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Down to the wire! Less than a month! It's only about 22 days left! I'm so excited that I can hardly breathe, yet there is still so much work left to be done. I'm worried that my centerpieces will look crappy, but if all else fails, I can get some fake flowers from Michael's or some real flowers from the grocery store. That ought to do the trick. I just hope everything goes according to plan... and that I can make a plan. I have no real idea where to begin, but I guess I have to start somewhere, right?
He is here, sleeping in the next room. And I feel quiet and contemplative. I wanna sneak in and cuddle up next to him but there is stuff to be done. I am under the greatest deadline of my life, more threatening than all the work deadlines of the past five years put together, even the one where we submitted the proposal five minutes before it was due.
I thought about how it was to watch him sleep in filmy silence, and how there was something poetic about it. My master lay down in my house, so who is the master now?
9/4: If you miss a day, they start to pile up on you rapidly. I still have so much to do, and there isn't even enough time to relax and compose my to-do list. I literally have to sit down and get my head straight. I can't really think on the go because I need to focus on driving or on the other person I'm with. I can't multitask and nobody can. They just trick themselves into believing that they can. My wedding is in 18 or 19 days, depending on which countdown you look at. There's hardly any time to do anything.
The high Latin Mass that I don't feel worthy to attend. I read a weird book. I thought, based on the cover, that it was going to be a light, fluffy story, but it wasn't at all. It was depressing and it involved drugs, prostitution, murder... any kind of debauchery there is, you name it, it was in the book. I mean, I liked the author's writing style, but it was so outlandish it had me wondering how people can read fiction. I used to read it all the time, but this is my first fiction book in a while and it's so... unbelievable.
I love him more every day. There is a certain quality about him, something that I see in him that he does not see in himself. A heartbreakingly good quality.
I read a story about a husband stabbing his wife because he had taken too much cough syrup (at least that was his excuse). When he woke from a dream, she was dead and bloody and there was a knife in his hand.
They had been married less than a year.
It disturbed me on many levels. They are the same age as my fiance and me.
The countdown keeps going! I'm excited to spend the rest of my life with him. He always knows how to keep things interesting. I just want to be better for him. I feel like I have stopped trying. I feel like I'm in a holding cell, just waiting for that day. Once it comes, it will be better. Things will be easier. He will have to be number one in my life (other than God), and I will be number one in his. I just feel like such a hypocrite sometimes, but I'm sure that it's all in my head.
Black Seven Day. I shouldn't even call it that anymore. It's Mama Mary's birthday eve. She is the birthday girl, the one who turns all the dirt to flowers. I can try, but I can't do a thing without her. I hope she's not up there in heaven with her eyebrow raised, wondering how I can be so disobedient. I just don't know how to act, really. I know the basics, but social etiquette is unfathomable to me. My life is average. I'm just a girl. Well, woman, really. They still look at me and think I'm only eighteen.
Won't be long! Today is Mama's birthday. She is my birthday girl; she turns my dirt to flowers. That was the song that was playing when I fell in love with you, when we were standing in line at Jersey Mike's and I thought that we could bring joy to each others' lives. I dreamed about you. You are the one I want to spend my life with because you. are. worth. it.
The weather changed and I am reminded of cuddling up to you in the cold. I am getting nostalgic for my little past with you.
I came back from a retreat today. It was the best retreat I've ever been on and I've been on a few. I desperately needed quiet time and alone time to reflect and think about what God has in store for me. This is definitely my vocation. I feel a sense of calm when I think about it. The confusion is melting away. Soon everything and myself will be at peace. There are two weeks until the wedding and I need to prepare myself with prayer and confession before I get all the rest of it together. Most of it is there.
Future husband made himself a smoothie and actually likes it. I wonder if you could add Mountain Dew to a smoothie. I think you probably could, but I don't know how it would taste. He let me have a sip of it and it was good for his first attempt, but it was too powdery because he has this fiber stuff he's supposed to put into it. I don't think he ground up the pear well enough, but at least the pear went in there whole with the skin and all. Laundry is going round and round and bills are paid.
The wedding nerves are starting to set in with less than two weeks to go. Not questioning my choice, but I wonder if he is questioning his. Why would anyone want to be with me? I'm pretty boring. There is nothing really exciting about me. I can tell you things and make you laugh, but I don't go on expensive trips or anything about that. I try to be happy with the minimal amount of stuff there is to have. Friends and family and love matter more to me than material crap that all turns into dust anyway. Bunch of garbage.
Sex makes everything more complicated. Yes, it's a beautiful thing. I understand that. But it engenders hatred in a way. Or maybe not hatred but flat-out annoyance. It brings to light all the issues that are in a relationship that need to be fixed. There has to be time to fix them. I'm tired of cramming everything into five minutes of conversation. These are whole-day issues. I'm sorry it's hard to solve them, but that's what you signed up for. You need to work harder, and so do I. This is what we are promising to do in a couple days.
Where I live there are two towns that have neat little acronyms:
It's kind of cute. But the sad thing is that it's true. I was part of an earlier wave of Yankees, and from what I heard from the Southerners, there's a difference between a Yankee and a damn Yankee. I'm a relocated Yankee and I love it down here, but then again, I don't remember much of what it was like up north. Expensive as hell and snowy and cold and generally probably not very nice, but the rural areas were really pretty.
There are only nine days left until the wedding. Let's make the most of them. I'm taking time off work to get all my crap together. Hopefully everyone understands it. I hate taking time off work unless there's a really good reason for it, and everyone has assured me that my own wedding is a very good reason. Nobody has to get married. This is something you are called to. The devil is trying to get me away from my calling. You have to be a clear-headed individual to get married. Not all mixed up with lust or anger.
We made it all the way through the month. Well, halfway through, but we are well within budget, so we are doing just fine. I'm proud of us. He's not an expensive person, but sometimes he buys stuff without thinking about it and there used to be no consequences, but this time there are.
This is my last day at work with my old last name. How strange to think of that. My old last name. I never thought I would change my name. But in a little over a week, I will be married. I've never been more excited!
The hurricanes could still mess up the wedding, and it's a week from today. Fiance snores in the next room. He slept on the couch away from me, which was better. We are right beside the teeth of temptation, tempting fate, but it won't be long now. As the chart says, I will be infertile when we finally get to have each other, but that part doesn't matter so much. I said I was going to consummate the marriage no matter what stage of the cycle we were in. So it will be what it will be. I keep dreaming of babies.
We crashed a party yesterday, but weirdly enough it was a party of friends, so we had a nice time. It feels so nice to be included after years of feeling as though I was out of center. Soon I will have my own party, and I don't like parties, but I've gotten a lot more used to them over the years. I just wish that my family was coming; they are scattered everywhere and most of them probably won't be able to make it. I'm going to make some cheese grits and forget all about it. Just glad I'm getting married.
Let your conscience be your guide.
Always a good message.
I think about my conscience all the time and whether it is well formed or not. I think the world has corrupted it all the time. All this inclusivity and gender neutral pronouns and feminism and other bullshit and garbage has infiltrated my brain.
Then you go on Tumblr and hear people bitching about their various illnesses and ailments. They are not happy people. If they got off the Internet and spent time in the real world, they would be a lot happier and they'd get out of their heads.
The air conditioning is on and I'm about to shut it off because it's driving me crazy. How do you resist the sex? It's almost impossible when you are attracted to someone so much and you are days away from spending your entire life with them. I can't wait until he is in my arms and I get to finally bond with him, merge with him, so our two bodies and souls become one entity. The other half of me. He was never very far away at all, but he seemed like he was an eternity away. All so romantic.
I'm worried about Adam at this wedding. Not sure what he's going to say or do or think. It really bothers me that he might do something crazy. I had a dream he brought a gun but that might be because I just saw a scary movie yesterday.
It was pretty good and faithful to the book. I thought it was a good idea to break it into two movies: one with the kids and the other with the adults.
On the upside, full steam ahead for the cruise. I just hope nothing happens at the wedding. Starting to get nervous.
Today is Matthew's saint's feast day, so I guess we had better repent. We are both great sinners, but if St. Matthew was called by Jesus and he was a great sinner, there is hope for us and everyone else. I guess I have to keep telling myself that. I bring hope.
My parents disappointed me yesterday. They were supposed to come see the apartment and they decided they were tired and didn't want to do it. I don't think they like me anymore now that I am grown up. Not to mention that my mom was getting pissed at my dad.
10/1: Back from vacation and haven't finished my 100 Words. I have about nine days' worth to catch up on. Anyway, the wedding was perfect even though the rehearsal was terrible. Some random lady from my church was more familiar with Hispanic and Filipino traditions in weddings and didn't really understand how an American wedding was supposed to go. Having never gone to a wedding before attending my own, I had no idea. I felt as though I didn't know what I wanted and got all tense and nervous and crazy. People probably thought I was nuts, but that's OK.
10/1: After the disastrous rehearsal, the wedding was very nice. Everyone said it was picture perfect (but if it was terrible, would they have said that to my face?). No point in thinking too much about it now because then I'll start to overanalyze. We have a lot of "aftermath" type things to deal with like changing my name and reviewing all the vendors and telling all our friends how awesome they were so they could review them too.
I think my favorite part of the wedding was just hanging out in the altar server room with my bridesmaids.
10/1: Nothing is going to go my way. I have to give and give constantly to the point of exhaustion. This is what marriage is. I'm going to do my best, even though I'm full of ideals. I didn't want to change him, but we are both going to have to change to suit each other. I want us to be happy together, not miserable. I need compromise and patience and a sense of humor. These are the things I keep hearing about over and over. Compromise and love and all of that. I need to change my name.
10/1: Ideals will only get you so far. I'm going back to work tomorrow, and I don't know if I'm ready. I'm wanting to take another entire week just to go through things and make sure everything is OK, but life rolls on without you whether you are ready or not. I used to think I could stay ahead of life, but the reality is that I can't. I'm not trying to be perfect. I just want to be adequate and ahead of the curve most of the time. Because if I'm not ahead, I'll get behind really fast.
I love my Matthew. He says stuff like "I want pizza tonight. That's what I want." Or "I need a hug. That's what I need." Something like that. He makes me ridiculously happy, and I guess that's what's needed. We probably drive each other crazy at times. I know I piss him off. He pisses me off. It's hard to be a perfect wife. It's hard to be a wife in general, but every now and then you have to stop playing and just live life. I thought I was worried about getting pregnant and all of the stuff that comes with it.
10/1: If I get pregnant, it will be what it will be. The rule of marriage is to be open to children, and I am. I just wanted to wait a little while by using the rules of natural family planning. Is that too much to ask? To wait a year? To establish ourselves as this one-flesh union, united under the same last name, the same bond of love? I don't think it's too much to ask, but maybe all the stuff I ask for is too much. I have never changed my mind. I have stood my ground.
10/1: Another yeast infection, as I imagined it. Too many things happened to count and I'm stressed just thinking of all the stuff I have to get done. I'll break it down and do it day by day. Hopefully it will all work out. The bills won't need to go to a collection agency. I think too hard about all these things. I am selfish and a pig sometimes. I don't think about others because I am waiting for them to think about me. I didn't want to be that way, but I have to beat the hell out of myself.
10/1: And by beat the hell out of myself, I mean that literally. He lies asleep in the next room, the man I am supposed to bring to heaven by my side. We will live many years together. Today is only the beginning. We have been married for one week and one day and it has been a joyful marriage thus far, although it's already had its ups and downs. There will be many more of those in the years to come. It is a matter of being patient. I will get to do things I want but it will be slow.
10/1: Is it so bad to want time? Time to write and read and think and contemplate. Will he be pissed at me for leaving him alone in the bed by himself? Perhaps the apartment is filled with demons. The week leading up to the wedding made me think of demons, but that might have been because I was super stressed. I could have planned my entire vacation, but he hates planning things because it stresses him out, yet he will plan in the abstract. He will make a plan with no deadline and never reach it. With help he will.
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