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3/2: Day 1 and I'm already behind. Tired as hell. The thing with that is, I'm not physically tired. It's just that my eyes are tired. The rest of my body is all right. Finally finished my meeting notes and they took forever. I'm planning for the wedding and it's getting a little bit better. Got a bunch of stuff off my enormous to-do list, but it's still a thousand miles long and there's no way of cutting through it. If I take just a few minutes a day to get my thoughts in order, I should be good.
Still trying to get stuff done before I have to go to bed. Fiance is like an Energizer Bunny. He keeps on going and going and going. If you wanna keep up with Mateo, you've got to hurry the f*** up. Weird. I used to feel funny about using curse words, then in middle school, I said my first curse word, then I began to use them all the time. It was like coming down the slippery slope.
It's always cold in Minnesota. And Nebraska. I wish I lived in Nebraska sometimes. With no one around. It makes no sense.
3/4: ADHD. It may or may not wreck my life. What is the difference between dealing with ADHD versus dealing with a physical illness? Quite a bit. I would be naive to think that my life was going to be easy or that I was going to get off scot-free somehow. But I made my bed and I have to lie in it, boogers and snot after all. I don't say no after I have made up my mind to say yes. It will take a helluva lot of getting used to, but we will manage what we can.
Editing on a tight time frame, but it's volunteer work, so it's not like I'm getting paid...
Bad mentality. Do as much good as you can for others. Be of good courage, and He shall strengthen thine heart. Words from the daily bread promise box come back to me years later to remind me to follow in the footsteps of Christ.
He only cares on a superficial level, but I can't take it personally. I'm not a horribly deep or intelligent person. I do things to get by. I'm a humble girl. I want the simple things in life.
I'm writing this entry while sitting in Sheetz. What is reasonable? I don't know what "reasonable" is anymore. I can't do this thing without getting commitment. I feel too immature for this. I feel as though he will get bored of me and look for other people (i.e., females) to talk to, and it will be no real fault of my own, but I will still be the fool because I "allowed" him to do that. He's not a little kid. He has a mind of his own and he needs to use it. If he can't, then that's his issue.
Got that song by Blind Melon stuck in my head. Wonder what that means. It irritates me when restaurants play music so loud that you can't hear the conversation going on around you. Sheetz is bad for that; they have the same music pumping through the entire place: the bathroom, the eating area, the gas pumps... Don't get me wrong; it's not bad music, it's just that it's overdone and way too loud. The Sheetz I go to most often seems to enjoy playing that Blind Melon song over and over. It's a good song, but it gets annoying after awhile.
Everyone's got availability today for some odd reason. My project work got pushed back, which is a disappointment because this is my favorite project that I like working on more than any other (doesn't that by definition mean it's the favorite?). Fiance is going to late class tonight, so I doubt I see him. I can't help that I miss him even when I saw him just the other day. Our priest says there will come a time when we look at each other and think... Not so-and-so again! That's humanity. We grow weary with sameness and demand change.
No one to come to my wedding? What a shame? No bridesmaids. I am tired of people thinking that just because I'm a female, I automatically have a posse of giggling, simpering females. Nope. Never had, never will. My female friends are all many years older or many years younger or not even human. I don't trust women my own age. I never have. There's no concrete reason for this. Probably some trust issue that could be traced back to some Freudian complex that started before I could walk. How am I supposed to fix something that I don't understand?
I am so not OK. I feel like nothing ever gets solved and I am stuck with lingering issues that might cause bigger issues down the road. Have to get over them now because time is running very short. What about my free will decision? Being under duress does not cause me to make good decisions. So if you are under duress, then it is not free will. If I feel hurried or rushed, it is not free will. I signed the paper, I am in forever. I should not have any issues. I should have ecstatic joy. So much.
MAR10 day. I wonder what the display on the clocks in public schools looks like now. Probably all digital. Nobody knows how to read an analog clock anymore.
More millennials are on antidepressants and antianxiety medications. I wonder if this is because their parents coddled them. The helicopter parenting phenomenon has done a lot of damage. It kills a child's self-esteem and sense of agency to have a parent who is always in their business, who takes things out of their hands, who doesn't let them try and fail and try again. Parents mean well, but it's not right.
3/12: Tapping out these 100 words on a new tablet that I just bought because I accidentally destroyed Matthew's by dropping it and shattering the screen. You wanna know something else? I also (accidentally, I swear) destroyed his parents' post outside by running it over with my car. This morning I said to myself, "If this is the worst thing that happens all week, then I guess I had a pretty good week." Well, I'd say destroying an expensive tablet is much worse, but I was able to buy a new one.
Going to have the ability to work with you on a regular basis and I will have to be the best way to get the best way of getting the most important thing to remember that you can get it done before the end of the day and night and the other side effects and drug interactions analysis and a half hour of my friends list and a lot of people who want the best way to get the best way to get the best way to get the best way to get the best way to get the best way to get the best way to get the (this could almost be a poem if the tablet could write poetry).
Blah! Have a lot to do and realizing that I should have deleted my history. I kept telling myself to do it and never did and now all my "personal" information could be in the public eye. By public I don't really mean public, but I guess that's all right. There is no telling what the NSA or the TSA or whatever government agency will do with my information once they have it. They might decide to do something notorious. I'm just babbling; ignore me. I've decided to return that tablet. It's pretty much useless to me. Too expensive and ridiculous.
Give the gift of ibuprofen to a woman who is experiencing the pain of the good ol' time o' the month. Give the gift of headache relief to someone suffering from anxiety or a migraine.
I was looking at one of my brother's old binders, and on it, I saw "FMFL" written, and the only thing I could think of was "fuck my fucking life" and I thought he had a worse mentality than I ever could have imagined. At one point, he was suicidal. I need to pray long and hard for him. He needs my prayers.
"A hungry need is a dangerous need" says a wise person who writes on this site (or used to write here). I would say that a starving need is even worse. Because then you get sucked into stuff that you might not necessarily want to deal with. I got a headache yesterday because all the stuff in my head was ganging up on me and making me feel anxious. It's pretty much over now, but it will gang up again and I will need to be ready for it when it does. Why are we all on antidepressants these days?
What time is it? Time to stop constantly being worried about what time it is! I have a thought that if I'm going to be late or concerned about getting somewhere on time, I avoid looking at clocks at all costs and instead just focus on getting there. Then when I finally get there and I do look at the clock, I see that I wasn't actually late at all. I get paranoid about being places on time. Certain places, it really doesn't matter, but if you have a job interview or something that costs money, you better be on it.
I'm not wearing green, so I guess I'm gonna get pinched. I love my fiance; he's so smart. He knows all this medical stuff and is way better than me in terms of being "out there" and being "available" for people. Such a good guy. I'm glad that I chose him. I knew I did something right. I realize I need to be happier but not an optimist because if I'm in a pile of shit, then I need to know I'm in a pile of shit and not try to make light of an obviously shitty situation (pun intended).
3/20: Back in the day I used to be stupid with the Internet and do all kinds of dumb things.
I worry about kids these days. High anxiety, high stress, and their mothers and fathers putting pressure on them to succeed. I mean, come on. Your kid is going to be a normal person, most likely. She's not going to be the next Mia Hamm or the next Lady Gaga. He's not going to be the next president or the next business magnate-turned-president. Get over yourselves. Raise your kid to be a good person. That's it.
3/20: Why do I have so much anger? I wish I could be more gentle and loving and sweet. I am so filled with false righteousness and judgment. I ask God every day to help me love more and lust less and stop using people. I can't help the time of the month I'm in, but I'm supposedly stronger than my hormones. Sometimes I think I'm led by them. Is that a mortal sin? What removes all doubt? How can we be sure that what we are doing is a mortal sin? What does God think? Can we ask Him?
I'm not going to freak out. I'm going to depend on God for everything and be OK with my sins. I mean, not be totally OK with them, but remember that I'm a human being and I will sin. It's a matter of getting back up and trying again. But how can I try when I am so weak? I guess I have to build up my fortitude and I feel like I messed up and can't try again, but I know it's the devil making me feel that way. Get behind me, ol' Scratch. I have nothing to say to you.
Lots of stuff to get done. Phone calls to make. The rest of my life is going to be a phone call. You have to take care of the people you love. They don't require anything, but you need to be there for them. I'm not used to being with people who don't need me. If you are aloof, I won't think anything of it because I'm the same way. I try to be as understanding as possible. I try to love with all my heart, even when it's not the easiest task in the world. I'm imperfect. So imperfect.
He arrives at work super early, before the lights in the building come on. He dresses the same every day, and he even carries his pens and pencils in a neat little pocket protector attached to his button-down shirt. He goes in each of the offices, turning off the lights to save electricity he doesn't pay for. He used to drink eight to ten cups of coffee a day and was a heavy smoker, but he's stopped that now in favor of tea. He wants to live longer, so he can work more. He wants to give his kids a good life.
Have to work on a report today. Only six months till the wedding and there is so much to do. All the big stuff is over, but now I'm onto the little things. I didn't waste any time. Well, I did waste some time, but I think it's OK at certain times. I was thinking about that boy again. The one who walked quickly without looking back because he had somewhere to go. A stall in which to enclose himself so his lack of gallbladder wouldn't get the best of him. He has no gall, no bravery, yet somehow he is brave.
If someone really gets on your nerves, it means that you don't love them enough.
There are a few people like that, mostly people who remind me very strongly of myself. Does that mean, if I don't like them, then by extension, I don't love myself enough? I think that's true. I tend to expect more out of myself than I can possibly achieve in reality. I tend to push myself very hard. I put others before myself, even to the point of causing pain to myself. Perhaps the others I dislike have those same traits. More love needed.
3/27: I despise Facebook. Fiance wants me to get on there after we're married, but I disagree with that notion. He made an account for me, but I deleted it. I can't get back on Facebook. There is too much drama, too many misunderstandings, too many people from the past I never want to see again, too many instances where I could fall into sin by comparing myself with others, and not enough goodness. Yes, I understand that fiance wants to use Facebook for good, to spread good messages, and that works for him. But Facebook makes me sick.
3/27: Back to Facebook making me sick. It literally does make me sick to my stomach. Not that I was bullied on there or anything, but it displays all this crap that I really don't want to see and could care less about. I remember in college when I had Facebook and I'd check it first thing in the morning. My heart would be pounding and my blood pressure would be up, and I'd literally get sick and have to go to the bathroom. I was that ill over it. Getting rid of it was a huge weight gone.
I mean, I understand that Facebook can also be used to connect with family members and friends that you otherwise wouldn't be able to connect with. So I could get on Facebook for just family and friends. Fiance's family, my family, my family from church, and a handful of friends who don't spread drama around. Block everybody else. But I still think it's ludicrous and a waste of time. I'll stick with my blog and this site, where no drama happens. I'm a simple creature with simple needs. I hate things that overcomplicate. If I could, I'd go back to a flip phone.
I wonder if brick and mortar stores as we know them will be virtually gone in 20 years. GameStop is closing stores. Basically anything you want can be ordered online, but nothing beats the fun of going to a store and browsing until you see something you want. It's like a treasure hunt in a way. Sears, Macy's, JCPenney, Staples... they're all going out of business. All that's left will be the food stores, then when companies like Blue Apron take over, there won't even be that. Everything will be delivered by mail. All that's on the road will be FedEx.
Paranoid delusions and feelings of aliens attacking. Were all the saints schizophrenic or bipolar? Did they just hallucinate the stigmata? Were their visions just products of an imbalance in hormones or of improper communication between the dopamine receptors the brain? I'm really not sure. Nobody knows except God. I do know that mentally ill people have a lot to teach us, and we would do well to learn from them. They live a life of humility. They don't rely on themselves well, so they humbly rely on others. I wish I could be as humble. These are good examples to follow.
I think I have a lifetime ban from Amazon... they seriously don't like me because I simply tried to change my password. Got locked out of all my accounts and everything. This happened two years ago. I tried to create a new account now, and they won't let me do it. They'll let me order initially, but they will shut me down and not provide an adequate answer. I guess I don't mean much in the empire of Jeff Bezos. Whatever. I can use eBay or go to old-fashioned brick-and-mortar stores. No need for all this mess.
I don't know what to do. I feel like God is pissed at me and he's saying USE YOUR HEAD STUPID, when I always try to use my head, overthink, and wind up horribly upset. Nothing is ever easy, and I don't know what to do. I'm feeling lost and confused when this should be the happiest time in my life. I'm feeling anything but carefree. There are too many issues to deal with, so much weight, and a retracing of past steps that I can't ignore. I can't turn back to Egypt. I must move and get out.
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