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Above all, if I am going to write something every day, it has to be easy. In the movie Shaun of the Dead they kept saying “you’ve got red on you,” and I don’t know why, but today I had red on me. I went out for a family lunch, and my weekend visitors went home. This evening I drove to parts unknown, to go to an RSL to see a show with a bunch of people I didn’t know. I wished I had not agreed to such an uncomfortable evening, as I had sworn I would never do again!
I felt like a black hole of misery, when you ask yourself not “why am I here?” but “why am I still hanging around”. It was the old Mondayitis for sure. No real reason for it and it will no doubt be gone tomorrow. The recurrent nature of life at times like a typical Monday can be too hard to face for yet another day. What is the point to this existence, and all that. Why is it that I do the first word count at three quarters through, and it is hard to write the rest? Happens a lot.
Tuesdays are always better than Mondays and it annoys me as I know there is really no difference and it is all in my mind. I am catching up with this entry and I can’t remember what happened today. I’d say the usual. Each day is over very quickly and then the week is also over very quickly, and also the months and the years. Life is going faster than ever at the moment. I am tired. I am sleeping better, but I am tired. The weather is hot and humid every day, and those are not my favourite conditions.
I was half asleep at about a quarter past five, walking down the street in the dark, with the dog lead extended. The dog saw a cat and chased it under a parked car and onto the road. A passing car hit the cat with a loud thump. If it wasn’t for the parked car the dog could have also ran into the path of the car. The driver of the car stopped and walked over, but the cat ran off so we all went on our way, but I doubt it was alright. I have long dreaded this happening.
I can’t read the way I am trying to now, in quick snatches on public transport. It is impossible to keep any kind of continuity and to remember who the characters are. It is also a pain to lug a heavy book around everywhere on the offchance I’ll have the chance to read a couple of pages. I think I’ll need to dedicate some time to reading on the weekend… or something… maybe before I go to sleep too. I’ve started a new book and I’m enjoyed the first bit that I read in one go. The guy can write.
Today I sleep in and forgo walking the dog, because I have nominated Friday as my day off. I don’t have enough time to get ready, as usual, because I think I have more time and therefore dawdle. I still make the train but don’t have time to eat breakfast. I remember to take the picnic blanket for lunch time. We sit under a tree but the shade is sparse and we get a little sunburned. Work keeps me back and I get home quite late and quickly change to go out. We eat late and will sleep late tomorrow.
I wake up feeling deceptively cool although I know a furnace is stoking up outside. The usual magpies warble and a flock of rosellas crowd the closest tree. I go home earlier than usual to go out again and buy a bike. I phone the shop to ask when they close and am told, “come in, love, I’ll look after ya”. “Will do,” I say. The teen and I go in and buy a blue Mongoose. The man says “thanks for coming in, love.” “Thanks for… being here,” I say. We stow the bike in the car and drive home.
The lights are blacked out along Enmore Road to Wilson Street and there is nowhere to park at the top end of King. I drive around the block, park on Carillon Avenue and walk up a narrow street to Chamption Textiles where I buy a 4.5mm crochet hook. I don’t change my glasses and have a hard time finding one in my prescription sunglasses. My heart seems to be doing strange things. I think it is due to the heat but I wonder if I am about to have a heart attack. Back at the car my hands are shaking.
I woke to find I couldn’t be arsed getting up to take the dog out. I’d taken him for a walk late yesterday so felt I could afford to give it a break. I got up and drove out for my usual morning visit and then home to zombie into the shower and into my clothes and to the walk to the train. I recognise my chest discomfort as the stress-related muscular problems I have had before, and wonder what is stressing me out this time. At work I make flight and accommodation bookings and don’t stop until about 4pm.
I took the 426 bus to the bookbinding course feeling dog tired. I bought a fish burger for some reason. Even though I wasn’t particularly in the mood for food, I knew I’d be hungry later if I didn’t. Halfway through the evening I had a stress attack, comprised of waves of internal shivering. That kept up until I left and began actual shivering at the bus stop as it has become so cold. There was a death at work today and another colleague in casualty, taken ill. I couldn't think too much about it all until on the 426.
The drama of yesterday has largely ebbed away, replaced by the usual dramas of work, when you work in news. I had no stress attacks and by the end of the day I felt almost back to normal. I had been afraid to think of certain things for fear of bringing on an attack but I can now let my mind wander wherever it likes without worrying about that. My top right wisdom tooth is impacted and today started to hurt. I found my decorative papers in a box under the bed and I thought I had thrown them away.
I walked toward the bus stop. A young man walking the other way thought we were competing for the same seat and offered it to me; that is very unusual these days. As I walked to the door of the bus I bumped into a woman and turned to apologise. She smilingly said sorry at the same time. At the next bus stop a man sitting on the seat, surrounded by bags, said to me “426”, indicating the bus. I said “yes?” and then realised he was telling me because I was reading and he thought I’d not noticed. Sweet!
I went to work with a plan to address the situation before it was taken out of my hands. The morning went quickly and I caught the bus to the city for lunch, meeting my love at the QVB and going to a bar to eat and a café for coffee. It was very romantic and very relaxing. I caught another bus back to work at 3pm where I was one of the few remaining. I worked until 6pm and then caught the train home where I left the boy preparing for his party and went out for the night.
I returned home earlier than usual. The boy and I had to go back to the RTA to get another proof of age card as they had got the birth month wrong the first time. I also bought a cake and some more party things so it was not too irritating. I am surprised a mistake can be made so easily with that sort of thing. He went to a BBQ while I finished preparing for the party. I finished reading a book while the party was on, before I went to sleep with earplugs; an apocalyptic novel – quite unsettling.
The party was a success, I think. I could hear young people enjoying themselves until 5am when those remaining left. The funny thing is how tired the dog is today, as he was at the party until stumps as well. I slept easily with the earplugs in and hoped I’d hear the police if they came. The music and talking was very loud but I don’t know how loud it was for the neighbours, nor did I care. It has been raining for days and will be for days to come, which is exactly what happened all through the novel.
No Mondayitis today. I got home from work and saw a toilet roll lying on the ground. I put my head out the door to see if the pack was in its spot in the loo but there was nothing there but empty space. They had been strewn about in the wet grass in the yard, the wrapping torn to shreds. I fed the culprit and the cats and asked the boy why there is always something like this to deal with when I get home. I put them in the oven in batches to dry out. Darn that dog.
I ended the day feeling very tired and melancholy indeed. I took the bus to the second book-binding class. I was there early this time and bought a meat pie for dinner and ate it in the street before going in. I was so tired I had to sit down during the demos and had a lot of trouble concentrating. I had also forgotten to bring any equipment but it doesn’t really matter. There is a class set of everything. I woke up very early this morning but didn’t walk the dog. I will tomorrow, unless it is raining.
I have no trouble functioning at work for some reason in spite of the tiredness. I was able to leave work early to go to the doctor’s. I didn’t have to wait long to get in which was good, as I had brought nothing to read, but then again I didn’t have the energy to do anything but slump in the chair with slack jaw. I have an iron deficiency again (no surprise) and low blood pressure. I just knew I was a step away from a coma. That is the real reason behind my calm demeanour in a crisis.
I woke up feeling a bit ordinary, as I expected to after having quite a few drinks last night. An impromptu guest and wine. I think it helped me relax and let go some of the anxiety – I have had anxiety attacks! According to the doctor anxiety was behind my feeling funny recently, in league with low blood pressure, and that can be brought on by heat. Wow. I am looking forward to having some energy again and think how awful it would be to feel like this all the time. I arranged my holiday leave, three weeks in March.
I got off to a good start by walking the dog. I was a bit late for the train and my friend bought my ticket. The mob from work went out for lunch, but I took the bus into the city with the picnic blanket and met my friend at the QVB, as usual. The weather was perfect and the sun beautiful. I spent the afternoon at work, the last two hours practically on my own, my favourite part of the week. I bought a packet of chips, like I used to do every Friday afternoon; then ratatouie for dinner.
A rainy grey day, good for staying in bed. I love a Saturday when I have nothing to do. Some more food would be good. I’ll take some next time! And maybe a book to read if I have the need of it. At home I have a long bath listening to depressing songs by The Smiths (I love them). I feel like fish and chips and instead of going out and buying some I make my own chips which aren’t the same. I then heat and devour all the leftover bits in the freezer as though I am starving.
Today is just the kind of Sunday I like with nowhere to go and nothing to do. I make a list of all I want to do and do just over half of it. On the walk with the dog I see a red-whiskered bulbul leading a grey butcherbird on a chase, and I see two royal spoonbills searching for food in the water. I put clean sheets on the bed and think there is nothing nicer. I finish knitting the sleeves of a jumper and then finish sewing up another one. I take a call from my darling.
I walk the dog in the dark and see a dead cat by the side of the road. I think for a moment it is Blackie, but I remember I have seen him at home. It can’t be. When I get back home I see a man with a wheelbarrow and a shovel picking up the cat. It is Oscars day and it seems everyone at work is watching it. Let’s party on. I am planning a holiday and spend the evening looking at accommodation. Nick and his mate get together to work on a set list for their band.
I have lunch with a friend from out of town. I had lunch with her yesterday too. I talk about eating my packed lunch for dinner instead, because we are eating out, and she thinks I am doing it to save money. I don’t bother explaining that it is so I don’t waste the food… or because I don’t like to eat out twice in one day. I think I shouldn’t have mentioned it, as who cares? I go to bookbinding and I am not too tired for once. I even take the correct equipment, including a hammer and apron.
I go to Andy’s place for breakfast which is very lovely indeed. I take the bus to work for a change and get in quite late. I don’t have time for a lunch break, and decide I have no choice but to skip knitting. I go out instead for a box of tampons because I am caught out. I need to eat healthier food. I didn’t have time to toast my lunch sandwich yesterday so bought an apple pie. The girl asked if I want cream, and I say “no, I have to eat it really fast”. Otherwise I would.
I wake during the night and don’t get much sleep. It could be that time of the month, or something else, I don’t know. I decide to stay home from work and feel pretty crumby all day. A man came and mowed the lawn and did the edges. It was expensive, but worth it. I am having thoughts of doing more physical activities just like I used to! The yard is looking so good I am inspired to keep it that way. I realise my mobile phone has been out of action for a day and I have nine messages.
I wake again during the night but feel fine in the morning. I take the train in to work with Andy and spend the morning catching up on emails from yesterday before meeting him for lunch. I talk to the woman who may do my job when I am on holidays. It is too busy to get my usual Friday catching up done. I have packed healthy food for the day. No chips. I also sit with Andy on the train going home because I am late leaving. He cooks pizza for dinner and I bring the bottle of red.
I have booked my holiday accommodation, and laugh at the jokes from work that I really need a holiday, as I am booking fictional places that I found on Enid Blyton dot com. I don’t have anything to do today but enjoy lazing around at the bf’s place. I take some food for lunch so I don’t starve; and a book. I go back to my place and buzz around tidying up until he comes over and we take the dog for a walk. He goes home and I cook sausages for dinner, have a shower and go to bed.
The Tip Jar