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08/01 Direct Link
Diana Tells the Bear Story

But it wasn't Vicodine it was some other drug and anyway I didn't take it, I'm tough like that

Cindy laughed, Diana started again
Five and one half year olds do not appreciate backstory

I do

These sidewalks are so clean and neat
and pretty
Open inviting lawns high efficiency vehicles
I see all that I love all that I could have been
The impulse houses I would have bought possessed settled into. Squat ugly things that she nudged me past, I miss them. I miss the me that I left on their porches
08/02 Direct Link
It's one for the treble two for the house I used to live in

park around back enter through the side we will be barbecuing all day
Bring some beer

you always bring some beer

the dog had dislocated its hip she was on Vicodine well I mean doggie Vicodine
and that is why
she did not
bark
at the

bear

which may have saved our lives that and the fact that I wasn't on drugs
Cindy laughed
Diana started again
This is not a shaggy dog story it is the bear story, there is a dog in it
08/03 Direct Link
really really annoyingly selfish sex
I can live with that or pretty much anything if need be

The lightwell
The concept of a lightwell
all of us in boxes
lights on
lights off

Down 1 floor window to the left or across the lightwell
drinking tea not drinking tea talking on the phone all long sleeve shirts and manic panic cellophane a furtive imagination an embarrassment that becomes comfortable
my god has many names
my god has many faces
my god is everywhere

these boxes envelop us

confuse us

we are unseperate
I can live with that
08/04 Direct Link
lupine
My kitchen is not in my bedroom but it is close my living room is my dining room is in my kitchen the bathroom is all by itself.
Like myself the way I like it. Three door locks badesque neighborhood good food neighbors who know how to leave you alone.

supine
living alone makes you lazy smelly tired
smoking when you want sleeping when you want which is all the time my lifestyle is hampered by work

ursine
leftover pizza and burritos do not need to be refrigerated
I will mate this winter and then I will sleep
08/05 Direct Link
I am not laughing out loud
I am either strapped to a dying animal or I am the dying aniamal and I am no longer sure which one I am hoping for
the difference between us and animals, not so much suits shoes big screen tvs we still eat out of garbage cans most nights
try to treasure each cigarette each whiskey each blow job life is a series of animal pleasures interrupted by politeness and shit

this was supposed to be all dialog too much exposition really facile philosophy
hi my name is Mitch how are you doing?
08/06 Direct Link
and then she called me monsieur
yeah, I know seems like trouble
no, I wasn't calling her a bitch she was telling me that she was called that by other people
because of my name, because I spelled it out
well I mean if it was like 25 bucks a room or something close I could totally be into it
nah the wife is cool
look you have got to take some time apart or you will you know fall apart
I am a freaking philosopher
No
oh man you wish
look man I am telling you
I motherfucking am
08/07 Direct Link
Make yourself big to ward off predators
One of the most important things I have learned from brochures found lying about mass transit systems
You can learn things in unexpected places "Don't eat stuff off the sidewalk" that is the title of a song and a life lesson
I find shit everywhere, not all of it means something take Jack Chick that dude totally wants to convey a message and all I ever got from his work
Pathos?
Desperation?
the secret is to try to not mean something
maybe if you know where you are going you will never get there
08/08 Direct Link
One angry little dog trapped in a bag

A red car with flames on the side might just be fast enough to get you up and over the mountain, out of here with enough time left
Hotel rooms are filled with an intoxicating anonymity no cooking no cleaning four or five layers of blankets and comforters three pillows (another in the closet) TV right there in full view of the bed
get a cheeseburger downstairs (room service is a fucking ripoff)and sit on the bed eating watching game shows smoking willing yourself to transform into something much more badass
08/09 Direct Link
I don't know if we can do this
why?
because I make it a rule, you know things can just get messed up

She was right things can get messed real messed up but you know what is the real point in protecting things? Hell I say let your things out let your things have some fun. If you spend all your life protecting your things well you know what will happen. You will die, just like the rest of us and your things well they wont even miss you

goddamn things always doing nothing or being messed up
08/10 Direct Link
staring at the screen
Sitting in the dark a place where we can be close but we are forbidden to sleep
An air conditioned Valhalla this is the way I should interact with the whole human race together but separate sharing a common experience in a personal way this is the human condition in its most raw form and I love love love it
Nachos popcorn hot dogs giant buckets of soda. The previews are usually good, it could be so sweet Christ, I beseech you undead zombie child of the great sky father could you just make everyone shut the fuck up
08/11 Direct Link
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck me
08/12 Direct Link
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck me
08/13 Direct Link
In Spain there is a castle that sits high atop a cliff it has been decaying, abandoned for years. If you and I were to walk through that land on some Mediterranean day perhaps we could make that castle our home. We could make the throne room our bedroom, nights I would spend drinking and writing in the dungeon, history bearing down upon my head. We would wake almost bursting with the grandeur of our lives

Perhaps someday but for know we will be contented by grapes and lite beer spread out on the green and verdant hills of luscious America
08/14 Direct Link
Someday you will thank me for all this creepy love
Someday you will thank me for always wanting to fuck you
Someday you will thank me for my cautious nature
Someday you will thank me for the way I mutter insults under my breath
Someday you will thank me for my paranoid anti-social behavior
Someday you will thank me for my availability
Someday you will thank me for my wounded insolence
Someday you will thank me for my dashing good looks
Someday you will thank me for all of this ugly mess
Someday you will thank me
Or maybe not
08/15 Direct Link
Halfway through the movie I realized I had seen it before except it stared Uma Thurman and that kid who was on Silver Spoons
Back then you could smoke in the theater if you paid a dollar extra. I did. I sat there with Carol and we smoked. She held my hand so tight that she left marks on my palms (maybe it was a scary movie)we didn't fuck after that movie so it probably wasn't a comedy. We would fuck later that fall filled with ennui from too many cigarettes and James Joyce
they don't make any good movies anymore
08/16 Direct Link
Obscure Hemingway Reference

The sun was rising over Dollar Mountain but I was thousands of miles away young and impotent

Not So Obscure Hemingway Reference

Fuck you papa
Fuck your endlessly romantic drug addiction and mental illness
Fuck your iconographic machismo
I have a house in the suburbs , a kid , two dogs, I love my beautiful wife and I can not keep up
Fuck Paris
Fuck Cuba
Fuck Key West
In the end it is about the things we are not the things we are not. Life is the shit we do not plan or desire or dream
08/17 Direct Link
Damn what happened to my entry for the 11th?

I will shift the car when I am godamned ready to shift the car
Okay, okay your the man
damn right
It's just that you are all controlly and we are about to get on a freeway and we are going 40 in first gear
See there you go again
Hey I'm just pointing facts
Thanks, very helpful
Look the sun is shining the earth is round your clutch is on fire
Damn man shut the fuck up and get off my damn back
Okay just drive, just drive and enjoy
08/18 Direct Link
Going down the road feeling bad
The slick concrete trips me up pre dawn gas stations coffee shops car seats littered with ho ho wrappers cigarette ashes
Damn this should feel good but it feels like a ghost suit I walk in dead mans shoes and they ache, slightly
The sun is shining as I drop into Blue Canyon in three months snow will blanket the entire landscape and everyone will be able to marvel at its beauty. But in the fall you have to look close , you to love potential
and I have never loved any thing else
08/19 Direct Link
I do not mind staring out the window, silence does not bother me. Mostly I am busy in my head thinking working through shit. I am happy just to sit here and look at these trees and cars; the houses of others so familiar and foreign.
The fact that I'm not talking is not because you're dull or that I am dull it is just that words should be used wisely and silence is its own eloquence
So, maybe I have nothing to say and perhaps I am justifying it all to hell. But it is for the right reasons
08/20 Direct Link
Big big stuff is afoot we must be on the look out we must keep our eyes peeled there is much trouble brewing
Do not go outside do not look outside do you know who your buddy is? Grab your buddy's hand. Grab his goddamned hand
Things are speeding / up here closer to the end it makes perfect sense
It is fucking hot they do not make an SPF high enough for this, like the surface of the fucking sun
guns, guns motherfucking guns everyone has a gun we are all going to die and I have done nothing
08/21 Direct Link
these clothes are no longer dirty they should have been put away
The ottoman cover,however, is quite dirty and should be washed
I will allow my sleeping dog to lie because when he is awake he will terrorize my house
Oh, so that is what they mean
And so I will let all the sleeping dogs lie, and I will began my life in peace. Undisturbed like a stream gentle and deep
Theses are the dreams and we are the dreamers yada yada
Pretty lies and ugly truths
This laundry is clean but it will not be forever
08/22 Direct Link
With their guns and their bombs and their bombs and their guns

Red cars shining in the sunrise my headlights are bright and powerful and you know potent. I am running over this landscape paved unpaved, I do not give a fuck. With enough coffee and enough confidence I will make it through this day of reckoning.

Zombie, Zombie, Zombie

It is an analogy (somehow) (I knew I would work my way up to parenthetical statements). Somehow it is about stereotypes and the fact that they don't work. All this individuality is driving me mad.
my individuation is madifying me
08/23 Direct Link
So many things I don't want to do, so many people I don't want to meet

There was a time when it was all about bars and crappy apartments and really good cheap food. No one ever felt fat or old. I mean I felt sick and unlovable and unreedemable but I didn't feel fat and I didn't care about power foods or cardio or responsibility so it was a trade off
domestic bliss can be so full of mundane responsibility that it makes you a part of its mundanity

The march toward death is exhilarating when you are young.
08/24 Direct Link
Right now he is calming down

Right now he is thinking about running riding jumping hitting the road
Right now he is eating a bacon cheeseburger
Right now he is constructing a prison
Right now he is measuring out whey protein powder choosing just the plumpest blueberries
Right now he is rolling a joint in the bathroom, he is really rolling a real good joint
Right now he is angry with god
Right now he is learning to surf
Right now he has missed his exit
Right now he is annoyed

Right now he is becoming a prison
08/25 Direct Link
With the end of the day my weariness grows into a crushing weight
Well now that's cheery
It is not meant to be happy
I know, but why would I want to read it
You only read happy things?
No, but I don't want to read about some middle aged white dude's weariness. I mean we are all weary or but who cares. You may as well write "with each grunt poop pushed a little bit father out my anus" We all do that but no one wan'ts to read about it
You really grunt?
Point, missing, you
08/26 Direct Link
In your bed I live my life, I count sheep black and white

I never woke up to the sound of gunfire so I guess I never lived in the ghetto. I have woken up to the sound of a vacuum , which sucks. I had a girlfriend who used to pretend to fall asleep and then she would get up and snort more crystal. That's ghetto, right? I'm a mother fucking white boy with all kinds of street cred
Damn I like to sleep, I don't care if it's not tough or cool I just love beds and sleeping and holding the ladies
08/27 Direct Link
Your greatest asset is your mind

I smoked one more cigarette and thought of you in that green dress. I am middle aged, I am white , I am mostly dull, but I am lucky. I may not have made the most of all my assets so far but I have rode my luck oh have I rode it.

Ice cubes provide all the water bourbon needs

Scotch on the other had needs just a tiny drip of pure water to open up its flavor. You have got to know the difference between your brown liquors

That is key
08/28 Direct Link
It is a slow slough up the mountain
at first there is excitement the thrill of leaving behind the normal the mundane the rock of a world that sustains and supports us but that we disdain because we feel unworthy of love. So there is that
But after a while the air conditioning gets old the french fries get stale and the seat aches. How tall is this damn mountain when can we ever get out of this car. So there is that
But the summit , the beauty the breathtaking affirmation we are this good. There is that
08/29 Direct Link
But the thing is that you are unclear on the concept
Granted, but I don't see how that could possibly matter
Well it does matter
You make a compelling argument
Look sometimes in this life you just have to have a little faith
Faith?
Yes
And this is one of those times?
Might as well be
Why?
Because I am tired of fucking explaining shit to your dumb ass
I'm tired
Who isn't, I was up at 5:30 today
I know but I don't know it is just that now that I am 40 I am tired all the time
Yeah
Yeah
08/30 Direct Link
In the discotheque of my discontent I dance alone to David Bowie songs. When you pull your lyrics out of a hat you destroy sentimentality
In the dance hall of my destruction I hail Tristan Tzara. I find meaning in the meaningless. I spin and spin and spin until I finally disconnect. A fate I have been slouching toward my whole life.
In the roller rink of my redemption I am no longer responsible for my beast self. I see things for what they are
potentiality is ground to dust. I dance the dance of the end of the world
08/31 Direct Link
The Month In Review

I am old and white and dull mostly. I still need some bizarre brand of romance in my life

I think about houses a lot this probabably means something although I am not sure security nostalgia something. Bears live in dens.

Diana is going to tell the bear story
it will start wrong she will begin again
The meat of the thing is that we are the bear but we are also not bear
Until bear and not bear can be reconciled we will always live in doubt