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The purgatorial agony. Sounds like a metal band name. I finished a book that didn't really affect me, although I could tell it was meant to. Supposed to be some deep, literary insight, but the characters were not as smart as the author. I guess she couldn't dumb herself down enough to properly get inside her characters' minds. I don't think they were capable of thinking as deeply as they did. Seemed like mindless bimbos who would waste their lives in a small town, get knocked up, and just deal with stuff. The ending wrapped up too neatly but not neatly enough.
Well, the phone situation finally resolved itself. Or we resolved it. I wish I could write something beautiful again. I could, but again, it is a matter of prioritizing. I haven't been obsessing about the baby as much. Too many other things to think about. For some reason, my brain calmed down today and I stopped worrying. I guess it figured I had enough all the rest of the days. My husband was well behaved. I don't know if I felt the baby move or not, but sometimes I swear I did. It is so fleeting that by the time I acknowledge it, it's gone.
My head was full of other things yesterday. I hardly thought about the baby, and in a way, I don't think I ought to be obsessing too much. I think I should just let my body do its thing and stop worrying about it. It can't be good for the kid. Today's Friday, and Fridays baffle me. I don't have anything better to do on a Friday than work and wait for the weekend. I want to write, but I don't see myself finding the time to actually sit down long enough to do that. Or "concentrate long enough" to do that.
Had the most bizarre dream last night. Two female cops with guns busted into the apartment looking for another person with a gun. They certainly didn't find him. Instead, they found my husband and me, who were waiting for drama. We joined them on the chase. They found the man and tried to shoot at him but missed. I still can't see how. It was at point-blank range. I was left in fear that the guy was going to return and come kill us since we were in the car with the cops who were trying to kill him.
We actually planned the menu for this week. Maybe that means we can avoid eating out too often. I got lazy during the first trimester and hardly cooked. Now I feel guilty over it, not to mention feeling guilty because the chores didn't get done. Hopefully things will get easier, but I doubt it. I feel like the second trimester is going to be wasted if I don't hurry up and get things done. I need a kind of schedule again, but I don't think I will adhere to it. Schedules do not work as well as they used to.
For the first time in what seemed like forever, I cooked today. Nothing special, but it was different because I felt better about it. With cooking, as with everything else, you have to be organized. I didn't feel like eating the meat, but I'm getting hungry again. I think you have to eat small meals with pregnancy. I hate that. I wish I could eat like normal. I'm forever worried about whether the baby is getting enough nutrients. People tell me to eat more, eat more, eat more, but the reality is that I can only eat so much.
I don't know if I have felt the baby move or not. I think I have, but I'm not 100% sure. Sometimes I just think it's gas, or that if I know for sure it's not gas, like if I haven't eaten recently, then the "movement" is so fleeting that it's gone before I can really register what it was. But I guess as long as I don't feel anything off and we have a heartbeat, it's OK. I can't wait until the ultrasound when we get to find out the gender (if baby cooperates). Still have the feeling it's a girl.
Another day, another great food argument. We can't seem to compromise on eating out versus eating at home. To me, eating at home is cheaper, healthier, and more personal. Eating out, you always feel like you're in a rush because someone else needs the table after you. It's not as healthy because of all the sodium and the portion sizes are huge. And obviously, restaurants are more expensive. Twenty dollars is a meal for two at a somewhat cheap restaurant. I don't like spending more than $20 at a restaurant (not counting tip). And that's the other thing... when you eat at home, you don't have to tip.
I'm hungry, but I don't want to eat anything. I really wish I had cookies or a Fast Break candy bar. There are several little gnats floating around my head driving me crazy. I wish they would go away, but I guess they like the glow of the computer screen. Another thing: I don't like it when books have too many pointless sex scenes. I understand that your character isn't a skank, but it sure does seem that way when she sleeps with anything that walks. Maybe I shouldn't get so adamant about this, but I do. It's a little silly.
Another terrible dream last night. I dreamed that my mother-in-law bought shoes for the baby, but they would fit a six-year-old, then she was trying to be all righteous about why she bought the shoes. I started yelling at her about how I had no room in the house for shoes, the kid won't need shoes until he gets past the infant stage, and why does she keep buying stuff that I don't need and don't have room for? Ugh. I hate yelling at people, even in dreams. She kept trying to force the shoes into my hands and I kept refusing.
Well, I caved and drank decaf. At least, I can only hope it was decaf. It was literally the best thing I've drank in months. And a bacon, egg, and cheese bagel from McDonald's. Hit the spot. I was craving them so bad that I dreamed about it. I guess I can eat eggs again. The whole first trimester I had a terrible aversion to them. My body needs some kind of protein. And I haven't even had my Boost yet. Word to the wise: do not eat almond butter. It is horrible. There are no words to describe how horrible.
According to the Catholic Church, if you have no intention of having children, you cannot get married. If you just plain old do not want them. Being physically unable to have them is another matter. The will may be there, but the way is not. So that would be OK. That couple would be more interested in adopting a child, which is equally good. In some ways, that would even be better than having a new child. I don't think you can think of human beings in quite that utilitarian fashion, though. It is so hard to write about matters of morality.
I wonder if today is the first day of school for any kids. Several years back, they moved the first day of school to the end of August, which makes no sense because they have the Labor Day holiday right after that. They should go back to the way it used to be and have the first day of school start the day after Labor Day and have school end the week after Memorial Day, or maybe just before. But those 180 days are key. The school systems are still stuck on having 180 days, but I don't think that matters.
This really is like PMS. No joke. I got pissed off at a tiny thing that normally wouldn't bother me yesterday. Then I got all affectionate like I was trying to make up for my idiocy. I wish I could say I didn't know what was wrong with me, but I can't say that. I have no excuse this time or any time. I'm supposed to be saving money, but I'm ending up spending. I will have a lot of time to put a registry together. I need the essential things only. No shoes that are too big. No shoes at all.
Church is later tonight, so that will be nice. I feel like I haven't gone in forever, even though it was only Sunday. Husband is hopefully going with me if he isn't too tired. He made a bunch of money in tips, so I am proud of him. I want to go out to eat so I don't have to cook. A little meal planning goes a long way, but I just want something quick and easy because we are going somewhere tonight. Then to sleep on my uncomfortable bed with an uncomfortable pregnancy. However, I am feeling the joy.
Consistency is key, even if it is hard. Even if it leads to a fight. I guess I just have to fight my way through even though some days, I really don't feel like fighting and fighting gets tiresome. But it is better to fight now than to have chaos later, and the same will be true for kids. If I am consistent and mean business, I will get my point across. I think this is true for most things. I am tired of people not taking me seriously because I look so young. "You don't even look old enough to be pregnant." Ehh, I'm 30.
Once again, I have been reading too much Stephen King. I dreamed I went to this deserted cabin in the woods, probably to get away from everything, and these six guys came in and gang-raped me. What a bad dream. Strangely enough, I woke up and my husband was standing over me. I freaked the hell out. But of course, he was just my husband wondering if I was OK because I fell asleep on the couch. Dang... time to lay off the horror stories and the crazy movies. I used to think books didn't get into my head.
Someone said that Imagine Dragons was too loud and stompy, and the more I listen to that band, the more I agree with that sentiment. I would add "overplayed" to that list of adjectives. They're an OK band, but I think it's more that they're so well known. If they were played less often, they'd be better. I'm getting to the point where I'm sick of radio stations. I just want to listen to my own music again, but my car doesn't have a CD player, sadly. I have to rip everything onto a flash drive and am too lazy to do so.
I dreamed about the baby again, but I can't remember exactly what it was. It was a happy dream, so that's good. I'm tired of having these messed up dreams. I didn't sleep that good anyway. Was frustrated and wasn't really tired because I took a 2-hour nap in the middle of the afternoon but didn't intend to. I think I must have gone to bed at 12:30 or 1 p.m. Better say goodbye to my sleep schedule. NFP is going to be a million times harder unless I can get back on a sleep schedule, or just avoid sex.
8/22: Well, we found out yesterday that we are having a boy. To be honest, I was initially disappointed a little, then I reminded myself that he is 100% healthy, so that is good enough. I also reminded myself that I have never liked girls or women. I have always been friends with boys and hung out with them before I hung out with girls. I was somewhat of a tomboy. So I suppose this makes sense. God wouldn't give me something I couldn't handle. But I got over my disappointment pretty quickly. We are trying to come up with names.
8/22: Pet parents. I think that must be a new concept. Last week at the flea market, we saw these two people taking a stroller out of the car. I was thinking that it was for a baby, but they loaded it up with two dogs instead and began to roll them all over the place. That's a pretty neat idea, but dogs should be allowed to walk... they're not like children in that they'll wander off and get in danger. And you can put a dog on a leash, but a child on a leash isn't quite the same.
So far we have decided on a name, but I'm not going to say it here. It's unfortunately somewhat common, but it is hard to find boy names. All the ones that are tried and true are still very popular. I let my husband pick the name, and he seems to be satisfied with his choice, although I'm sort of hoping he will change his mind. I mean, I can live with the name if that's what it ends up being. It has some cute nicknames that go with it, so that's a bonus. The middle name isn't bad either.
The "s" key on my keyboard has completely broken off, but I can still type on it. I just have to reach down deeper to touch the little nub that makes the "s." This doesn't bode well because I have to take notes at a meeting. It is always good to have a backup keyboard. So I will use the laptop's keyboard. Baby was moving a lot yesterday. Husband was astounded. I guess now we're all worried that the kid will have ADHD. Or autism. But what can you do? Nothing. It is the luck of the draw and genetics.
One of my coworkers is turning 50, but she doesn't look anywhere near 50. She is almost exactly 20 years older than me. Strange. I wonder if I will be where she is 20 years from now. Supposedly I am on an upward trajectory. Yesterday, I felt like I was losing my mind, and in a way I actually am. Pregnancy is supposed to reduce gray matter. It's supposed to make you more close to the baby or prepare you to be a better mother, but in the process, you get dumb? Or forgetful? I think mothers would need to remember stuff and be smart.
I got a book about journaling at a bookstore yesterday, hoping that it springs me back into wanting to actually pick up the pen and write. Journaling seems like the easiest way to write these days. I don't have to come up with a plot. My life is the plot. I can describe things in my own life beautifully if I wanted to, rather than just using simple sentences like "I went to work." "I went to work, and on the way there, I saw the sun coming up through the trees, burning the entire world with its luminance." Something poetic.
Not too many days left in the month! I might buy another keyboard because mine broke. I have had two of this kind of keyboard over the past several years, and they've been good to me, but the keys aren't really on there tight. That's my sole complaint.
I'm going to try to get back into journaling on paper. Going to try the old morning pages method of three pages per day. I guess it's OK if you don't get to them all in the morning. So one can be a morning page, then an afternoon page, then a night page.
Don't really know what to write. Seems like now I am just waiting to get into nesting mode. I want to work on my registry. Apparently, I am going to get a rocking chair from my in-laws and some other stuff from my sister-in-law. I will be showered with gifts, so that will be pretty entertaining. I don't know if I ought to go to a baby shower at work. Seems greedy. I think one baby shower is enough, and that would be the one family throws me, although it will be all in-laws, pretty much.
Happy Feast of St. Augustine! Today is one of those days when I wish the morning would last all day. Well, at least the energy of the morning. Apparently, baby likes shrimp a lot. He was going crazy yesterday when I was eating at the seafood place. It bothers me when the only seafood people can eat is popcorn shrimp. Tilapia isn't bad. It's a very mild fish and doesn't have that obviously fishy taste. Sushi is great, but it's not for everyone. Some people are too squeamish, but man, do I love sushi. Haven't had it since way before getting pregnant.
Mad rush because internal client forgot what deadline she told the external client. *sigh* Oh, well. We're only human after all. That's what I tell myself when people make mistakes or do embarrassing things. I am so glad I didn't grow up in the era of the Internet (well, I sort of did, but didn't get a computer in my bedroom until halfway through 2006). I don't know how I'm going to protect my son from the Internet beyond letting him only have supervised access to devices and not allowing computers/electronics in his bedroom (until he's a reasonable age).
Second to last day of August, and my "s" key is still broken. My dad said he'd give me another keyboard for free, but that's not until Sunday, so it will be awhile before I see it. It's supposed to be light-up with all these different color patterns. Honestly, I just want something I can type on. My work keyboard is plain and utilitarian and half the keys are worn off by overly long fingernails and typing too fast and violently. I do that at work just to make a point. My home keyboard is quieter, a light-up Logitech.
Husband and I were discussing our wills the other day. Like the money we want to give to the child. We got in a kind of argument about it, then when I got home, I randomly flipped to a page in the bible, and it said something about two inheritances, one being monetary and the other being spiritual. So the greatest inheritance the child will get is spiritual knowledge and knowledge of the faith. The money won't matter as much except in this world, but the spiritual stuff will last beyond a lifetime. That was so appropriate to the situation.
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