REPORT A PROBLEM
10/1: The fiscal year ended while I was away from work. I can't wait to go back. There are so many things I need to do and buy and get. I have a list of tasks a mile long and it's stressing me out that I can't do them. I wonder if the eggs and milk in the refrigerator are still good. I'm going to have to cook this week and use the slow cooker. It would be nice to use on Thursdays when I'm working from home and can make sure nothing explodes. I'm Ignatius Reilly's wife. Let's get used to it.
Back at work. Had 402 emails to wade through, which wasn't anywhere near as bad as I expected. Still a lot, though. Made me glad for my vacation, during which I didn't look at email at all. As a matter of fact, I had no idea what was going on in the news, which was refreshing.
I'm getting husband to get up early with me so he can get stuff done. Soon he will know the joys of being a morning person. Being a night owl would be joyful if it wasn't so freaking exhausting. I did stay up till 2 p.m. on the cruise.
I cried my eyes out last night because of a baby. I was holding my husband and thinking about how, if I love him more than life itself, I will love a baby even more. I was thinking about how I love that baby (those children) before he or she is even conceived, then how much more will I love him or her when he or she is actually conceived, then growing inside me, then born? A love so painful and so strong yet God's love is infinitely bigger. I got a glimpse of God in that moment right there, in my husband's arms.
People really do suffer from mental illness. They don't act "crazy" just because they can and they aren't unable to do things just because they are "lazy." It is legitimate. Some of them do need medicine to help them function; the medicine is not just so they can "get high." I don't have much patience with those who have no patience for the mentally ill. It makes me sad that we still live in such an intolerant world. Hopefully the stigma will go away over time, or at least lessen enough so people are more understanding of these very real issues.
I really like that new song by Coldplay and the Chainsmokers. "Something Just Like This"--just a normal relationship but one that gives you superpowers because you know the other person loves you more than life itself. I love my husband even though he is no superman. He thinks he can be, and he is in ways that he doesn't think about.
Sex seems to be essential in a marriage. If you don't have it, something, some element of connection, is missing. Even if it's only gone for a couple of weeks while you're waiting for your cycle to get back under control.
10/7: Oops! Forgot to do my 100 Words yesterday, but I did manage to finally pluck my mustache. I don't like being an Italian lady sometimes, but the pros outweigh the cons. For one, we have the biggest hearts.
I figured something out about living in the South after having lived here for the majority of my life (over 22 years)... lay it on thick. They like sugar, even when it's not genuine (and I don't mean literally). They are as sweet as the tea they drink to your face, but behind your back, they're mean as hell. It's not to be taken personally.
The important thing is to be nice. If you hear something about someone, don't repeat it to someone else. And even if they want you to repeat it to another person, be very careful about what you say. It's not paranoia; it's reality. People get so touchy.
This new situation with in-laws is even stranger than that. The two mothers don't like each other much, so what is said to one must never be repeated to the other and vice-versa. Basically they will only hear about things when they are both in the same room, which is now rare.
Trying to figure out Southern people. Are all Northern people remote and distant and "cold" or does that apply to just introverts? I'm not really sure. Anyway... it's a matter of how people show love and affection, or just a difference in that.
His mother misses him. I understand that. Her influence looms long and always will. There's nothing wrong with that. I'm channeling my mother and my grandmother way more often than I would like these days. My mother might not be the cause of my issues, but she is a factor. That can't be helped. People always screw up their kids.
It's hard to budget when you get paid biweekly but have monthly expenses. Oh, well. The world is geared toward those who have salaries and 9 to 5 jobs, and I wish it didn't have to be that way. It makes the rest of the world feel like second-class citizens.
I was glad to be away from the Internet all day except for work. I like doing those Internet purges, but they tend to require a great deal of self-control. Strangely enough, I still have all my energy left. I didn't think I would, since it's past 2 in the afternoon.
I feel like such a bad coworker. I was out for the wedding and honeymoon, and my poor coworker had to work on my stuff while his kid was at soccer practice and when his dad was in surgery. That makes me feel bad, and I told him so, but he just smiled and said it wasn't a big deal. The thing is, if the situation was reversed, I'd do the same thing. I'm just trying to balance this whole work/wife thing. I need a work/wife balance, not work/life balance at this rate. Now that's a blog idea!
Been having the weirdest flashbacks. I think stress and getting used to a new environment might be causing it. I don't think I'm stressed though. I've been eating fine and sleeping fine and waking up fine. I haven't been eating the wrong things; actually, I think I'm eating healthier than I have been in a while.
But I had a flashback about the screen door to his house and the way it sounded when it opened. The way his feet hit the floor when they were wet. The black swim trunks he wore. The way he dove into the pool.
10/13: I don't know why all the books and magazines and TV shows and movies and basically every media form tries to convey the idea that sex is easy. Because it's not. Don't get me wrong, I don't mean that sex is bad. I'm just saying it's not easy. There is so much involvement from so many things and there are high expectations. Any problem with any relationship comes out during sex. So it's good as a magnifying glass for that reason. But it's also bad to focus so much on the process behind sex... let's pretend we're animals.
Back to sex... I don't know what I think about it. I was a virgin. I don't think my husband expected me to be one, even when we talked about it before marriage. I don't think he understood how inexperienced I am. So we come at sex with two different sets of expectations for how it should be. My experience is limited to awkward fully clothed teenage fumblings and what I've gleaned from romance novels. I literally don't truly know what I like. But we are married so we have a lifetime to work on it, presumably. Sorry for the TMI.
the one that I looked at and he belongs to me
i predicted it all,
i wanted to be the girl in the mirror
but when i looked at myself i got lost
i shone somehow in his heart though
he never looked at me directly
i was the product of his imagination
strictly a dream
and he was the dream every time i lay down
he makes me want to do better for him
and for me
and for the future
i love him more than words can say
i am drawn closer to him with every passing day
he is the night
i am the moon
we make the stars
I hate hospital bills. How do they expect the average person to pay something that's over $1,000? Most people don't even have savings that equal that much, especially if they are a student or on fixed income. I understand that's what health insurance is for, but sometimes the health insurance doesn't even cover it and it's still a super high bill.
I don't know enough about economics to know whether it would be better for health care to be "free." Someone has to pay for it at some point, right? And that might as well be us since we're last in line.
You're sitting in a room with a television, cold and alone, your eyes transfixed in its dangerous blue light. You can't resist, you don't want to resist, and you say lovely words but the actions don't match because the disease (the habit) has reached its grip deep into you. You don't really care about the future because it seems so distant and unattainable. You don't remember the past. The present is passing as quickly as the images on the screen. Too quickly.
I have written too many poems like this before. Everything I could write for you has already been written.
I read somewhere recently that people get divorced because they expect their spouse to be the be-all and end-all of everything. They want their spouse to totally fulfill them, and that's a lot of expectations to put on one person, not to mention that it's impossible. The person you marry should complement you (and compliment you!), not complete you. The only one who can complete you is God. People shouldn't rely on just one other person for an emotional outlet. It's too much. People are too complicated. I guess that's why people need a variety of friends and family members.
Kyle the Wretch. A fictional character, no less. Someone I cannot name but I just did because he is fictional and I'm not afraid of him. A person or being like Slenderman, that becomes the focus of many memes.
What is with this sexual assault thing? I have been stared at lewdly but never groped. My mom was flashed on the subway when she was much younger. I really do think this happens to every woman at at least one point in her life. Men need to be trained better. Women need to train them better when they are sons.
Always wipe yourself. Flush the toilet. Blow your nose. Wash your hands. Clean under your fingernails. For heaven's sake, cut your fingernails. Brush your hair and put it up. Take a shower every so often. Sometimes basic hygiene is hard to remember to do. You get so wrapped up in life. But you have to take care of yourself. If you don't wash and clean, you tend to get sick.
I've been slacking at vacuuming. The apartment is only 600-something square feet, but I just can't bring myself to get off my ass and vacuum it. Pure laziness.
I forgot I'm going to be out of the office on Monday and Tuesday. Weird. Shouldn't have been taking on work. I miss my husband... I miss his touch and his hugs and the way he holds me close. It's gonna be hard in November when I go to the conference and he's all by himself. I just hope it happens at a good time of the month. I don't think God wants us to have children at this moment. We should wait until we are a little more established. I wonder what it'd be like to have a child, though.
Sex is hard, not because it's physically hard, but because to have a nice time, you have to be willing to let go of EVERYTHING. That is hard for me because I always have eighty million things in my head at once. Gotta let go of your anxiety and your inhibition and the I'm-not-good-enough feeling and all that mess and just let him seduce you. And not think about the past.
I wish sex wasn't shaped by all the stuff we did before we were married, when we were apart. Then it would be better. But we have a lifetime to get over it.
10/23: Our monthiversary and already we've been through a lot. They say that the first year is the hardest, and I suppose that's true. But I don't think it's really all that hard. Maybe because I have been mentally preparing myself for sheer hell and it hasn't been that. There have been times when I have questioned my decision, but I told myself that I could keep going. I guess what saved him the entire time was his family. You can never underestimate the importance of family, ever. It is more important than anyone knows in that moment you need them.
I still have that song running through my head: "Every girl is capable of murder... if you hurt her." The singer is super cute. Cady or Callie or something like that. I can't remember.
I don't see how girls can go to college and become so corrupted that they sleep with guys (1) they know have a girlfriend, (2) on the first date, (3) who have been their best friend's boyfriend... the list goes on.
Really, girls. Sex is better when you are married. Not just living together. MARRIED. There is a difference. Don't lie to yourselves. Don't let the media lie to you.
Cousins. I guess the closest thing we have to sisters. On my mom's side I am the only biological female cousin. My uncle adopted his stepdaughters, but they are not biologically related to my grandmother so they don't technically count. I liked to think of myself as my grandmother's favorite because I was the only girl. My husband is the only boy cousin on his mother's side. So I guess that made him the favorite; when his grandparents died, he got all their stuff. The girl cousins were a little jealous, but I guess this all goes back to male supremacy.
It hurts like hell to be cheated on. It makes you question everything. Am I no good? Can I ever trust again? What does the other person have that I don't? Will he do it again? And the answers to those questions are: You are good. It's not you, it's him. Yes, you can trust again, but it takes time. The other person doesn't have anything that you don't. The other person is actually stupid for doing it with someone they're not married to.
You don't know if he will do it again. I guess you have to trust that he won't.
Trying to figure out why I'm having such a hard time. I guess because I didn't listen to my intuition, which has turned out to be right the majority of the time. I need to write a blog post and express my feelings, but they are not fit for public consumption. I guess in a way, this is like blogging. Need to stop using "I guess" and "I think" before everything because it's weak.
My online persona is far different from my real-life persona. Real life just feels like a soap opera now, full of drama and mystery.
I finally have family now. I used to enjoy the days when my family and I would go to restaurants together as a big group. Get the party room, make a lot of noise, and drive the poor waitstaff crazy. I get to have that again, and it's brought so much joy to my life. I love my new family.
And I love my husband. He does his best. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I am glad he's the one I married; I want him and nobody else. I am bonded to him and will be for life.
I spent last night
burning headlights into my eyes
by staring at the rush of oncoming traffic.
No one would stop to consider me.
Sometimes their eyes were downcast.
Their was nothing lovely about them.
They were shapeless blobs in their cars,
sometimes staring at screens.
Their music is minimalist. The blur of bass says nothing.
I am compelled to scream so they awaken
before they crash.
I sometimes get these depressing thoughts. I need be reminded to not listen to modern music anymore. The Weekend (or however you spell it) will do that to you. So will Seether and others.
There was something I wanted to write about in 100 Words today, but I can't remember what it was. Something personal, like about sex or pregnancy or both. We are cheating a little bit with NFP and not being as conservative as we're supposed to be. We saw a baptism and wanted a baby, so I said last night could be whatever it was. I am open to life, don't get me wrong. But I want to be a little more established. Even so, one is never ready for a baby. You just get ready in the way you can.
11/2: I didn't write for four days. Don't know how I forgot about that. Guess I got too involved in work. It is a fine balance between being a wife and work. Depends on how demanding your husband is. Mine usually isn't too demanding, but it all depends... I hope he didn't read the ref. Usually if guys read it, they end up hating my guts because I was honest. I'm not allowed to be brutally honest in my own journal? I don't get that. I write whatever the hell I want. If it's offensive, then so be it.
11/2: I'm attempting NaNoWriMo this year, but I'm not really enthused about my project, nor do I expect to win. It's just words on the page. I'm thinking I can get caught up at the airport on Saturday, but maybe not. Saturdays are supposed to be really busy for the airport. This Disney hotel is strange. There isn't enough Mickey Mouse, and I'm glad this isn't my first conference, so at least I know what to expect. I'm going to fill my schedule up with sessions so my mind is kept busy. It will be good to have them.
The Tip Jar