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BY M

06/01 Direct Link
We saw her (or him) yesterday. The baby, floating in its little sac. For a second, I saw the fluttering heartbeat. 152 beats per minute. 7 weeks and 3 days. So far so good. Everything fine. My mind is put at ease for the time being. Now it's just a matter of planning and when to tell the boss. I was thinking the end of the fiscal year, but it might be too late at that point. I doubt I really start showing at 20 weeks just based on family history, but even then, they would probably know something if I gain weight.
06/02 Direct Link
Time to pay bills. Fun stuff. I am going to worry less and trust everything to God. That's how it's supposed to be done. I wish I could write 100 words ahead of time, and I guess I could, but what would be the sense in that? The site is like a glorified time capsule. I had a dream I was eating waffles last night. It was the strangest thing. I wanted all different kinds of waffles, blueberry and strawberry and chocolate chip. Then when I woke up, the thought of waffles made me feel sick, so I tried to choke down eggs.
06/03 Direct Link
I'm 30 now. My 20s were a weird time. It's strange to look back on them. I entered my 20s somewhat confused about where I was in life and not sure what I was going to do or what God wanted from me, but by the time I exited my 20s, much was clearer. I found my vocation and the vocation within that vocation. I have a job, I'm out of college, I'm married... but there is still a ways to go in this crazy life. I want to think I got stronger during my 20s and I hope that I did. 
06/04 Direct Link
My perfectionism is getting in the way again. I had a confession on Saturday, but I can never get the words out the way I want them to. When I have the floor, so to speak, I get all excited that someone is finally listening to me and I don't have to scream over eight million other people that I can't put the words together right, so I end up not really saying what I want to anyway. Which is annoying, but it has been that way my whole life. Writing is really the only way to say what I want.
06/05 Direct Link
Afraid I will get sick if I start eating. I wish this weird food thing would go away and I'd get normally hungry again. Pregnancy is fun. *sarcasm* Weirdly enough I'm not looking forward to having a kid (although this varies from moment to moment). They are supposed to bring you joy but also heartache. The same is true for any relationship, but I guess this is more intense because it is your flesh and blood that you brought into the world. I just know I'll be happier when pregnancy is over and I have a baby to cuddle.
06/06 Direct Link
Baby is 8 weeks today! Supposedly the size of a raspberry. I still feel crappy. Tired and I want to eat, but at the same time, eating makes me feel sick. Well, the thought of eating. So I am forcing myself to eat anyway, even though if it was just me in my body right now, I wouldn't be eating a damn thing. Hell, even the thought of coffee is making me ill, and I usually love coffee. We're supposed to go to my husband's old church tonight for a memorial Mass. Let's see how tired I am by then.
06/07 Direct Link
For certain projects, you can't get paid if you work on the weekend. So you can work, but it's only for your own peace of mind or for free if you feel so inclined. I guess so you won't have stuff falling all over the place in an avalanche on Monday. 

My husband said he had a nice birthday yesterday. He didn't spend it with this parents at all, which to me was strange. I'm sure he would have if I wasn't in the picture, but to me my birthday wouldn't be complete without seeing some family members. 
06/08 Direct Link
Friday and gearing up to be super busy, which hopefully means the day goes by faster so I can get to the weekend, which is also supposed to be super busy, despite me not really having much to do. Makes no sense. I want to clean out the whole house so we have somewhere to put baby stuff when the time comes. She won't have her own room (or he), at least not at this point. One day she will. I could buy a house, but I hate the housing market. Everything moves too fast and I hate feeling rushed. 
06/09 Direct Link
6/11: Three days behind in these words. I guess because nothing happened, and it's good when nothing happened. I'm trying to get past the initial disgust at food so I can eat my breakfast. I should have gotten some other kind of cereal at the store. Like Fiber 1. Every now and then I get a weird craving for it, even though it's not really a "good" food in that it's not your typical guilty pleasure. Too-sweet cereals make me sick. Bran flakes are too bland. Fiber 1 has just the right amount of sweetness. But it's expensive. 
06/10 Direct Link
6/11: I have been neglecting my paper journal. The reasoning behind that is I have a huge journal and it's the largest one I've ever written in (in terms of number of pages). This must be intimidating to me or something. It is also a very nice journal, and I guess I want to be sure I put good stuff in it. I generally don't care what I put in my journals. Funny quotes are fair game, rumors and gossip about people, anecdotes, all that kind of random mess that occurs in daily life. Nothing too deep or hard to think about.
06/11 Direct Link
The Google doodle today is a garden gnome. I never cared that much for gnomes. Maybe they bring good luck to gardens or something. I know some people who are obsessed with gnomes and think they're so cute. I like those little fairies that people put in their gardens better. The fairies are cuter and easier to look at. Most of the gnomes just look like little wrinkled old people. Every now and then, you see baby and child gnomes, but even they're not all that cute. Sorry to the gnome fans out there. I just like that gnome is spelled with a "g."
06/12 Direct Link
6/13: Baby is 9 weeks now. I am getting frustrated hearing about morning sickness all the time. All I've had is mild nausea and the baby appears to be fine. He was the right size for his age and had a heartbeat. My husband thought he saw him moving around on the ultrasound image, but it was probably his imagination. Anyway, it makes me feel like I'm abnormal not having morning sickness beyond those weird food aversions. Maybe I just got lucky. A good roll of the dice. I just hope the kid continues to be OK and I pray he is.
06/13 Direct Link
Almost a year ago today, I had that accident. I thought about it on my way into work, but I was supposed to have been thinking about the rosary. All these cars on the road and only some of the drivers are careful. Someone was eating while going like 85 in the left lane. Another person going 10 miles under the speed limit in the middle lane, so everyone has to swerve to get past him. People who can't decide which lane they want to be in, so they straddle the dashed line. It is a dog eat dog world. 
06/14 Direct Link
I had that song stuck in my head. "Immigrant Song" by Led Zeppelin and I think it made me dream about immigration. I was wandering around all these dilapidated houses where these poor people lived. I'm not sure if they were immigrants or not because they were speaking English, but I was trying to find someone in all the houses. I kept walking through walls of meat that they were salting and these horrible insects that they were keeping. It was the strangest dream I've had in a while and I don't know what it symbolizes. Probably nothing in particular.
06/15 Direct Link
The formatting queue has exploded at work. This is gearing up to be a crazy Friday and in a way, I hope it is. That way, the day will go by faster and I won't have to think so hard. I'll just allow myself to be carried along with the current. 

I can't believe a PC game from 2002 still works on my Windows 10 computer. Three cheers for backward compatibility, man! Every now and then, I get this urge to play ancient games. I don't know why. I guess the mothering instinct has returned, probably never to leave.
06/16 Direct Link
Does pregnancy cause you to shed? Seems like my hair has changed. It's not poofy and nuts anymore, but it's not "nice" either. Kind of greasy but that's because I don't wash it as often as I used to. They say that certain types of shampoo can harm the baby, which I don't understand. Does it seep into your skin and into his neat little gestational sac? They also say you shouldn't use "parabens," which are in hand lotion. I haven't been using hand lotion as much as I normally do, which is fine. My hands haven't been dry that often.
06/17 Direct Link
In the parking lot, as if in slow motion, the tall man's fist coming out to hit him in the face. A rain of startled saliva, flecks of blood, his nose appearing to twist, but it was just the cartilage, it had not broken. Damn kid, why are you here? when he reached into his pocket and withdrew the rosary he always, after that moment, credited with saving his life. 

Here. Take this.

Why the fuck you here? Go home. But to call home would be a punishment. His parents would question him, why was he, a good Christian boy, in such a bad place?
06/18 Direct Link
I accidentally stepped on the Cheerio I dropped on the floor, so there is a fine layer of dust everywhere. There was a giant roach in the apartment, and I found a flea biting my ankle. Pretty sure the flea came from visiting a house in which there were pets. The cockroach had to have come from the neighboring apartment. I tried to kill it, but the darn thing slipped under the wall and probably back where it belonged. Maybe I'm just abdicating responsibility for mess. I don't know at this point. I'm still feeling lazy as hell about chores. 
06/19 Direct Link
Man, I haven't had Honey Bunches of Oats in forever. I miss how that cereal tastes. It's one of those ones where you really can't get the store brand of it because it just doesn't taste the same. With Cheerios, the store brand is actually sometimes superior to the name brand, but it depends on which store brand you get. You have to be very vigilant in buying cereal. You just never know. I've never eaten any of those bagged cereals before, though. I'm sure they're just as good. I don't think I would be able to eat all the cereal in the bag before it went stale.
06/20 Direct Link
A heartless rant: I don't understand why people who already have one or more children go through IVF and other fertility treatments. In my head, you should be grateful for the one child you have and not get your body in a tizzy trying to do something that God obviously doesn't want you to do. Then you end up with five blastocysts and you end up freezing most of them. Those are human lives you are freezing. I really think... if you want more kids, adopt. You can adopt a newborn or 1-month-old baby and he's as good as your own.
06/21 Direct Link
When buying journals, I try not to pay too much, but that is sometimes unavoidable when you see something that's nice and won't fall apart on you. The dollar store has cute journals, but they are the kind that will fall apart or at least, the paper is bad and will tear or bleed through. Barnes and Noble has nice journals, but I think they (and everything in that store) are overpriced. Also, the journals are a little too nice. Like for someone who has extremely neat handwriting who won't destroy the journal with his or her scrawl. My handwriting is appalling.
06/22 Direct Link
6/25: The trip down to the family reunion was fun. We ended up getting tired and staying at Baymont for the night. I believe it was in a town called Augusta (in Georgia, not Maine). I did not check to see if they had expired toothpaste. My mother-in-law kept calling all her relatives every 10 minutes to make sure they were keeping pace. "Where you at? Where you at?" Man, you have to love these Southern people. But it was fun. Then we packed up and were on our way again the next day. I got some work done.
06/23 Direct Link
6/25: Friday was the meet-and-greet. I met his cousin Beth, a wide-eyed creature with what she probably assumed was a charming Southern accent. His soft-spoken cousin Christie, who is technically his mother's cousin. Her affectionate husband Roy, who was funny and treated me as a father would. He held my face in his hands and exclaimed over me. There is very little personal space in this family. People kept coming, people I had hoped to meet. One person I especially wanted to meet was not there, and I doubt I ever meet him now. 
06/24 Direct Link
6/25: Then there were all the stories of family drama. Who was divorcing who, who was pregnant, who was still angry at who over what petty fight. Whose husbands and boyfriends and girlfriends the family did and didn't approve of. When Shannon is getting married; she and her boyfriend are looking at rings and are planning to become engaged. It's terrible, how fast things go, but they had been friends for years. Paige and her boyfriend got back together, and I'm happy for that. The long distance must have been hard because he travels for work. I'm happy for them.
06/25 Direct Link
Then the trip home, during which I felt closer to my mother-in-law. She is difficult, but she is charming. I think most difficult people are charming at first, but maybe that's how they drag you in. She can be bright and bubbly and entertaining, but her voice sometimes gets too loud and rings in your ears. She never stops smiling, and she gets panicky over silly things that you probably wouldn't panic over. I think to an extent, we all have our anxieties. I feel as though I understand her better now, and I have more patience with her.
06/26 Direct Link
Man, do I feel gross. I have this aversion to my husband and I can't explain why. I guess it has to do with pregnancy and pheromones and all that fun stuff. I wish I'd get over this soon. I'm 10 weeks, so it should be pretty soon. I hope I'm not one of those people who feels this way the entire pregnancy. I can barely cook without feeling vomitous. (That's not even a word, but it does describe how I feel.) Work is OK because it smells neutral here and I don't have any issues with it. So strange.
06/27 Direct Link
Listening to Fetty Wap always takes me back. Sometimes I want to do nothing more than sit around and listen to nasty rap songs. That song about the same color T-shirt by Migos... I like that one, too, but I'm not quite sure why I like some rap songs over others. Maybe the lyrics. I always find the lyrics entertaining because of the way they manage to rhyme one word with 18 million other words that only halfway rhyme with it. Or the slang terms they use are funny. What the hell does "Fetty Wap" mean anyway? Urban Dictionary could help.
06/28 Direct Link
We got to hear the heartbeat yesterday. Everything is good and baby is healthy. And I gained a pound. So I guess I am doing something right. I'm supposed to gain 25 to 35 pounds the whole pregnancy, which will make me fatter than I have ever been in my life. But it's for a good cause, so I will continue to eat whatever I see. Speaking of which, I guess now is the time to go get some cereal. Maybe I'm no longer one of those people who can wake up and just eat. My brother and my mother were like that.
06/29 Direct Link
We're going to an anniversary party tonight and a cookout tomorrow and another small party on Sunday. So my weekend is full. I didn't intend it to be, but at least we will have many adventures and my mind will be off the pregnancy doldrums. I wish I'd get into the second trimester already. I hope I'm not like this the whole pregnancy. Also, I think I bit my tongue in my sleep, so the entire side of my mouth hurts because I bit my cheek the other day too. Eating is not a fun affair these days. I'll get over it.
06/30 Direct Link
We went to my brother's house for a cookout, which was nice. We didn't have any issues with meeting people we didn't know, which was what we were both having anxiety about. They did have vodka, which wasn't too bad. Husband is now watching the seventh (I think it's the seventh) Star Wars movie. I want to eat something, but my  mouth hurts because I believe I bit my tongue in my sleep, and I bit my cheek while eating. So I need to eat slower to avoid these misfortunes. I don't even know what I want to eat.