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I can be just as driven as the next over-achiever. It depends on what time of day it is and how much coffee I've had.
We have these little reforms and falling-outs and whatever else there is. The moral of the story? Don't get involved in someone who is five years younger than you. I read a news article about a woman who got pregnant by an 11-year-old kid. That's pretty sick. I don't know what they see in "men" that are that young, unless the kid looked far older than he was, which is possible.
A tanker spilled milk into a creek. Breaking news.
Currently debating with myself about whether I should cancel my paid WordPress plan entirely or just downgrade to a less expensive plan. I like having my own URL and no ads on my site and some ability to customize. But I don't know if I use the blog often enough to justify it. I enjoy it, though, and that should be a good enough reason. I think $3 per month would be fine. If I'm that squeezed, I can always cancel.
Blogging is a way to maintain control, in some way.
7/5: Back at work after the accident. It feels weird to know that everything went on without me. What a weirdness. They had their little bagel socials and farewell parties to retiring employees and random donut breaks without me. That's OK. To a degree, even after working here for five years, I still don't feel as though I really belong here. Like I'm faking it. I'm just an immature brat, really. But I need to do what Matthew was told to do and replace negative thoughts with positive thoughts. I guess that's it. My mouse and keyboard feel funny.
7/5: You know that song the Cupid Shuffle? I think they're saying "down down booty dance" but I'm pretty sure they're really saying "now now do your dance." Either way, it's a fun song and I used to hate it, but now I like it and I was mad because I couldn't dance to it yesterday when they played it before the fireworks display. Maybe next year, but I suspect that next year I will be so pregnant I won't be able to dance either. Hoping not. I don't want a baby this soon, but God has been playing tricks.
Still have Cupid Shuffle stuck in my head, and it will probably be there until I get a different song stuck. The weirdest thing about it all is that I was trying not to be distracted by listening to music. I don't text and drive and I hardly ever talk on the phone and drive. I was saying the rosary when the accident happened. Sometimes it doesn't matter how careful you are. Other people may not be as careful. I guess that's just how life is. Random stuff happens, and you have to deal with it as best as you can.
I've been in such an ugly mood. I was under-caffeinated yesterday, and I think that caused most of it. Didn't feel like talking to anybody, so I put my phone on silent and drove to all the stores on my list, dropped off the planet for about three hours and it turns out everyone was worried as hell looking for me and didn't know where I was. Irresponsible, yes? Yeah, probably. I have to be a better adult. Not sure what else there is to do. Just get up and get out and get on with my crazy life.
I've never been more irritated in all my life. (As a side note, I've used the phrase "I've never been more ______ in my life" more often in this year than I have in any other year in the past.) I hate feeling like I'm not allowed to complain. Be grateful you're alive. Be grateful it wasn't worse. Be grateful you have people who love you. I am grateful, yeah. But I don't see why I am still alive. I don't see what the point is. I don't see why they love me when I do nothing for them. I don't reach out. I don't keep in touch. Why do you people love me? I don't get it.
7/10: Been neglecting my 100 words in favor of my fiance, which is how it should be. It has been a very weird month, but it feels like things are finally going back to normal. What is normal? I have no idea almost. Normal has been so elusive lately. I guess when I mean normal, I mean a time of stability when no one is jumping around expecting anything new. Or being impatient waiting for the next thing. I am good with what I have for the time being. I have too much and can't process it all.
7/10: We as a nation are so fixated on getting things done. I suppose that is my addiction, if we supposedly all have addictions. Getting things done, taking care of business, making sure everything is in its proper place. I really do get out of sorts when stuff is messy and disorganized because I feel like my brain is out of control. I feel better when I know exactly what direction to go in, what the next steps are, and what I can do to be better in the future. I know what I can do, but I just need to do it.
His grandparents were born on July 6 and July 10. We were born on June 3 and June 7. His grandmother's birthday was first, my birthday is first. The birthdays are four days apart. His grandmother was older than his grandfather. I am older than him. They got engaged after only six months of dating. So did we. There are many parallels. Many quirky-dirks. So much weirdness.
I was going to come up with a story about the new distracted driving epidemic. Texting, talking on the phone, messing with infotainment (I hate that word) systems... a good idea.
The wedding invitations printed beautifully. (Well, the first one did. Haven't done the others yet.) I used to hate the Coldplay song "Viva La Vida" and now I love it because I have a nice music video for it in my head. A guy is on top of the world, he's got everything he wants, then gets in a car crash and destroys his fancy car. He's standing at the window of his hospital room and singing the song, but the reality is he's dead and has gone to hell ("Saint Peter won't call my name"). It is rather sad.
Overstimulation and understimulation can feel the same. Both make you overwhelmed. I hate when you get so bored that you don't want to do anything to relieve your boredom. Overstimulation puts you in a state of paralysis because you have so many things to do that you do not know what to do first. They both paralyze you into doing nothing at all and lead to no productivity, which is the buzzword of the day.
I have to be the best. I will not rest until I am the best. But what and who can ever be the best?
Yesterday felt like a kind of turning point. I realized that God is in control of my life. I never did rule my own world, although for a long time I had the illusion of control. I thought that if I constructed a nice, safe environment for myself, I would never have to do anything hard or could get through life with relative ease. What a lie. Life is intrinsically hard, and my little construction has been falling to pieces. Somehow I am managing, I guess by the grace of God. It is God, not me, that is pulling me along.
Sometimes the no-name cereals taste terrible. The Great Value brand of "toasted oats" has nothing to do with Cheerios. They don't even look the same. I mean, they're food and they're edible; don't get me wrong, but they just don't taste right. The bag was also very hard to get open and it has a slit down the side, and the cereal never pours correctly when that happens, so most of it ends up at the bottom of the box. Man. Here I was trying to save a few cents, then I end up with absolutely nothing left. Weird.
7/18: Working on 100 words when I should be doing other things. Getting caught up. We finally managed to get an apartment. Now it's just a matter of setting up utilities and renters' insurance and getting the TWC guy to come out and set up the box. Oh, wait. Time Warner is actually Spectrum. But they still have the same subpar customer service. Nothing I can really say about that. The guy I spoke to on the phone sounded like he was fresh outta high school. Or maybe he was just in college with an internship. I don't know.
7/19: Still didn't get caught up on my 100 words, which I am doing right now. I have lots of cool story ideas bubbling up in my head. I guess it must be that time of the year. I think Camp NaNo is going on, but I am so far behind the times that I may be misinterpreting it. I hardly know what to say anymore. Just rambling. Saying the same stuff over and over again. Honestly, I just want to read a book. But I will have a meeting tomorrow. Two meetings, actually. That will be enough for me.
7/19: I knew there was something to be said for marking charts on a calendar. I wish I could pull up my 2001 calendar and see all the details of when I first started bleeding. I marked it down like a good little schoolgirl and it reliably appeared every month since then. But there is so much more to it than that. So I wouldn't take hormonal contraceptives even if they paid me. I get the feeling they would be a huge headache, even if I didn't think they were immoral. Putting all those hormones that you don't need...
7/19: I had 158 emails when I came back from a two-day break. It would have been 500 had I been gone the entire week. I'm hopelessly tired. Just want to sit down with a book and read. Or else stare at the pages and think about life as the words sit before my eyes. I also want to write something wild and existentialist, but I don't really have the spare time I need to sit down for three uninterrupted hours. Everything falls back into the way it was, but I want to make some changes and beat shyness.
Have no idea how to do my wedding centerpieces. I guess it's just gonna hafta be how it is. I'm tired of people asking me what the next step is, what I have to do... like I'm not getting it done. I guess because they will say stuff no matter what I do so I have to just not care. Disproportionate influence. I don't even want to say it on here because I know what it means.
Mommy's all right
Daddy's all right
They just seem a little weird
But don't give yourself away
So I guess I got to trust them.
Certain songs just seem to fit. "Hard Times" by Paramore is annoying because I don't care for Hayley Williams. She strikes me as one of those annoying people who has hair dye and tattoos and thinks she is awesome because of that. That's always irked me. Maybe it's because I have never dyed my hair or gotten any tattoos and a part of my subconscious wants that.
Anyway, I'm trying to separate my concerns into legitimate concerns versus cognitive distortions. No sense in bringing up the latter when they're crazy and only manage to hurt people's feelings. Keeping mouth shut.
"Are the puppies ready? Are the puppies ready?" Like they're biscuits and not quite brown enough from the oven. Nature is a process, nature takes time. I bet you'll be asking "Is the baby ready? Is the baby ready?" when it's time for that. The little creature determines its own time. It follows no one's time frame but its own, and I shouldn't even say that it follows its own. It follows God's timing. His timing is perfect. Don't rush it and don't question it. It is what it is. The puppies haven't opened their eyes. The baby is a blastocyst. It's OK.
It's supposed to feel like more than 100 degrees today, and it's not Arizona heat. It's muggy, sticky North Carolina heat, so it feels as though a matted cat is sitting on your chest unable to get off. I got my grits, so I should be good. I got my milk. I'm gonna drink gallons of water. I'm doing the best I can to stay cool, especially when we have to walk around the car dealership. Why did they schedule that meeting for the middle of the afternoon? Because they are Southern and they are used to the heat. Not me.
7/24: Dang. Could've sworn I wrote yesterday. We're going to get another new car if everything works out. For some reason, this is all coming together at the worst time and we're almost in August already. Still have no idea what kind of table decorations I want. I'm afraid my parents will not pay for this wedding or will complain about paying. Yet they won't let me pay for it myself. I feel like they're disappointed with me for leaving the family, which doesn't make sense. This feeling is probably all in my head and not substantiated by reality.
School is useless because all you learn how to do is socialize and not how to actually get along in the real world, like deal with insurance companies and time management and things of that ilk. I give compliments, I say nice things, and I try to be a good person, but it all seems to fall flat sometimes. I shouldn't get punished for something that wasn't my fault, but I guess that's how the world works. They don't teach you that crap at school. They really should. We ought to sue the school system for negligence, but they didn't teach me how to get a lawyer.
I'm about to start zoning out shortly. Can't concentrate. Can you catch ADHD from using smartphones? I'm starting to think that you can. My life is average. I have nothing better to do with myself right now.
She ran a red light because she wasn't paying attention. She didn't even notice that the light was red. She just ran right through it. I didn't want to startle her, so I said nothing. Her son had run the same red light just days before. I think people do that all the time. It's up too high and it's hard to see.
Another cool idea for a story: It's a sort-of sci-fi thing, which is odd for me because I normally find sci-fi confusing. A weird vehicle called "The Wrecker" sometimes randomly appears on the road. All vehicles in a certain vicinity spontaneously wreck. Every time you drive it's like gambling. There is no such thing as insurance anymore. Distracted driving is a plague. Basically, if you go out on the road at any given day, you have a 50% chance of death. Most people are abandoning cars, but the brave (or crazy) few are still managing to drive.
7/28: The birthday of a dear old friend. I say that with a bit of sarcasm. What kind of friend waits until you break up with your boyfriend, then snatches him up without a word to you? She thought I hated her. No, I didn't hate her. I was just suspicious and I was obviously right to me. Honestly, she could have asked for my boyfriend. I would have given him to her as a charitable donation. (If that's not the mark of a true-blue bitch, I don't know what is.) I'm tired of people thinking that I hate them.
I apparently give people a look. The look of exasperation, and it has nothing to do with me not liking them. It has everything to do with me just getting fed up with people in general. I don't like to socialize. It's more nerve-wracking and torturous than fun. I mean, I do like to socialize sometimes, but it's work for me. I'd rather just sit home and read a book or write something or watch some stupid crap on YouTube. Going out costs money. Books cost nothing if you get them from the library. Ideas are always free.
Cleaning out my room in preparation for the move. I told myself I wasn't going to take much, but now that I really look at it, there is so much that I need and/or want to take and/or have to take. It's kind of madness. You accumulate so much stuff in your lifetime, most of it stuff that ends up getting thrown away when you're dead because there is no real value to it, only fake value that you attribute to it for sentimental reasons.
Finally managing to burn some songs onto a USB drive to listen in the car!
7/31: I keep coming up with new awesome ideas for the story, but as always I don't know if the premise is strong enough, and I don't want to have a premise where the fate of the entire world is at stake. I hate those superhero movie scenarios because they're a bunch of bombast with no meaning. I want a quieter story with some action but not so much that it destroys a person's brain cells. Yes, I want my audience to be energized while reading the book or watching the movie but I also want them to think.
Today is Harry Potter's birthday, if you happen to be a fan of the franchise. I used to be a big fan before the entire thing got huge, then because it got huge, it got less fun because everyone was into it. I mean, you'd think I'd be glad that people were into what I was into, but I'm the opposite. If people get into what I like, I tend to move away from that thing. Or I feel as though my uniqueness is being taken away. I know realistically that it can never happen, but it's how it feels to me.
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