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Family has become a stolen word ever since the advent of divorce, daycare, multitasking, and other things that keep families apart and less connected. Even cell phones, which are designed to connect people, are forcing them apart. Family means a group of people that you are related to in some way, either by blood, or by marriage, and those people are always there for you. They are important to you and special; and your bond with them should never be severed. Technology is pulling us farther and farther from the close-knit families we used to have in the past.
Love means having the support of people who care about you. Love means being there for your friends and your relatives no matter what, and under any circumstances. The word “love” gets thrown around so often today, and is so misused that we wonder how love can even survive in today's technological society. Love is something that is never taken for granted, and love is given freely. If you love someone, never hold back because you never know what may happen tomorrow, or even if tomorrow will come. Love, not money, is the only thing that makes the world spin.
Love is all there is. If there was no love, God would have caused the apocalypse already. That I believe with all my heart. God put it into our hearts; the capacity for both love and hate. We must choose love to keep this world running. The word “love” is so horribly overused and wasted today that it's hard to tell when someone really means it when they say “I love you” or “I love this” or whatever. Love is all there is, but sometimes, I think we need a new word for it, or for different kinds of love.
My friends aren't really the type to hold rituals, but if the gathering did turn out to be ritualistic, I would pay attention and watch what everyone else was doing so I would not screw up. Based on my friends, the ritual would not be religious in any way. It would probably be an orientation into something new that I have never heard of before. Sadly, I like to stalk my friends on Myspace, so on the other hand, I'd probably already know what the ritual was about before they even started it. I hope the ritual would be safe.
I would not really have an opinion on Buddhism if my best friend were to turn Buddhist; I would just be glad that at least they have some kind of religion. My best friend is my boyfriend, and he's currently agnostic, so I would be overjoyed that he had some spirituality, at last. The only thing I'd really have a problem with is if he tried to convert me to his religion or something, because I am a devout Catholic and am never converting to another religion. My best friend/boyfriend knows that, so he would be supportive, I guess.
Homophobia is ignorance to me. Why should you be afraid of someone with a different orientation than you? It's like being afraid of a different race of people, or being afraid of the opposite sex. Homophobia is probably brought on by how gays are portrayed in the media, especially to young boys. Take Michael Jackson for instance. Homophobia can be stopped by accepting everyone for who they are as a person, rather than who they find sexually attractive. There is more to life than just sex and sexuality, even though it does encompass a large part of who we are.
Technically, I haven't seen anyone today except the three members of my immediate family, Joel, and his crew. I spoke to Jamie, and I usually connect with him all the time, any time, so I will later today when I go to his house. He was complaining about cell phones and how nobody gets what they want, and how he doesn't need a Nextel for beeping people. I feel the same frustration with technology; my car didn't want to start. It's not as new as a cell phone, but it's a 1987 diesel, so it should have a long life...
There's this song by The Smashing Pumpkins about feeling disconnected... it has pretty good angry lyrics, but that's not really all that important. I feel disconnected sometimes in the Literary Guild, like when I have no idea what the other people are talking about, because they are all older than me to some degree. Feeling disconnected is like being confused and distanced from everyone else. I get that feeling a lot at college, mostly because I date a high schooler, and I feel like a high schooler because of it. It seems that's the way my life has become nowadays.
You are what you eat is a saying that is not meant to be taken literally. If you eat hamburgers all the time, you can't literally wake up one morning as a greasy, fatty hamburger. I think it means that whatever comes into you; whether it be your mind, your stomach, your heart, etc. forms a part of you. You are a part of what you experience... all life is made up of is experiences. Whatever happens to you, no matter whether you forget it or remember it, is always a part of you and makes up who you are.
My parents have a strong relationship. They've been together since 1965, when they met back in high school... I think it's sweet that Mom put up with all the shit Dad's put her through and vice versa, even though Dad went through depression and my mother went through a mastectomy. My parents' relationship has given me incentive to marry a good man and have a real relationship that will last 36+ years. It's amazing to me how they have stayed together in this day and age when so many couples divorce over petty reasons. It's something I'm very thankful for.
Personally, I think Lea went too far because she's only 17 and dates this guy who is 25. Or about to turn 25. I forgot which, but either way he's much too old. She may not even be dating him, because she is a habitual liar, but being the goodness of friendship, I love her anyway. I just wish she wouldn't keep dating these idiots and putting herself in a potentially dangerous situation. According to her, she's dated 300 guys, ranging in times from several minutes to several months. Never has she dated a guy for over a year. Weird.
My mother once told me that it was silly to ask her if she loved me. It made me feel like she was berating me for asking a simple question. It's the way she always was; she berated me and I guess her voice sounded harsher than she meant to make it. I was such a timid kid that it had an extra impression on me. I thought she was being harsh with me, and she would always insist she wasn't. That could be one of the reasons why I'm so inferior now; she made me think I was stupid.
I'm older than most of my friends, for one thing. My only friend born in the same year as me is actually a month younger... so I suppose that's one thing that sets us apart. I'm the only Catholic; all of my friends are either atheist, agnostic, or Protestant. I go to college; my other friends are in the Air Force and high school. I guess that comes with being older. My friends are less reserved and less studious than me; they're usually hyper! But I love them for their unique exuberance. I'm glad they're not the same as me.
I hear the protests against the government and Bush. I hear sex in our music. No matter what kind of music it is; I always hear undertones of sex, but that may come with being a teenager. Beneath the rhythm of music, I hear rebellion. I hear teenagers trying to get back at a world that has supposedly wronged them. They are rebelling against who they will become, but in the end they will conform to standards of our rules and our government. Beneath the music, I hear propositions. They are subliminally telling teenagers how to behave. The rhythm rocks.
Dear younger self,
Sexuality is a weapon to be used with caution; and a source of pride if you do not abuse it. Do not flaunt your sexuality; it is a living, breathing part of you that is released as a pheromone. Whatever your sexuality may be, do not be afraid of it, because it is a part of you that you will have to learn to live with for the rest of your life. Embrace your sexual nature, but do not use it to exploit the natures, feelings, or bodies of others. I trust you to keep it well.
My first sexual experience... it was more a question of should I be doing this or not? It depends on which one... I guess April 9 was my first real brush with sex. I wanted to please who I was with while not breaking my own purity, and I don't think you can do both at once. I succeeded in pleasing him, and I know he still loves me for who I am, not my 'sexual prowess'... whatever of that I happen to possess. I know that when we 'have sex', we do it out of love and mutual desire.
I know how to please him. Nobody has ever told me how, and it's all from intuition and what I think he will like. In anything; sex, food, what he wants me to say or write or do. Sometimes I do slip up, but most of the time I do please him, and he makes me happy too. I feel intuition in our bonds, and when we get together. Nobody's ever taught us how to act around each other, so we act naturally. I'm glad that what we have hasn't been influenced by anyone else; then it wouldn't be ours.
Sexual energy is something I have way too much of. I can tell my parents think sex is a horrible thing, and that has made me think that way too. I am trying to show my sexuality in certain ways, but it's hard because I have all these restrictions and chains binding me to morality. Sexual energy is also what happens when you're horny or you've just done something sexual in a good way. Like April 21, for instance. When the thought of sex makes you hyper and excited, that's sexual energy, too. You can't deny it, it is life.
It's something he does because he can't have me yet. It's something quite forbidden, and looked upon with various views in different cultures and traditions. It's too much effort for too little reward. It feels good, but is not fulfilling in the long run. It ruins sanctity a little, especially if it involves a certain kind of picture. In boys, it's quick. In girls it's slow and requires a learning curve. Put it this way, it's better in dreams. According to Faith No More's song, it's it. Everyone does it at least once in their life. It makes me sick.
The pregnancy test came back positive and I was in a state of shock. I am nineteen; in college with no job. How could I afford to have a baby? Being a profoundly religious person, there was also no way to have an abortion. So what could I do? Drop out of college and care for my child, while working in some greasy fast food place? Or dump the child off at his/her father's and let him and his parents deal with it. I can't believe I got pregnant the first time I had sex with the stupid boy.
Dowries are sort of an old-fashioned concept, but the gifts I offer the world are a writing ability, and the ability to keep all in fairness. I decided last night that I was neutral like Canada. I can see both sides of a situation and I am so torn between the two that I end up not choosing sides at all. I could counsel both sides, and make sure the situation does not get worse. Or I could write speeches for politicians; that's something I've had an interest in doing, but I'd have to know my current events well.
The people who love me are my parents, my brother, my other relatives, my grandmother, and my boyfriend. His family claims they love me, too, but it's really hard to love someone who dates your son and could possibly corrupt him. I hope they love me because of what I do, not just who I am. They love me because it's their obligation; I'm related to them. If they knew me as a friend only, would they still love me? I know my friends like me, but don't love me. Lea might love me because I listen to her rantings.
To be honest, the most important relationship for me right now is the one I have with my boyfriend. I am once again thinking of forfeiting my relationship with him and moving on to either the single life or someone else. He's not right for me to marry, based on the grounds that he is not Catholic and has no intention of becoming such, among other things. I don't think his narrow-minded and obstinate perceptions will ever change, and he will not change for me. Shouldn't he at least attempt it? He must not be worth it for me.
Since LiveJournal is temporarily taking too long to load, I'm going to type a random post. Brevity is not my soul of wit, so I need to learn how to tighten up most of the stories I write. I realize that I ramble on until the story is one sprawling mess. It frustrates me, and I have to work on disciplining myself. I'm doing pretty good with this site so far. Maybe I should write mini 100 word stories everyday, to learn how to consolidate my plots. I always hated that word 'consolidate'. It sounds too much like 'constipate'. Ha.
I've already described my ideal boyfriend/husband character in my GreatestJournal. I wrote a “shopping list” of things I want in a guy, and those are the opposites of the flaws my current boyfriend has. I would love it if my boyfriend turned into that idealistic guy I envision myself with, but I know it won't happen. He's not fourteen anymore, I can't frame him. In November, my beloved is turning eighteen, and there's nothing I can do when he gets to adulthood. He will be even harder to persuade and manipulate. I know I sound like a control freak.
A love fantasy is imagining yourself with someone you'd have no chance of being with in real life, like an anime character or a movie star. (Sorry, all you Johnny Depp fans!) Imagining love is thinking of a real person you could be with; imagining the perfect person for you. This person would be realistically date-able. It's never actual love until you meet the person, though. You can fantasize and imagine all you want, but I don't think it's ever real love in those cases. You can train yourself to 'love' that person, but it's still a fake fantasy.
I've had a lot of best times with people... I know I want to write about a time I had with Jamie, but there were so many good ones. The most flawless one was March 7, 2007 when we went out to eat alone and saw Justin and Frank, talked forever and everything was perfect. He wanted to marry me and I said yes, because on that day it felt like nothing could go wrong and we were the only ones in the world. It felt like he literally put the world in a bag and gave it to me.
I better get straight to the point, because I've been beating around the bush these three years. I don't think we're right for each other. We're too different to survive a marital relationship. I don't know if you've realized that, but I certainly think it's true. I've been watching our relationship, and those are the sort of observations I've been making. I know you say you've been looking, but if you really were, you'd see the same things I've been seeing. If this is the way our relationship will continue to go, I think we should end it.
You can be possessed by love; it's an all-consuming emotion that reaches deep into your soul. You can be possessed by hobbies, or addictions. Possession is usually taken to be a bad thing, and it is most of the time. In biblical times, people could be possessed by spirits, but I think that was their way of saying someone was mentally ill. Possession occurs in the early phase of love, the phase when nothing goes wrong. You come out of that possession when you realize things about the person you fell in love with; or if that person changes.
True love should be the secret desire of everyone's heart. I long for true love. I long to know if the guy I am with is my true love, because my brain and my heart are completely torn in twain. My brain does not believe in true love, and my heart wants desperately to keep that idealistic image up. Since my brain and my heart cannot agree, I am generally confused about who my true love is, and what I should be doing in the meantime while I wait. Looking for other guys? Somehow, I really do not think so.
I feel rushed now. Everyone seems to expect you to know your major in college and what you want to do with your life... and I always tell them I don't know. Then I get this look that says, “Well, you better hurry up and figure that out if you want to be anything good!” I get so annoyed at that... I have a lifetime, but a lifetime isn't that long. Our lives could all end tomorrow. We should take our time and take life easy, but the pace of the world nowadays is frenzied, and we're always being rushed.
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