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I miss July, I write two days then give up the ghost. I have been reciting a new mantra - don't compare yourself to others. Be yourself. I am still in the same job, the same house, in the same relationship. I bought new clothes. I now do my home-office stuff at work, because I never get around to doing it at home. My boy's band has played a paid gig. He has finished studying, I am unsure if he will resume. I have yet to finish knitting my sister's cardigan but have been making steady progress. Things are OK.
Sunny Sunday at home working in the house and garden. Walking the dog by the river. Sitting with the cats on chairs in the back yard in the afternoon sun. Finding a recipe in the magazine and writing the ingredients on the shopping list for this week's shopping. Thinning out the umbrella tree to let light in. Making pizza for tea. Folding and ironing clothes and mending a top. Knitting and watching TV. Going to bed early but waking early and letting a cat in and going back to sleep and then not wanting to get up in the morning.
It's Monday. Are my clothes tighter since last week? It feels like it. A busy day with a walk at lunch time to meet a friend in the park. Watching crows, pigeons, magpies and ibis competing for food. The magpies and crows win. Slept in and was tired on the train and very tired on the park bench at lunch time. The day has gone quickly but I don't feel I have done much. There is a noisy atmosphere in the office today. The carpet was cleaned on the weekend and I also need to buy a new office fridge.
Listening in to other people's conversations. Interesting to discover relationships I didn't know existed, talking about goodness knows what. Sounds interesting but I have no context so can't tell what it is all about. I'm not eavesdropping, they are standing in the middle of the office conversing in loud voices. It's over. Some people have gone home and some will be here for a while yet. I am somewhere in the middle. I saw someone in a chicken costume in the foyer today, running away from the ATM. I went to have a closer look but the chicken had gone.
If you don't like who you are, why is it so hard to be like someone else? It doesn't work to be like someone else. You have to be yourself or you are an actor. Can you become a different person? You can change. Or can you? Can you bring out different parts of yourself? Who you are and who you become is based on who you have always been. Can you learn to like who you are while remaining the same? Does anyone genuinely like themselves? I have been told I think too much and that may be true.
Today I quarantined myself from work because I have a sore throat and runny nose. I managed to get out and do the grocery shopping. I have a slight headache too. The day is nearly over and I am a bit sad about it. I arranged the next book club and made some book lists in visual bookshelf on Facebook for the two book clubs. That was fun. It was sort of like resting. I had party pies for lunch! I love them, but they weren't as nice as usual, maybe a new supplier. That is probably a good thing.
I am still at work and it is 6.10pm on a Friday. I won't be in Monday or Tuesday and so have to tidy some things up before I go. I had a long lunch that I could have done without. What am I going to do. I can leave the place in reasonable shape and not come back to a mess. Any mess will occur while I am away and it won't be on top of exising mess, which is a very satisfying thing to know. Just a little more to do and then I am off home.
I had the thought there is no point planning for the future if you don't have one. That frees you up a bit and is quite a relief. Enjoy what you have rather than do without so you can also do without in the future. Simply: no future. Today I read a cartoon in the paper about a guy breaking into prison because they have a better retirement plan. Oddly enough I had the same thought today. Spooky. Although I thought you'd have to commit a crime to get in. Insane, whatever. There would be no responsibilities in that joint.
I had plans to go out today but I stayed home. I love lazy Sundays. I had to go out mid afternoon which kind of spoiled the day for staying out long, although I could have got around it if I wasn't so lazy. I stayed up until 3am or something last night watching the last 50 of the Hottest 100 on Rage. I got heaps of knitting done. I notice the neighbour has put round-up on my fence line again, along their fence, inside my yard. It makes me mad. It makes me really mad. What to do.
I had the day off work today to get two wisdom teeth out but I kind of went to pieces in the chair, shaking and tearing up and, well, crying. I am so phobic about pain these days. I still have the teeth. Now that the dentist can't do it and I have to go to a specialist she doesn't seem so adamant that it go ahead. I shouldn't be so cynical. I watch DVDs and knit all afternoon. The gum that took the anaesthetic hurts a lot, and my throat hurts when I swallow. After dinner I watch TV.
I stay home from work again, thinking they are not expecting me back until tomorrow anyway. Nick and I do some stuff and it is a good day. I am cooking a beef casserole with vegetables and having a glass of my favourite shiraz. I am a bit restless and want to go back to work tomorrow. I am so lazy I'll go nuts at home doing nothing another day. My gum and throat are still sore. I can see the puncture marks where the needles went in. Andy is coming over tonight. It is raining. The heaters are on.
Back to work. I tell myself it is good to have a job and earn money and all that, and that there are those who are not so lucky. It's not so bad. Can't wait to go home though. And I shortly will, as it is almost 5 o'clock. If I had to guess I'd probably think it was about 3. The boss is back. He talks over me so I let him. Whatever. I hate it when I talk over people and am trying to stop the habit. I bought lunch and want to go vego again so did.
I bought two new tops at lunch time and a kebab for lunch. The guy had trouble understanding my order for some reason. We had KFC for dinner too, very bad. That was after grocery shopping. Before that I returned DVDs. It was a full and long day. I should have cleaned up the house more for tomorrow's camera shoot but I didn't even do the dishes. I plan to do them in the morning instead. I pack the groceries away at least, which is more than I usually do! I don't like Thursdays because they end far too late.
I don't get up early enough to do the dishes. No surprise. I am picked up early to collect a truck. I have a camera crew in my house for a re-enactment. I do the pet-wrangling and spend most of the shoot out in the yard. The neighbours wonder what is going on. Ha ha, I don't tell them. I leave work late and go for a drink. I sms Andy I will be late. I end up having three drinks and getting a cab home after dropping the others in Newtown. I decline the invitation to dinner.
I have another fairly ordinary day today. I leave Andy's early and spend a lot of the day in bed with the cat. I feel hung over after only three beers and a couple of glasses of wine. I get up and make bacon and eggs for Nick and me then go back to bed. It is quite nice. I finally get up and shower and walk the dog and cook an early dinner. Andy comes over later and we spend a couple of hours doing nothing while his stomach rumbles. He wants to do something tomorrow but I decline.
It is a very warm day. I wear pigtails and short sleeves. While I walk the dog a man joins us with his dogs and asks me what I do, am I a housewife. No, I say. I work in television. Are there still such things as housewives? I think he just wanted to know if I were married. Do people still get married? Yep and yep I sigh. I pulled the phone out and turned the mobile to silent because I knew I'd get the same call during the fifth episode of a favourite TV program tonight; I did.
It's been a slow one. I would have loved to go out at lunch time to breathe some soft Spring air but decided to trade it for getting away early. If I can manage that I have under half an hour to go. I have a sore toe because I pulled a toe hangnail. I'm not looking forward to taking it home. I'll do some ironing tonight and watch some TV. I'll have a while in the morning to sort out the spare bed for my guest tomorrow night. I should not let the cat stay in tonight. It's sensible.
I sleep in and Peter picks me up for the trip to the Central coast for our uncle's funeral. We stop at a pub and have a surprisingly tasty lunch and a beer in the breeze of the open front. Five minutes away from the funeral which is a lovely service, if you'd call it that. Non-religious with Slim Dusty music and lovely personal tributes from children, brothers and grand children. Afters at aunties and drive back to the RSL for beers and dinner. Home and straight to bed with the cat. Didn't sleep very well (too many beers).
Back to work today and feeling a little tired. I perk up late in the afternoon when I get busy. I could stay and do more work but it is time to go. I eat a lot today and heat up some pies for dinner because I am on my own and too lazy to make anything. I have a very early night. Nick's been out since yesterday and he arrives home at 9.30 when I am already in bed. What time do you call this, I say, from bed where I already am. So good at the jokes.
I don't know what is going on but I am still tired today. I don't think I am eating properly. I am slow at getting going again today and there has been no afternoon second wind. I'd like to catch up tomorrow but I know I won't catch up much, if at all. Next week I might make some headway. I'll have to have a shorter lunch tomorrow. I am looking forward to shopping though, even though it will be a late night. I am feeling trapped in my body. It's hard to dress for the weather right now too.
I am still tired. Burning the candle at both ends, or something. I had a nice time at lunch today but I am finding it hard to find the joy. I feel outside of things somehow, a spectator rather than a participant. I don't know what is wrong. It is almost time to go home from work and I got a lot done, but not enough. I did some tidying up around the office. I am wearing summer shoes today and it feels good. I controlled my eating and drinking (only one beer at lunch, didn't eat all the chips).
I do the grocery shopping today because I didn't do it Thursday night, and as usual a change is as good as a holiday. It is another warm day. I walk the dog in the afternoon. We skip lunch and have hotdogs for dinner. I read in the bath and avoid the usual trick of getting the book wet but my glass of wine falls in instead. That's a new one! I finish reading my book and have a cup of tea while I choose a new book. I choose one I have read but can't remember a thing about.
I really enjoy the day although I can't sleep in as long as I'd like, although I get up because I am hungry not because I have to drive Nick to rehearsals. I have washing to do and I also do some gardening and fill the bin with branches. I think again about getting someone in to mow and do the edges. The fact that my neighbour has again poisoned the grass along his side, inside my fence, shits me. I should have said something long ago. That is a flaw I have. I don't speak up at the time.
I have something stuck in my teeth and will have to seek out a toothpick. I have had some red wine and chicken korma and rice. So much for vegetarianism. I didn't bother adding vegetables, only some coriander. I was very tired again today and wanted to go to bed early but I feel awake right now. More exhausted than tired. Worn out. Ah well, that's the red wine gone. Now for the washing up. Nick is diligently practicing the guitar, which is good as it is his chosen profession. My house was on the tele tonight. He didn't watch.
There has been a lot of swearing around the office today. A lot. Must be catching. Is it a full moon? Is there something in the air? In the water? I have been battling a headache today but it seems to have gone, the fact that it is missing has taken me quite by surprise. I am very tired and I need a decent sleep. I am going out tonight but at least I won't have to do so with headache. Unless it comes back. I got a lot of work done today but reached new lows of not caring.
Here I am waiting for pizza. It has taken over an hour which is very unusual. I should have cooked something. Grrr. I phone to check and the driver has left, otherwise I would start cooking now. We live very close to the shop and are usually first. The fool must be delivering the wrong way around. It's not right to get cold pizz - I hear a car now. I gave him a big tip and he was looking at the contents of my hallway (bike, guitar). I have never seen a pizza delivery guy do that before. What ever.
I buy a card for a colleague's birthday on the way in (22yo!) and also a birthday card with a picture of my cat Pieter, just to have it. We have cake in the afternoon for the two birthdays that are on today. The real estate agent calls to say the owner of my house is thinking of selling. I look at rentals online and satisfy myself I won't be homeless. I buy three pairs of shoes and get a discount because I bought so many. I buy two necklaces after haunting the shop on many occasions, unable to decide.
Today is a great day. I catch the train in to work with Andy as usual, and meet him for lunch later at the usual place. I wear a new pair of shoes and blister my feet. I go to the shop for a pair of thongs and change into them. Even my tortured feet don't bother me because I love Andy. I leave work early with Joy and we have a couple of drinks then see the new Tarantino movie. I catch a bus home and drive to Andy's where he has made a lovely pizza. I love him!
I go home around lunch time and buy the paper on the way. I do some tidying but plan to do most of it tomorrow. I wash a load of clothes. I read some of the paper. I drive Nick to band practice in the afternoon then walk the dog with Andy. I put some chicken in the oven and leave him to mind it (he says it shouldn't be left unattended) while I pick up Nick and some friends. Nick goes out again and Andy and I eat and have an early night. I am very, very tired - exhausted.
Andy leaves early and I get up and sort clothes to wash. I find a white tail spider in the dirty clothes basket and kill it. I don't let Pieter out quickly enough and he does a wee in the corner. The day gets better and I finish the washing, mow, vacuum and walk the dog. I assemble the whipper-snipper but can't get it started. I pull the weeds by hand because my shears are blunt. I am not tired today, although I feel I should be. I drink six beers during the day while I do the work.
Yesterday was the ex-boyfriend's birthday. I didn't give him a thought. He'll be 36. He planned to start a family at 35, I believe. I wonder how he went with that. I have a less than satisfying day at work. Aren't they all. I go home gratefully and limit the wine to two (not quite full) glasses. I overdid it a bit yesterday. I email Andy a little video I made last night on the mobile phone. It's sideways and upside down, which is a shame, but he likes it anyway. I'm off to bed with this 100 words.
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