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For some reason the number lock turned on on my keyboard, and I have no idea why. I keep looking down and thinking it's the caps lock, but that wouldn't make much sense.
Oh yeah. Merry Christmas... might as well tell you now before Christmas sneaks up on me like it's been doing every year. Time is going faster and faster and I hardly know what to do about it. Gotta go out and buy presents if people would tell me what the hell they want. It will be an adventure for sure, but everything is an adventure these days.
Gotta quickly write down some words. Gotta refute some heretical madness. I want to write an entire poem about jolly ol' St. Nick who slapped a heretic in the face, but that's neither here nor there. (I say that too much, in speech at least.) I realized I look super young and I hate wearing makeup, so I don't want to make myself look any older. Wish I could stay at the computer and write all day long. I think I will get tomorrow morning to do that, though. Or at least get some blog posts in. Post on Tumblr.
Why does it take me so long to get over things? I am still not over my ex. I thought getting a new boyfriend would help matters, but it's just made me think of ex more often because I have a tendency to compare the people I'm with with the others I've been with (that was a lot of with), but I know it's not right to do and not fair at all to the person (well, to either party, really). I think the fact of the matter is that I need to get my head out of the past.
Captain Obvious strikes yet again. I am his wife. I can't take much sarcasm or it will overwhelm my tiny peachy brain. I need to be out the door in less than ten minutes and the thought of that is making me ill. I want to spend some time and just right. Feel my fingers (or nails) against the keyboard and spend time with my characters. Listen to them and find out where they are.
The waitresses at this pizza place we go to are the best. It's like something from a Christmas movie. All smiles, happy go lucky.
Agh, I never grew up. Still a pushover. Didn't learn a darn thing. I want to give everything to a person, but I can't do that without doing for myself. I need to stop worrying and being bothered and doing stuff at the drop of a hat. I'm only hurting myself.
My mom told me to stand up for myself, and I need to. I need to set the record straight and do the right thing and not go running around whenever the heck a guy wants to see me. After all, he may not be worth a chance in hell.
He is in a manic stage because he got back on his prescription. Ideas left and right, boundless energy, many potential stupid decisions about to be made, and yet this is the version of him I love the most. The up at five in the morning version, coming to my house with flowers version, going to Mass and asking the priest for a blessing version because God knows if I marry him I'm going to need all the blessings and all the help I can get.
Lord, let me start being more assertive. I really need your help now.
Multiplicity is a word I never thought I'd have to utter again. I must stand up for myself against the cheaters, the liars, and the dirty scumbags of the world, pardon my French.
I thought I might be placed in the awkward position of having to explain to nine and ten year olds what an orgy is. It was in the Bible, in the book of Galatians. Even the children's bible uses the word "orgy," so I guess I could consider it something like "a wild party" but leave out the part about nobody having any clothes on and having sex.
I'm done caring about all this pop culture nonsense. I learned that my mom heard "the voice" telling her "no" before she married my dad. How can one interpret "the voice"? Is it the Holy Spirit? Is it the breath of God (also known as the Holy Spirit)? Is it just the fact that your intuition knows certain things better than you do?
Some new age people believe that God lives in all of us and that we are all some degree God. I guess that would mean that to some degree, we are omniscient? I don't personally believe that.
Well. Meet the new boss, same as the old boss. You can't have a summer love because you fall in love and then you're locked in and you're committed and you love the person and you never want to give them up, even when it would probably be better for you to do so. I don't know if he will ever be fine. I don't know if I can ever help him. I really don't think so. He is so mercurial. My little mercury bead. I wonder what the hell kind of pet name that is for a person. Odd.
I'm gonna be some guy's little wifey. Perception is not reality with this one. Reality is not perceived correctly. We have issues to work through. What is the fun of life without getting together and working on issues? The challenge of life is trying to figure out ourselves and other people. Get to the root of the problems and destroy them one by one. Fight sometimes, fall sometimes, get back up, do the thing right and never ever give up. I worry about my boyfriend/fiance/soul mate/whatever he feels like being. We will work it out in time.
Gotta jump on it and get to work. Got stuff to take care of before Monday. I wonder if I could work from home. My father is in the hospital and I'm worried that he could pass away. Something to do with his heart. Some pulmonary thing (or maybe that's lungs). I think that's lungs. Either way, it seems fairly serious. If you're reading this and you pray, pray for my father. Or if you're reading this and you don't pray, send good thoughts my family's way. Please.
In other news, I went to my first baby shower yesterday! Nice.
12/13: My boyfriend asked my parents if he had permission to marry me and they immediately said yes. I guess that's a good sign. He came to visit my dad in the hospital when he was sick.
And you wanna know what horrible things my brain thinks? They're so horrible that I don't want to repeat them here. I am just paranoid, but it might be right. He wants to get married quickly. I want to get married quickly so the sex won't be an issue. Because I will feel secure then. He comes home with me. That's it.
I am legit scared. I am not ready for marriage. Not at all. Agh! It's crazy. But are you ever ready to spend your life with another person? Are you ever ready to make that final commitment? My mom said not to be all angsty over it and stop worrying, so I guess I should. I already know he is the right one for me and vice versa, so that's all there is to it. I have such trust issues, though. I need to stop the smell the roses and do whatever I can do. Just be realistic about it.
12/15: I'm not even engaged (technically) and I'm planning a wedding. Husband to be is super excited about this... perhaps even more so than me. I just want to go to premarital counseling and talk about all the stuff that goes into making a life together. Like finance. And saving for college for the kids. I don't know if I can do that on my salary. I want to start out in apartment but it would probably be wiser to start out in a house. I'm going crazy and I don't want to think too much about the wedding.
Future husband and his mood swings. I love him to pieces. Nothing else I can say. Pretty soon, in less than a year, we will be married, barring any unforeseen circumstances or if it's not what God wants. I like his crazy ideas and his racing mind and everything that goes into that. When all is said and done, I want to be in his arms and love him forever because I am loyal to a fault and when I make promises, I stick by them. When he says something, he sticks with it, too. He is my soul mate.
So now there's literally a girl who got a hippopotamus for Christmas. I hate those high-pitched shrieking songs like the Alvin and the Chipmunks song and the hippopotamus song. Just not into it. I don't really care all that much for them. I feel like pulling an Eva Braun and changing my clothes just for the sake of doing that. Actually not really. It's because it's cold as balls outside and there is nothing better to do. I have to pick boyfriend up from work in about an hour and we're going to either make a gingerbread church or look at apartments.
There is nothing worse than a shitty precedent. Half of me is very insecure and thinks that this guy only wants me for sex and is only telling me he's going to marry me so he can get sex. Which I don't plan on giving. I hate worrying about this with every guy. If you want sex so much, drop me and move on to someone easier. It's really not difficult. But supposedly men need sexual intimacy. They are just trying to fulfill a deep-seated need.
I think he will back out. Not because he truly wants to.
And I just deleted my whole post while trying to copy it to the clipboard. I hate when that happens and wish this site still had an autosave feature, but I don't think those updates are ever going to come. I'm still going to be on 100 words forever, though. Or at least until the servers crash and it's the end of the world (as we know it and I feel fine).
Future mother-in-law says I need to let my mother handle things for the wedding so she doesn't feel left out. I'm taking her up on that. Goes without saying.
I love my church's youth ministry that I volunteer with. We are a totally judgment-free zone and I want the kiddos to feel secure and that their secrets are safe with us. We were there at some point, and we love them to pieces. We want to make them better people and we want them to follow Jesus Christ. We pray for them every day and they are always in our thoughts. I really do believe youth ministry is one of the best things I've ever done. I feel so good about it even though I got roped into it.
Writing on the 21st (AKA the first day of winter). It is very difficult to be in a relationship with someone who has experienced trauma, when all their thoughts are confused and they don't think they know how to love because of what they experienced. Love doesn't always come through sex, but sex does tend to be last in a natural progression of love. It is the nature of this that he doesn't quite understand and it's because of that that he gets upset. He believes it would be better to shut out the world, but he can't do that.
All I can do is pray to God to give me the strength I need to keep on keeping on and do the right thing. We are going to Mass today. We are going to drop books off at the college. We are going shopping. And we might go looking at apartments. I just need the ring. I dreamed I had it last night. I dreamed it was a Sarah Coventry ring and I lost it immediately after it was placed on my finger. It was too large for me and I remember not wanting to let anyone know that.
Ten minutes to finish the writing. Funny story. I was getting ready to sneeze at the same time my cat jumped into my lap. I sneezed and it startled her and she fell off my lap and on top of her metal food bowl, which clanged when she landed on it, scaring her even more and causing a great metallic clash. The cat ran into the other room and I started laughing. I don't feel that great and I'm sick, so it hurts to laugh. Also, I almost typed "sick" as "sock," so that's pretty hilarious. Marriage is gonna be hard.
We are buying things for our apartment that we don't even have yet. I want a two-bedroom apartment, but if one bedroom is good enough, that would be fine. I would like a separate office where I can do my work. We're going to get a nice couch and chair for the living room.
Listening to Michael Savage rant is always hilarious and puts things in perspective. The chat I usually go on is dead because of the impending holidays. This month has gone on ridiculously fast but also insanely slow. I am good enough. We are good enough.
12/27: OK. I didn't realize I was four days behind on my 100 Words, but then again, I haven't been home. Been looking for apartments and trying to get my life together. My and his life together, if that's even grammatically correct. I honestly think I have the money to get a house, but I'm not sure if I want to deal with the maintenance. Maybe I should get a condominium. I think the landowner deals with it. I have a nasty cold right now. Coughing and blowing my nose left and right. Tried lemon tea and it didn't work.
12/27: Still catching up from being behind. I wish I wasn't so skinny. All the bones in my chest are showing. I have to eat constantly to get anywhere. Bleh.
She's always making these dumb TV shows and movie references. Have you no substance? Have you no honor? Have you no soul? Is your mind so steeped in pop culture that it's all you think about? You don't make hardly any sense. You just sit in your little shell and surf the net and refuse to go outside of yourself. Introversion is not an excuse. Not anymore.
12/27: So Princess Leia died. Carrie Fisher. I didn't know much about her. Had no idea she suffered from mental illness.
All these people cut themselves and they think their life has no worth and no meaning. How wrong they are.
I was thinking that my life is one hell of a weird-ass movie right now. Girl attempts to find love. Boyfriend's parents want to force boy on her. They want to pass the baton. She will take it, but she can't pass it back. Marriage is forever. All his foibles will be mine. Bone of my bone.
Don't you run roughshod over my opinions. I may be quiet, but when I actually speak, people don't take the time to consider what I say. I can get awfully loud, and I'm not yelling. I'm just making my point. You don't shut up for four seconds to let me get a word in edgewise, then you wonder why I'm so quiet. Bleh.
Passive-aggressive rant of the day. It will get better, or so they tell me. Nothing else to be said about that for the rest of my life. I will sacrifice so that he can have stuff.
Oops, I accidentally hit the underline button and now all my text is underlined, but I don't really care all that much because I have a cold and my voice sucks. The phone keeps ringing and I know better than to answer because it's all these people asking me to change my car insurance. I won't do it because I don't care and I like my insurance. Why is insurance so complicated? The world may never know. Why is he in such a rush to get through life? The world may never know. I guess it's the ADHD. Hurry the fuck up.
12/30: I'm proud of myself because I made a good catch in a document. Do I have to have bridesmaids at my wedding? I really don't want there to be a wedding party, just the parents as the witnesses. They can walk down the aisle with us and assist us with stuff. I hate picking favorites among my friends and I really don't have too many close female friends. I'm not the frou-frou kind of girl who wants all that manicure/pedicure crap. My bachelorette party will consist of me sitting at home alone in my room lamenting...
...the fact that this is my last single day and I will never be free again. I wished and I wished hard. Adventures with my new husband will be the theme of my life. Many babies and sleepless nights, but God will let me get through it with flying colors, I hope. Maybe not with flying colors. Maybe with a lot of teeth-grinding and hopefully some fun in there as well. I have a good supportive family behind me, so that's nice. Although I hate to feel as though I'm imposing. I'm not used to jumping at the crack of a whip.
1/2: Happy New Year! I actually stayed up until midnight, which I did not expect to do ever again in my life. We went to the gas station, but the TVs weren't on and we couldn't watch the ball drop. We then went to church and counted down till the new year in the parking lot. Not the most romantic or orthodox thing, but the church is important to us, so that's what we did. It's strange how I becomes we without us even thinking about it. I'm going to get married and it's the oddest feeling. I didn't think this.
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