REPORT A PROBLEM
My new year's resolution is to lose as much weight as I can and to save as much money as I can. My resolution last year was to not gain any more weight, and I didn't until December. Damn you, December! The weight is for health reasons and the money because I waste so much. I will find a good financial planner and get my future sorted out. It will be money well spent. Someone who is imaginative and non-judgmental. I will shop around to find the right person if necessary and pick up ideas along the the way.
Today is a rare summer holiday day in which I actually do something. I travel to the city by train mid-morning to meet a friend for lunch and see a movie. Before I go I do four loads of washing. It is cooler, so I can function a bit more normally. I go home and cook dinner, put all the washing away and remake the bed. I am being more like the person I would like to be. I would like to be active, a positive thinker, not a procrastinator, not overly-sensitive, not a whinger or navel-gazer.
I wake early then fall asleep again and have a scary dream. I feel a hand behind my hand. I feel around with my other hand and find another extra hand. There is a body attached to my back and the arms are hanging down behind my arms. I alternately throw hateful hot and freezing thoughts at it until it disappears. I have had scarier dreams than that. I am very organised, in spite of feeling sleepy, for my first day of work after the long weekend. I am also bloated for some reason, and have quite an uncomfortable day.
I have been trying to remember the last song I heard and I have no idea. It would be something on New Year's Eve. I watched a Robbie Williams concert on TV so it might be one of his. I watched the fireworks and the music medley would be the last song, if you can count that. I could say Auld Lange Syne because they probably played that. I saw the Hoodoo Gurus sing a song or two so that might be the last actual song. I have not listed to any music at all since New Year's Eve! Shocking!
On my evening walk I took my old iPhone 3 to listen to music. I was happy to hear some tunes I don't have on any other devices, favourite songs from Edith Piaf, Nick Cave and the Smashing Pumpkins. Earlier I was happy that my son was not mean to my nephew yesterday and that it was a misunderstanding. The chickens made me happy as usual as did the delightful Lexi and Figaro the cats. I am happy my sister is out having a good time and happy to be able to give my nephew his favourite, pizza, for dinner.
I went for a walk after dinner in my local suburb of Panania. Ahead of me was a man with a wobbly boot. He went into the kebab shop on the corner. Further along I followed a man with two very rowdy dogs on leads, one large dog and one large dog in a small dog's body. They became more and more aggressive toward each new dog they passed. The man walking them was massively built and he had trouble holding them. Back at my street Mr Wobbly Boot sat on a shop step yelling at passers by. Eventful walk.
I have a new Samsung Galaxy Note 5. I chose 5 because 7 was recalled and 5 would be perfectly fine, and it was on special. I had the first Note and loved it but when it died I went Windows because I wanted so spend less per month (or at least the same) and not more for basically the same service. I cannot believe how happy I am with the new phone. Will never leave Samsung again. Yes I have also tried Apple. Anyway, my new phone was the first thing I thought of when I woke up today.
I also thought of my son yesterday first thing as it was the day he was moving out. He came back today to pick up his car and then he was off. It was as though he had become a man overnight because when I saw him this morning he had stubble. Made me realise he normally keeps himself clean-shaven. Always. That is something I learned today. I also learned today that if I tell my nephew to do something, he will. If there is a question mark around my request it gives him the opportunity for an out.
Anyone who can do anything really good inspires me. Sometimes I pick up mannerisms of people I admire. I used to be able to feel as though I had become a part of the movie after seeing one, I guess because I was so eager to live the life of someone else. It would take a day to wear off. I no longer do, but that might just be getting older. I have always been subliminally impressed by people doing good, never those doing evil. That is a good thing! I am not one to be following the naughty boy.
Today is on the red-orange-yellow side of the spectrum. First of all it is a very hot day, we are in the midst of a heatwave. Secondly, I felt quite on top of things today, and that gave the day a rosy hue. After spending the past couple of work days organising my work into a new system I finally got some work done, fast! I'd say it was an orange kind of day, the kind of orange directly next to yellow, but not quite peach, more an apricot. I also found another redback spider in the yard.
You don't want to still be renting when you are 60, someone once told me someone had told her. She bought a property when young enough. Now I am 50-something and still renting I sure will still be renting when I am 60. I am a little afraid of what that means. On the other hand I have come to terms with never being a home-owner. I am also a little afraid of how I will afford to rent when I am no longer working. Luckily for most of my life I have been skint so I'll manage.
In front of me is my nose, my feet, my next steps, the future. I am in it and heading into it again and again. Could be trouble. Could be uncertainty. Most likely boring. My dog used to be in front of me. He always went first. You are not supposed to let the dog go first, but they mostly do. The rat race. Well, what can you do when you are a rat. A city mouse, former country mouse. The tread mill is larger in the city. There is less time off it. It is bright and shiny though.
My favourite part of today was going to bed tonight I reckon, only because I have been so tired lately. Although I always fall asleep on the train, and when I go to bed I can't sleep! I thought perhaps I should ride the train to sleep, the way people take their babies for a drive or a walk in the pram. The excessive heat doesn't help, and the train is air conditioned... I went for a trek to the city at lunch time to drop off coffee pods for recycling. That was not my favourite part of the day.
I didn't see many people today, only the people I live with. I planned to go shopping but stayed home, hermit-like. It was unbearably hot and humid. I lay around like a fat slug for most of the day apart from a walk to the shops to arrive five minutes after the barber shut. If only I could cut hair...I can a bit but I don't know what I am doing. Couldn't do a proper short hair cut. Missed out this weekend. Finally I was hungry and pulled something together for dinner. Spaghetti sauce in a jar. Mmmm.
I can't remember the last time I kissed someone. If you count cats and chickens it was yesterday. Romantic-type kissing, three years or so. Cheek pecking-type kissing, that would have been the Christmas shenanigans. Before that there was a rash of greeting-type kissing at the family get-together. That's about it for kissing in recent times. I think I'll just go kiss the cat. She doesn't mind. The chickens would rather not be molested, whether it be picking them up, cuddling them or kissing their necks. I wouldn't kiss them on the beak. That would be weird.
When I was a kid I used to like imagining the houses I would live in when I was an adult. I was more a teenager I think when I thought of these things. Probably eager to grow up and move out. One house in particular I used to imagine, I wonder if I will ever see that house. It was in a cold, damp climate. I can see the garden and paths around the house and the inside is cosy but dark. I remember feeling lonely when I thought of the house. I lived alone, but it was home.
I had a pretty good day today where I didn't feel any periods of self-loathing. If I could change anything I would have got more work done to meet tomorrow's deadline. It will be hard to meet the deadline. I will have to take some short-cuts and fill in the gaps later. I managed to get on top of my to-do list today. I have been tying myself in knots with it, making it too complicated and each morning wondering where the hell to start. Tomorrow I will be a fast-track train to the finish-line.
I don't look up to anyone in particular right now. I wonder what that's all about. I am sure through my life there has always been someone I have admired and emulated enough to say I look up to them (a few run through my mind now). Could it be having more faith in myself and being less critical of who I am and what I do? Letting go of guilt and shrugging off misunderstandings rather than stewing over them? I could say I look up to a famous person, like the president of the USA (current one) or Canada.
One of my life dreams would be to be normal. Apparently lots of people don't feel normal, but I see normal people everywhere and I reckon I am one of the few that are not. I assumed I would fall in love, get married, have kids, own my own home, and I have done all these things, but the only thing that remains of them is the kid. I guess I assumed the love, home and marriage would be lifelong. Wrong! OK I have then fulfilled these life dreams. And I have a child. Bonus! Life is good after all.
At the top of my to do list is a big catch up at work which seems to be a perennial. I. Am. Making. Ground. At home I am behind, but trundling along. It would be amazing to be caught up with everything. I am sure some people are and they might be the ones who say it never stops. It stops with me, because I stop. Or don't start. Anyway, there is no one thing above all others at the top of my list, just a general catch up catch-all. I always have a big to do list.
I would not normally think there was anything I love about this season because it is my least-favourite, but if I had to say something I could say the long days. I love (very strong work, how about like) leaving for work in the daylight and arriving home in the daylight, with daylight to spare. It is hot and humid with short heat-waves. The days are long, sure, but that means more heat. The nights can be just as hot. Let's be inventive: a cold beer, a refreshing swim, not being cold, having more time for outdoor activities.
I went to the new ICC theatre at Darling Harbour to see Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds. First time for me at the venue, second time at a Nick Cave concert. We sat at the back, second row from the back wall. He was tiny, about a centimetre tall. The lighting was fantastic. It started out moody and subtle and with some exciting crescendos later on. The best thing was the sound, the clearest I have ever experienced at a rock concert. You could understand every word as though he were singing it to you, in your ear. You.
I wish I had bought a house. I still rent and it is irksome that I have missed the boat. The thing most missing from my life would have to be that. Missing also is a partner and I don't bother looking for anyone as I feel I have nothing to offer because I don't own any property. Well, that's part of the reason. And yet, I have a roof over my head, unlike the homeless I pass each day. I have had partners/blokes and don't seem to be missing anything by not having one. Perhaps a best friend.
Each week I schedule several meetings, some of which are over the phone. I have not visited my distant team in person for about three months. I used to visit about once a fortnight. That was a lot of travelling. It was fun, but tiring. Expensive, also, if you can manage from afar; not to mention time consuming. Soon it will all be over, refreshed. That's a neat term. I am unsure what the final result will be, but it will be different to what it is now. Soon we will know what is in store for us at work.
Today is the last day of work for five days. I feel like school is out. I go to a bar to join a craft group get-together and end up getting home very late (after nine o'clock!) I'm not sure I'll continue with it as it's a late night especially with work the next day. That is not a problem this week! It just takes so long to get home on the train. I was ready to go at 7.30 but it's hard to get away. Train trips home late at night can be slightly soul-destroying too.
Happy Australia Day. I spend the day at home alone, just the way I like it. I manage to do a lot of home-improvement planning and rearranging, setting up the craft room. The cats come and go and I don't spend time with the chickens. The weather is kind of mild. It is no scorcher. I listen to Triple J for old time's sake. To be truthful I hit on that station by mistake but left it there. It is so apt for Australia Day, listening to the Hottest 100. I end up the night drinking too much wine.
Today is a cool day. I should go grocery shopping. I should shop for the other things I want to buy (picture frames, bag, magazine holders - I wish I took the ones from work that were thrown out - damn). I should spend time in the back garden. I almost did but then didn't do any of those things. I watch my DVD Blackpool, all six episodes. It is twelve years old now. I knit quite a lot. Heaps, actually. Just like I used to, like a machine. Consequently I go to bed very late but that's cool, I'm on holidays.
Today is HOT. I am inside all day and put the air con on. I take a wedge of watermelon out to the chickens and they don't come running as they usually do. I find them under the house. No wonder they are coping in the heat - they go under the house where it is cool! Clever hens. I take the watermelon to them and they hoe in. I must put some water under there for them. I go grocery shopping in the afternoon. It is still a novelty. Grateful for health, being gainfully employed, friends, family and adorable pets.
I wake 0:700 and it is a bright shining day. I will either stay in and do all the home stuff or go out and shop. Lots to buy. I decided to stay in. I am invited out in the afternoon and I take a while to answer the SMS, trying for the right tone, to get out of it. Of course that doesn't work and I go. We arrive at a club and I inwardly groan, disliking spending daylight hours in clubs. It wasn't too bad. I enjoyed the band and even had a bit of a dance.
It is a very hot day. It will stay hot overnight and the heat will continue tomorrow. I have had the air con on, happy this house has it. I did more indoors stuff today because I didn't get much done yesterday and nor was I motivated to go out. That would take too much energy. I don't end up going shopping and it is back to work tomorrow. I did not make the best of my five days off, but I did get quite a bit done so I can't be too disappointed. I wish I had more energy.
I saw in the local paper today a writing group that gets together once a month. I might go along. I used to enjoy my writing group which disbanded due to there being only two of us left. It is much cooler today and I have more energy. The two things are definitely related. Just looking at the paper would be beyond me if I had no energy. I don't think it is low iron though. Lazy arsed lethargy is more like it. I went for a short walk today after dinner. I need to download some podcasts for walking.
The Tip Jar