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I had a deep concern about dating my ex-boyfriend. Some part deep inside of me knew that he wasn't right, and that he would mess me up. But I did not listen to that part of me, even though it was practically screaming to be heard. I dated him anyway, despite the fear and anxiety I felt about it. I thought we would end up happy, but we didn't. The whole thing ended in my heartbreak and his hating of me. Even today, we do not speak. If I had listened to my inner voice, we would be friends.
Lots of promises haven't been kept throughout the years; promises made by me and promises made to me. I've forgiven those who've wronged me, and I hope they've forgiven me in return. We're only human, after all, and often go back on promises. As they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. That's another of my new favorite quotes. The gravity of a promise depends on who makes the promise to whom. If a promise's made by a politician, not much stock's put into it, but if it's a promise between two lovers, it's taken more seriously.
The only car accident I was in wasn't that severe (thank God) and I got out with nothing more than a court date that was waived by a lawyer. I hope I'm never in a severe accident, and if I am, I hope it's not my fault. Car accidents are caused by drunk drivers and people who are distracted or are just not paying any attention. That's why I think laws against cell phones in cars should be enforced better. Your attention is not focused on driving when you're talking on a cell phone. Cell phones make me angry, period.
Being sideswiped is when someone hits the side of your car, creating a loud screech of metal and many damages to be repaired. You can be sideswiped in real life, without the physical damage, but with emotional or mental damage. It's when something you don't expect comes upon you too fast and changes your life forever. You can be sideswiped by your own decisions, or by relationships you get into, or certain other disagreeable situations. I don't think I've ever had that problem, but it might have something to do with my own decisions causing my accidents, not anyone else's.
You don't know what the driver will do, especially being a passenger in a speeding car. You had better mentally prepare yourself for it, as the driver is speeding. I always prepare myself for the worst that could happen when I'm in the car with someone I've never ridden with before. I don't know what kind of driver they are, so I prepare for them speeding or a possible crash. I always try to envision a worst-case scenario. Being in that sort of situation is unpredictable, but by envisioning the worst, you can add extra relief when it's over.
Justin just sent me a bulletin about nice guys and how they are a dying breed. I know they are. Men are supposed to be so macho these days, and it really sucks! Most of the time, a girl just wants a guy to hold her and keep her safe... not to force sex on her or intimidate her into doing something. I hate guys like that; and I've known a few. I wish all guys were like the nice ones in the fairy tales, but there will always be assholes in this world; to counterbalance the numbers of sluts.
Seduction is incredibly fun, especially if the guy's hands are tied behind his back when the girl teases him... at least that's my idea of fun. If you're trying really hard not to be pursued, seduction can be onerous and feel more like stalking. Some sickos think that's what it's all about, but I think seduction is basically teasing the one you love. When it's done right, it's satisfying for both the seductress and the seductee. I knew that wasn't a word, but it made sense. I love seducing the one I love, but only in the exactly right setting.
Everyone is unique and special; we all have different ways of showing it. That's the cliche. I really think all people are essentially the same; we have the same feelings, the same reactions to the feelings... it's just how I feel about people now. I know we automatically put people in categories when we first see them; that's human nature. Human nature is something we should really try to work against. That's basically what we need to do to see the good in everyone. Work against human nature and our special qualities will come out and be revealed in time.
What went wrong with me is that I have too many tragic flaws to figure out at one time. I know I sound like a whiner, but this is seriously getting on my last nerve. I have shyness, jealousy, and some sort of insecurity. I know they all stem from one big monster; fear. I hate fear with all my heart and soul because it breeds other problems. In the wise words of Yoda, fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, and hate leads to suffering. I don't want my fear to lead to anger; it won't kill me.
It's silly, but I still want the approval of my boyfriend's parents. I know they already approve of me; they've told me to my face; but I think what I really want is for my boyfriend to appreciate that approval. I wish he would want the approval of my parents, but he'll really have to turn around 180 degrees for them to believe he'll be a good husband for me. I want everyone's approval, especially the approval of adults and teachers. I want my boyfriend's little girlfriends to approve of me, so they realize I am better than them. Muahah!
I get bored with Lea often; talking on the phone with her is monotonous and one-sided. She never listens to what the person listening to her has to say. She'll ask your opinion and when you give it, she just acts like you never said anything. Then why the hell did you ask for my opinion? She thinks she's always right, and it just gets me annoyed and bored. I sometimes wish I had the guts to tell her she's boring and self-centered and she's with the wrong guy. He's 26 and she's 17... there's something wrong there.
Sounds like my next topic to write about... the older guy hanging around the high school. That could turn into a good story, but it's sort of already part of Restless... when Pico and Pablo hang around the high school after they've graduated. It could spell all sorts of problems for the younger girls at Polk; at least the ones who are attracted to older guys. Pico would defend Pablo with her life on the outside, but not care what he does on the inside. I think Pico would be too proud to give Pablo up to a younger girl.
There are bad boys because of the same reason there are good boys. To add variety to life and to make us try and understand different types of people. There are not only just bad boys and good boys; there are good boys who try to be bad and vice versa. I think there are bad boys to give girls a hard time about deciding who they should be with. Bad boys test us and tempt us, and eventually teach us lessons about what we should really be doing in life. They may be lovable, but they aren't really right.
[Hypothetical] I was warned about many things... but I stupidly did not listen to the warnings. I prefer to learn by my own experiences and not what anyone tells me. I was warned before I dated him, I was warned before I wrote this note to you. I don't know why, but I will surely suffer for my inability to listen. However, I do not care. Suffering is sweet, and nothing lasts forever. Not even the aftershocks of those warnings have the power to faze me. I will remain forever headstrong, not even heeding the warnings of my own death.
My pet (my newest pet) is a kitten named Gus. He's not even six months old yet, and so far he's great. I only got him four days ago, and he's awesome. He knows how to use the litter box already, and so far training him not to jump on the table is going good. He's got mackerel patterns, with grey, black and white. His eyes are green and sort of yellow... I think cats have prettier eyes than dogs. Gus is living in my room for the time being and I hope that he can continue to live there.
A horse's nose is something I rarely get the feel of.. it would be cool and wet and inquisitive. I imagine a horse's nose being filled with wisdom, love, and patience. A horse uses his nose to explore his world and to gently nuzzle his trainer, rider, and groomer. I generally think of horses as patient, gentle creatures, but only if you treat them right. Like people, each horse's nose is different, because each horse has been through different periods in their lives. One horse's nose may have scars and the nose of another horse might have another identifying mark.
Horses and all animals are wiser than people to some extent. I think it's because animals know when to shut up. People are always talking and talking and animals don't really make sounds that much. Certain animals do, but not horses. In general, they are quieter than people. I don't like how people are always running their mouths and the addiction to cell phones has only made it worse. Now you can babble aimlessly wherever you go. I have nothing against humans, after all, I am one. I just feel like starting a vendetta against the human race right now.
I've heard stories about dogs saving the lives of people all the time. Why do they do it? Is it instinct or because they feel loyalty toward the person they are saving? Does it mean the dog happens to be more intelligent than most animals? It's a mystery that can only be explained by God. The dog saved her life because it felt her pain through its sixth sense and it ran out into the churning waters to carry her safe to the shore on its back. Although the dog was a stray, nobody understood why it risked its life.
According to Jesus, even the gravest sin is never unforgivable. But we are not as perfect as Jesus, being that we're only human after all. Certain sins against us can be unforgivable, such as murder, rape, suicide, infidelity... there are many more. Jesus forgives even the unforgivable, and encourages us to do the same. For me, the most unforgivable thing would be if someone betrayed my trust. I don't trust anyone easily, even those I love, so a breach in trust would be difficult for me to completely forgive and forget about. I would pray for strength to eventually forgive.
My anger is fundamentally my shyness and my fear. You all know that in the great words of Yoda, fear leads to anger, etc. My anger is also strongly related to jealousy and the lousy emotion that it is. I don't think I'm as jealous now as I was before, so that piece of anger is at least in a state of hibernation, for the time being. My anger is stupid because I'm often angry and I don't have even five percent of everyone else's unhappiness in this world. I feel like a whining, spoiled brat when my anger strikes.
I need to forgive Alie, although she hasn't done anything to me. I need to forgive myself before I start forgiving anyone else though. I have blamed a lot of things on myself, and on my parents, so they need to be forgiven as well. I need to be forgiven by God and by the priest. I have never confessed all of my sins when I went to confession. I have never said them all, mostly out of shame. And shyness. I need to forgive myself for being shy. I have to realize that I will eventually get over it.
Jealousy is something I'm getting over. I don't think I'm as jealous as I was in the past because I'm trying not to let what I call the "instant gratification emotions" get the best of me. Jealousy makes you act fast and say or do things you will regret later. I was the victim of jealousy for quite awhile, but I learned how to counteract it... to some degree. I'm still working on it, and I'm still praying for patience. There is way more than one hundred words I could say on jealousy, but I'm almost out of room here.
If I could do it over again, I'd redo high school, even though I just graduated in 2006. I'd probably take more honors classes. The main reason I didn't was because when I was in honors classes, I hated the students who were in the class with me. They were condescending, but if I could do the thing over, I'd ignore them and be my own person. I was trying too hard to be too many other people in high school. I guess that was my greatest downfall, especially in my freshman year. High school is important for the future.
I went wrong in a lot of things, but I don't think about them often, so I really cannot name a specific time where I went wrong. I go the wrong way on the road sometimes, and I get ditzy and tend to forget important things. My shyness and the dying jealousy help me go wrong... they hate me. When I go wrong I feel guilty, which is foolish because, to quote Hannah Montana, “Everybody makes mistakes; everybody has those days.” I think I need to forgive myself for going wrong, because after all, there are no perfect people here.
It was two days ago that I held my tears. I tried to put on a “Confessor's face” and keep calm. The “Confessor's face” is something from the Sword of Truth series by Terry Goodkind. Holding back your emotions, not just sadness, is one of the hardest things to do if you have not been trained to do it. Girls have a harder time hiding their emotions than guys, because guys were always taught to hold their emotions in, because it's not “manly” to cry. That is a misconception. Holding tears only makes you more miserable, so let them out.
I'd forgive her, but she is impossible to forgive. It's the way her green eyes look at me, so balefully over her mug of coffee... she knows what she does to me, and I could never ever forgive her for that. I could never give her the sweet satisfaction of forgiveness when I know she will only hurt me again. It's like she's waiting for me. She's waiting for me to screw up again, so she can laugh at me. Even when she makes the same mistake, she still laughs at me. The green-eyed girl is a lying hypocrite.
Confession is a sacrament in the Roman Catholic church. It's also known as reconciliation. It means to feel completely sorry for your sins and to have a priest completely absolve you from them. After confession, you start in a whole new frame of mind, totally purged of all your old sins. I have to say that confession is not one of my favorite sacraments (it's uncomfortable letting a priest know all your sins), but it makes one feel a whole lot better after it's done. Even if you aren't a Catholic, confession can still help you renew your spiritual slate.
If I could say a prayer in school, it would be to pray for those who have no hope of doing well in school. Essentially, it would be a prayer for the hopeless. I know I can pray in school, so it's not a question of can I do it. It's a question of what would I pray about... and I'm not really sure, other than what I just typed. I'd pray for things I have no time to pray for, because I get more bored in school than I do anywhere else. I'd pray for what comes to mind.
Doing well in school is something I aspire to do... after all, I want to get a doctorate one day and make something of myself, so doing well in school is something very important to me. It's not easy, especially in college, where you are so busy doing other things while in school. College is reading-intensive, and a lot of things must be read to fully understand what is being taught. That takes time, and most people don't have that time. I try to make that time, because I realize how important doing well in school is for me.
I want to leave my boyfriend for a variety of reasons... I think we both need to see more of the world, and to see other people. It'll do us good, because we started dating very young, and we're still very young. We don't know enough about other people to determine if we really want each other. I don't know how to leave him, because I've been with him almost three years, and I have both pros and cons for being with him and for leaving him. Today I've been focusing on leaving, but I'm still swinging back and forth.
I give Jamie lots of second chances... he means so much to me... and I am praying that he continues to mature and improve, because as I've said before, he's doing a good job of making those little improvements. I hope he continues because I don't want to keep giving chances. I am perfectly willing to, but I have to draw the line somewhere. Second chances are something I don't want to be given. Myself, I want to do the job right the first time. I know Jamie has given me many second chances, I don't want him to anymore.
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