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I leave the house ready for a hot day. I water the potplants. I pull some weeds on the way out as I have plenty of time. I woke very early with the early dog and dog walker. I greeted them at the door when they returned. I have been having a migraine, I realise, as I enter the part of it where I can't think. I expend all my energy and brain power on the midday deadline and go home. The house is cool and the sheets are cool and I sleep until 5pm. I feel better by bedtime.
I started a "diet" today. All I am doing is being more aware of what I eat, and I plan to resume daily excercising. I bought a new calorie counting book on the way in to work. I met Andy for lunch and had less and a healthier choice than usual. I have become as big as I want to get. Carrying a bit of weight can make you look younger when you are older, so I'll look at it that way for the school reunion this weekend. Someone has left a dollar coin on my desk. I wonder why.
I stay at Andy's a bit too long but it doesn't matter in the end and I arrive in Orange right on time, even though it takes me a while to choose something I can wear to the reunion tonight. I drive out past the new hospital and the old drive-in site (the screen is still there) to check it out. I have an interesting time at the reunion. I can't say it was fun, but everyone else seems to have a ball. I didn't drink enough, perhaps. Thirty years is a long time and the changes are scary.
It is the first day of daylight saving and I didn't know. The date has been kept very quiet this year. We go to a recovery brunch with some of the other ladies from last night (I should't say 'girls'). I visit my sister after that and have a sleep on her lounge chair. I go back to my friend's house for dinner and watch a murder mystery on TV and do some knitting. It is a lovely relaxing evening. I go to bed too early and wake up during the night and try to find the hall light switch.
I get up and shower, have breakfast and pack and drive to Dad's for a long-overdue visit. I get away early and so there is little traffic on the road back to Sydney. I buy fish and chips in the mountains, something I have looked forward to all weekend! I tidy a bit when I get home and call Andy. I start to wash the week's clothes and put them in the dryer. The house is a mess. Andy comes over for dinner and we watch TV with the cats on our laps. It is good to be home.
It's not so nice to be back at work. I work on finance and am interrupted constantly. Multi-tasking is the word for it I suppose. I enjoy leaving work and walking home in daylight. At home I get on with the chores. My visitor arrives and I feel smothered and stifled. I plan to walk the dog but don't as it is too late and dark. We nurse the cats and have some wine and that is all and I think about everything I should be doing. I am tired but when I go to bed I can't sleep.
I love Wednesdays. I have knitting at lunch time. I drive to the DVD shop after work and I knit in the car while I wait. We buy KFC on the drive home. Tonight I have a couple of beers as well. Nick has surprised me by washing the dishes I didn't have time to do this morning. I read some of my novel while I eat. I don't bother with TV. I go to bed early and do some number puzzles until I feel sleepy, which isn't very long. I have the best sleep in the world and dream.
I wake with the alarm and stay in bed for a while finishing a puzzle from last night. It is a bit cold in bed because we are having a cold snap. I have coffee and crumpets for breakfast and let the cat in to sleep on my bed. At lunch time I go shopping and buy a nice dress, some bike shorts and underwear, and a headset so I can have hands-free cordless phone at home. Last night I was using the phone and had another call waiting. I hate that. The call waiting can't leave a message.
Friday the ninth. I am in a down mood. I wonder if it is depression but how can I be sure? It is raining. I think too much. I have been told that before. I wish I could read more to give my brain something to think about so that I would not have to think of things that are disturbing; or rather that disturb me. My thoughts go around in circles. I am my own worst enemy. I know that. I have a good night at Andy's and find out we will have to get up early tomorrow morning.
I plan to leave early and find I am leaving earlier than I had planned. I don't mind but still I am feeling down. I go to bed for a while when I get home (classic sign of depression) and then do some housework. That is a good sign. I clean up the back area of red dust and it all looks fantastic. I thought I'd have the weekend to myself but I won't and I am not good with the change of plans. I go along with the change anyway. I watch The Deer Hunter. It is very good.
I am not happy with not having Sunday to myself and I am not sure why. Nothing makes me happy no matter what I try. I do more work and wait for Andy. I think it is because I feel why should I change my plans just because he is on release for the day. What finally makes me happy is him. I cheer up. He starts the whipper snipper I bought months and months ago. We walk the dog. I cook dinner. He goes home and everything is kind of in balance and I am happy. Off to bed.
I am still happy. I have a lot of worries about who I am and how people react to me. Today I laugh them all off. I hope it lasts. I don't know what is wrong so I can't say if it will or won't. Work is quiet and I catch up on some private stuff as well. I plan a holiday for next February/March. It makes me feel good that it is starting to take shape. I drink too much red wine after work but not enough to be hungover. I try my new telephone headset and knit.
I am still happy but not quite as happy as I was. I am not unhappy. I wonder if I am manic-depressive after all, but I think not. I arrange my backfill at work for my holiday next year. This is really planning in advance. I go clothes shopping at lunch time but come home empty handed. I book my hair cut for Sunday. I am compared to a mother by one of my crew members. I like that because that is what I feel I am to them. It is day two of the new Cityrail train timetable.
This morning I had sunk into the doldrums again but I have also had an epiphany and now I think I know why I am the way I am! It was amazing. I intended going to a lunch-time discussion on depression and anxiety but couldn't go because I was stuck at the desk. That could have been depressing! I looked up the websites and found out I am possibly suffering from it, but that was no surprise. I went for a walk instead and the light came on. It is a whole new way of thinking about my life.
I have a potentially scary day at work, but I am not scared. I also hear again that the owner of my house is thinking of selling. I am not worried about that either. Visitor's arrived last night wearing jumpers knitted by me. I love seeing them on. Tonight the famiy goes to dinner at a charming Thai restaurant and we have a lovely time. We sit up back at my place and talk some more. I repair a pull in the wool of a jumper. I skipped the grocery shopping but it was all too much for one day.
I wait for the real estate representative who has misfiled the appointment to come to the house to do a valuation. I go to work on a later train. I have a good day. I enjoy lunch at the pub and have two large beers because I think I deserve them. I go home early and go to bed for a while because I am so tired. Yesterday was exhausting. I can only sleep for an hour and then have to get up. I dress cosy because the weather has turned cold again and drive over to Andy's for dinner.
I go home relatively early and tidy up after the visitors, who left yesterday. I don't feel as tired as I usually do because I have been having such good sleeps since my religious experience. Deep sleep therapy. Andy comes over to walk Mellow and the real estate lady arrives shortly after to do the inspection. She seems very nice and is shocked by the mould on the bathroom ceiling. She says the place needs a lot of work, and she is certainly right. We walk Mellow and I cook dinner. We watch Taggart and I have another excellent sleep.
Andy leaves early and I drive to the station and take the train to the hairdressers for a new do and colour. I buy some summer clothes for work. Back home I park my car in the yard as all the street spaces are taken. One of the neighbours has died and carloads of friends and family arrive along with the police and a forensic van. I believe I know which person it is but don't know for sure. I walk Mellow and as we get home the undertakers are there picking up the body. The visitors gradually go home.
I wash my new hair cut because it was straightened and is too flat. I dress in new clothes for work and head off for week-two of the new train timetable. The train is packed with the new timetable and we can't sit together until we are almost there. One of the new pairs of pants has a small hole on the front of the leg and I am in two minds between mending and returning them. I have a good day at work, accomplishing much. I have too much wine in the evening and watch my favourite show.
I wake early but I slept well, and I go back to sleep until the alarm. I think of telling the real estate agent that if the owner can hold off selling for a year or two I might be interested in buying the house. I hear Nick in his shoes walking in the hall but when I ask he says he wasn't wearing any. I hear his bed creak when I walk past his door and he's out. I go in. There is no one there. I think of the neighbour who died, who once lived in our house.
I sleep well again, even with someone else. Perhaps better. I wear my last new top to work and go out to see a play after work. We have some drinks and dinner at a pub on the way. I mainly talk work and the odd things that happen. I really should stop that. The play is odd but interesting. I read while waiting for the train and dream of food in batter. I should have had the fish and chips for dinner. At home I get ready for bed and then wait to for Andy's phone to be free.
I think I am falling a little again. I am annoyed by being crowded and leaned on and kissed on the train. Now we are standing rather than sitting I have to fend him off with my bag. I arrive earlier to work with the new timetable which is a good thing. I have a sausage roll for lunch which makes me very tired and I cling on until a meeting but I am stood up. I then have more work I should do before I leave. It is very hard to leave early on Thursdays. It's a long day.
I cancel lunch today and am kept very busy at work until I plan to leave at about 2pm. I walk to the train to go home to pick up Nick. We drive to the RTA and he sits his learner driver knowledge test. We drive to a car park and put the Ls on the car, swap seats, and he drives for the first time. He finishes by driving along a street. I drive home and do some work and he walks the dog. I go to Andy's for dinner and I buy some white wine for a change.
I go home very early and get a lot of housework done, put away an enormous pile of clothes, and mow the grass. It has become too long, again. I plan to go back for an open house in Andy's street, but the house has been withdrawn. I look up Rent-a-chook but I am not sure it is for me. Andy joins me in the afternoon and we walk Mellow. Blackie has been sick for a few days but he is on the mend. We are both very tired and watch some TV and have an early night.
I plan my gardening before I get out of bed. I tidy the front garden with my new shears and sweep the verandah. I have a late breakfast and shower and the rain starts. I drive to Newtown and renew my Dendy membership, meet Joy and see Moon. We drive to Broadway and I swap the new pants I bought that have a hole in the leg. We meet Denise at the Broadway Cafe for bookclub. A man crosses the street with two goats, one on a lead and one without. I drive home and watch Wuthering Heights on TV.
I sleep well and have done for about a week. It has made a big difference to the way I feel. I want to stay in bed today though because it is cold and raining. Pieter has spent the night and it was nice having the cuddly little cat body purring against mine. I wear some new clothes and catch the train to work. I don't enjoy work today. I can't see the point of life, again. I deny a colleage a cabcharge to collect his car from service because the employer should not be expected to pay for that.
I think to myself it is impossible to be happy all the time and one should not expect to. A friend has just given me a book on mental health, maybe because I told her at lunch that life is pointless and we are marking time until we die. I understand that could sound a little insane. It is up to us to enjoy it or not, especially if we have jobs and roofs over our heads. Don't plan. Go with the flow and things work out. When things do not go according to plan it seems like bad luck.
I should have stayed in bed this morning. Everyone is rubbing me up the wrong way. It is almost time to go so I hope I don't spew at anyone before I leave. Last night I watched a program on an exhibition being prepared and I really enjoyed it. I do like being involved in art. I'd like to visit the gallery. There was birthday cake and I wasn't invited. How rude. I can't believe these people. We've had a casual working and how did they think she would be paid if I didn't do the paperwork. I hate it.
I have a better day today, as is often the case. I feel I have achieved things and made some progress. I have a discussion with someone who feels she does not belong here and I tell her I feel the same way. I tell her I wonder if it is my fault and if I can do more. I think so but it is so hard to change the person I am. I really must lose some weight. At least I can do that! If I really, really try. I go shopping tonight and it is tiring as usual.
It is my birthday. I am 46. It is strange having a birthday among people who donít like you. Some do like me, of course. I feel I am getting the reputation of being someone who tries to get out of work, and it is true! It started as delegating. Sometimes I feel I don't know much but other times I think I am good at this. It will soon be time to leave to meet Andy for birthday drinks and dinner at a surprise location. Just over an hour to go. Can't wait to get out of here...
This is the end. People are strange. Ha ha. Last night was lovely. We saw police stop traffic to ease a motorcade through the city. We went to the Marble Bar for a drink and to Centrepoint Tower for dinner. I got a lift home after breakfast, had a shower and a cup of tea and lunch and am now bumming around. I'll do some work tomorrow. Everything is fine. It is a sunny day with a light breeze and light cloud cover. It is quiet. Pearl Jam are playing on the radio in the kitchen. We are all home.
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