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BY M

01/01 Direct Link
1/2: Starting the new year off behind on my batches. It's hard to believe that 10 years ago was 2007. I never imagined such a thing in my life. The year 2007 always seemed like it was right there, looming up behind me like a ghost to haunt me.†

But 2017 is new and it's going to involve the rest of my life and the need for planning every aspect... if I can sit down long enough to plan. That's going to make me crazy. I can't imagine having to bounce ideas off another person forever, but that's how it is.
01/02 Direct Link
I have a lot to do today. Have to see if the parish office is open so I know what date to tell everybody else. If there is a wedding going on on my wedding day, I don't know what to say. I want my church to be the venue. They have a little hall that used to be the old church, and that's where I went for close to 11 years now. I never thought I would get married at all, let alone at a place like that. You people talk too much and I have nothing else to say.
01/03 Direct Link

Typing my 100 words in Microsoft Word to paste into the website later because the Internet is dead, and the only person who can fix it is my dad and heís in the hospital. My mom and I are both Luddites. I wish I knew a little bit more about computers or routers or modems or whatever it is thatís causing me to not have Internet. But the upside to this is that I made sopapillas and I read the Bible and I did good today. Itís hard coordinating around a million different people, but itís what you have to do in life.

01/04 Direct Link
1/5: Agh, I miss him and it sucks. You never know how close you can get to a person until they're gone. Or not there. Or whatever it is. I miss him horribly. I just wish I had something better to do other than sleep. I could read. I suspect that I'm going to get caught up in writing this weekend, or at least get to a point where I can get my thoughts together. Maybe write a short story or figure something else out.†

AND I CAN CHANGE MY USERNAME ON HERE TO MATEO'S FLOWER AS IT WAS MEANT TO BE!!
01/05 Direct Link
Chatting with everybody about everything. Baby names were mentioned. Future husband wants nine kids. He's going to be lucky if he gets seven out of my tiny body. Sku-uh! I don't even know how to spell that. These 100 words are getting more random by the second.†

I really want to play Unreal Tournament again. That would be awesome if I could bring all those old-school games back and have a LAN party. But first, I have to act like an adult. But that's boring! It doesn't always have to be boring. Here I go arguing with myself.†
01/06 Direct Link
The first snowflakes are a-fallin' and I'm looking forward to a snowed-in weekend, but I don't like the idea of missing church and not getting to see my Matthew... I miss him greatly. I think this is the longest we've been apart since we met, and I don't know what else to say about that.†

In other words... beer from a Keurig? For some reason, that just doesn't sound appetizing. Do they even make coffee percolators anymore? I want one that will last the entire length of my marriage. Like the one my parents have. It's old-school.
01/07 Direct Link
Reading about this guy who claims he is a horrible Catholic, but he seems that he is just like the rest of us. Makes me feel better about myself as an atrocious sinner. I think I might write about this book on my blog. Better start queuing up some posts for this week, although I don't know what I'm going to say. A person so lonely... reach out on the Internet but everyone's asleep. Nobody to contact as it is four in the morning on the West Coast. But I remembered that nobody I know even lives on the West Coast anymore.†
01/08 Direct Link
Peter Kreeft needs to be named a doctor of the Catholic Church just for his illuminating writings that lead people closer to Christ.†

My fiance is literally the man of my dreams. No joke. I dreamed about him, name and all, twice. There were probably other times, but I would have to find them. He was always lurking around somewhere in my subconscious.

I was afraid my laptop stopped working the other day. The rule of poverty would have me chuck the thing out the window and be done with it, but alas, I need it for writing. Woot.
01/09 Direct Link
Trying to find venue for wedding reception in the event that I don't get the parish hall. Everything is ludicrously expensive and above my pay grade. Getting to the time of the month where I question everything and get in a blind rage at myself for the smallest things. I have no idea what to do about life and I don't seem as "put together" as others, but here I go comparing myself when I should just love myself for who I am and not even pay attention to the cognitive distortions that run rampant in my crazy head.†
01/10 Direct Link
Agh, I can't concentrate worth a darn. Everything is looking like it will fall into place, if I can only stop this perfectionism and just enjoy life. I really do think that the root of the shyness is perfectionism. I never thought about that before, but now that I think about it, it all makes sense. I have been mislabeling my problem for a long time. I better clean my glasses, literally and metaphorically. They have been preventing me from seeing what is in front of my face. I have had the mirror held up to me too many times to count.†
01/11 Direct Link
This is the craziest thing. I can't believe I'm actually going to buy a house. I have enough money and credit to do it. Seventh-grade self wouldn't have believed it.

Question for all those who read these words (if you do, I hope you don't because I know I'm dreadfully boring): Do you ever think about what your past selves would think of your present-day self? I think about that all the time and try to figure whether they would be proud of me. I think today they would. I'm being an adult for once in my life.†
01/12 Direct Link
1/15: Venues. I found out that I cannot use the parish hall as a venue. I want to have it at a restaurant, so the food is taken care of and I won't have to pay for catering. But the venue must also have a dance floor so I can flop around awkwardly to music. This crap stresses me out because event planning is so not my thing. I am not a hostess, not really. I just want to get married at the church, then from there go directly to the honeymoon. No reception. But everyone wants a reception.†
01/13 Direct Link
1/15: "It's your wedding. You can do whatever you want." They say. Yes, but it's also the groom's wedding. He's going to want what I don't particularly feel like I need. I have no preference. I know it's going to be beautiful and memorable no matter what I decide, and I'm marrying the person I always wanted to marry, so that's basically the end of it. It just bothers me and I feel as though I have to coordinate to get people to come with me to look at stuff and I would rather do the thing myself.†
01/14 Direct Link
1/15: Agh. This 100 words site and my blog are going to turn into "all about wedding" for the next several months. Everything might just align perfectly because I ended up having a lot of paid time off and I'm being forced to take it. This has all aligned nicely; I have feathered my nest. But to keep it feathered is another matter. I have no idea how I'm going to afford anything. I keep all my stuff close to my chest, tight-tight so nobody bothers it. Everyone knows about it. Agh, I just want to have a happy time at my wedding and I know I will.
01/15 Direct Link
Gotta jump on getting a venue. I can be really creative with it, but I can't go outdoors because I have no idea what the weather will be like. And I can't get over the price tags on some of these places... but I guess I have to shell out for a good time. My parents are supposed to pay, but I have no idea how much they will pay for. They aren't telling me anything. I have to do everything myself, it seems like. Others want to help, and they are well intentioned, but they don't know me that well.
01/16 Direct Link
1/22: Boy, am I behind. Got so much stuff to do. I realized that all I need are a couple of hours of "me time" a day and I am good for a long time. It's like a smartphone recharging its batteries. I visited wedding venues the other day and they were ridiculously expensive as can be expected. I just hope I can get one before all the days in the year run out. I wish we hadn't chosen a date that was on a Saturday in the peak wedding season, but we now have our hearts set on that date.†
01/17 Direct Link
1/22: My computer died a few days ago. I think the company said that it was overcharged, so I guess that means I ought to unplug it sometimes and take it off the charger. Laptops are so delicate. I hardly know what to think about them sometimes. I don't feel like talking to a soul today, but I will talk to my Sunday school class and get some child-like insight from them. Sometimes they say such profound things and they always ask good questions. I hope I don't fall into scandal and accidentally teach them error. I need to learn too.
01/18 Direct Link
1/22: The youth movement in the Church is supposedly dying because the world has lured the youth over to it. I wish I could stay away from the world all the time, but unfortunately it always hangs around, dangling its treats in front of my face. Certain things are dessert things, and sex is one of those. So is money. It's nice to have money to do things with, but it just gets in the way of my life... trying to decide what to spend it on is burdensome, so I usually don't buy anything and keep it all hostage.†
01/19 Direct Link
1/24: Wherewithal. I have been pondering that lately. It doesn't necessarily mean not having the money to do things. I think it can also mean not having the mental stability or the motivation or the ability to "self-start" as the job interview places like to say. Whoever said that 90% of life is showing up was right. You just have to be there and things will happen whether you like them to or not. I don't think anyone knows how difficult it will be to go into a marriage without wherewithal. I am not giving them the right answers.
01/20 Direct Link
1/24: I don't know whether I'm stupid or not sometimes. I let my heart lead me and my heart is stupid. My brain is not and they fight all the time. I wish my heart was right more often. I guess if they learn to work together they can come to a good conclusion. My soul is another issue. I have to get back in God's good graces. I was going to go to confession, but I don't know if I will be able to. Maybe everyone is autistic to some degree, talking about their own problems and interests.
01/21 Direct Link
1/24: You wanna know what I really missed about being in a relationship? Getting to make sexualized jokes with the other person and teasing them to no end. That's always fun but only if there is payoff. Guys get mad when there is none, then you feel bad for teasing them. Well... I can't help that you're a guy and I'm a girl and we are wired differently. It is the way it is and there is nothing else to be said about it. You have to do what you need to do, and nothing more. Get over it.
01/22 Direct Link
1/24: Shit. Hit the wrong button and deleted my entry. I wish this thing had an autosave. I was ranting about extroverts and how they steamroll right over you in conversation. I'm not the kind of person to raise my voice and scream to be heard, but it seems like that's what I have to do in this loud world and in this relationship with a fuzzy-headed man who cannot always successfully wrap his brain around life. I do the best I can, I swear I do. I am not one to yell, but I guess I'm going to have to.
01/23 Direct Link
1/24: The other thing I wanted to rant about. My own need for control. I like to feel as though I am in control of something, and if I was going to psychoanalyze myself, I would say that it is caused by my mother not letting me have control over anything when I was little. If I wasn't doing something exactly the way she wanted it, she would literally take it out of my hands and do it herself. I didn't realize how much that hurt me at the time, but now I feel as though I have no agency.
01/24 Direct Link
Five in the morning to induce delivery of a very reluctant infant. I can't imagine why they would do it at five in the morning. I sometimes fear pregnancy for myself because I am very small and I don't eat a lot and I feel as though the baby would not get enough nutrients. Supposedly the baby will drain the calcium from the mother's bones if the mother is not consuming enough calcium for both herself and the baby. That could lead to osteoporosis, which nobody wants to deal with. The fewer health problems, the better. Nothing else to say.
01/25 Direct Link
1/27: Still scared. Don't know what to do. I think all this fear is a product of the shyness and me never knowing what to do in social situations. I wish there was some kind of guidebook on all this and I know there are, but I need it broken down into tiny steps. I am seeing a therapist (finally) and I don't know if he will help me or not. I have to be willing to change and get better and I want to. But I'm afraid of the anger, afraid of everything... and even of my own self.†
01/26 Direct Link
1/27: What does it mean to be pure of heart? To never have a dirty thought? But dirty thoughts are human. The need, the urge for sex is human, although we tend to forget that because we are so fixated on suppressing our animal side. I wish I didn't have to suppress it. I wish I wasn't so focused on trying to be perfect all the time. I want to be all things to all people, but I realize I cannot. I realize I will never find the perfect person because perfection doesn't exist anywhere on earth, least of all in people.†
01/27 Direct Link
Only a few days left in the month, and I have a bunch of money to spend. It would be nice to buy a fixer-upper house and get my stuff straightened out and be assertive magically overnight but all this stuff will take time that I'm not sure I even possess. I'm just overly tired and need rest from my exhaustion. We did the rosary over the phone one night and it was beautiful. I want those moments of beauty to happen more often. It's so rare and precious when they do occur. I will pray and hope and wait.
01/28 Direct Link
1/29: My reaction time is slow. I got too much sleep, if that is possible. Just trying to make it where my eyelids don't get so heavy. I'm not a babysitter. Don't have any kids. Doing my best to take care of my man, but he may not be all there in the head. I knew that going in, of course. I thought I saw my ex at the Chik-Fil-A the other day, but I'm really not sure that it was him. I didn't want to stare too long because then for sure he'd look at me.
01/29 Direct Link
Supposedly, I have an intense gaze. I scare people with it, like it's a weapon. I can't help it. I'm the kind of person who remembers you forever. I may forget your face because it may change, but I won't forget your name. If I do then something must be wrong. I feel like I don't have an ounce of time and don't know how to prioritize, and the only person I can be mad at is myself. I'm just afraid, afraid, afraid. Of everything. Trying not to be so scared all the time. Wish people wouldn't be angry with me.
01/30 Direct Link
On "break" from work, scribbling out 100 words. I need time to concentrate to write a story and figure out what's going on. I'd really love to finish the beast (AKA XIII), but that's over and done with and there's no going back at this stage. I more or less gave up the rights to it and I can't get it back. Note to self: never sign away the rights to your magnum opus ever again (even though I did not literally sign anything, it still felt like I did). No matter what, that story will be my baby.
01/31 Direct Link
Last batch of the month and I need to work on my budget. I always like to see how many members completed a batch. You wanna know the hard thing about making a budget? Having someone else to work on the budget with. Having a spouse makes life simultaneously more complicated and more fun. Things would be boring without him. I cannot see myself without him anymore. We belong together and everyone seems to acknowledge this. He is the perfect one for me; we are perfect with all our anxieties. As long as I can be a helper, that will be OK.†