staying out of trouble. Saying NO to a challenge. Not being able to walk in the rain. Cute umbrellas. Not being able to resist counting the pedestrian lines. Being frustrated when I can't get my point across. Being a sore loser. Not being able to control my anger. Or happiness. Keeping secrets. Planning. Organizing. Denying him time. Seeing a close friend cry. Decision making. Not being able to say anything to comfort someone. Cuddling. Hugs. Eyes. Seeing him smile because of me.
I'm chatting with my six-year old half-brother right now. I know he types real slow so I can squeeze this in. But he surprises me everytime. He actually knows how to use smileys! And OMG, he knows about Photosharing! And audibles! Haha! I love this kid, I absolutely do. He's smart, funny, hella handsome and suuuuuper caring. He's uber energetic, talks real fast and is always in for hugs and kisses. You know what else I love about this kid? He told me once "I think I should only love one girl forever." Young, young, I know. But still. Sweet. :)
She's boring. She only smiles, nods and says "Ah" "Ok" and "Hehe." And yet he spoils her. He courts her. He bows down before her and is at her every whim. His reason? Because she's pretty. Beautiful. Gorgeous. I know I've written endless complaints about this but until now, I still can't see the logic behind loving someone because of his/her looks. Pathetic. Unfair. Injustice. What if someone was not so pretty but so beautiful in wit and attitude? Anyway, sooner, the real deal comes out and the one who deserves it gets it. Looks mean nothing over time.
"You all smoke?"
Nod, nod, nod.
"Oh. I'm surprised."
"Are you disappointed?"
"Not really. Just shocked."
"Me. I'm hell disappointed. I can't believe this."
"It just isn't right. Why do you do it??"
"We just do."
"I DON'T. I don't see why anyone should smoke."
"Well, we're destroying our lungs, not yours if you'd stay away."
"Good. Then I will."
"I'm still surprised you smoke."
"Does it make any difference?"
"Not really. But it does. But it shouldn't."
"Right. We're still friends."
"Yeah.. So, got a light?"
Major adrenalin rush.I climbed over the gate tonight. I was locked out. With the help of two brods, I silently crossed over to the other side without shedding blood. And then, I realized that all the doors were locked. I had no place to sleep. The only option was the car, and this became my bed for the night.
I can never forget the thrill and goosebumps I felt. The sudden rush of excitement and energy mixed with the fear of being caught and getting hurt. But nothing beats the sense of fulfillment after coming out of it alive. :D
No wonder they think of you that way. Now I know what you are. I know what you're capable of, and I know your power.I know the way you think, I know your principles and I don't like them one bit. I don't know why you're like that but I don't really care. Sure I wish you'd stop but I think that's impossible. I know what kind of person you are and that's why I'm avoiding you. I'm sorry we believe and value different things. Do you know that I can't wait for next sem when you'll be gone? :)
You really are a different story, aren't you? We are SO not mushy but emarrassingly, I tend to get mushy when I'm alone and you pop into my mind. Ew. I don't know. I guess we match just right. Yes I laugh easily at jokes but I don't get pleased easily and yet, you do it without much effort. Haha! We laugh almost every second when we're together. I don't know who teases better between us. I don't know who has weirder ideas or who wrestles better. But I know that when I'm with you, I can stay forever. EW. :))
Becoming tipsy again after a long time feels completely satisfying. I love it--the lightheadedness, tripping when you stand and the bonding and laughter that comes along with every glass you drink and every shot you take. Having amazing people with you adds even more sweetness. And then smoke coming from almost everybody's mouths swirling in the air as conversations become more and more animated. Everything feels great. The night is a success. But just when you think something is finally prefect, disaster occurs. Memories of that night are of different glamour, laughter and just a little touch of mystery.
I don't want to see you hurt again. Again and so soon. I hoped you wouldn't rush into this so fast. But I'm trying not to judge too much. I shouldn't. Because I don't know him. Maybe he will be good for you. Maybe he will take really good care of you. And I hope you find in him what you've been looking for all along. I hope he doesn't hurt you. I wouldn't want to see you in tears again. To me, you're so strong-willed and tough but also very fragile. I hope this is the last. You learned.
It's been two years since that fateful night. I clearly remember that maybe because I often think about it. I sometimes laugh that that night happened. It was exciting, and I felt adrenalin rush like no other. At that time we were all in panic, in tears and depression but now, we just laugh at the memory that brought eight girls together. It's amazing that we never got caught. And that the bond we created that night never disappeared altogether even though we've had our share of fights and issues. Well. Happy 2nd Anniversary MS, and more years to come. :)
You fail as a leader because you don't have a mission. You fail because all you do is order us around. Sure, we get the job done. We do it greatly. Amazing results. But we do it without YOU. And you say you want to help everyone. So you organize overnight workshops. But we don't see you working. We see that you make it as an excuse to flirt and make out. You really disappointed me. But I'm not going to let you ruin this. I'll do whatever I can.
It's funny. I'm reading my entries for this month and I came to realize that almost every one of those entries are about love. Love stories. Different and unique in their own way. Fights, complications, some sweet, others bitter. Some have their pasts still haunting them, some have regrets, some do not value commitment and flirt like there's no tomorrow. Honestly, I cannot tell you how many times I have seen someone cry about their lovelives this month. Break-ups, cheating, anniversaries. And then this girl punched this girl for supposedly stealing her boyfriend. I witnessed that all this month. Weird.
"You're always smiling anyway."
So I've been told. The wonders of a smile are really countless and amazing. You would never know how many people smile after seeing your smile. You'd never be able to guess how many people are mesmerized by smiles. I like smiles. I like how they completely transform faces. But when I say "smile", I mean a real smile. The kind that brightens up the whole face and puts twinkles in both eyes. The kind of smile that makes it impossible for one NOT to smile back. The kind of smile that bridges gaps and distances.
I'm really bothered. At first I told myself to ignore it, shrug it off. But I couldn't. It haunted me too much. I kept getting more and more irritated by the mere thought of what happened. What they did was really unacceptable. I have to put things right. I know that I have a lot of people to back me up. Why do I feel so responsible? Because I love the soc. My parents loved the soc. I don't want my dad coming back here only to see for himself what has become of the soc he is so proud of.
No. No way. I know my limits. I know I can't. That would be too much for me. Too ambitious. Besides, I don't even want to. And the thing about me is, I never do something that I don't want. I never fight for something I don't believe in. I don't do favors for people who aren't important or special to me. I make choices. I follow my intuition. I take risks. And I take full blames for whatever happens. It's hard but I try. Maybe that's why I only have a few regrets. And why I continue to risk.
They say I'm lucky to have finally met someone who accepts me for me. Who accepts me as the REAL me--gamer, curses a lot, drinks, occasionally smokes, not a girly girl, extremely random and talkative and clumsy. That I met someone who seems to be absolutely content with me and who smiles and laughs a lot when he's with me. They say girls like me are really for bestfriend material but that we fall in love the hardest. I agree completely. And I'm pretty sure Jizza would too. Haha. And time will come when you'll get what you deserve.
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